T-1.5 days and Counting Down... :)

This week has gone by quickly. I have been extremely busy at work. Things are moving along fairly well now. Just staying busy with different projects which is nice. It has just been such a hectic week as we have just started our employee wellness program/weight loss challenge. It always does create some more work for me, luckily it is only 6-weeks long and the hecticness is more in the beginning and then the end.

This week I am getting a little frustrated with my weight... to say the least it has plateaued if not gone back up slightly. I have readjusted my calorie intake and know that I probably should reduce my soda intake again. I am trying not to worry about it too much and just continue to focus on how good I feel about all my activity and exercise levels.

I had a wonderful dinner with a good, good friend last night. It is just so comfortable being able to talk off the cuff and out loud about everything. She is such a sounding board for me and it is just so refreshing to be able to process verbally. She is so relationship oriented and intuitive when it comes to reading others. I just learn so much about life when I am with her.

Well... really not too much exciting going on in my life and head right now. It feels good to be settling back into everyday life, one day at a time again. I am needing to go pack for a quick trip home this weekend. I am going to have dinner with my brother and mom tomorrow night. This is a sentimental time of year for me as it is my parents 39th wedding anniversary, and my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 92 this year. I do miss her.

Speaking of my Grandma, I have decided that I really do enjoy this journaling. I have a new found appreciation of it. Just this late fall, my aunt gave my mother a copy of all my grandmother's diaries. It was really neat and fun to go through and read. She started keeping a journal after my Grandpa passed away in 1980; we have almost 25-years worth of memories from her.

Anyways, as I said previously... not too much going on. I am going to spend the weekend with my good friend Kiefer; T-1.5 days until spa day! Fun, fun!

Power Song

PS -- I am needing to find a "power song" to have when I am running and using my IPOD/Nike+ programs that will "pump-me-up." Does anyone have any good suggestions? I like country music, 80's (especially Bon Jovi) music when exercising, and more rock/pop types of music. Just wondering. Thanks!!

Moving On...

This weekend was as good as could be expected for what we "needed" to get accomplished and for what I "wanted" to get accomplished.

Yesterday was kind of hectic and stressful just because I needed to run into work for a couple of hours that I hadn't anticipated on AND we were trying to make a visit out to FIL's new house and visit him for his birthday. We are always trying to anticipate how he will respond to things and what his demeanor and mood is going to be. It is a very stressful situation for us both and often Fil places T in the position to "choose" between him or me. T had a headache by the time we were on the road. I am sure that you will hear more about Fil in the upcoming blogs. Let me just say one of the reason's why Fil is so difficult to deal with is that he suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder. He cannot understand or rationalize the world outside of himself. When we found out that he had this personality disorder, I tried searching for information on how to deal with and communicate with people with this persona, and there was relatively little information on how to approach these people, communicate, or help them cope/deal with their disorder. It is often coupled with another psychiatric disorder, in Fil's case, it is obsessive compulsive tendencies. It was a very long day and I was spent and done with by the time we got home. I slept the last 30-40 minutes of the car ride home and we were both in bed shortly after 9:00 and asleep by 10:00. Even though it was a long a stressful day, we had some good conversation on how "we" together are going to deal with this new constant and needy figure in our life. T made me feel really good all through the day, he never shut down on me and was constantly supportive... even when he knew I had reached my limit and had been entirely pushed out of my comfort zone with Fil's conversation. That in itself was a huge improvement from how we had struggled to deal with this situation before.

Fil's health really isn't good. He has already fallen in his new house and has been advised he just needs to "stay down" for a good couple of weeks. If only that could fix everything. It really makes me thankful for my own parents health, both mentally and physically. My parents are basically the same age as Fil, but have always taken care of themselves. I am glad that we only have to focus on one aging parent right now and not having to address it from both sides.

Today, T decided that he wanted to clean out the garage and get everything organized. I was not going to get in the way. I knew that it was probably best for me not to be around the house much, because T does have a tendency to get grumpy whenever he does a "home improvement" project. One of the reasons why I fell in love with him was because he made me feel "normal." I thought that I was a perfectionist and was hard on myself... until I met him. :) I remember him saying real early on while we were dating, "Yeah, I know I anal... but that is just me." ... AND he said it smiling. It was such an epiphany for me! Someone can be anal and OK with it? It was a changing moment in my life... to say the least, the rest is history.

