Sharing...

OK... first let me try to explain what an "open" adoption is. Open adoption just really refers to all the information that is exchanged prior to the adoption and placement. Health histories, etc. In our case -- we exchanged web based e-mail address and cell phone numbers. I exchanged quite of few e-mails and texts with the birthmom before the baby's arrival. With open adoption, there is also the possibility of face-to-face interaction if desired by all people involved. In our case, we were lucky enough that the birthmom volunteered and invited us to come to a couple of her sonograms. It was a very bitter-sweet experience, but I am glad that we had that opportunity. Our sonogram visits are another story, for another blog, another day.

After the placement and after the birthmom relinquishes her rights... there is no "legal" biding obligation to continue communication. Ongoing contact is based more on a good faith agreement and need. Ongoing contact and communication can be direct between families... or it can also be facilitated through the adoption agency. As of now, ours is direct... but will probably shift to facilitated through the agency at some point in time. This is just what worked for us based on everyone involved. I am not sure if we would have this much "direct" contact had we been placed with one of the other birthmom's we had visited with during the previous 18-months.

As much as I am proud of the relationship we have established with our birthmom... at sometimes it makes me nervous because you do not know what the future holds, or how some people might change. Sometimes, T and I have had conversations discussing that it feels like we adopted the birthmom and birthfather, with our baby. These are just our emotions... not how it is. Our agency did a wonderful job of trying to coach and teach the birthmom's that an adoption plan DOES NOT mean co-parenting by any stretch of the imagination.

Sadly, many birthmom's in many programs dream of the fairy tail and happily ever after. They are always hopeful someone will come along and "save them" and "help them." They are often so desperately wanting someone to support them (mentally, physically, and emotionally)... want someone to believe in them... Luckily, our birthmom has a pretty positive outlook on life and is very goal oriented. However, since the placement of our baby... it has been hard for me to determine or decide how to relay information.... I was afraid of triggering a since of loss in her or making her sad with reports of how happy we are. What do you do? What do you say? I have had a couple of conversations with our social workers about how to handle these situations... but it is still hard.

Statistically speaking, the need for information and communication is higher for the birthmom's during the first year or two. After that, they have moved on with their lives and also have the reassurance that everything is very well taken care of, so that they can move on with their lives. As I have struggled with some of the contact I have had with our birthmother, since placement, I keep having to tell myself that we are only 3-months into this process... it will get easier with time. I also keep trying to remind myself that she is still just a teenager... senior in high school.

So, now with all of that background information... I want to share a letter with you that I wrote to our birthmom today. I woke this morning to a text with the birthmom saying that a family member had gotten angry with her about the adoption and she was feeling badly. I texted her back and asked what she needed to know from us to reassure her. She texted that she wanted to know how happy with were and how much we loved our baby. (After e-mailing our social worker about this exchange of texts and information)... this is the letter I wrote.
--------------------------
Dear --
There is SO much I want to tell you... but I can never find my words to express myself because it is so hard to explain all these emotions I am feeling. Over the past few months, I have hesitated in telling you how happy we are because I was SO afraid of making you sad. I also didn't want you to think that I just say whatever because you gave us her. I just have so much in my heart and mind, that when I go to say something... words just cannot come out.

This is the baby we could NOT have, but wanted so MUCH, and that is why they are SO SO special. They are the baby that we dreamed about for many, many years. We tried having children oursleves for at least 5-years (including infertility treatments) before we got on the adoption waiting list. Then we were ~1 1/2 yrs on the list to the day that we brought the baby home. This baby is our dream come true... they were loved and anticipated by so many before we even met you, the birthfather, and the baby. But then once we met you, Ian, and her... the love just truly multiplied. There is no words to express or describe these feelings or the connection that we have between us all. So many of our friends and family have also been waiting anxiously for the baby's arrival as well... they have been waiting with us to welcome such a special person into the world.

Everyone knows that this baby is so special because of who her parents are and where she came from... I cannot wait until she understands me when I tell her that they were loved so much before they were born, before they were conceived... that I loved them in my dreams, and I loved them before they were even a twinkle in my eye. I cannot wait to tell them how much her birthparents loved her as well. This little baby, is loved by all. Everyone is mesmorized and loves them instantly. They always mention how wonderful they are... and I know without a doubt that is because their beauty comes from the inside that you gave from your own spirit when they were conceived.

I cannot wait for their little personality to develop. Right now, they are so mellow and very easy going.... I cannot wait until we can "do" creative things with them... have them telling us stories, color, do art, run, etc. We will give them every opportunity they deserve. I want to make you proud of us and of her. I hope that we are making you happy with the life we have... I think of you daily. I get teary daily when I look at her in my arms and experience my dream come true. It still feels so surreal sometimes...

Our (yours and mine) experiences our hard. No one can really understand the heartache that we endured along our journey to meet the baby and to finally have them in our life. No one can really understand your journey or decision to place this baby for adoption for adoption... it is a beautiful thing in how our paths crossed and our lives became interconnected. It's hard because other people (even family and very close friends) think they can relate to us, and your friends and family to you... but they can't, and never will be able to. You just have to draw on your own inner strength and peace and keep moving along.

I guess something else good is coming out of our adoption experience with you. I have a friend who just found out her sister-in-law and stepbrother are going to start an adoption process. They are really intimidated by the process and everything involved, so my friend asked me to meet with them and talk to them about our own experience and reassure them. I cannot wait to tell them about you and our story. Because of you... we are going to be able to set a legacy and make other happy stories for more babies, more parents, and more birthmom's.

