Staying Busy -- It's a coping mechanism

Wow! Life has just been going by so quickly. As always, sorry that it has been a while since I have blogged. I think that I have been a mode recently where I just don’t want to “think” or process everything that is going on right now. I am just letting the days pass as they want. The key for me is keeping busy. It’s during the quiet times that the emotions of everything coming flooding in.

Let’s see… As of right now, we have not heard anything more about the adoption. I guess we are back into the lottery of other awaiting families. I have decided that this is much like a BINGO game as well… just waiting for your lucky number to be called. I still want to redo our profile, but at the same time, I am procrastinating. It’s just so tiring thinking about this whole process or even just have it lingering over your head for so long.

The other big change in our life right now, is that T has been placed on a new project…. in Springfield, Missouri. Yes, another state! It is about 7-hrs north-east of here. He is commuting to and from Springfield on the weekends. We found out a week ago Friday that he was needed on this project and he left that following Monday. We are now into week 2 of our new living arrangements. Right now, we are just relieved that he has a job and project to go to. Work is finally slowing down here in the metroplex and the pains of the current economic climate are being felt. We had been having some discussion between ourselves about what we would do if there was no project to go to. The company is taking care of us even under the tight economic circumstances. T gets a monthly living allowance and two round-trip plane tickets a month. The weekends in-between are on us. Doable.

For those of you who know me, you are probably all aware that I am a planner and do not like surprises of any kind. However, it’s weird how both of us have taken this move to Springfield in stride. A) the reality not hit us yet, B) after all that we have had to sort through this past year, this is nothing, or C) we are just relieved for T to still have a job; take your pick, maybe it’s all of the above, I really don’t know why this is moving along so well for the both of us. In the past, based on both of our personalities, it probably would not have gone this smoothly, to say the least.

The other thing that has made this “change” easier for us is that, ironically, I have an aunt and uncle that live in Springfield. It looks like things are going to work out for Tracy to stay with them over the next couple of months. They have generously opened their home for T to stay. This is really going to help us put more to our nest egg for a rainy day; hopefully, that rainy day will not come, but we have seen a few storm clouds on the horizon. Being able to really save over the next couple of months is giving us more confidence that we can make it and continue to make our monthly adoption payments for if the rainy day does happen in the near future

What I am keeping myself busy with. I am continuing to do my Bootcamp on M-W-F mornings. I continue to work on my endurance with running. I have now been able to successfully run a 5K in distance several times now, my time and mileage are both improving. My women’s covenant group has restarted at church. This is the 3rd year that we have met together; we all have become good friends. I help out with the youth program on Wednesday nights. NTDA is off to a great start and I have my monthly board and membership meetings to plan. I am making dinner plans with some good girl friends to catch-up with them.

Things that I want to get done in some of my “spare” time while T is working in Springfield include: 1) scanning some old pictures and negatives into electronic files; 2) start getting some our financial information organized gearing up for tax season (I think we are going to owe this year; 3) I have a ton of home filing to complete (if you open our office bureau, beware at the avalanche of paper that will fall down on-top of you); 4) I have some thank you notes and cards that I want to get mailed off to some friends; and 5) and couple of other extra projects that I want to work on. I want to start doing yoga more regularly and/or doing a bike spin class on T-Th when I am not at bootcamp. The logistics of this I am still trying to figure out. Anyways, I think that I am good to go in staying busy! I am also hoping to get back into a regular habit of updating the blog again… it is so good for me to journal in helping to sustain my mental and emotional reference points in life.

As always, thanks so much for all of your support. Take care!

De ja vu...

De ja vu… I think I have another post that has this same title. So then it really is De ja vu in every sense. I just received an e-mail from our social worker. Our profile is being show (along with several others) to a birth mother this afternoon. Once again, I had just returned to a place in my life where it wasn’t consuming my thoughts. Once again, I had just returned to a place where I wasn’t feeling insecure with “why doesn’t someone choose us?” Well, I am back on that roller coaster. After I read the e-mail, I sat staring at my computer for a few minutes… I am to the point that I really don’t know how to respond or react. The excitement and emotion is gone for now. Once again, I my heart dropped into my stomach and all that is there is a heavy feeling. I want to believe that maybe we have a chance. That maybe this could be it…. But my mind is saying, “probably not.” It’s a weird feeling to be hoping for a “maybe” these days. Previously, I was to a point that I would allow myself to be excited about maybe having a reason to be excited…. if that makes any sense?

The aspects to my de ja vu feelings today include:
** Starting my patient care notes after my rounding in the NICU. For some reason, I find it so ironic that my niche here in the hospital remains the NICU during this time of my life. ** I am in the middle of a patient care note and I cannot continue because my mind is swamped with thoughts and emotions about the e-mail I just received from our social worker. ** The feeling that is now in the pit of my stomach and probably won’t go away for a while. ** The time of day. I still have a least two hours of work to complete before I can leave. I just want to leave now. ** The overwhelming feeling of… what can I do? Then followed by the realization of nothing. ** All I have is information that I can do nothing with. ** Now my head is pounding because of all that was triggered by the reality of de ja vu. **

We have been through this process before and nothing lessons. The intensity remains and the roller coaster ride of our “everyday life” continues.

Soothing of the Senses

It is days like today that I wish I could bottle and remember forever... I will always have the memories and pictures... but the sensory component of this lazy day is what I will miss the most. I am sitting the in the shade, outside, with a breeze blowing over my bare arms and legs. Off in the distance I can see the warm summer sun reflecting off a lake that is like glass. The air is so clean and fresh. My eyes are filled with color. My heart is filled with peace and happiness... for now. I just want this to last for so much longer. I dream of a day where this can always be life. I contemplate on how I can simplify our life more. Being here with family, just makes my heart long for a day with our children. I want to share this week so much and have it apart of OUR family story and life. Even though my heart is longing, I continue to enjoy the daydreams that fill my mind and heart. I just love the outdoors and country so very much.

