Sharing...

OK... first let me try to explain what an "open" adoption is. Open adoption just really refers to all the information that is exchanged prior to the adoption and placement. Health histories, etc. In our case -- we exchanged web based e-mail address and cell phone numbers. I exchanged quite of few e-mails and texts with the birthmom before the baby's arrival. With open adoption, there is also the possibility of face-to-face interaction if desired by all people involved. In our case, we were lucky enough that the birthmom volunteered and invited us to come to a couple of her sonograms. It was a very bitter-sweet experience, but I am glad that we had that opportunity. Our sonogram visits are another story, for another blog, another day.

After the placement and after the birthmom relinquishes her rights... there is no "legal" biding obligation to continue communication. Ongoing contact is based more on a good faith agreement and need. Ongoing contact and communication can be direct between families... or it can also be facilitated through the adoption agency. As of now, ours is direct... but will probably shift to facilitated through the agency at some point in time. This is just what worked for us based on everyone involved. I am not sure if we would have this much "direct" contact had we been placed with one of the other birthmom's we had visited with during the previous 18-months.

As much as I am proud of the relationship we have established with our birthmom... at sometimes it makes me nervous because you do not know what the future holds, or how some people might change. Sometimes, T and I have had conversations discussing that it feels like we adopted the birthmom and birthfather, with our baby. These are just our emotions... not how it is. Our agency did a wonderful job of trying to coach and teach the birthmom's that an adoption plan DOES NOT mean co-parenting by any stretch of the imagination.

Sadly, many birthmom's in many programs dream of the fairy tail and happily ever after. They are always hopeful someone will come along and "save them" and "help them." They are often so desperately wanting someone to support them (mentally, physically, and emotionally)... want someone to believe in them... Luckily, our birthmom has a pretty positive outlook on life and is very goal oriented. However, since the placement of our baby... it has been hard for me to determine or decide how to relay information.... I was afraid of triggering a since of loss in her or making her sad with reports of how happy we are. What do you do? What do you say? I have had a couple of conversations with our social workers about how to handle these situations... but it is still hard.

Statistically speaking, the need for information and communication is higher for the birthmom's during the first year or two. After that, they have moved on with their lives and also have the reassurance that everything is very well taken care of, so that they can move on with their lives. As I have struggled with some of the contact I have had with our birthmother, since placement, I keep having to tell myself that we are only 3-months into this process... it will get easier with time. I also keep trying to remind myself that she is still just a teenager... senior in high school.

So, now with all of that background information... I want to share a letter with you that I wrote to our birthmom today. I woke this morning to a text with the birthmom saying that a family member had gotten angry with her about the adoption and she was feeling badly. I texted her back and asked what she needed to know from us to reassure her. She texted that she wanted to know how happy with were and how much we loved our baby. (After e-mailing our social worker about this exchange of texts and information)... this is the letter I wrote.
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Dear --
There is SO much I want to tell you... but I can never find my words to express myself because it is so hard to explain all these emotions I am feeling. Over the past few months, I have hesitated in telling you how happy we are because I was SO afraid of making you sad. I also didn't want you to think that I just say whatever because you gave us her. I just have so much in my heart and mind, that when I go to say something... words just cannot come out.

This is the baby we could NOT have, but wanted so MUCH, and that is why they are SO SO special. They are the baby that we dreamed about for many, many years. We tried having children oursleves for at least 5-years (including infertility treatments) before we got on the adoption waiting list. Then we were ~1 1/2 yrs on the list to the day that we brought the baby home. This baby is our dream come true... they were loved and anticipated by so many before we even met you, the birthfather, and the baby. But then once we met you, Ian, and her... the love just truly multiplied. There is no words to express or describe these feelings or the connection that we have between us all. So many of our friends and family have also been waiting anxiously for the baby's arrival as well... they have been waiting with us to welcome such a special person into the world.

Everyone knows that this baby is so special because of who her parents are and where she came from... I cannot wait until she understands me when I tell her that they were loved so much before they were born, before they were conceived... that I loved them in my dreams, and I loved them before they were even a twinkle in my eye. I cannot wait to tell them how much her birthparents loved her as well. This little baby, is loved by all. Everyone is mesmorized and loves them instantly. They always mention how wonderful they are... and I know without a doubt that is because their beauty comes from the inside that you gave from your own spirit when they were conceived.