Now that I am thoroughly crying at work. :) I hope this letter makes you SMILE and can fill your heart with the peace and happiness that you deserve. Never doubt how much you are loved or all that you can do! Peace and love to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In conclusion... I received an e-mail back from her thanking me and now she feels great! That is exactly what she needed to hear. As with all my e-mails we have exchanged, I have printed this one off and am keeping everything to share with our baby about their adoption story and history. It is hard to "share" this family dream with a "third-party," ... but at the end of the day, it feels good because I know that we are doing the "right" thing.

Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Sweet Dreams.

Fragility...

OK -- this is a post that I wrote yesterday. I was having a day of deep thoughts and contemplation. I held off on posting it because I was afraid it would come off as preachy, depressing, or misunderstood. I think it can stand for itself right now... it is just is a reflection on life in general. Take it for what it is... there are no hidden meanings or messages... I still can just be taken aback by all the my friends endure and handle themselves on a everyday life. There are so many times that I feel like I am still I kid playing grown-up and trying to live a grown-up life.

I know that many of you are wanting an update of our phone call from today. It went OK, but there are many red flags there. I am really tired right now and am a little on overload from all the thinking I have done over the last couple of days. I will post more tomorrow about the phone call today.

Once again, I cannot tell you all how much your messages and intuition meant to me on FB today. You guys truly surprised me by picking up on the true nature of the phone call so quickly. It felt good to have so many people truly caring and sincerely interested in what is going. Thank you SO very, very much!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts and figure out how I want to approach this entry. First let me start off by saying that I do believe we live a pretty normal life... and to some extent, many would say it is a "sheltered" life. However, the more I learn about the people around me and in my life... sometimes I want to return to a time in my life where I really was naive to things around me. I guess the different between now and then is that, "now" I choose to keep myself sheltered; whereas, "then" I was sheltered because of naivety. Throughout the last few years, I have become acutely aware to how fragile relationships and the heart can be, despite people's best efforts to make and keep them strong and healthy.

Here are some examples of some different situations that I have encountered recently either personally or through my friendships. First, how strong can you keep your heart when a birthmother chooses you and then changes her mind? This has happened to friends of ours, not once but twice. To me, this process is the same as a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. I cannot imagine, how can she be so strong, keep going? I am not sure that I could -- and truly admire her and her husband, they are an inspiration for us during our own adoption process.

How strong can you keep your heart, when your spouse has an affair? (obviously this is not us!) I just found out today that we have close friends whose marriage is being challenged by this and they are trying to refocus on their vows and reconcile. I truly admire them for this, but unsure if I could be that strong. I have seen and read stories about how couples who struggled for years of infertility, eventually get divorced because it consumes their lives and the grief and loss of not being able to conceive tears them apart. (Jon & Kate + 8 may be a good public example of that, along with many other factors as well).

How strong can you keep your heart during times of trial when you don't have the support of your family? How strong can someone keep their heart when themselves or a loved one constantly struggles with depression? How strong can you keep your heart when there are constant financial worries and stresses? How strong can you keep your heart when you are not sure you will have a job tomorrow? How strong can you keep your heart when the "norm" (birth of a child) is actually a day of loss for you (birthmother who giving her child up to adoption)?

My list can go on and on... as I started thinking about things today... it almost seems to be the norm to have many things that weaken and break your heart on a daily basis. Over the past few years, I have become more acutely aware that it is almost more normal for people live with broken hearts on a daily basis vs. finding happiness in their everyday life around them... It truly boggles my mind (to say the least and as an understatement)... it makes me thankful for how well we have weathered this period of our life... but at the same time, it makes me keenly aware of how quickly grief, loneliness, and a broken heart can happen even in the strongest of people. What makes us different that we can continue to endure and find happiness in our daily lives and others were not?

To me... to us... I think the difference is that we have always embraced that "it is what it is." (Yes, there have been times when we have hated and resented this saying... but we have never denied the truth in these words). We have neither pretended to be nothing we are not, nor avoided situations in our life, but have always addressed everything head on with each other... it is VERY tough to do and easier said than done, but I can honestly say it works. Life does sneak up on you, your heart does become broken long before you realize it... but as I told a friend tonight, I know that you will overcome this regardless of the outcome. Keep searching for the peace you are looking for and you can find it... it might take time, your heart might still remain broken and wounded, but you can and will endure and find happiness again. You CAN heal and endure as long as you keep trying and refuse to give up.

In closing, I apologize for the "depressing" nature of this blog. My mind was just racing with many of the other difficult situations out there involving people that I know. Being the "thinker" that I am, sometimes I just cannot help wondering what I would do if I were them or how did that happen. I cannot help but wonder what are we doing different to stay strong...

Catch-Up

OK -- I am so, so sorry that it has been a while since my last post. Things have been a little chaotic to say the least. Things have been hectic at work with the start of a new intern that we will have for the next 9-weeks. It was the last week of Bootcamp, so I was trying to be really good with my cardio on off days to finish strongly and have really good numbers. We were hit pretty hard by the storms on Wednesday and Thursday (no power for a majority of those days and luckily, no major damage to our house but we had neighbors that did sustain significant damage). I was able to get a lot accomplished around the house chore wise on Saturday. And finally, I enjoyed some personal shopping time and a fun evening of softball with T.