I was productive... touched base with my cousin (who is like a sister to me), blogged, laundry is in process, went for a run, etc. The one aspect to my day that I was kind of dreading but really wasn't too bad... I did have a baby shower to attend. Luckily, I knew many people there and could distract myself with conversation. I went out to lunch with a friend before the shower and then only stayed for ~1 hour of the shower and slipped out. Everyone was very nice and several did ask me how things were going with our adoption process. I really did appreciate that and did take advantage to talk about it. It did feel weired talking about our adoption process at someone else's baby shower... but hey, the other's asked; I also felt like they were sincere in asking, so I felt comfortable responding... I hope that's OK. I was also glad for the distraction of the conversation, because secretly (not so much now)... I was dreading this shower. My friend who is expecting... she doesn't even know this... but her due date is actually the due date we would've had if Round #2 would have succeeded.

Talk about coincidences of life. Once again, the bitter sweet irony of life is ever present. Anyways, I need to go get ready for bed. I am ready to start this week... especially when compared to last week. I am sure it will go by quickly... a lot to do at work and this coming weekend I am going to KC to spend with a good friend and endulge in a new found love of "spa day." T-5 days and counting... Good Night!

Coincidence?

I don't have much time right now. This week ended MUCH better than last week. I am getting ready to take dinner (Chili's) over to a friend who just had surgery on Wed. We will just spend the evening hanging out with them.

I did peak at my horoscope again... I think I should just quit writing my blog and just tell everyone to read my daily horoscope to know what is going on in my life, know how I am feeling, and how I dealing with things. Anyways, today's was:

The last few days may have been a bit strange, as if winds were blowing in from other dimensions. Now, however, the weirdness begins to dissipate and your life returns to normal -- or as close to normal as it's going to get for a while. Don't waste time trying to figure out where you are going. Just focus on what needs to be done for others right now. Your true pleasure comes from being productive in the present moment, not dreaming about the unknown future.

Weird? Coincidental? How much more true can that get about me for right now in my life? My measure of success on a day-to-day basis is typically how productive I have been. I have always been a list maker and love the feeling of crossing things of my to-do list, I am a true byproduct of my upbringing... Thanks, mom. :) Since I haven't been productive at work, I have really been trying to focus on those around me, it also helps me to forget about my frustrations; it feels good to be there for others. And finally, the part that refers to dreaming about the unknown future... how true is that!? I know that we probably shouldn't be because it makes things a little frustrating, but it is so hard not, too! :)

Anyways, I do feel as though life is slowly returning to "normal" (whatever that might be)... or at least status qua for now. No major plans for the weekend. I am probably going to have to go into work for a couple of hours tomorrow, didn't get everything done today... but I am really OK with that because I got a lot of other things done. We are going to go visit my father-in-law (FIL) on Sat... that in itself is a whole other story. And finally, I am hoping to get a couple of runs in for the weekend. I ran 2.3 miles yesterday and walked 1.0 mile. Through the ease of technology (Nike+ IPOD hardware and website), I figured out I could challenge my brother to a race. We have until the middle of March to see who can get the fastest 3 mile time. I am really out to beat him! :) I just really want a normal weekend for now; my brain has been on such overdrive that I really hope that I can keep it in neutral through the rest of the weekend.

Resolution.

My early morning was interesting. We have a huge group in bootcamp right now. We have probably ~30+ people. I told T that if my first camp had been like this one, I am not sure I would have ever completed and/or enrolled in abother one.

So this morning, I was faced with many things I don't normally deal well with. 1) Large groups of strangers; 2) Competition (we did timed trials and participants were very competitive with each other); 3) Everyone was talking incessantly (Believe it or not, I really don't like to talk too much first thing in the am); and finally, 4) While doing chest presses, I was stuck between two girls talking about how wonderful motherhood is, how they are "planning" the next pregnancy, how hard pregnancy is on the body, and how "lucky" I am to have not experienced these changes to my body. Really? I just kind of tuned them out, smiled, and the focused on my heavy set of dumb bells. Even though all of this happened before 6:15 am, amazingly, I still left in a good mood! How? I have absolutely NO idea. :) I think it is because of the people that I have met their previously... they are such good and down to earth people. I feel like I am accepted for me. Serious, average, no make-up Keri.