I am glad for the distraction of this week. We heard back from the birthmother that we spoke with about 10-days ago. She is wanting to speak with us again. I am here with family which have been SO supportive, but I am afraid to say anything for jinxing this process. I am afraid that it will lead to questions that I don't have the answers for. If I say something and nothing more moves forward, I am not sure how to go back and say nothing happened. It is just so hard to describe how this process works. Maybe it is because I cannot wrap my mind around how this process works.

Today is my brother's and SIL anniversary. It is hard to believe that it was 4-years ago today that they got married. Happy Anniversary you two! :) I am thinking of you and enjoy your day as well.

Vacation!

At last... some much needed R&R, downtime, and time to clear my head. It feels so good to be away from the rat race a little while. I feel like some of the swirling thoughts in my head are slowing down and are starting to fit into place. For now I am content and that is good... whenever work and returning to everyday life crosses my mind, I do feel some anxiety in going back, but it is only fleeting and I will face those emotions on Sunday.

Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.

Some relief and moving on...

Update. I think that the easiest way to do this post is in bullet format. To many thoughts going through my mind. Sorry if it is a little random and disorganized, but that is essentially my life right now.

• How do I feel about the interview? I felt like I was in neutral right after the interview. She asked a lot of good questions... we talked for almost 45-minutes... I am just so unsure and insecure that we were able to be specific enough in our answers. I just felt like we babbled and rambled a lot. I have a tendency to do that in normal conversation anyways, let alone when I am nervous.
• I had a very good follow-up and conversation with our social worker today. I thanked her for all the information she had provided us and prepared us very well. She told us that the birthmom is interested in us and liked us... but is still processing everything and trying to figure out if an adoption plan is in her best interest and the best interest in her baby. I told our social worker, that is fine -- it is what it is; besides, what other choice do we have? I understand that this is not any easy process or decision for anyone involved. I truly mean that; I really want the birthmom to feel very comfortable with her decision, and on some level, I hope that she can be proud or excited (I am not sure if those are the right words) that she has chosen us. I want her to feel so comfortable with us and the family life that we can offer a baby.
  
• Our social worker said that the birthmother may be interested in speaking with us again in the future, although when in the future was not specified. I said that we had the same feelings. I discussed some of my questions about this process and the conversation we had with the birthmom as well. That we would love to have the opportunity to speak again and get to know each other a little more, be able to ask more specific questions, answer questions more specifically, and learn more about each other before any decisions are made. We are comfortable with that for that now and we are comfortable with it being on the birthmom's time. It feels good being able to say that for now.
  
• After the phone call, I was feeling very melancholy that developed into some anxiety. I just couldn't get some of the questions out of my mind. This process is just so hard. I had a really hard time unwinding before I went to bed. It was probably well after 11:30 before I was able to fall asleep.
• I was also frustrated because I didn't get my workout in like I had wanted. I am sure that would have helped me release some of my stress. I was just so drained initially after the conversation from nerves, that I could not motivate myself. I guess another lesson learned... I just need to make myself do it. However, I find myself doing so much like that these days.
• There is a lot going on at work these days. I have new dietetic intern with me right now that I am training. She will be with us for ~400 hours of supervised practice. I have to get ready for a presentation on Thursday; no presentation ready to go. I am also just trying to get everything organized to get ready for a week off.
• We are still dealing with some family politics/issues; but taking the passive path of least resistance seems to be working and hopefully some resolution will be found with just the passing of time.
• I am READY for vacation! I am so excited to get away from the rat race of everyday life. I am READY for some R&R. I love how the cabins that we go to every summer do not have any TVs in them. I love the fact that we have minimal cell phone access. I love the fact that do not miss wearing my watch at all or do not care what time it is. It is such a peaceful week filled with family, fun, food, laughs, love, and memories forever.

Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts our way. They are greatly appreciated. Please send some towards the potential birthmom... that she may find the peace and R&R she needs to feel confident, proud, and secure with her decision whatever it might be.

For those of you who are reading my blog regularly, please feel free to ask any questions about what is going on. I will be more than happy to answer and discuss in my blog. Thank you again for all the support. Good night.

The Glass is Half Full...

About a week ago, I went back through all my blog entries and reread them. That really was fun to do. I was afraid of what I might find and cringe at my overactive thought processes written down as a part of "public domain." I was relatively surprised at how much I enjoyed reading my old entries.

I started this blog because several people had asked me if I was blogging through this process. After much thought and debate over a couple of months, I took the plunge last January. I decided to start this blog with two main purposes in mind: 1) for those who are interested in the daily thought processes and emotions that accompany this process, it will be easier to read a blog than have a 2-hour conversation every time I see them (even for me, that would get old -- no offense to any of my wonderful and supportive friends :)...); and 2) I decided that I would like to personally start keeping a journal during this time to maybe help remember this time for when our child will have questions about their adoption process.

What concerned me about my blog and enabling others to read it was... I was afraid it would come accross overly negative, I was afraid that it would stimulate people to "feel sorry" for us, I was afraid that it would push people away because they would perceive me as always being a Debbie Downer. Any of those above is the last thing that I needed and wanted with this blog. Please, for those of you who are following me regularly... please feel free to provide feedback and ask questions about what is going on. I really want this blog to be more informational, educational, and supportive of how everyday life continues on "normally" while you are having a whole new set of emotions, thoughts, and communication with the infertility or adoption process that is consuming your time.