His team took first place in the spring league. It was such a close game and so much fun to watch. Everyone was there cheering. It was tied 4-4 at the end, so it went into extra innings. T's team has so many good, good guys on. You can always just feel their friendship and camaraderie while playing. They are such a good example because they do truly play for fun and just happened to win the league. It was such a fun night with friends. It really will be a fun and special night to remember. It was the perfect summer night, too. Warm but with a nice breeze blowing. We all could have probably stayed out all night just enjoying the peaceful weather.

Bootcamp finished very well. I still have a few more pounds I want to lose; but I continued to loose inches and % body fat; I was pleased with my results and cannot wait to start again. Once again, my bootcamp buddies are just such a fun group of people... it is truly the people that make all the difference. It feels good to have found a "niche" with others and have something in common outside of my "typical" everyday life.

Finally, and most importantly... the other distraction that we have had in our life... or rather should I say I have been trying to find other things to distract myself from... is that we have a birthmom who is interested in our profile and wants to visit with us. This is truly baby step #1 ALL OVER AGAIN... nothing to get excited about, just part of this circular process. We were supposed to have a phone interview with her on Friday night, but it got postponed until tonight (Monday). According to our social worker, she is interested in making an adoption plan, but probably still hasn't decided and confirmed that his her intentions. Like us, she is still learning how this process works and trying to weigh all options and decided what is in her and the child's best interest. I kept myself busy most of the weekend... which worked (and probably deep down inside what I wanted), because I seldom found myself thinking about this potential. I am almost positive that I really didn't want to think about or deal with the thought of an interview until it happened. Now, I am feeling very nervous, anxious, and unprepared. I think T is prepared, but I am not. It is such a surreal feeling to be on-the-fence. This could be just another mother expressing interest or it could be "the one." Once again, the extremes are just so mind boggling -- so right now my coping mechanism is opting for the path of least resistance and not thinking or processing things. On another level, that is probably why I felt the need to indulge in retail therapy this weekend... was I was trying to distract myself.

Another bitter-sweet moment of life... I was talking to a new grandmother last week who made the comment to me, "you know, that is one of the most special times in a mother's life... when she can be there for the birth of a grandchild." As always, I just smiled and said "Absolutely, I know." ... and I wish and dream ...

Anyways... enough of that for now. I really need to get some work done this afternoon before I head home for the interview. I am counting down the days until our wonderful stress-free and escape into vacation.

The Glass is Half Full...

About a week ago, I went back through all my blog entries and reread them. That really was fun to do. I was afraid of what I might find and cringe at my overactive thought processes written down as a part of "public domain." I was relatively surprised at how much I enjoyed reading my old entries.

I started this blog because several people had asked me if I was blogging through this process. After much thought and debate over a couple of months, I took the plunge last January. I decided to start this blog with two main purposes in mind: 1) for those who are interested in the daily thought processes and emotions that accompany this process, it will be easier to read a blog than have a 2-hour conversation every time I see them (even for me, that would get old -- no offense to any of my wonderful and supportive friends :)...); and 2) I decided that I would like to personally start keeping a journal during this time to maybe help remember this time for when our child will have questions about their adoption process.

What concerned me about my blog and enabling others to read it was... I was afraid it would come accross overly negative, I was afraid that it would stimulate people to "feel sorry" for us, I was afraid that it would push people away because they would perceive me as always being a Debbie Downer. Any of those above is the last thing that I needed and wanted with this blog. Please, for those of you who are following me regularly... please feel free to provide feedback and ask questions about what is going on. I really want this blog to be more informational, educational, and supportive of how everyday life continues on "normally" while you are having a whole new set of emotions, thoughts, and communication with the infertility or adoption process that is consuming your time.

I guess what stimulated this entry was I felt like I had had several "deeper" thought process blogs recently about coping and grief. I wanted to reassure everyone that we are finding a lot to laugh about on a daily basis. We have found our "niche" in life right now along this bumpy road. What keeps us going is:

* Projects that we enjoy doing -- home improvement projects; we are nesting in a very big and slow way.:) * Finding things to do around the area -- I think that we are going to head over to the Old McKinney Square later this weekend and/or catch a movie. * I think this summer is the longest summer that I have been able to keep my hanging flowers outside alive. Yea! They are beautiful. * I love watching for my Black Swallowtail Butterfiles to come by. * I am truly loving the reconnection to many friends that I have found on-line through FB and my blog. Thank you. But I must confess, sometimes being who I am, I do overwhelm myself with my desire and need to stay connected. :) * Trying to find new and different work projects to keep my stimulated in my field -- I promise, I am still working on getting my career realted blog up and going on-line. * My physical activity -- I cannot believe how fit and active I have become over the last 9-months. I truly feel like a new person, words just cannot explain. :)

My words of advice to anyone who is going through a difficult time, I think the most important things that have helped us through these years has been: focusing on the things that we like to do, keeping a schedule and routine, and be intentional in all of our activities and all that we do. Finally, it has been through reaching out to others, asking for help, and maintaining our friendships that has helped us the most. This has been the most difficult because it takes time of energy, two things that often run low during tough times... but is is truly the factor that you cannot let go of.

Well, on that note... I am off to a morning run before it gets too hot. My weight continues to be stable. I just want to get this last 3-5# off so I can honestly say that I am the same weight I was when we got married 10-years ago. I am almost tempted to open up my wedding dress and try it on to see how things fit... but then I would need to have it re-preserved again. Hee... hee...