Moving on to the rest of my day. I first want to say that I really I hate the saying patience is a virtue... even though I value and truly understand the truth of the statement! Each day that has gone by over the past week, I truly was just riding the waves at work. Drowning, but never the less continuing to tread water just enough to catch a breath here and there. Once again, a friend asked me... how can you be so patient with work? Once again, my answer was... what choice do I have? I have been in my position long enough that I know just to just give it time for things to work through themselves. Sadly, I doubt many of the conversations that were exchanged and resulted in conflict aren't even remembered.

Anyways, at least the knot in my stomach is finally gone and I feel like I have energy again (for now)... thank goodness! I have no idea what got things back on track, but they are (for now). We still don't have all the pieces in place... but at least we have a little bit of a back-up plan and have some more flexibility again. At least for now, I feel like we have the border completed to this messy puzzle of anticipation on the work front. Huge, I mean *HUGE* relief! I just hope the girl who is our "back-up" plan is going to be just as excited that we got somethings worked out. I am hoping to have a response by tomorrow.

Anyways, as mentioned last night, I also sent an e-mail to our social worker about how "worn down" we were after the adoption readiness seminar and gave examples of why it was so frustrating. I was able to provide some examples of resources we are looking for and would be helpful if presented. I also vocalized that it would be nice to acknowledge the "bitter-sweet" aspects of this process. So much was talked about the grief and difficulties of the birthmom, but very little was addressed about the grief of the adoptive families. Basically, all that was said is that the adoptive family should be "cautiously excited," but really? Excited is still has a positive connotation. I think that adoptive families are pictured as eagerly anticipating their adoption just like a pregnancy... to some extent this is true, but not really.

I think that the Adoption Readiness Seminar also should acknowledge the delicate emotional, grief, and financial aspects that is being balanced during this process would be helpful as well. I told her one of the reasons why we love our agency is because of all the support and focus that is provided for and with the birthmother. That because of all they do for her, it reassures me and is comforting to know that the birthmother has confidence, faith, peace, and closure in her decision to make her adoptive plan. But there needs to be more balance at the adoption readiness seminar in presenting information from both perspectives, birthmom's and adoptive families. Everything at our seminar was just presented from the birthmom's prospective.

Well... I need to be getting ready for bed. Morning is going to come really early and I do want to get to yoga. I am also starting my first day of my nutrition support curriculum and training for the new class of interns. I am really lucky that I have been able to serve in an "adjunct professor" position now since 2002. I cannot believe that I have been teaching Nutrition Support to grad students for 7-years now. Time just flies. I still love it and am so thankful for this opportunity. However, balancing this opportunity and our employee wellness/weight loss challenge at work, in addition to my "usual" work load has really added to everything.

I am really keeping my fingers crossed and hope that everything is on the downhill slide, for now. Resolution to stress has come for now.

Quick Update

Since I left my last entry open ended... here is a quick update since I am really needing to get to bed; 4:40 am is going to come really quickly!

I am finally feeling better tonight, both mentally and physically. I learned years ago, but stress really takes a toll on my body. Today was much better at work. Still have not discussed any staffing issues. I think my supervisor knows she pushed me too far and stressed me out too much, so she has been pretty hands off Monday & Tuesday. She actually called me to have lunch with her today and we just had a pretty chit-chatty lunch, which is a good sign from her. I was still absolutely exhausted last night from both work and drain of the stress. Was in bed by 9:00 and passed-out asleep by 9:30. Really had a difficult time making myself go to Yoga this morning because I was still exhausted, but I went and I am really glad that I did. I think it really helped to get my day off to a little better start.

I have continued to look over possible staffing plans or ways to handle the situation yesterday and today and slowly but surely I am developing a plan in my head how I can address and handle everything; I feel good that my thoughts are starting to form some kind of organization and plan. I just have such a "necessity" and "drive" to have everything organized constantly. I guess I feel like I am on a see-saw right now. I am in a position where I am having to wing things a lot and just take things one day at a time... but my personality is one that I am a planner and must have things in order. It's really tough.

Still through everything, I think I have some "nagging" insecurities lingering in the back of my mind about the adoption process. I think the "Adoption Readiness Seminar" that we attend a couple of weeks ago, actually made me more anxious and concerned about the process working than completely reassuring me. I exchanged an e-mail with our social worker today, and I think that I am going to visit with her more about that the ARS actually made us more anxious about the process rather than reassuring us. I explained a little in my blog by voicing some of the unfairness to this process; but, now that we are further removed from the ARS and back to stress of everyday things like work, I realize that the seminar we attend actually stimulated some of my thought process to how unfair the adoption process is.