I guess what stimulated this entry was I felt like I had had several "deeper" thought process blogs recently about coping and grief. I wanted to reassure everyone that we are finding a lot to laugh about on a daily basis. We have found our "niche" in life right now along this bumpy road. What keeps us going is:

* Projects that we enjoy doing -- home improvement projects; we are nesting in a very big and slow way.:) * Finding things to do around the area -- I think that we are going to head over to the Old McKinney Square later this weekend and/or catch a movie. * I think this summer is the longest summer that I have been able to keep my hanging flowers outside alive. Yea! They are beautiful. * I love watching for my Black Swallowtail Butterfiles to come by. * I am truly loving the reconnection to many friends that I have found on-line through FB and my blog. Thank you. But I must confess, sometimes being who I am, I do overwhelm myself with my desire and need to stay connected. :) * Trying to find new and different work projects to keep my stimulated in my field -- I promise, I am still working on getting my career realted blog up and going on-line. * My physical activity -- I cannot believe how fit and active I have become over the last 9-months. I truly feel like a new person, words just cannot explain. :)

My words of advice to anyone who is going through a difficult time, I think the most important things that have helped us through these years has been: focusing on the things that we like to do, keeping a schedule and routine, and be intentional in all of our activities and all that we do. Finally, it has been through reaching out to others, asking for help, and maintaining our friendships that has helped us the most. This has been the most difficult because it takes time of energy, two things that often run low during tough times... but is is truly the factor that you cannot let go of.

Well, on that note... I am off to a morning run before it gets too hot. My weight continues to be stable. I just want to get this last 3-5# off so I can honestly say that I am the same weight I was when we got married 10-years ago. I am almost tempted to open up my wedding dress and try it on to see how things fit... but then I would need to have it re-preserved again. Hee... hee...

Have a wonderful weekend and I hope everyone enjoys the weather before the heat of the summer sets in. Take care.

Reflection...

To me, one of the toughest challenges to this process is reassuring others that you are "OK." It is kind of an oxymoron that a lot of our time is spent reassuring others that we are OK, instead of vice-versa. When you are happy, they think that you are faking it... when you are sad, they infer that you are emotionally unbalanced. People say it is "OK" to grieve and struggle (which is true); but yet, when they find out that you are grieve and struggling... they don't know how to respond. One of two things happen. First, they ignore that they are aware of the sadness surrounding the situation, hence making you pretend things are better than they actually are. Or two, they talk with you and try to talk you out of your feelings. "There really is no reason for you to be feeling that way." I know their intentions are good, I know they want to help... Ironically, it is those who care about you the most, who get the most frustrated, because they want to help, they want to fix... but they can't. All I am searching for is balance in my life. A temporary halt from the roller coaster of emotions, and hiatus from the see-saw of how people react and relate to you.

However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?

Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.

Are we coasting?

Wednesday was a pretty good and productive days for me. I felt like I was slowly but surly getting back into the comfortable swing of my everyday routine. Wednesday was tough morning at bootcamp. My thighs are screaming at me today... I guess that is good. I continue to try to challenge myself with bootcamp and my at home routines so I can these next few pounds and return to the weight I was when we got married. It feels good to be making progress or accomplishing something in my life right now.

I have had a couple of "ah-ha" moments today. I was visiting with a professional friend/acquaintance of T's and mine. He was just supportive and reassuring today when he asked how it was going. He was so reaffirming at how "normal" and "well-adjusted" Tracy and I are through this process. "Trust me, K... I see a variety of people daily through my office who do not have the outlook, ability to cope, or perspective on life that you and T have." That was good to hear that compliment from an outside source... especially someone who typically either sees T or me, we are occasionally together when visiting our friend.

With his statement, I was reminded of a personal promise that I made myself ~5+ years ago when we first started trying to start our family. I was not going to let this process consume me. I was not going to let it consume our relationship. I was not going to let it define my identity. Infertility and family can so often become all consuming... it is a very slow process, but one day you wake up and your identity and purpose in life is gone. Yes, we do experience our grief and frustration daily... but so do many other people in many other and much more difficult circumstances than our own. Getting through this time, I just need to refocus and draw strength again from the promise I made myself and T so long ago.

On that note, the other "ah-ha" moment just came right before this post. We heard back from our social worker... and we are officially "not it" again. Not surprising or unexpected. However, as I was sitting here reading the e-mail... all I could think is how *much* *much* harder this waiting and anticipation of the adoption process is than the infertility treatments were for me. Coming into the adoption process, I was anticipating much of the same roller coaster of emotions, anticipation, and waiting. I was not expecting an much bigger and longer roller coaster of emotions... Well, here we are on this ride of a lifetime.

PS -- I do have a couple more blog posts and themes that I want to explore. I have started composing one that reflects on the meaning of home; and the other idea that is circulating in my head discusses the many faces and roles that I play in my everyday life. FWIW. I am just trying to find the right words to adequately express these future posts. As always, thank you for reading and for all of your support. I know that I have said it many times before, but it is truly the support of family and friends that we have found the strength to not let this time of our lives consume us.

Chocolate Promises

I have never been much of a chocolate fan... let alone, I have never had much of a sweet tooth. On the other hand, I have no will power when it comes to chips, salsa, cheese (salty) types of foods. A couple of years ago, a friend introduced me to "real" dark chocolate. The dark chocolate of quality and novelty... not a cheap or imitation type of dark chocolate. The one that I love the most is Dove Dark Chocolate. I love these individual miniatures because it is like eating a fortune cookie, but with so much more flavor and richness. When you unwrap each piece of goodness, you are greeted by a "Dove Promises Message."

Mine tonight:
Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.