Have a wonderful weekend and I hope everyone enjoys the weather before the heat of the summer sets in. Take care.

Reflection...

To me, one of the toughest challenges to this process is reassuring others that you are "OK." It is kind of an oxymoron that a lot of our time is spent reassuring others that we are OK, instead of vice-versa. When you are happy, they think that you are faking it... when you are sad, they infer that you are emotionally unbalanced. People say it is "OK" to grieve and struggle (which is true); but yet, when they find out that you are grieve and struggling... they don't know how to respond. One of two things happen. First, they ignore that they are aware of the sadness surrounding the situation, hence making you pretend things are better than they actually are. Or two, they talk with you and try to talk you out of your feelings. "There really is no reason for you to be feeling that way." I know their intentions are good, I know they want to help... Ironically, it is those who care about you the most, who get the most frustrated, because they want to help, they want to fix... but they can't. All I am searching for is balance in my life. A temporary halt from the roller coaster of emotions, and hiatus from the see-saw of how people react and relate to you.

However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?

Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.

Mother's Day

I have been trying to think about what to post probably since Thursday. What is there for me to say about this day? Once again, this day is a perfect bitter-sweet example of life... it is very lonely and isolating not being "able" to be a mother on this day when you want it so badly, but at the same time... I also truly am happy because I have such wonderful women and mothers in my life. My own mother, both of my grandmothers, aunt's, friends, etc. It is a day to celebrate them as well, for they deserve this day as well.

I have decided that Mother's Day is a like Valentine's Day. It is a good day if you have a significant other or a mother in your life. However, I want to take a minute and recognize the phases of life that Mother's Day may be difficult for; I am a person of balance... everyone needs to be recognized, not just those who are in "traditional" roles and "typical" phases of life.
* Those that are single and still waiting for Mr. Right.
* Those struggling with infertility.
* Those who have lost their mother.
* Those caring for a child with special needs.
* Those who are estranged from their "child."
* Those who are estranged from their mother as adults.
* Those caring for an aging parent.
* Those who have lost a child through a miscarriage, accidents, or for health causes.
I know that my list could go on and on. I know that all of us who have challenging circumstances in our lives and who are "waiting" for something... do have many, many things to be thankful... and on an everyday basis... however, there are moments where everywhere you look, it just reminds you of the struggles and grief. This time of my life has really heightened my awareness to the fact that the grass is not always greener on the other side... it has made me aware of all the extraordinary circumstances that many people endure, and talking to them on an everyday basis and from the outside... you would never know how heavy their heart can be.

T and I laid low today and had a productive day around the house. I finished painting the front hallway. T mowed the lawn. We played a little Wii and then we went to T's Sunday night football game. I had a wonderful conversation with my own mother; she was doing really well and we had many laughs. It always feels so good to hear her laugh and be relaxed. For the most part, our house is in order and our lives are slowly starting to feel back in order again, after a very, very long week. I received a special card from my dad that acknowledged this "day" and where we are at in our lives. It is definitely a keeper and memory for this time or our lives. I also kept close to my heart a special prayer for a friend in waiting as they traveled to San Antonio to visit with a potential birth mom in the adoption process; what an ironic day to have such a meeting.

Anyways, it is the start of a new week. Bootcamp started again. My goal for this camp is to lose another 5# and I will back down to the weight that I was when we got married. I have tried really hard not to be too specific with weight goals for fear of failure. My goal has always been to get fit... but now that I am so close to my weight I was when we got married, I have decided that I am going to embrace this goal and hope that I can achieve this step.

I need to start getting ready for work. This week is going to be busy as we have a survey at work on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Take care to you all regardless of what phase of your life you are in. :) Remember, if you need someone, I am here for you just like you have been there for me.

Worldly Travels of My Parents

It was last July or August that my parents made an "announcement," to us "kids." It was to stay on the down & low for a while, but they were going to be making arrangements to take a sabbatical from work to travel. This was not a "surprise" announcement to us as we have heard my parents talk and dream of doing this together for many years now. This is a goal of theirs to do prior to retirement. It truly is the "perfect" trip and thing for my parents to do together... it is so "them."

At the time they revealed their plans to us, I was glad that I was on the phone. I was excited and happy that their plans were moving a long for travels during the Spring 2010. However, I also had some feelings of selfishness and sadness. At this time, we were in the middle of IVF round #2, without any news or know what our future was going to be like. Then as plans continued to be talked about, it was slowly becoming a reality that they may not be here for the adoption of our child. As mentioned previously, I just kept putting it to the back of my mind and told myself that we would cross that bridge when we got there.

I was so conflicted. I was so excited (sweetness) that my parents were in a place that they could work towards their dream, but also sad (bitterness) that another aspect to our daydreams of starting of family may not be possible either.

Here is the latest exchange of e-mails between my parents and us:

From Dad:
Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you plan – but, life is still good. I received word today that:
"We always seek a mixture of ship-board experience and “new blood” among the leadership. The consensus here is that we are deficit in the experience quotient and that therefore we should appoint a person for Dean of Students who has previous experience on the ship. Unfortunately, that leaves you aside for the Spring 2010 Trip." But, life is good and we will make some other plans – like maybe a couple of cruises on our own next year. Love you all, Dad

From Mom to her confidants at work:
Over the past few months, I have had opportunity to share a conversation with you regarding a life long dream/goal our is to serve as staff members on a world trip. It "almost" became a reality for the Spring of 2010; but, yesterday, we received an update. Because of final staffing needs for the Spring 2010 trip, they have asked him to consider another year. We are disappointed in this request because verbal conversations had indicated that it was a ‘done deal’ on the front end. So we proceeded accordingly to make requests and accommodations at our places of work. After discussion last night, we have decided to postpone any consideration for another voyage until we have more flexibility at both institutions and a plan is in place for what we want to do with 'the remainder of our professional careers.' "Now" was not "our moment"; so the dream/goal goes back on the shelf for future consideration. Thank you for listening. You are a valued friend and colleague.