I cannot wait for their little personality to develop. Right now, they are so mellow and very easy going.... I cannot wait until we can "do" creative things with them... have them telling us stories, color, do art, run, etc. We will give them every opportunity they deserve. I want to make you proud of us and of her. I hope that we are making you happy with the life we have... I think of you daily. I get teary daily when I look at her in my arms and experience my dream come true. It still feels so surreal sometimes...

Our (yours and mine) experiences our hard. No one can really understand the heartache that we endured along our journey to meet the baby and to finally have them in our life. No one can really understand your journey or decision to place this baby for adoption for adoption... it is a beautiful thing in how our paths crossed and our lives became interconnected. It's hard because other people (even family and very close friends) think they can relate to us, and your friends and family to you... but they can't, and never will be able to. You just have to draw on your own inner strength and peace and keep moving along.

I guess something else good is coming out of our adoption experience with you. I have a friend who just found out her sister-in-law and stepbrother are going to start an adoption process. They are really intimidated by the process and everything involved, so my friend asked me to meet with them and talk to them about our own experience and reassure them. I cannot wait to tell them about you and our story. Because of you... we are going to be able to set a legacy and make other happy stories for more babies, more parents, and more birthmom's.

Now that I am thoroughly crying at work. :) I hope this letter makes you SMILE and can fill your heart with the peace and happiness that you deserve. Never doubt how much you are loved or all that you can do! Peace and love to you.
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In conclusion... I received an e-mail back from her thanking me and now she feels great! That is exactly what she needed to hear. As with all my e-mails we have exchanged, I have printed this one off and am keeping everything to share with our baby about their adoption story and history. It is hard to "share" this family dream with a "third-party," ... but at the end of the day, it feels good because I know that we are doing the "right" thing.

Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Sweet Dreams.

Hello Old Friends!

Well... here we go again! I seriously have not checked anything on my blog since my last entry in October 12, 2009. I was deeply touched by the anonymous note that was left last time. Thank you. Life has been pretty busy for us over the past 9-months. Ironic that is the magic number of months that brought me back to my Everyday Life Blog.

What was the turning even in our lives that took me away from journaling and blogging was that T was "commuting" to and from Springfield, Missouri for work. It started out as a 6-8 week project, then it turned into "until the end of the year," then it turned into until the project is finished until July or August of 2010. With him gone during the week (M-F) and then trying to get caught up on everything on Sat and Sun... things were hectic to say the least. Hopefully in my next few entries, I am going to be posting some of my main memories during this time.

Then, after the 1st of the year, life became even more hectic and choatic because we were matched with a birthmom. Yes, we were officially matched and started going through the ups and downs of preparing for "hopefully" a baby. "Our" due date was May 7th. Dealing and preparing for the pending adoption and having T "away" during the week kept me busy. As I read over my last post about feeling disconnected from everyone... I realized that ins some weird way, I instantly became connected again to "our" world in trying to maintain our everyday life in our physical home and social structure.

The time that I had previously spent journaling... was now directed towards staying busy while T was gone and trying so hard to stay connected to those close friends around us. I had many a late night on-line chat conversation with many friends... my cousin who is like a sister to me, another friend who is going through infertility, an old friend from high school who I reconnected with, and another who struggled some with infertility herself... not to mention my mom and a dear aunt who could talk all night!

I am kind of back to the point where I need an outlet again. As I have mentioned before, I tend to be a very private person, despite how outgoing my personality might be. It is always easier for me to answer questions... but often it is hard for me to say HOW things REALLY are... I tend to sugarcoat and try to convince others that things are fine and optimistic.

I know many of you are dying to know the scoop on parenthood... especially now that it has become a reality to us. It is wonderful and absolutely indescribable. I absolutely cannot wait to share more of my thoughts and options on what is going on around us. I know that our perspective is quite a bit different because of the road we have traveled... and that makes me feel good and feel confident in the years a head of us as parents. Even 12-weeks later, it still feels surreal; but it also feels second-nature, very natural, and a very comfortable place to be... it is still hard for me to fathom the concept of the "gift" we were given and the "forever" aspect of things.

Thank you to my few loyal followers -- I hope that you will continue to read and find me again in the future. I am sorry to the couple of friends that I gave my blog address, too and then never posted again! Thanks for your interest and support in our life! Please post whatever you would like to know about our "everyday life" and/or experiences with infertility and adoption... it will give me something to go on.

I will try to post more later this weekend. (PS -- sorry that this isn't one of my stronger entries with writing style, continuity, or ease of reading. My brain is so scattered these days... it is hard to stay focused... but it is all good). Good Night and Sleep Tight!