Very, very appropriate for where I am at right now in life, and what we are going through right now. I had a wonderful weekend back home; but, I returned to Texas feeling a little melancholy and more stuck in life than normal. The grey cloud of reality is hoovering over my head and I cannot not shake it. My reality check is that we truly are in this for the long-haul. We have always known this and have been committed to this idea, but I am feeling this reality. A piece of me in my mind and heart has hung onto the dream that we could be "lucky" in that our adoption would happen sooner than later. That dream is slowly fading and the reality is starting to set in. It is slowly becoming more and more difficult to see the end of this road. We are still fine with where we are at, but just cannot shake our feelings of discouragement when we have no idea how far away the finish line is. T echoed my feelings last night while we were talking with each other.

My little foil wrapping with words of encouragement is one to keep for the refrigerator door. That is truly what we are doing right now and will continue to do. I really don't know how much more I can keep giving and keep going in my everyday life, especially when I am feeling stuck... but it is little random reminders like this one that refreshes me and reminds me that I can continue to move forward and take one day at a time. As I have said many times before... what other choice do we have? Afterall, another day down does really bring us one day closer to our baby... whenever that might be... :)

... and we're on the way down again...

Well, I heard from our social worker today. I really didn't understand her e-mail because it was to several waiting families. I think that we did not make the final cut for visitation yet again. We were one of 6 families and I think that we are somewhere in the bottom four. She has chose 2 families she wants to interview initially. I really felt like we had a competitive chance this time... I felt that we were very open and understanding and willing, under these circumstances... I felt that we had a lot in common with her... but I guess the other families just stood out more for some reason. That is the another hard thing to cope with this process... how can you just not believe or think: "Why wasn't our profile good enough? What was more appealing about the other families?" Well, once again... I guess we just don't have too much of a choice. We just keep putting ourselves out there and rejection is just part of the game.

OK -- Trying to zero out the hurt and negative feelings... to balance things out, I *must* keep reminding myself:

1) We are only 5 months into an average 18 (+/-) process
2) We have matched at least 4-times, that I am aware of over the past 5-months. Out of those 4-matches, we have had one telephone interview.
3) When I put the numbers to paper... I guess that seems reasonable for what we are doing (? I think ? I hope? I guess all there is left to do is pray ?).

I am trying to not overwhelm myself and think about how many more times this ride and cycle will happen again before we bring our baby home. It truly is unfathomable.

I have had a good evening tonight. I am being productive and getting things crossed off my to-do lists. That feels good. I am becoming excited about going home this weekend. It feels good that T and I are on the same page right now with life. As I am typing this... I have our cat Gabby in my arms and Jake nesting by my side. I am very comfortable and cozy in our house. I just keep trying to focus on the positive... because it really is there.

Moving On... Running On?

I had a wonderful weekend. When I got home from work on Friday, it was a beautiful evening out, so I decided that I would try to go running again. I had stopped running for awhile because my shin splints were acting up. It felt good to be outside again and doing something that I have really never been able to do before activity wise. I pretty much ran a 5 K (3.3 miles)... in 32:52 minutes. Only, 0.5 miles of that was walked. After that, we had a nice relaxing night around the house, played some more Wii... I just can't seem to beat Tracy's Wii Age!

This weekend was one filled with friends and good conversation. Through my conversations this weekend... I came to the realization that the road of infertility and adoption is inherently isolating and lonely -- You DO NOT make it lonely and isolating, that is just how it is. Quite often during this time, I have blamed myself for some of the loneliness and isolation -- sometimes I feel as though I have the plague -- people feel awkward and uncomfortable around us because they don't know what to say, so there is some avoidance there. It makes you wonder: "Have I volunteered too much information to friends?" "Would it have been better to keep our struggles a secret?" I finally realized, that because of this process becomes all consuming of your life... you are tired, drained, and emotionally exhausted... you do lose contact with friends. Not intentionally and not all at once, but relationships slowly become a casualty to this long journey. Despite how tired you are, it is so important to keep reaching out and maintain friendships... the trick is learning which friendships will fill your cup. T and I learned a long time ago that we could not do this alone and by ourselves... that was just a recipe for disaster and bitterness.

At times, it has been frustrating for me to constantly put myself out there, constantly make plans with friends to maintain support and connections, constantly reassure others that we are "OK" and "enduring"... it is just one more thing to balance and that requires energy. It often feels like a one-way journey and path you are on... you keep looking for someone else on the same road... but they are so hard to find and very few and far in between. However, I knew that if we were to crawl into a lonely, isolated hole... we would not be able to focus on the "sweetness" at the end of this "bitter" pathways; we would probably also not be able to find our way out. We have continued to reach out to others to help us continue to see the "hope" at the end of the road. "It's tough," is such an understatement.

Anyways... as usual, long story made longer... I feel really fortunate that I have been able to find *GOOD* friends. I have been able to find those who do understand and do know what it is like to be lonely and isolated. Thank you to A... you help me "find and use my words" to express myself during this time -- you have helped me to find my voice and thoughts again. Thank you to J... for making me feel like a valued friend in your life, you give me so much, I hope I give you 1/2 as much as well. Thank you to L... a new friendship that has recently been formed because we did find each other on the same lonely road. It is days like this past Saturday and Sunday that completely refuel me to face the challenging decisions... and passing of time ahead of us.

Mother's Day

I have been trying to think about what to post probably since Thursday. What is there for me to say about this day? Once again, this day is a perfect bitter-sweet example of life... it is very lonely and isolating not being "able" to be a mother on this day when you want it so badly, but at the same time... I also truly am happy because I have such wonderful women and mothers in my life. My own mother, both of my grandmothers, aunt's, friends, etc. It is a day to celebrate them as well, for they deserve this day as well.