My response:
Yes... thank you for sharing. I received Dad's note last night as well and was trying to figure out an e-mail response that I could send in return. I know how disappointing this must be because I know that you two had talked about doing this before it even became a possible reality over this past year. We are very disappointed for you both as well. Tracy and I look forward to the day that you will be able to make this dream come true; we both believe that you "deserve" it, and are more than qualified to participate in such a wonderful opportunity. From personal experience ;)... sometimes waiting for something special and that truly is a once in a lifetime opportunity, really does make the end "prize" that much sweeter. Sometimes it just is not a matter of "if," but rather "when." We look forward to the day WHEN you are able to sail around the world. We love you both! -- K &T

I wanted to include this on my blog for memory and documentation purposes about some of the "everyday things" that were going on in our lives. The tug of war of emotions that accompanies this process. I truly want to savor and remember this time... all aspects... both the bitter and the sweet. This is a perfect example of both. I can take snippets of phrases from both their e-mails and apply them to our life and what we are going through as well.

At this time, "Sometimes things don't go as planned, but life is still good. Sometimes your dreams are put on hold... it isn't a matter of if they will happen, but just a matter of WHEN." I love my family and dream of the day that T & I have our own. We are so thankful that we have such good positive examples and support to keep us going.

Blahs... But I still feel good? I guess more examples of the bitter-sweet life...

I know I need to update and post. I am just really too tired to do so; for some reason I have been procrasting and dreading to post. But right now, I feel that it is a good tired. I still have some random thoughts and impatience going through my head... but mainly things are good right now; status qua with everyday life.

Blah's
* Birth control question -- what should we do? I feel like it just another kick in the stomach to deal with. But... they were never ever to rule out a genetic factor. They couldn't confirm any genetic problems, but they could rule it out either. That if you are dealing with "poor quality" eggs or sperm, it "could" be an issue. Do we want to risk it? Secondly, I probably need to go back on my Lipitor. Lipitor is contraindicated in women who "could" get pregnant. Next, since you are always internally keeping track of the monthly clock in your head, the "what if" question lurks in the back of my mind around mid-month, even though I know it isn't a reality for us. Finally, what if my "dream" becomes a reality and then I miscarry again... could I handle that again? For the most part, I cope fairly well... probably just block these things out and try not to process too much. I keep thinking I will deal with it later... but here we are 6-months later and some decisions need to be made. Well, I have made one decision today... I am starting my Lipitor again... after 4-months of watching what I eat, exercising 5:7 days on average, losing weight... there was absolutely NO CHANGE in my cholesterol levels! Ugh! Oh, well... at least know I can confidently say it is my genes and know that it is going to take more to manage. It is a very low dose and my new doctor who is helping me with my thyroid monitoring was reassuring about starting the Lipitor and not to feel rushed with the birth control issue. One bridge crossed... I feel good about that for now. It only took about 6-months to cross the bridge.

* Blah -- just waiting and not knowing and not hearing anything... I am getting used to this and for the most part I have decided that I am comfortable here. I guess that's good, too.

* Blah -- trying not to contemplate that we have 4-friends delivering their new babies right now. Trying not to pay much attention to the fact that most of our friends are on baby 2-3 and that the new topic of conversation is the "snip-snip" procedures because many of who we know are now "done." We are still waiting to start...

* Blah -- I am tired of everyone treating me like I am "young" ... especially those who are our age! I know that one day I am going to like the fact that we look "young" for our age... but at the same time, I am tired of people saying, "When you have kids... you don't want to rush... etc." I feel that I have had a lot of that recently from a lot of friends who are OUR age!

* Blah -- T's family. I am still totally out of my comfort zone having FIL close by. I don't feel that I am making any progress in accepting this reality. Furthermore, the "saga" with his mom and brother continues to be dragged out and causes disturbance in our hearts.

* Happy -- my uncle is doing *REALLY* well and is now how. They are hoping that all he needs now is his daily chemo pill. He says he feels good and that he is pain-free. My cousin also seems to be doing very well, too. I can't wait to see them all in May! Yeah!

Well... I guess that is why I didn't want to do this blog because I knew that it would seem *very* depressing and really, I don't feel all that depressed. The power of the mind and the glass IS half-full. :) Each day this past week and weekend have been good. Amazingly, I do smile and laugh frequently throughout the day... everyday life I guess as it should. We remain with some very valuable friendships. I LOVE spending time with all my friends and T. I just feel really in sync with him right now. Work is going well with the both of us. I was able to go shopping and got some new clothes because all my other clothes were "too big." I have become a believer in the healing powers of physical exercise... I never thought that I would feel as good as I do... I guess despite all the "blah" thoughts that come and go from my mind... I am content and happy. That is what I focus on and what keeps me going.