You can probably debate... Yes, "adoption readiness" does include acknowledging the unfairness to the process... but as I think about it, it should also make us comfortable with the unfairness (yes, an oxymoron; but can make sense if you think about it). The seminar should NOT have made us more anxious. I guess I just feel like I should being something productive. Right now I am feeling good about trying to provide some "constructive criticism" to our social worker that some of the issues addressed in our seminar could have and should have been handled quite differently. We should not have left there feeling somewhat "tired and beat-up."

Anyways, off to bed for me... as always, I have too many thoughts and words circulating through my head. :) Good night, sleep tight.

PS -- Just read my horoscope again. I hadn't read it for several months until this weekend... but now I am a little addicted because it's weird and very conincidental at how it is reflecting my thoughts about work right now. I guess it just goes to show how you can make it work for whatever is going on in your life.

It's challenging for you to share your big ideas today because you know how delicate your overall plan is in its beginning stages. Unfortunately, you probably haven't had enough time to fill in all the details and you don't want everyone else's input until you're sure of your own thoughts. Don't be in such a hurry; slowing down and solidifying your strategy is smarter than telling everyone what you're going to do. Start on the ground floor and work your way up.

And, YES, I did read the horoscope after I typed my previous blog for tonight!

Am I Ready for Today?

I really don't know. Didn't sleep very well last night, I just couldn't get to sleep. Bootcamp felt really good this morning and I met an amazing person! You could just feel her genuine enthusiasm at 5:30 in the morning. You know that she is always like that, and it was very refreshing; some people you can just sense a very sweet and genuine spirit. She was one that I walked away hoping that we would get to know each other better. I can really see having her as a friend in my life.

Anyways... don't have much time as I need to get ready for work. Just wanted to share my horoscope for today... do I dare hope that my work day will be off to as good of a start? :) Conincidental and odd timing for me to have such a horoscope after I was stressed all weekend. Needless to say, it did bring a smile to my face at the odd timing. I think I should go open a fortune cookie now or buy a lottery ticket? Hee... hee...

You may be in line for a raise or simply an appreciative pat on your back. Naturally, a financial windfall would be better, but acknowledgment from your boss goes a long way now. It's not time to hold yourself back; too much self-restraint can make you miss an important chance to dramatically change your life for the better.

Anyways, more later. I really pray that everything get ironed out today; it just has to. Stay tuned...

Tomorrow is Monday...

This weekend hasn't been too bad. I have enjoyed most of it, but my anxiety about tomorrow at work keeps knocking at my door. Every once and a while, tears just sneak up on me. However, on a scale of 1-10. I would definitely have to give this weekend an average of 7.5. Not too shabby. The scales were definitely tipped more in favor of good memories and some relaxation than not, thank goodness.

Friday night, we just lounged around the house as previously noted. Saturday, we slept in a little. I hopped on the elliptical and then got ready to go for our afternoon out. Before I reflect on the events of the day, I just really want to say that I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. It is just so commercial and sad that as a society we need a day to say "I love you?" Furthermore, I remember back to elementary school days of Valentine's Parties. I remember my mom making me give Valentine's to everyone, which I didn't understand why at the time. I also remember being keenly and sadly aware that some kids would get a lot more Valentine's than me, but I also remember being conscientious that I would get more than some of the other kids. Even as a child, I was always aware of the bitter-sweet things in life. Now, as an adult, I still don't like Valentine's for the very same reasons... my heart just goes out to those people who do not have others in their life "to be a Valentine" with. I believe that people remember and experience more heartbreak on Valentine's day than actually can enjoy and appreciate what the day is about. I know, a pretty depressing viewpoint, but I can't help the way I feel.