I have decided that Mother's Day is a like Valentine's Day. It is a good day if you have a significant other or a mother in your life. However, I want to take a minute and recognize the phases of life that Mother's Day may be difficult for; I am a person of balance... everyone needs to be recognized, not just those who are in "traditional" roles and "typical" phases of life.
* Those that are single and still waiting for Mr. Right.
* Those struggling with infertility.
* Those who have lost their mother.
* Those caring for a child with special needs.
* Those who are estranged from their "child."
* Those who are estranged from their mother as adults.
* Those caring for an aging parent.
* Those who have lost a child through a miscarriage, accidents, or for health causes.
I know that my list could go on and on. I know that all of us who have challenging circumstances in our lives and who are "waiting" for something... do have many, many things to be thankful... and on an everyday basis... however, there are moments where everywhere you look, it just reminds you of the struggles and grief. This time of my life has really heightened my awareness to the fact that the grass is not always greener on the other side... it has made me aware of all the extraordinary circumstances that many people endure, and talking to them on an everyday basis and from the outside... you would never know how heavy their heart can be.

T and I laid low today and had a productive day around the house. I finished painting the front hallway. T mowed the lawn. We played a little Wii and then we went to T's Sunday night football game. I had a wonderful conversation with my own mother; she was doing really well and we had many laughs. It always feels so good to hear her laugh and be relaxed. For the most part, our house is in order and our lives are slowly starting to feel back in order again, after a very, very long week. I received a special card from my dad that acknowledged this "day" and where we are at in our lives. It is definitely a keeper and memory for this time or our lives. I also kept close to my heart a special prayer for a friend in waiting as they traveled to San Antonio to visit with a potential birth mom in the adoption process; what an ironic day to have such a meeting.

Anyways, it is the start of a new week. Bootcamp started again. My goal for this camp is to lose another 5# and I will back down to the weight that I was when we got married. I have tried really hard not to be too specific with weight goals for fear of failure. My goal has always been to get fit... but now that I am so close to my weight I was when we got married, I have decided that I am going to embrace this goal and hope that I can achieve this step.

I need to start getting ready for work. This week is going to be busy as we have a survey at work on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Take care to you all regardless of what phase of your life you are in. :) Remember, if you need someone, I am here for you just like you have been there for me.

Last Night

Last night was not a good night. The stress of everyday life and the emotions of feeling stuck really hit T and I very, very hard -- each on an individual level. We both are frustrated because we feel like we are spinning our wheels, and we both have our individual "to-do" lists that are not getting done. Since we see things differently and our daily priorities of what we want to get done do not coincide right now, we clashed... and we clashed hard and loud. Through the last 10-yrs of marriage (14-yrs of relationship), we have gotten much better at moving through the "rough" times... but especially over the past 5-years, we really have developed better coping skills just out of pure necessity. We truly value and appreciate that a successful marriage is something that you have to work at, but no one really talks about it out-loud, no one really talks about the bad times, and the struggles. I know that once we get back to being "balanced" again and off this roller-coaster of emotions... it won't seem as significant as it does now. However, that is just the trick... just to enduring, knowing that it this is just a "moment," and this too will pass. We both know this in our hearts and minds, but our energy levels are just so low that it is hard to just keep enduring and waiting, especially when we are stressed and tired. I know that the next phase of our lives will present itself with new and probably even tougher challenges that will further develop our coping skills... but I am just tired of this phase of my life of waiting... As T said when we went to bed last night, "Tomorrow is a new day, let's just go from there..."

Update

OK -- I know that I am long overdue for an adoption update. We heard from our social worker last Tuesday. The week before I was feeling pretty good with myself about the adoption process and that life was back to "normal." (Whatever that might be.) Overall, I had reached a plateau with my thoughts and emotions. I was "comfortable" with where we were at in this adoption process. It is what it is, and all in good time... Yes, I am OK with that.

Mid-afternoon, I happened to check my cell phone and there was a voice mail waiting for me. I listened to it and it was our social worker: "K, call me as soon as you can. I have a birth mother who is interested in a phone interview." My heart started racing and dropped into my stomach. My mind goes blank and my energy just left me... Do I have the energy to make this phone call? Silly rhetorical questions... did I really have a choice?

Of course, I immediately called the social worker. I received the story and background of the birthmother. Of course my heart immediately went out to the birthmother. Sadly, but not surprisingly, most adoption stories do not start out on a positive and happy note. We "tentatively" scheduled a phone interview with the birthmother for the next afternoon. Well, the phone call did not materialize due to various factors... and I am fine with those factors. They are just a part of this process and I am ready for those variables. Even though this process is often step-by-step, and we are often walking in a circles... each circle that we start walking in the selection process... I have a need for each circle to be closed and all loose ends tied up. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I know this is an Achilles' Heel for me, but I just need resolution to all "issues" in my life; no matter how big or small.

Returning back to the adoption story, the part that kept bugging me about this "progress," was the social workers voice in my head... "call me as soon as you can." In retrospect, it really wasn't that urgent that I call her back... I am kind of frustrated with how she handled the situation. Furthermore, even after our phone interview fell through... I needed to process a little more about the situation and have a few more questions answered, but had difficulties getting a hold of our social worker. On Friday, I ended up visiting with the social worker of the birthmom, because our social worker was still unavailable. The other social worker was able to answer a few more of my questions and explain the process to me a little better. She also did a very good job of listening to my frustrations, especially about being left a message that says "call me as soon as you can," when there really wasn't any urgency about it at all.

With the latest phone call, all my neurotic questions have returned to my mind. Is our profile really attractive? I know that I can be wordy and long winded, is our letter too long? Is the color scheme good? How do we compare to other couples and families? What is the experience of other people? Are my thoughts and concerns about the adoption process normal? How can I continue being excited and happy about this process, when the birthmom is experiencing her own grieving process? I know that I continue to grieve myself, but how will I find balance between the happiness of what we are doing and the sadness we have experienced ourselves? How will bonding and connection be established with "our" child? How does this process really work? How is our profile presented to the birthmom? How is information relayed between us, the social workers, and the birthmom? Obviously, my list can go on and on and on...