For those of you following my blog... your friendship is also what keeps us going as well. Thanks for being there and allowing us to be us. We love you all! :)

Baby Steps

OK -- we took a big step. Friday night, after Bootcamp graduation dinner, we went to Babies-R-Us and purchased baby furniture. I am really excited about our purchase. It is a chest of drawers, dresser (changing table), and crib that is a "grow-with-you," bed. It feels weird to have made such a "major" purchase because it could be another year before it is used. It should be here in a couple of weeks. T has been working on the attic this weekend so that we can get some stuff from the "other" bedroom up there.

Once again, it felt weird being in Babies-R-Us because we were really the only ones that are not "expecting." We did have to search a little for a sales clerk, I am why aren't there employees ready for me in the baby furniture section at 8:30 on a Friday night? If they want my money, they should be ready for me... that was a little bit of my mentality at the time. Well, we finally found Sam. Sam was a very laid back and easy going employee, probably about mid-to-late twenties. Through just chit-chatting with him, his efficiency with placing our order, and thoroughly answering all of our questions about the purchase... We walked out of the store ~30 minutes later very excited about everything. I think I was more surprised that I was walking out of Babies-R-Us as a "very satisfied" customer more than anything else. Through Sam's genuine satisfaction with his job, he had honestly acknowledged what an "exciting" time this is for us. Furthermore, he seemed excited for our future as well. Sam truly helped to make our "bitter-sweet" experience of "needing" vs. "wanting" to prepare for our baby a very sweet and memorable one. For that I am thankful.

I was ready to get our baby furniture and start putting together the "basics" of our nursery. Honestly, I was afraid of getting some things and then in a few months resenting that we had this "stuff," but still no baby. I was afraid of finding something, liking something... and then second guessing myself after it got here. Now, that we have purchased it... I told T that I am glad that we did. I am glad that we purchased some "larger" items with absolutely nothing pending for an adoption. Had we purchased some of these items with an adoption "pending" and then for it to fall through, the items would be "tainted." I am glad that we have some of these items independently and without any potential attachment at this point in time. Part of me is a little "bitter" that these steps in life have to be rationalized, but for now... my peace and excitement are there and it feels good. Every time I think about our Babies-R-Us furniture buying experience and Sam, a smile does come to my face.

Deep down inside, I am also hoping to develop and create a "moment" for T and I. Since we will not have a "moment" in which we intimately share and announce that we are pregnant with our family and friends... I am looking forward to telling my parents that I have something I want to show them. I am day-dreaming about Easter weekend when they are here, and I can just quietly show them our reality and hopes by symbolically opening the door to our "other" bedroom. I know it might be cheesy, and I hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment, but tradition, family memories, and sentiments are just something that I hold onto very closely. I have a plaque in our living room that says, "Home is where your story begins." As we continue to proceed with our everyday live, that quote basically sums it up... We are slowly trying to establish our home for the story of our family to begin.

Moving On...

This weekend was as good as could be expected for what we "needed" to get accomplished and for what I "wanted" to get accomplished.

Yesterday was kind of hectic and stressful just because I needed to run into work for a couple of hours that I hadn't anticipated on AND we were trying to make a visit out to FIL's new house and visit him for his birthday. We are always trying to anticipate how he will respond to things and what his demeanor and mood is going to be. It is a very stressful situation for us both and often Fil places T in the position to "choose" between him or me. T had a headache by the time we were on the road. I am sure that you will hear more about Fil in the upcoming blogs. Let me just say one of the reason's why Fil is so difficult to deal with is that he suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder. He cannot understand or rationalize the world outside of himself. When we found out that he had this personality disorder, I tried searching for information on how to deal with and communicate with people with this persona, and there was relatively little information on how to approach these people, communicate, or help them cope/deal with their disorder. It is often coupled with another psychiatric disorder, in Fil's case, it is obsessive compulsive tendencies. It was a very long day and I was spent and done with by the time we got home. I slept the last 30-40 minutes of the car ride home and we were both in bed shortly after 9:00 and asleep by 10:00. Even though it was a long a stressful day, we had some good conversation on how "we" together are going to deal with this new constant and needy figure in our life. T made me feel really good all through the day, he never shut down on me and was constantly supportive... even when he knew I had reached my limit and had been entirely pushed out of my comfort zone with Fil's conversation. That in itself was a huge improvement from how we had struggled to deal with this situation before.

Fil's health really isn't good. He has already fallen in his new house and has been advised he just needs to "stay down" for a good couple of weeks. If only that could fix everything. It really makes me thankful for my own parents health, both mentally and physically. My parents are basically the same age as Fil, but have always taken care of themselves. I am glad that we only have to focus on one aging parent right now and not having to address it from both sides.

Today, T decided that he wanted to clean out the garage and get everything organized. I was not going to get in the way. I knew that it was probably best for me not to be around the house much, because T does have a tendency to get grumpy whenever he does a "home improvement" project. One of the reasons why I fell in love with him was because he made me feel "normal." I thought that I was a perfectionist and was hard on myself... until I met him. :) I remember him saying real early on while we were dating, "Yeah, I know I anal... but that is just me." ... AND he said it smiling. It was such an epiphany for me! Someone can be anal and OK with it? It was a changing moment in my life... to say the least, the rest is history.

