180 Change... "blah!"

OK – I finished typing this blog up… and it is a complete 180 from my last post… I am almost feeling a little guilty about being negative. It's just not in my nature to be too negative... I feel that I am realistic but do describe myself as a "glass 1/2 full kind of a girl;" and can't stay down too long. In advance, I am sorry for the Debbie Downer nature of this blog. I really try to avoid too much negativity because I don’t want to isolate people from our lives. I don’t want to scare people into NOT talking to us. I know that many often struggle with what to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Throughout this whole time, I have intentionally tried to always “thank” people for asking, because I (we) do so appreciate it. It is so much easier to talk when asked vs. “easing” it into conversation. There is just no “easing” this topic into conversation. :)

Once again… there is really no news to report. There is still no word from the birthmother in July. She truly just disappeared. Our profile was being shown to a couple of other birthmothers, but no nibbles at this point in time… I think they have chosen other families. I have an e-mail out to our social worker.

I am truly to the point where I DON’T WANT to think about this process any more; I am beyond the point where I am pleased about keeping myself busy and it just happens that I am not thinking about it.

In the big picture, we are fine and comfortable with where we are at… enjoying the things that we are doing. But, on a day-to-day basis it is grueling and we are tired. Work is really wearing us down right now… especially for T. The mundane of everyday life is just “blah.” I am tired of having to patiently listen to conversations about parents complaining about their kids and they just want to give them away. I am tired of listening to conversations about the decision to have a “snip-snip” procedure and how expensive that is. You think that procedure is expensive! Try 3-yrs of infertility treatments, followed by monthly adoption fee payments! I am tired of having a ½ furnished house because our money is going elsewhere. I was a little disappointed that we weren’t able to take a “far away” trip for our 10th anniversary. I am tired of people assuming we are “newly” married because we have no kids, or rather that raised eyebrow of an expression when I say we have been married 10-yrs and do not have any kids. I am tired of being told we will make great parents… because at this point… I already know that we are great parents. I am tired of being told (by people with kids) to “be patient.” Really? I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water. I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am a little bored with my job… which I think is completely psychological because I know that I cannot change or go anywhere because of where we are at in life. More so, I am tired of having that little nagging voice in the back of my head… “Why aren’t we good enough?” “Do we seem that boring on paper, too?”

All of these “little” things just continue to pile on you… one comment you can brush off, two comments you can brush off, maybe three… but it becomes hard to handle all of this while knowing in the back of your head and in your heart you know that you were not “good enough” and “not chosen” yet again.

I know that a lot of this is probably inferred by me, and that I am overly sensitive to things. I guess this blog is a little more reflective of the mental and emotional beast of this process and the challenge it is to stay positive. I know that some people would tell me to ignore what other people think. Or rather yet “who really cares?” what other people say or think… and yes, I agree with that and that is true. But, I care so much about this process! It is hard to selectively determine what to care about and what not to care about. To me, it is one thing to be dealing with these things and you have chosen not to have kids vs. wanting them and NOT being able to have them. That is that catch 22 to this process. Since we want them, we know people are innocent enough with everything… but since it just hits us so differently because of the bitter-sweet journey we are on.

Once again, in conclusion… to those friends, who are reading this blog out of support for us, please don’t be afraid to ask or talk about “anything.” We love visiting with you about your families and activities, we love being included with you and your families and it is your support that is helping get us through this time. This is just sometimes the bitter reality of the horrible directions your mind can race to; as we are trying to wait “patiently” for the day we get our baby!

Thanks again for everything! Comments and questions are always welcomed.

Reflection

As I was returning home today (again)... I was just relaxing and drifting off to sleep as the plane took off from KC. I was a little melancholy as I have no immediate plans to return "home" to my hometown in the near future. In my half-awake state, I was reflection on the weekend. Despite being annoyed with some cousins intermittently throughout the weekend, it was a good weekend. I kept thinking... 10-years... so much has happened... but it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I couldn't help but think about what the next 10-yrs of marriage will bring us. Thinking about our anniversary, my grandparents anniversary, mom & dad's birthdays, and all the other birthdays and events that we have this time of year... a lonely memory of my heart came to mind.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out that round #2 from the infertility didn't work. It was a year ago two evenings ago, that Tracy and I were sitting in Carraba's (me teary eyed) trying to enjoy the "happiness" of the day (our anniversary), but knowing that odds were against us in conceiving... knowing that we would find out the outcome of treatment on my dad's birthday. We knew deep down inside what the answer was and were ready... I just wish that the "due date" wasn't on our anniversary and dad's birthday. We waited a week to tell our friends and family the outcome to give us time and space from the "happy" events of that time... with our own personal heartache.

Looking back... it feels like a dream... very surreal... I cannot believe that was just a year ago. In contrast, last year feels like a lifetime ago. As when we got married, August 7/8th represents a turning point in our lives... a year ago, I picked myself up from rock bottom to move on and haven't looked back since. It has been such a strong feeling... such a good feeling to feel back in control of my life again. Despite the "waiting" and unknown future... I feel whole again... I feel connected again... there is a part of my heart that will always grieve and be tender, but my heart feels content. For once, it is hard getting my mind to follow my heart instead of vice versa.

