De ja vu...

De ja vu… I think I have another post that has this same title. So then it really is De ja vu in every sense. I just received an e-mail from our social worker. Our profile is being show (along with several others) to a birth mother this afternoon. Once again, I had just returned to a place in my life where it wasn’t consuming my thoughts. Once again, I had just returned to a place where I wasn’t feeling insecure with “why doesn’t someone choose us?” Well, I am back on that roller coaster. After I read the e-mail, I sat staring at my computer for a few minutes… I am to the point that I really don’t know how to respond or react. The excitement and emotion is gone for now. Once again, I my heart dropped into my stomach and all that is there is a heavy feeling. I want to believe that maybe we have a chance. That maybe this could be it…. But my mind is saying, “probably not.” It’s a weird feeling to be hoping for a “maybe” these days. Previously, I was to a point that I would allow myself to be excited about maybe having a reason to be excited…. if that makes any sense?

The aspects to my de ja vu feelings today include:
** Starting my patient care notes after my rounding in the NICU. For some reason, I find it so ironic that my niche here in the hospital remains the NICU during this time of my life. ** I am in the middle of a patient care note and I cannot continue because my mind is swamped with thoughts and emotions about the e-mail I just received from our social worker. ** The feeling that is now in the pit of my stomach and probably won’t go away for a while. ** The time of day. I still have a least two hours of work to complete before I can leave. I just want to leave now. ** The overwhelming feeling of… what can I do? Then followed by the realization of nothing. ** All I have is information that I can do nothing with. ** Now my head is pounding because of all that was triggered by the reality of de ja vu. **

We have been through this process before and nothing lessons. The intensity remains and the roller coaster ride of our “everyday life” continues.

Anyways...

Wow! These last couple of weeks have been tough! Things are slowly starting to fall back into place and I am feeling “in-control” again. Everything was just becoming very chaotic with the politics associated with T’s family, disappointment sinking in with the adoption process, feeling tired and rundown, work being stressful for both of us, etc… and I am always just amazed at how much hormonal changes can skew rational thinking… even though you know it’s because of that and you know that you aren’t thinking rationally, it is just makes it all that tougher!

Anyways… I had a wonderful conversation with a friend last Wednesday. I texted her from work and asked if I could come over around 5:30. Of course she said, “Yes.” And then I told her that I would probably cry and that I was PMSing, and she said all the more reason to come over. Within a couple of minutes of walking in the door… she just looked at me and said, “Oh, honey… it’s OK. You are just so raw right now, everything is stinging and hurts.” It felt *so* good to have someone verify and be able to help me find the words of how I was feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically. After chit-chatting for a few minutes more… she asked or rather stated, “You are homesick, too, aren’t you?” That hadn’t really occurred to me, but I did have to admit that I was. Wow! One more thing to add to the pot of emotions… Oh, well. Its life and sometimes it just hits you all at once. Timing always seems to be impeccable with these issues.

Anyways… Time does heal… and last week is behind us. Life “feels” like is slowly returning to “normal” for now. It is frustrating knowing (in the back of our minds) that these “dysfunctional issues” are going to keep coming back again and again; once again, it’s just a matter of time before the cycle starts again with people crossing boundaries into your life.

Anyways… here is just a sampling of the things we have done to keep ourselves busy and keeping moving forward. Smiling and laughing have returned, thank goodness!
** I was able to go running a few times over the weekend – I am focusing on my goal of wanting to run at least a 5K consistently for exercise. ** I have taken “another” job, (just prn at a long-term acute care facility; I will cover for a friend of mine when she is not available)… nothing big or major, but it will be nice to have some extra money here and there. ** I had a massage on Saturday. It was very nice. ** I took advantage of an introductory offer for a yoga studio close by our house. 10-days for $10. It is heated yoga and has been very fun. T has been going with me as well. We have participated in 3-classess since Saturday. T has really surprised me at: 1) how much he enjoys it, and 2) how good he is at it, too! ** I had my measurements taken again for Bootcamp, I don’t have the results yet… but I am anxious to see my measurements and %body fat to see if there is improvement. Even though my weight won’t budge right now, my clothes continue to fit really well. I am hoping that my %body fat has decreased some more. ** I have been staying busy with getting ready for the start of the NTDA year. That has been a very nice change of pace being involved and organizing something again. ** For the holiday weekend, we went out to eat with friends of ours that have just moved here from Kansas. They have a little girl who is ~14-15 months who is adorable! She is so much fun and we had a great Mexican dinner with them all. **

Well, I guess that is it for now. When I started this blog entry, I originally had it titled, “Where to begin?” As I was finishing up, I realized that a much better title was “anyways.” I find myself saying that a lot these days as I try to accept the fact that life and everything “is what it is.” Also, not to mention that Martina McBride’s song Anyways is one of my favorites, in which that I have always been able to identify with over the last 2-3 years with everything that has happened. Besides, what better way than to have a blog entry titled after a personal theme song that you identify with? It truly sums-up and ties everything together for now.

I want to thank you all for the little e-mails of support and encouragement. I love every one of them and I love staying connected to you. Thank you.

*Sigh*

Well... I had really intended that my next blog be more upbeat and positive... kind of how I like to see my personality most of the time. Things are fine... status qua. I had a good evening last night with a friend who is going to help us "remodel" our portfolio for the prospective birth mothers. It felt really good to be productive. I posted on FB tonight that I should have worked-out... I think that is probably to blame for part of my blah mood... not to mention that mother nature is knocking at the door for her monthly visit. Oh, well... the cycle of life for now... no pun intended.

I am just filled with... or rather I am slowly becoming overwhelmed by my feelings of "not being good enough." It's tough... not only are we not feeling "good enough" on the adoption front... but I am also seen as a "not good enough" daughter-in-law. (I really just want to scream and pull my hair out!) It's is completely draining in itself despite everything else going on. I am not quite "good enough" to get this last 5-10# off... my weight continues to plateau. I am also feeling like I am not a "good enough" friend to some. People are just moving on... especially since we are in a different places in life... people change and move on. People tend to gravitate towards those they have things in common with... but then why do I feel like such a misfit right now? I am sure that people see us as changing and moving on as well... but I am just afraid they are avoiding me because they can just see how tired and sad I am on my face. I just want to feel included and apart of everything again. I am tired of trying to reach out and stay connected... I am just tired of constantly putting myself out there with the adoption, family, friends, and work... I am tired of working so hard at trying to maintain normalcy to our everyday life. It is just so much.

I like to tell myself that these feelings are normal under the circumstances... I just wish they felt normal. This is just what happens right now when I slow down... all my thoughts and feelings creep up on me and hit me like a train. T has been at a Ranger's game tonight and I have spent most of it by myself. It has been good... I truly was enjoying it up until I started getting ready for bed. Tonight, I had a good conversation with my cousin, cuddled with the dog, played some word games, wrote a couple of e-mails. I think that I am also feeling anxious about all my alone and downtime coming up this weekend. I have scheduled myself a massage and I am hoping to do some shopping.

Thank you all for your e-mails this past week... I loved each and everyone of them! I know that seems like an oxymoron in contrast to this blog... but I guess that just exemplifies the see-saw of thoughts and emotions we are experiencing right now. I really do enjoy our exchanges and staying connected through this cyber-world... I just wish there was more time in the day to visit, see, and talk with each other face-to-face. Thanks for reading again... sorry it is such a Debbie Downer again. Love you all!