I was productive... touched base with my cousin (who is like a sister to me), blogged, laundry is in process, went for a run, etc. The one aspect to my day that I was kind of dreading but really wasn't too bad... I did have a baby shower to attend. Luckily, I knew many people there and could distract myself with conversation. I went out to lunch with a friend before the shower and then only stayed for ~1 hour of the shower and slipped out. Everyone was very nice and several did ask me how things were going with our adoption process. I really did appreciate that and did take advantage to talk about it. It did feel weired talking about our adoption process at someone else's baby shower... but hey, the other's asked; I also felt like they were sincere in asking, so I felt comfortable responding... I hope that's OK. I was also glad for the distraction of the conversation, because secretly (not so much now)... I was dreading this shower. My friend who is expecting... she doesn't even know this... but her due date is actually the due date we would've had if Round #2 would have succeeded.

Talk about coincidences of life. Once again, the bitter sweet irony of life is ever present. Anyways, I need to go get ready for bed. I am ready to start this week... especially when compared to last week. I am sure it will go by quickly... a lot to do at work and this coming weekend I am going to KC to spend with a good friend and endulge in a new found love of "spa day." T-5 days and counting... Good Night!

Tomorrow is Monday...

This weekend hasn't been too bad. I have enjoyed most of it, but my anxiety about tomorrow at work keeps knocking at my door. Every once and a while, tears just sneak up on me. However, on a scale of 1-10. I would definitely have to give this weekend an average of 7.5. Not too shabby. The scales were definitely tipped more in favor of good memories and some relaxation than not, thank goodness.

Friday night, we just lounged around the house as previously noted. Saturday, we slept in a little. I hopped on the elliptical and then got ready to go for our afternoon out. Before I reflect on the events of the day, I just really want to say that I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. It is just so commercial and sad that as a society we need a day to say "I love you?" Furthermore, I remember back to elementary school days of Valentine's Parties. I remember my mom making me give Valentine's to everyone, which I didn't understand why at the time. I also remember being keenly and sadly aware that some kids would get a lot more Valentine's than me, but I also remember being conscientious that I would get more than some of the other kids. Even as a child, I was always aware of the bitter-sweet things in life. Now, as an adult, I still don't like Valentine's for the very same reasons... my heart just goes out to those people who do not have others in their life "to be a Valentine" with. I believe that people remember and experience more heartbreak on Valentine's day than actually can enjoy and appreciate what the day is about. I know, a pretty depressing viewpoint, but I can't help the way I feel.

Anyways, all week long, everyone at work kept asking, "Ooh, do you have plans for Valentine's Day? Is your husband going to send you flowers? Etc, etc." I just politely said no, mainly because it really didn't matter to me. However, we did have plans. T took the initiative to get us tickets to the Smuckers Stars on Ice Program. To be honest, we he first mentioned it, I really was not excited at all. I was not excited about having a "cheesy date" to a "cheesy event," let alone sharing with other people that I was celebrating this "cheesy day." I kept telling myself it is the thought and the effort that counts. I finally confessed this too him on the way to the event. He smiled and chuckled. He said, "I know. That doesn't surprise me you feel that way. I kind of feel the same way, too." He said that he just wanted to do something out of the ordinary and this caught his eye, that it just so happened to be Valentine's Day. We had a wonderful lunch and then enjoyed a very fun event. It was fun to see all of the performances.

The programs really made me reflect on the awe and wonder of how "sport" and "art" can merge so well. As I have recently starting practicing yoga on a regular basis, there is a lot to yoga that reminds me of my own "sport" background, competitive springboard diving. I love the distinct lines the body can form as it is stretched. I love the feeling of strength in holding a "pose." I love the grace that can be seen in physical flexibility. Yoga has acutely reminded me at how amazing the body is. During the performance yesterday, I had a renewed, or maybe even new found, appreciation for the combination of art and sport. Everything about athlete's movements, stretches, poses, strength, and endurance was absolutely amazing, so artfully skilled and filled with beauty.

I really haven't done too much today. Got ready to go to church this morning, actually got to church a little late, but my feelings snuck up on me again and brought a few tears again, so we went across the street and had an Egg McMuffin instead. I loved just sitting there and spending time with T. Very refreshing and still very much needed, even if that is what we have done all weekend. After we returned home, I did go out for a run to try to rid myself of the stress. It helped somewhat. We have not pushed ourselves to do too much around the house, also very refreshing and nice. We have just enjoyed spending time just being here and with each other.

In closing, I guess I really did have the perfect Valentine's Day. Just being with my best friend and someone who loves me. I guess more importantly, I know that we would have had this exact same weekend regardless of what holiday it was. I guess that is the most important fact to me and what I will go to sleep tonight being thankful for. :)

Shooting Star

Tonight, for the first time in many years... I saw a shooting star. We were driving back into Dallas this evening from attending our Adoption Readiness Seminar. I saw this bring streak in the sky... I immediately saw it and wondered if it was a shooting star. I continued to stare it it in disbelief because, really? How can you see a shooting star in the haze and glare of the city lights. We were just south of downtown Dallas, only 30-minutes from home.

As the glow faded from the sky, and the reality that I just saw a shooting star sunk in... my heart instinctively called out it's deepest wish. "Star light. Star bright. I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight."

Do I dare entertain the thought that is was a sign? Do I dare take comfort in my dreams and wishes? Our social worker and lawyer just spent all day trying to help and teach us to accept the realities of adoption and the impact it will have in our lives until we are able to bring a child home.

I just spent another day becoming comfortable with the fact that life "is what it is." I just spent another day become more acutely aware at how unfair this process is. We cannot plan for a boy or girl. Since there is always a chance a birthmother may decide to parent, we probably should choose not to have a baby shower before we bring home our child, even if we have been "chosen." Furthermore, we will probably have to share the process of picking a name for the baby with the birthmom. We may not be able to be present for the birth of our child. We will probably not be able to be surrounded by our family and friends during the birth of our child. All of the planning, nesting, and traditions that are associated with having a baby probably will not be a part of our family story.