De ja vu...

De ja vu… I think I have another post that has this same title. So then it really is De ja vu in every sense. I just received an e-mail from our social worker. Our profile is being show (along with several others) to a birth mother this afternoon. Once again, I had just returned to a place in my life where it wasn’t consuming my thoughts. Once again, I had just returned to a place where I wasn’t feeling insecure with “why doesn’t someone choose us?” Well, I am back on that roller coaster. After I read the e-mail, I sat staring at my computer for a few minutes… I am to the point that I really don’t know how to respond or react. The excitement and emotion is gone for now. Once again, I my heart dropped into my stomach and all that is there is a heavy feeling. I want to believe that maybe we have a chance. That maybe this could be it…. But my mind is saying, “probably not.” It’s a weird feeling to be hoping for a “maybe” these days. Previously, I was to a point that I would allow myself to be excited about maybe having a reason to be excited…. if that makes any sense?

The aspects to my de ja vu feelings today include:
** Starting my patient care notes after my rounding in the NICU. For some reason, I find it so ironic that my niche here in the hospital remains the NICU during this time of my life. ** I am in the middle of a patient care note and I cannot continue because my mind is swamped with thoughts and emotions about the e-mail I just received from our social worker. ** The feeling that is now in the pit of my stomach and probably won’t go away for a while. ** The time of day. I still have a least two hours of work to complete before I can leave. I just want to leave now. ** The overwhelming feeling of… what can I do? Then followed by the realization of nothing. ** All I have is information that I can do nothing with. ** Now my head is pounding because of all that was triggered by the reality of de ja vu. **

We have been through this process before and nothing lessons. The intensity remains and the roller coaster ride of our “everyday life” continues.

*Sigh*

Well... I had really intended that my next blog be more upbeat and positive... kind of how I like to see my personality most of the time. Things are fine... status qua. I had a good evening last night with a friend who is going to help us "remodel" our portfolio for the prospective birth mothers. It felt really good to be productive. I posted on FB tonight that I should have worked-out... I think that is probably to blame for part of my blah mood... not to mention that mother nature is knocking at the door for her monthly visit. Oh, well... the cycle of life for now... no pun intended.

I am just filled with... or rather I am slowly becoming overwhelmed by my feelings of "not being good enough." It's tough... not only are we not feeling "good enough" on the adoption front... but I am also seen as a "not good enough" daughter-in-law. (I really just want to scream and pull my hair out!) It's is completely draining in itself despite everything else going on. I am not quite "good enough" to get this last 5-10# off... my weight continues to plateau. I am also feeling like I am not a "good enough" friend to some. People are just moving on... especially since we are in a different places in life... people change and move on. People tend to gravitate towards those they have things in common with... but then why do I feel like such a misfit right now? I am sure that people see us as changing and moving on as well... but I am just afraid they are avoiding me because they can just see how tired and sad I am on my face. I just want to feel included and apart of everything again. I am tired of trying to reach out and stay connected... I am just tired of constantly putting myself out there with the adoption, family, friends, and work... I am tired of working so hard at trying to maintain normalcy to our everyday life. It is just so much.

I like to tell myself that these feelings are normal under the circumstances... I just wish they felt normal. This is just what happens right now when I slow down... all my thoughts and feelings creep up on me and hit me like a train. T has been at a Ranger's game tonight and I have spent most of it by myself. It has been good... I truly was enjoying it up until I started getting ready for bed. Tonight, I had a good conversation with my cousin, cuddled with the dog, played some word games, wrote a couple of e-mails. I think that I am also feeling anxious about all my alone and downtime coming up this weekend. I have scheduled myself a massage and I am hoping to do some shopping.

Thank you all for your e-mails this past week... I loved each and everyone of them! I know that seems like an oxymoron in contrast to this blog... but I guess that just exemplifies the see-saw of thoughts and emotions we are experiencing right now. I really do enjoy our exchanges and staying connected through this cyber-world... I just wish there was more time in the day to visit, see, and talk with each other face-to-face. Thanks for reading again... sorry it is such a Debbie Downer again. Love you all!