Anyways, all week long, everyone at work kept asking, "Ooh, do you have plans for Valentine's Day? Is your husband going to send you flowers? Etc, etc." I just politely said no, mainly because it really didn't matter to me. However, we did have plans. T took the initiative to get us tickets to the Smuckers Stars on Ice Program. To be honest, we he first mentioned it, I really was not excited at all. I was not excited about having a "cheesy date" to a "cheesy event," let alone sharing with other people that I was celebrating this "cheesy day." I kept telling myself it is the thought and the effort that counts. I finally confessed this too him on the way to the event. He smiled and chuckled. He said, "I know. That doesn't surprise me you feel that way. I kind of feel the same way, too." He said that he just wanted to do something out of the ordinary and this caught his eye, that it just so happened to be Valentine's Day. We had a wonderful lunch and then enjoyed a very fun event. It was fun to see all of the performances.

The programs really made me reflect on the awe and wonder of how "sport" and "art" can merge so well. As I have recently starting practicing yoga on a regular basis, there is a lot to yoga that reminds me of my own "sport" background, competitive springboard diving. I love the distinct lines the body can form as it is stretched. I love the feeling of strength in holding a "pose." I love the grace that can be seen in physical flexibility. Yoga has acutely reminded me at how amazing the body is. During the performance yesterday, I had a renewed, or maybe even new found, appreciation for the combination of art and sport. Everything about athlete's movements, stretches, poses, strength, and endurance was absolutely amazing, so artfully skilled and filled with beauty.

I really haven't done too much today. Got ready to go to church this morning, actually got to church a little late, but my feelings snuck up on me again and brought a few tears again, so we went across the street and had an Egg McMuffin instead. I loved just sitting there and spending time with T. Very refreshing and still very much needed, even if that is what we have done all weekend. After we returned home, I did go out for a run to try to rid myself of the stress. It helped somewhat. We have not pushed ourselves to do too much around the house, also very refreshing and nice. We have just enjoyed spending time just being here and with each other.

In closing, I guess I really did have the perfect Valentine's Day. Just being with my best friend and someone who loves me. I guess more importantly, I know that we would have had this exact same weekend regardless of what holiday it was. I guess that is the most important fact to me and what I will go to sleep tonight being thankful for. :)

Irony

OK. Today and tonight I am incredibly anxious and cannot shake it! Ugh! My supervisor at work is stressing me out with her ideas about how we need to get ready for me to be gone and how things need to be staffed to be ready for when we get a baby. She thinks she knows how things work and staffed, but she doesn't; she just has never worked with the schedule upstairs. I know that should be a compliment to me because I always make it work; therefore, she doesn't feel she needs to be involved. But when it comes to making large staffing decisions, she does take the upper-hand and it becomes very difficult to talk to her. I have tried to talk to her and have failed.

I can't seem to be able to communicate to her that she does not have the correct and most up-to-date information. When I have tried to tell her, she feels that I am being argumentative and perceives me as the problem. We run a very slim operation with FTEs and no overtime. How she is wanting to staff will decrease the flexibility of our current schedule and/or cause us to go over our current allowance of budgeted FTEs; neither of which our department can afford. How do you point out to your boss that the staffing plan she wants, does not match the budget!?! I am afraid of hiring someone to help us, and then it not being able to meet their expectations for hours.

Bottom line is, I am disproportionately stressing over this, but I cannot get it off my mind! Ugh! I am afraid if we establish a plan now, we really are just going to have to keep revisiting this every few months until we get a baby. I don't want to have the constant stress of staffing hanging over my head for the next year to 18 months. Coming home tonight was very difficult and I felt defeated when I walked into our empty house. Here it is the weekend and I am still obsessing about work! I am obsessing about a decision that needs to be made... but actually may not be put into full effect until over a year from now! Ugh!

Anyways... as my mind has been racing... I came across my horoscope for today. In reading it, I found some irony, or should I say truth to what it had to tell me for today:

It's challenging for you to lead by example today, especially when you keep changing your mind from minute to minute. You might not trust a decision that you make now, even if you have all the supporting data that you need to justify it. Don't get hung up trying to answer any one question. Just respond to the best of your current ability and be ready to move on.

I am trying not to get hung up on one question, but I feel that I am because of my supervisor's needs and insistence. I have all the supporting data that I need to justify everything, but it is not being received. Once again, this is just another aspect that makes me feel stuck in my job. I am tired of being the one that makes everything work. This is ironic to me, because I like being the person who makes everything work and take great pride in my skills that I am able to do this; but it is also the aspect that end up resenting the most periodically.