So much of the joy that a couple experiences with a pregnancy, we must cautiously approach and share with the birthmother as she is experiencing her own mixed emotions and grief. For many of these rituals have been bypassed in her life as well. We were even coached today to be "cautiously excited" about placement because there are too many unknown variables to this process that can lead to disappointment; that even once we have been "matched" and "chosen," the "official" and "legal" decision of the birthmother cannot be made until 48-hours after the baby's birth.

The one thing we kept hearing over and over and again and again was... you will "know" when a match is right. I couldn't help but to keep thinking of the birthmom we visited with a little over a week ago. It did feel so right and comfortable for us and I think it did for her as well. How can I convey this to our social worker that there truly was something there other than our emotions, high hopes, and excitement? I know that the birthmom is struggling with her decision, I understand it is hard. I just want her to know that we will respect and support her decision no matter what... even if she doesn't choose us. I want her to know that we are still here for her, I hope that she doesn't feel like she is alone in the process. Even if this is not our "match," I want to remember this as a positive experience to our story.

Is it all worth it. Absolutely! I just continue with the confidence and faith that knows we will have our own special moments and memories of waiting to bring our child home. Even though we are going to be missing a "life experience" that often defines a couple, I know that I am in the process of experiencing something so very special and unique myself. The longing and desire that a parent, who wants to adopt, has for a child cannot be explained unless it has been experienced firsthand. I don't know if I will ever be able to find the words to describe the humility and honor that comes with someone who can so unselfishly give another the greatest gift of all... a baby.

"Star light. Star bright. I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight." Goodnight to all... and I wish for peace fill the minds and hearts those who are struggling with very big issues and decisions in their everyday lives... especially to the birthmom who showed interest in us and renewed our family hopes for what is to come.

Everyday Life

OK , today started out rough, very rough. One of the challenging aspects of trying to start our family, is that life goes on. We continue with the stress of work in our lives... we continue with the stress of family politics in our lives... we continue with the stress of our daily budget... we continue with all of our daily commitments... we continue with the stress of keeping ourselves healthy. Life continues as "normal," but you have added another element that needs to be balanced, not to mention that it also affects all of the above areas. You are still trying to focus on work, while having to take phone calls from the social worker. You are still trying to focus on each other on the weekend during down-time, but another family member is (in-laws) competing for your time and oblivious to the the life that you have with each other.

Another example of the double edged sword of this process is presented when people are ask us if we are getting our nursery together. It's a "fun" and simple question that is asked. I understand people are asking because they want to share in our excitement and be supportive, which really is appreciated. However, as simple as the question might be, it is difficult for us to answer. We aren't really sure if we are ready to get the nursery around for a couple of reasons. First, the emotional question of, "do we really want an fully furnished nursery "ready-to-go" if there is a possibility for it to be "empty" for another 18+ months before we receive a placement of a child? Secondly, we face the practical question of, "do we really have any extra money our budget while we are paying monthly towards our agency's adoption fees?" On the other hand, we could possibly only have a couple of weeks notice... do we want to be scrambling around in those two weeks trying to get ready for everything? Neither of us really perform well under pressure. Ahh, the pros and cons to everything. :) It seems that everything to this process has both an exciting, sweet side and a realistic, bitter side at the exact same time.

It's also a scary thought of all the money we are having to spend when the economy is not in a good place. All we continue to hear is save, save, save. Because of where we are at in our "everyday life," we are spending. As a compromise, we went out to "window shop" today. We went to see if could find anything that we liked, that was gender neutral, and reasonably priced. We first went to a consignment store, then to Target, and then lastly to Babies R Us. Once again, this was a surreal experience because we were probably the only couple in the store not pregnant, and with really no deadline or due date to work towards. At the end of the day, we did find something we liked and wrote down the prices. Next on my agenda for this evening is to budget in yet another itemized category.

Words of advice often tell you to minimize and simplify... we have minimized a lot over the last several years... however, when will the simplifying part will come? I have no idea. We have sold a car. I stepped down from my Clinical Coordinator position and turned down a potential opportunity for an Assistant Director position. We have had to bypass travel opportunities. We really couldn't entertain the idea of relocating closer back our hometowns. Our current house is not fully furnished. I guess that how you wold describe the glass as 1/2 empty. One of the difficulties with infertility and adoption is that a majority of people don't see the sacrifices that a family must endure. Because it is life as usual, the challenges that you face during this time are often silent and hidden behind the scenes.

Would I refer to my everyday life as 1/2 empty? No, despite everything, I still truthfully consider our life to be at least 1/2 full, if not more. We have grown so much, both personally and as a couple. Every decision that we are making is very intentional and purposeful. We have been able to maintain some flexibility with our daily job schedules to pursue infertility and adoption without having to take too much personally time off. We probably have stayed closer in touch with our families because our "vacation" time is spent with them. We have grown closer to many friends; we have gained new friendships. Our communication skills have become better with each other. We are much better at budgeting our finances. We have remained true to ourselves and what is important in our lives. We have continued to find laughter and focus on that in our lives. That is the bottom line and the most important to us... laughter has never felt better and I will always remember how wonderful it felt, especially during this "thirty-something" phase of our lives.