Today we resumed another "normal" week... back to work and everyday life. We are working on painting our front hallway... as I am still feeling the need to "nest." I am just tired of living in a 1/2 furnished and 1/2 decorated home. In retrospect, I really think that it is more of the spring weather that is putting me in the "nesting" mood. I tend to start home improvement projects more during the spring-time than other seasons of the year. I think that it is just heightened this year because we are in the process of the adoption. I felt a little out of sorts at work today and I can feel my patience continues to run low and short on several issues. I continue to work on my patience these days.

My coping mechanism through this phase of my life is that I continue to focus on my everyday life. Within my "typical" daily life, I know have many things that make me happy. T always makes me laugh on a daily basis. I continue to feel good with my daily workouts (bootcamp & yoga). I love listening to my iPOD while I am on the elliptical. My herbs (dill & parsley) are growing well and am looking forward to seeing more Black Swallowtail Butterflies. We continue to have a very busy and active social life with our friends. I continue to feel connected to my profession and the community. I am surrounded by a close family. In short (or rather the long story), I guess that I am thankful for the many things I am able to distract myself with while we are waiting to bring our baby home.

As always, thank you for all of your support. We couldn't do this process without it. Good Night.

Random Thoughts

As always, I know that I am long overdue for a post. Everyday life just continues with us. Sometimes I feel I am just observing life or that I am on a merry-go-round each day. It is fun most of the time... but after a while it can get old.

T and I had a wonderful time this past weekend. We traveled to Wichita Falls with 13 other youth from our church. We had a little retreat with them and completed the program "Generation Change" from Dave Ramsay. It was just so refreshing to be with the teens. They are just *so in the moment* with basically no worries about tomorrow, or even Monday for that matter. It was so good to see T smile from ear to ear at the randomness of teens. I will just remember being in that big white passenger van listening to the youth sing at the tops of their lungs to the radio. Another observation from the weekend is how quickly a van full of teens starts to smell of feet. It was LOL funny to find a toothbrush on the floor next to a backpack, but the baseball hat of the same owner is carefully placed up out of the way to avoid being smashed. It was a boost to the ego when T and I could chime in on an "inside" joke of some boys and completely take them by surprise by knowing what they were talking about. We were asked, "So, you've seen Role Models?!?" ... to which I matter of fact stated "yes," smiled, and left it at that. Finally, I did have a moment of aging when I realized that the Freshmen we were spending the weekend with were born in the year that I graduated from high school! Wow! It really doesn't feel like 15-years ago when I was doing the exact same things they were with my youth group.

On that note, realizing how fast the last 15-years of my life have gone by... then realizing how fast the first 10-years of my marriage have gone by... and saddened by how I feel like I have lost the last 5-years of my life... makes it hard not regress into feeling stuck because we still just continue to wait. At the same time, I try to focus on the things that make me happy. I am very, very proud of the life that T and I have established together. I find comfort in my everyday routine. I love my bootcamp and yoga through a local non-profit organization. I love my little local cross-stitch shop. I love being efficient running errands around town. I like being independent and on our own with our own life. I love all of the relationships and friendships we have.

I did hear back from our social worker and right now our profile is being viewed by 2 or 3 different mothers. I really have no details at all around these mothers. I keep telling myself that is OK, and I am comfortable with having reassurance that this process is "working" and "moving along," relatively speaking. I keep reminding myself that we are only 4-months on the waiting list, we are still early in this process. Right now, I keep referencing that this process, on average, lasts ~18-months. Sometimes longer... sometimes shorter. I have also stopped trying to explain the process or answer, "have you heard anything?" I just politely say, "No, we are just waiting. There is really not much else we can do besides wait." ... and then I give a little smile. How can you explain others that we are right where we should be with the process with just waiting and not knowing too much; technically, we really can't complain and I have decided that I am OK with that. :)

Hmmm... what else is going on? I really need to finalize our taxes, I have never procrastinated getting our taxes done as much, as I have this year. I don't know why because we aren't going to owe anything this year because of all the medical expenses last year associated with the IVF. I really need to get on that... ahh... but all the more things to find and distract myself with.

Also, I am really excited for this weekend. My parents are coming into town for Easter. I am ready for some family time. T and I really mirror a lot of how we approach life after them. They really are our rock, especially in comparison with all the drama and dysfunction on the other side. They are so supportive and interested in us, everyone needs and deserves that kind of support in their life. T and I both enjoy just relaxing, playing cards, completing puzzles, antiquing, and shopping with them. Even thought they are both "busy" people always on the go, we thoroughly enjoy being on the go with them.

Finally, I am making some progress in thinking outside of my "normal" daily job duties and routine on how I can "spice" up my "work" right now, instead of just waiting for our baby to come. I have been nominated to be president elect of my local professional organization, I am thinking about restarting some private practice opportunities again after work, and I am really excited about some of the continuing education programs that I have found. The CEUs are not as cheap as I would like, but I think they are going to be very, very worthwhile and I am excited about furthering my advanced practice skills. Now, the trick is just being very, very careful and finding the time to thoroughly implement, and implement well, all that I want to do.

Right now I think one of the major coping mechanisms for me is to keep busy. I cannot complain because I have *plenty* to keep myself busy with. I continue to thoroughly enjoy my bootcamp and yoga practice... I know that the only way that I can accomplish all that I want to do is continue to take care of myself and T first.

I guess that is it for my life right now. As always, thank you for your continual support in our lives. You do make a difference to us. :) Good Night.

Blahs... But I still feel good? I guess more examples of the bitter-sweet life...

I know I need to update and post. I am just really too tired to do so; for some reason I have been procrasting and dreading to post. But right now, I feel that it is a good tired. I still have some random thoughts and impatience going through my head... but mainly things are good right now; status qua with everyday life.