These are the things that I have done since 5:00 today to try to unwind. First, I went for a 3.2 run/walk. It felt really good but I still felt jittery and really wound up when I finished. Next, I took a hot shower and gave myself a home facial with a green-tea mask; once again, felt really good, but did nothing for my jitters. A little while later, I shed a few surprise tears that took my husband by surprise as he pulled me into his arms. He asked me what was going on and I just could not find the words. I knew if I started talking, the dam would break. At this point, I just asked him to go to the store to get a bottle of wine to help us relax through the rest of the evening. Since then, I have tried to mindlessly loose myself in other people lives reviewing facebook profiles. Now, I am venting through journaling here on my blog. Slowly but surely (I think ??), I am finally letting go and able to breathe deeply for the first time today.

The other thing ironic to my evening is that I am sitting here watching Cliffhanger. (Side Note: I really do like the movie a lot and could watch it over-and-over again; which I have). I know this is a probably bit dramatic, but I could draw the parallel to this is where I am at in life right now... just hanging from a cliff... the scary part about this feeling is that I am becoming quite accustomed to just hanging here from day-to-day, even more scary that I have become somewhat comfortable with this spot. As I told my friend last night when she asked, "how do you do it? You seem so calm about everything." I just told her, "I really don't have a choice. I can choose to accept where I am at... or I can choose to hate it."

I really, really hope that I can put work and the stress of trying to staff for the unknown future behind me for the next 48-hours. I pray for the insight and wisdom on how to approach this situation without making it that much more stressful. For now, I am just going to enjoy being here on the sofa with my husband who is worried about me, enjoy my glass of wine, and finish watching a good movie, Cliffhanger... where everything doesn't necessarily turn out OK, but everything is resolved in the end. That is comforting to know that there will be resolution down the road... once again, it is just waiting and riding everything out.

Today is Over Again

Today was a little better. I still had problems holding myself together this morning at work. I just cried from pure exhaustion today vs. the feelings of frustration that was experienced yesterday. I think work is just completely overwhelming me right now. I feel that no one really understands what I do, let alone how much I do. The documentation, paperwork, and essentially CYA is very tiring and draining. The afternoon went by quickly. This was good because meant I could go home. However, I wasn't near as productive as I needed to be to completely finish my day at work. I am supposed to do an in-service in the morning that I haven't even started to prepare for... I guess I will be winging that one, too. I am just tired of winging things and flying by the seat of my pants. It is not in my personality type to do things that way... but I guess it must be done. Actually, I have surprised myself at how comfortable I have become at winging things.

I did enjoy this evening. I met a good friend at Starbucks from some "coffee." I had hot green tea (my hot beverage of choice). I rattled her ear off. I am finding a lot of enjoyment in my connections. I also met with a fellow in waiting parent this past weekend. This new found friendship and meeting helped me to be weirdly reassured and comforted by the statement "it is what it is." I probably rattled her ear off, too. Words cannot describe the feelings of relief found through these connections. It is a perfect example of you don't know what was missing in your life until new friendships and connections are established. I have always been a "relationship" focused and driven personality type, I didn't realize how starved I had become for deeper more intimate friendships over the past couple of years.

I just feel a drive in myself I haven't felt for a long time... I am just trying to find the right outlet in which I can productively and efficiently expend my energy. I feel as though I am almost there, but I am just short of reaching the outlet. I have a slight fear that there is a burnout just around the corner that I am trying to avoid. For now... I am just going to continue focus on what is renewing my energy... the relationships in my life.

Today is Over

Today was a rough day - work is completely stressing me out. Last night was a rough night. I was anxious and not on the same page as my husband about an "issue" in our life. Some bathroom crying occurred both last night and today. I hate to cry... Even more, I hate crying in the bathroom. Yes, my husband and my co-workers know that they contributed to my tears. Both tried to make it up to me somewhat. I know I need to work-out tonight, but I am too tired and drained. Right now, I am feeling better than I did this morning, which is good; but, I am really too tired right now to elaborate or process any more. Surprisingly, everything that is stressing me out right now is not even adoption related. Is that good or bad? I really don't know.... I guess it is just another day I am ready to put behind me. I really hope tomorrow is better, it has to be. I am ready for certain stresses in my life to be gone... but one of our major "issues" has just recently moved closer to our everyday life (figuratively and physically), and I am pretty sure the people at work are not going to change their behaviors.