In conclusion... I am happy with where we are at in life. I am one lucky girl to have the husband I have, the family I have, and the friends that surround us. We just have so much... I just want to give the same to a opportunities, gifts, and love to a baby. I am glad to have last year behind us and hope that this year can be bookended by a new chapter in our life in the upcoming year... As one of my first posts ended in January... I wish I may, I wish I might...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Revertigo

OK. I really need to get this entry finished! I have been working on it for over 3-days now. To start this blog, I am going to steal a new term that was discussed in an old episode of “How I met your mother.” The timing of this new word was ironic, as I had just returned from my 15-year class reunion. Revertigo refers to how one “reverts” and “reassumes” roles and personality from earlier years of their life. I do have to admit that I did want to go to my high school reunion. I know there are a lot of people who have no interest in returning to that phase of their life and the clicky politics that existed. I can agree with that philosophy.

Yes, I did have fun in high school and I had a very close and good group of friends through high school, always had a busy social life with both friends and dating some, too. I was involved in extracurricular activities. Loved being on the swimming and diving team. I really cannot complain much about my years in high school. However, the part that is not fondly remembered are the feelings of inadequacy that you weren’t “good enough” for some people to be friends with or for them to talk to you. I often felt awkward because of my “nerdy” tendencies to say the least… AND (as my mom gently reminded me) I was really a “good” kid through high school. Still to this day I am not spontaneous. I am a rule follower (for the most part). I still don’t like surprises. These are traits that are still difficult to deal with in my “grown-up” life, BUT they were NOT typical traits of a teenager and they were quite obvious to my peers. I always felt like I was picked on and teased quite a bit through Jr. and High School. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb… maybe the difference is that I have grown into these traits and feel much more comfortable with this is just who I am… but more importantly… I am happy with my life and where I am at.

But… on that note… how come when you return home, you experience “revertigo” and somehow resort back to that awkward, self-conscience person you were in high school? Oh, well… such is life and revertigo really gives you some good stories to reflect on later in life. I also started to realize that a lot of my awkwardness is probably placed on me by myself… but why is it perceived that others are placing it on you themselves?

Anyways… enough of my wondering mind… Here are my memories of the weekend:

* This was the second time in 10-years that someone else besides my parents picked me up at the airport in KC. It was so fun walking off the plane to see welcoming friends. * Just starting to talk with them and have conversations like time had never passed. * Laughing so hard I couldn’t stop crying. Silly me for “seeing” the word lobectomy vs. lobotomy and confusing the two. MAJOR difference. Silly Me. * Staying at Johnnie’s for 7-minutes. * J losing her keys in the grass out back when it was really dark. * Sitting in S parent’s kitchen just chit-chatting. We decided that the personality of brothers is universal… and they probably feel the same way about their sisters, respectfully. * Sleeping with the windows open and having the crickets and cicada’s sing me to sleep. * Running errands around town with mom. * Oh, another funny story. Mom and I went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant in their new location on the west side of town. We walked into the restaurant about 11:15 am and didn’t realize how “new” the restaurant was. It was actually their grand opening and we were the VERY FIRST customer’s ever! We were completely oblivious to their excitement for the first few minutes we were there. * My “nemesis” of the diving team initiating the hello and exchange of hugs between ourselves. There was little conversation… but an exchange of how are you were made. * As vain as it might seem, I also appreciated a couple of compliments on how I still look the same and “good.” It was a moment of satisfaction to me, but I couldn’t help but think about were a year ago now vs. today. * The forced smile as several asked me about kids… luckily in the group, I was able to side step this question most of the time… but then the comment that always makes me cringe (which I hope does not show on my face) “well, just you wait until you have kids…” That is exactly what we are doing… and truly wish that people would not have to start their sentence and then have it followed by unsolicited advice… This was the part I was dreading most through the evening, but it didn’t come up as much as I had anticipated, thankfully. * Finally, I need to remember reconnecting with an old classmate through my high-school best friend. He and his wife had struggled with secondary infertility and had recently adopted. Speaking to him through a father’s perspective really warmed my heart and it is always nice being able to discuss the adoption and infertility openly. The connections of life really pick you up and keep you going. *

Overall, it was a very “Lawrence” filled night. We had dinner at Quinton’s downtown. Had our pictures taken in front of Liberty Hall. Then we took our trip down memory lane and reliving the pages of our senior yearbook. Once we arrived at the “family” event, my friends were watching every-one who walked through the door to see if we recognized and remembered them. I think deep down inside we were all wondering if they would recognize or remember us. I really enjoyed going in a small group of old friends. It was fun being together again – do I dare say, revertigo? Yes… initially I was pretty self-conscience. I continued to laugh whole-heartedly at many things… it felt so good laugh. It was also a good year to go. It felt good having 20# of weight behind me… both figuratively and physically. With the previous few years of stress behind us, I feel that I am slowly returning to my old self again (which I didn’t know was missing until this past year). I had a surprisingly good evening… I often found myself wondering why some people were speaking to me because they never spoke to me before… I was skeptic… but it was fun. As always, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been a little braver to mingle a little more and talk more, not be so skeptic. Oh, well… Maybe at the 20? Boy! … time is flying by way too quickly. I am being to learn at how much relationships mean to me… casual, lifetime, acquaintance, best friends, seasonal, family… I love them all.