Blah's
* Birth control question -- what should we do? I feel like it just another kick in the stomach to deal with. But... they were never ever to rule out a genetic factor. They couldn't confirm any genetic problems, but they could rule it out either. That if you are dealing with "poor quality" eggs or sperm, it "could" be an issue. Do we want to risk it? Secondly, I probably need to go back on my Lipitor. Lipitor is contraindicated in women who "could" get pregnant. Next, since you are always internally keeping track of the monthly clock in your head, the "what if" question lurks in the back of my mind around mid-month, even though I know it isn't a reality for us. Finally, what if my "dream" becomes a reality and then I miscarry again... could I handle that again? For the most part, I cope fairly well... probably just block these things out and try not to process too much. I keep thinking I will deal with it later... but here we are 6-months later and some decisions need to be made. Well, I have made one decision today... I am starting my Lipitor again... after 4-months of watching what I eat, exercising 5:7 days on average, losing weight... there was absolutely NO CHANGE in my cholesterol levels! Ugh! Oh, well... at least know I can confidently say it is my genes and know that it is going to take more to manage. It is a very low dose and my new doctor who is helping me with my thyroid monitoring was reassuring about starting the Lipitor and not to feel rushed with the birth control issue. One bridge crossed... I feel good about that for now. It only took about 6-months to cross the bridge.

* Blah -- just waiting and not knowing and not hearing anything... I am getting used to this and for the most part I have decided that I am comfortable here. I guess that's good, too.

* Blah -- trying not to contemplate that we have 4-friends delivering their new babies right now. Trying not to pay much attention to the fact that most of our friends are on baby 2-3 and that the new topic of conversation is the "snip-snip" procedures because many of who we know are now "done." We are still waiting to start...

* Blah -- I am tired of everyone treating me like I am "young" ... especially those who are our age! I know that one day I am going to like the fact that we look "young" for our age... but at the same time, I am tired of people saying, "When you have kids... you don't want to rush... etc." I feel that I have had a lot of that recently from a lot of friends who are OUR age!

* Blah -- T's family. I am still totally out of my comfort zone having FIL close by. I don't feel that I am making any progress in accepting this reality. Furthermore, the "saga" with his mom and brother continues to be dragged out and causes disturbance in our hearts.

* Happy -- my uncle is doing *REALLY* well and is now how. They are hoping that all he needs now is his daily chemo pill. He says he feels good and that he is pain-free. My cousin also seems to be doing very well, too. I can't wait to see them all in May! Yeah!

Well... I guess that is why I didn't want to do this blog because I knew that it would seem *very* depressing and really, I don't feel all that depressed. The power of the mind and the glass IS half-full. :) Each day this past week and weekend have been good. Amazingly, I do smile and laugh frequently throughout the day... everyday life I guess as it should. We remain with some very valuable friendships. I LOVE spending time with all my friends and T. I just feel really in sync with him right now. Work is going well with the both of us. I was able to go shopping and got some new clothes because all my other clothes were "too big." I have become a believer in the healing powers of physical exercise... I never thought that I would feel as good as I do... I guess despite all the "blah" thoughts that come and go from my mind... I am content and happy. That is what I focus on and what keeps me going.

For those of you following my blog... your friendship is also what keeps us going as well. Thanks for being there and allowing us to be us. We love you all! :)

Baby Steps

OK -- we took a big step. Friday night, after Bootcamp graduation dinner, we went to Babies-R-Us and purchased baby furniture. I am really excited about our purchase. It is a chest of drawers, dresser (changing table), and crib that is a "grow-with-you," bed. It feels weird to have made such a "major" purchase because it could be another year before it is used. It should be here in a couple of weeks. T has been working on the attic this weekend so that we can get some stuff from the "other" bedroom up there.

Once again, it felt weird being in Babies-R-Us because we were really the only ones that are not "expecting." We did have to search a little for a sales clerk, I am why aren't there employees ready for me in the baby furniture section at 8:30 on a Friday night? If they want my money, they should be ready for me... that was a little bit of my mentality at the time. Well, we finally found Sam. Sam was a very laid back and easy going employee, probably about mid-to-late twenties. Through just chit-chatting with him, his efficiency with placing our order, and thoroughly answering all of our questions about the purchase... We walked out of the store ~30 minutes later very excited about everything. I think I was more surprised that I was walking out of Babies-R-Us as a "very satisfied" customer more than anything else. Through Sam's genuine satisfaction with his job, he had honestly acknowledged what an "exciting" time this is for us. Furthermore, he seemed excited for our future as well. Sam truly helped to make our "bitter-sweet" experience of "needing" vs. "wanting" to prepare for our baby a very sweet and memorable one. For that I am thankful.

I was ready to get our baby furniture and start putting together the "basics" of our nursery. Honestly, I was afraid of getting some things and then in a few months resenting that we had this "stuff," but still no baby. I was afraid of finding something, liking something... and then second guessing myself after it got here. Now, that we have purchased it... I told T that I am glad that we did. I am glad that we purchased some "larger" items with absolutely nothing pending for an adoption. Had we purchased some of these items with an adoption "pending" and then for it to fall through, the items would be "tainted." I am glad that we have some of these items independently and without any potential attachment at this point in time. Part of me is a little "bitter" that these steps in life have to be rationalized, but for now... my peace and excitement are there and it feels good. Every time I think about our Babies-R-Us furniture buying experience and Sam, a smile does come to my face.

Deep down inside, I am also hoping to develop and create a "moment" for T and I. Since we will not have a "moment" in which we intimately share and announce that we are pregnant with our family and friends... I am looking forward to telling my parents that I have something I want to show them. I am day-dreaming about Easter weekend when they are here, and I can just quietly show them our reality and hopes by symbolically opening the door to our "other" bedroom. I know it might be cheesy, and I hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment, but tradition, family memories, and sentiments are just something that I hold onto very closely. I have a plaque in our living room that says, "Home is where your story begins." As we continue to proceed with our everyday live, that quote basically sums it up... We are slowly trying to establish our home for the story of our family to begin.