As I am finishing watching my favorite reality TV show, I can honestly say that I have put today behind me. My show reminds me of working towards a goal, believing in yourself, and hope. Tonight I have accomplished a lot. I had a wonderful discussion with my covenant group at church, loved being able to read some of my book, and enjoyed some time on the sofa with my husband. Now, I am ready for a good nights sleep with the sound of the rain outside washing everything away. Good Night, Sleep Tight. Tomorrow is a new day.

About Me

Yesterday... I decided I would go running. Yes, running for "pleasure" or rather exercise. Our elliptical broke a week ago. After we finished with our rounds of infertility... I made a commitment to myself to get some of this extra weight off that had gradually developed over the last 5+ years. Through the course of hormone treatments, I had probably gained ~15-20#; I had probably gained ~5-10# in the first 5 years before our treatments.

Initially I was a little self-conscience of my need and desire to lose weight because I am a dietitian by career and have an exercise physiology degree. I was also afraid of trying to lose weight and failing... What if the weight wouldn't come off? So in my subconscious way of doing things... I just decided that I would get "healthy" and "active" again. I decided that if I just exercised regularly again and got back "in-shape," then I could be happy. I needed to focus on myself. I can honestly say that it has been probably at least 10-years since I had routinely and regularly exercised. I have exercised intermittently, exercised for stress; but nothing on a regular basis. Life really had a hold of me. I was letting life dictate to me what I could and couldn't do... exercise and taking care of myself was one of those aspects... "I just didn't have time."

Well, after things didn't work out last fall... I had it. I was focused and determined to regain back something I didn't even know I had lost. In September, I quietly signed-up for a "boot camp" through a local non-profit agency that meets M-W-F morning at the local high school. It is essentially circuit training. With free weights, resistance training, conditioning, aerobic fitness, etc. Well, the changes in myself are unbelievable. I have lost ~15-17# to date, 1" from each arm, ~2 inches from my waist, ~2" from my hips. Wow! I still cannot believe it. I have just been regularly exercising and counting my calories.

It has been hard work, because because it needed to happen, and because I was ready and open to change in my life... it has actually been easier than I would have ever imagined. My next step is keeping it off, and I would actually like to see if I can get another 10# off. I am not going to obsess about it, but rather just focus on how good I feel.

Everything this past year feels so surreal, both the good and the bad. I cannot believe how much we have endured and handled on an everyday basis. As I am looking to the future (vs. just day-to-day) for the first time in a long time... I am become more goal oriented again. One of the things that I am contemplating is possibly trying to do a 5 or 10 K possibly? Even when I was participating in organized sports and activities as a kid and through high school, I never considered myself to be athletic; especially since I have always hated, yes, hated to run.

I amazed myself yesterday, I completed a 3.3 mile path -- ran 2.3 miles (walked 0.6 miles, ran 1.8 miles, walked 0.5 miles, ran 0.5 miles). Thanks to the technology of Nike+, I know that I averaged ~12 min/mile while walking and ran at about ~9 min/mile pace. I truly amazed myself, and that in itself feels so good. But now that I am in my early to mid thirties, I am surprising myself by saying that "I can be," or rather, "I am athletic." I am learning that I like variety of activities. I am learning that I like to sweat. I am learning again that I am strong, both physically and mentally. :) I think the bottom line is that I need and want to define myself in a new ways. My desire to get back "in shape" can manifest itself on many different levels and serve as a metaphor in so many different ways.

Change in Theology

I feel as though I am coming into my own again. I feel that I am rediscovering the person who I used to be. I didn't realize how my "everyday" life and routine had consumed me over the past few years. Now that we are moving forward, I am feeling energy... I am feeling connected... I am feeling opinionated... I am feeling like myself. Today was a big day for me. We received some news about the birthmother we spoke to AND I stood up for how I view this period of our life.

First, I e-mailed our social worker to see if she had heard anything from the birthmother we spoke with. She had. Sadly, the "alleged" birthfather is causing problems for the birthmom and the adoption plan is on hold. Because of the actions the birthfather is taking, he will have to prove paternity now and will not let the birthmother place the baby in adoptive care. My heart just goes out to her because he is essentially placing her and "forcing" her to parent the child; even though she does not feel she is ready or has the resources to be an adequate mother. I cannot imagine the angst the birthmother is feeling right now. Once again, it just shows how life is not fair (to say the least) and how one can truly be trapped by circumstances of life. My heart just breaks for this mother-to-be.