No news

Well... that about sums it up. Have had a pretty uneventful week. Looking forward to the weekend. My uncle is doing well, my cousin says his spirits are good and they are optimistic about his prognosis. I am still in neutral about the adoption. We haven't heard anything more about the profile viewing. I am just trying to enjoy my boring life right now. :)

Back on the Rollercoaster....

I really, really wish that I had more time to blog right now. Things continue to be really busy at work with our employee weight loss challenge/wellness program, teaching at TWU, and just life in general. However, I had been drawing comfort in staying busy and sticking to a routine. As I have said previously, my stress has decreased mainly because the environment has changed at work. Despite the encounter on Friday and not have my activity done 2 1/2 weeks ahead of time, things have been pretty mellow and not demanding. Thank goodness.

While I was at work today, for some reason my mind started wandering back to the adoption. I don't know, maybe someone asked something and I just skirted around the question. I really don't want to talk about it right now, because I know nothing. I then went through the "pep-talk" in my head... it's OK not to know anything, it's OK to not hear anything... this is just a part of the process and you went into this process knowing that it wouldn't happen overnight; you entered this process ready for the long haul (or so I tell myself). You only have been "officially" on the list since Dec/Jan and entered the program in Oct. I then went into my little pep talk that it will be OK if mom & dad will be overseas when this happens. If things haven't moved a long by this summer, then there is a good chance that my parents won't be in the country to help us welcome our baby home. I told myself this is OK, too. I will just cross that bridge when I get there... because once again, what choice do we have? I even tried telling myself that it is OK that nothing is happening right now because we are so busy.

Well... I got an e-mail from our social worker. Our profile is being viewed by a birth mother. At first I was really excited... and then my excitement faded again. She is probably looking at several profiles, not just ours. We have just been "initially matched" but she still needs to "choose" who she would like to visit and meet with, we have been "viewed" 2 times previously, with only one resulting in an interview, no visits. Really, a "viewing" doesn't mean anything at this time... or so I tell myself, to keep my hopes from getting too high. We are back on the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts... I am really just trying to stand outside of the ride, and watch... it's hard because I have no choice but to ride the roller coaster at this point in time. Everything had just settled down! I still wander about the previous birth mom we visited with... she will be forever on my mind and heart and I pray that things are working out for her as well.

I really need to be focusing and getting ready for my class tomorrow. I need to develop a quiz and update my Parenteral Nutrition Support Lecture. It's 9:00 and I really want to be in bed in the next hour.

Quick Update

Since I left my last entry open ended... here is a quick update since I am really needing to get to bed; 4:40 am is going to come really quickly!

I am finally feeling better tonight, both mentally and physically. I learned years ago, but stress really takes a toll on my body. Today was much better at work. Still have not discussed any staffing issues. I think my supervisor knows she pushed me too far and stressed me out too much, so she has been pretty hands off Monday & Tuesday. She actually called me to have lunch with her today and we just had a pretty chit-chatty lunch, which is a good sign from her. I was still absolutely exhausted last night from both work and drain of the stress. Was in bed by 9:00 and passed-out asleep by 9:30. Really had a difficult time making myself go to Yoga this morning because I was still exhausted, but I went and I am really glad that I did. I think it really helped to get my day off to a little better start.

I have continued to look over possible staffing plans or ways to handle the situation yesterday and today and slowly but surely I am developing a plan in my head how I can address and handle everything; I feel good that my thoughts are starting to form some kind of organization and plan. I just have such a "necessity" and "drive" to have everything organized constantly. I guess I feel like I am on a see-saw right now. I am in a position where I am having to wing things a lot and just take things one day at a time... but my personality is one that I am a planner and must have things in order. It's really tough.

Still through everything, I think I have some "nagging" insecurities lingering in the back of my mind about the adoption process. I think the "Adoption Readiness Seminar" that we attend a couple of weeks ago, actually made me more anxious and concerned about the process working than completely reassuring me. I exchanged an e-mail with our social worker today, and I think that I am going to visit with her more about that the ARS actually made us more anxious about the process rather than reassuring us. I explained a little in my blog by voicing some of the unfairness to this process; but, now that we are further removed from the ARS and back to stress of everyday things like work, I realize that the seminar we attend actually stimulated some of my thought process to how unfair the adoption process is.

You can probably debate... Yes, "adoption readiness" does include acknowledging the unfairness to the process... but as I think about it, it should also make us comfortable with the unfairness (yes, an oxymoron; but can make sense if you think about it). The seminar should NOT have made us more anxious. I guess I just feel like I should being something productive. Right now I am feeling good about trying to provide some "constructive criticism" to our social worker that some of the issues addressed in our seminar could have and should have been handled quite differently. We should not have left there feeling somewhat "tired and beat-up."

Anyways, off to bed for me... as always, I have too many thoughts and words circulating through my head. :) Good night, sleep tight.

PS -- Just read my horoscope again. I hadn't read it for several months until this weekend... but now I am a little addicted because it's weird and very conincidental at how it is reflecting my thoughts about work right now. I guess it just goes to show how you can make it work for whatever is going on in your life.

It's challenging for you to share your big ideas today because you know how delicate your overall plan is in its beginning stages. Unfortunately, you probably haven't had enough time to fill in all the details and you don't want everyone else's input until you're sure of your own thoughts. Don't be in such a hurry; slowing down and solidifying your strategy is smarter than telling everyone what you're going to do. Start on the ground floor and work your way up.

And, YES, I did read the horoscope after I typed my previous blog for tonight!