Secondly, before I get into the actual situation... this is a hard blog for me because I don't want it to appear "preachy." But at the same time... it is hard not to talk about infertility and the "miracle of life," and babies, without acknowleging the Faith-based influences and religious theology has on this phase of our life. Whether you are active in your church, have religious influences in your backgroud, or a strong personal Faith... it is hard not to question the role of a higher power in how you cope, what you believe, and how to deal with crappy and unfair circumstances in your life. For us, we are typical midwesterners who participate in organized religion, I would say we are pretty standard Methodists in our Faith and beliefs. We have relied on our Faith and beliefs to help us through the past few years. To us, we cannot imagine enduring what we have endured without our Faith and church family... For us, we believe that we have weathered this storm so well because of our Faith. With that being said, let me outline a conversation that I had tonight.

I got into a discussion with someone else who wanted to "assure" me that "this" is all apart of God's plan. However, with where I am at in life... I just cannot accept being infertile is a part of God's "plan." The person that I was speaking to also went on to say that God "allows" us to hurt. Once again, with where I am at in life... that theology also does not work for me. Is God with me in my hurt, yes. Is He hurting with me, yes. But is he "allowing" this to happen to me, NO... I am sorry, I just cannot accept that.

For myself and where we are at, I believe that this experience is making us stronger people. I believe that we will be able to help others from this experience. I believe that this is will make parenthood so much sweeter for us. I believe that our personal Faith and spirituality, more mature, and has grown. I believe that ultimately we can give purpose to this situation ourselves. That the purpose is not predestined by God. We can either choose to use this "life experience" to grow personally and help others, or we can choose to shut ourselves off from the world and sight of all that is beautiful in this world. We can deal to either choose to deal and play with the cards we have been dealt, or fold and give-up. We can choose for this experience to illustrate how Faith is essential, if not vital, to coping with things out of your control and everyday life at the same time. Faith and beliefs helped us find the strength to continue to endure.

To me, the theology of God's plan and time also does not make sense to me, because: 1) why is a pregnant "man" making headlines of the newspapers?; 2) How can a previously sterile man (Lance Armstrong) father a child?; 3) Why does a mother who already has 6 children continue to pursue infertility in a situation which ethics are questioned, and results in the birth of octuplets so she now has a total of 14 children?; 4) Why did Baby Grace have to suffer?; 5) Why are babies born to mothers who couldn't quit taking drugs while they were pregnant? ... if it's not my time to be a parent, then it implys that it was time for these circumstances to happen? It just doesn't make sense and trying to make sense right now is just futile.

We are back to the saying... it is what it is. End of story. Trying to make sense of this... or rather yet, passively accpeting that this all a part of God's plan... would make me insane and bitter. For now, I just stop and know that theology doesn't work for me. What is hard for me to accept is that others really just cannot understand unless they have "truly" been through it themselves... even if someone has been through it first-hand, it is different for all... and it's definately not the same if their best friend endured, their niece suffered, etc. Right now, I have an insatiable desire to try to make others understand, and that is my Achilles heel in this process. I have to become OK with others not really understanding but think they do -- this is the purpose of this blog. To help me express myself and my thoughts about this journey, to express my thoughts to others.

For now, to cope we just focus on one day at a time... each day is a new day... and that there is something else bigger out there than ourselves that is helping us get through this time in our life. For us, that larger force out there is God and Faith. For me personally, I feel more empowered and confident to handle the road a head of us knowing deep down inside it will be worth it. Even though I know in my head and heart that it is worth it, but that still doesn't make it any easier by a long shot. The road still sucks, the road still painfully hurts, and the road is still too long (there are no short cuts), it is filled with grief, we still must be cautious and gaurded, we cannot always trust -- but we are able to endure because not alone on this journey. This journey was not predistened, this road was not chosen... but we are not alone. End of story.

Sometimes I am asked... how do you do it? But really, to me and how I cope is that I don't have a choice... I can choose to keep going, enduring, focusing on the end, and hanging onto my Faith... or I can choose to get lost on an even longer darker path.

I know that many won't agree with the conversation on many levels. I just want to stimulate people to think from a different perspective. However, it felt good to be confident again and standing up for how my Faith and personal theology has changed during this time. I felt good to be comforable talking about how Faith has influenced how we coped. It just felt good being true to myself as another day passess in our everyday life. Amen.