180 Change... "blah!"

OK – I finished typing this blog up… and it is a complete 180 from my last post… I am almost feeling a little guilty about being negative. It's just not in my nature to be too negative... I feel that I am realistic but do describe myself as a "glass 1/2 full kind of a girl;" and can't stay down too long. In advance, I am sorry for the Debbie Downer nature of this blog. I really try to avoid too much negativity because I don’t want to isolate people from our lives. I don’t want to scare people into NOT talking to us. I know that many often struggle with what to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Throughout this whole time, I have intentionally tried to always “thank” people for asking, because I (we) do so appreciate it. It is so much easier to talk when asked vs. “easing” it into conversation. There is just no “easing” this topic into conversation. :)

Once again… there is really no news to report. There is still no word from the birthmother in July. She truly just disappeared. Our profile was being shown to a couple of other birthmothers, but no nibbles at this point in time… I think they have chosen other families. I have an e-mail out to our social worker.

I am truly to the point where I DON’T WANT to think about this process any more; I am beyond the point where I am pleased about keeping myself busy and it just happens that I am not thinking about it.

In the big picture, we are fine and comfortable with where we are at… enjoying the things that we are doing. But, on a day-to-day basis it is grueling and we are tired. Work is really wearing us down right now… especially for T. The mundane of everyday life is just “blah.” I am tired of having to patiently listen to conversations about parents complaining about their kids and they just want to give them away. I am tired of listening to conversations about the decision to have a “snip-snip” procedure and how expensive that is. You think that procedure is expensive! Try 3-yrs of infertility treatments, followed by monthly adoption fee payments! I am tired of having a ½ furnished house because our money is going elsewhere. I was a little disappointed that we weren’t able to take a “far away” trip for our 10th anniversary. I am tired of people assuming we are “newly” married because we have no kids, or rather that raised eyebrow of an expression when I say we have been married 10-yrs and do not have any kids. I am tired of being told we will make great parents… because at this point… I already know that we are great parents. I am tired of being told (by people with kids) to “be patient.” Really? I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water. I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am a little bored with my job… which I think is completely psychological because I know that I cannot change or go anywhere because of where we are at in life. More so, I am tired of having that little nagging voice in the back of my head… “Why aren’t we good enough?” “Do we seem that boring on paper, too?”

All of these “little” things just continue to pile on you… one comment you can brush off, two comments you can brush off, maybe three… but it becomes hard to handle all of this while knowing in the back of your head and in your heart you know that you were not “good enough” and “not chosen” yet again.

I know that a lot of this is probably inferred by me, and that I am overly sensitive to things. I guess this blog is a little more reflective of the mental and emotional beast of this process and the challenge it is to stay positive. I know that some people would tell me to ignore what other people think. Or rather yet “who really cares?” what other people say or think… and yes, I agree with that and that is true. But, I care so much about this process! It is hard to selectively determine what to care about and what not to care about. To me, it is one thing to be dealing with these things and you have chosen not to have kids vs. wanting them and NOT being able to have them. That is that catch 22 to this process. Since we want them, we know people are innocent enough with everything… but since it just hits us so differently because of the bitter-sweet journey we are on.

Once again, in conclusion… to those friends, who are reading this blog out of support for us, please don’t be afraid to ask or talk about “anything.” We love visiting with you about your families and activities, we love being included with you and your families and it is your support that is helping get us through this time. This is just sometimes the bitter reality of the horrible directions your mind can race to; as we are trying to wait “patiently” for the day we get our baby!

Thanks again for everything! Comments and questions are always welcomed.

Reflection

As I was returning home today (again)... I was just relaxing and drifting off to sleep as the plane took off from KC. I was a little melancholy as I have no immediate plans to return "home" to my hometown in the near future. In my half-awake state, I was reflection on the weekend. Despite being annoyed with some cousins intermittently throughout the weekend, it was a good weekend. I kept thinking... 10-years... so much has happened... but it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I couldn't help but think about what the next 10-yrs of marriage will bring us. Thinking about our anniversary, my grandparents anniversary, mom & dad's birthdays, and all the other birthdays and events that we have this time of year... a lonely memory of my heart came to mind.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out that round #2 from the infertility didn't work. It was a year ago two evenings ago, that Tracy and I were sitting in Carraba's (me teary eyed) trying to enjoy the "happiness" of the day (our anniversary), but knowing that odds were against us in conceiving... knowing that we would find out the outcome of treatment on my dad's birthday. We knew deep down inside what the answer was and were ready... I just wish that the "due date" wasn't on our anniversary and dad's birthday. We waited a week to tell our friends and family the outcome to give us time and space from the "happy" events of that time... with our own personal heartache.

Looking back... it feels like a dream... very surreal... I cannot believe that was just a year ago. In contrast, last year feels like a lifetime ago. As when we got married, August 7/8th represents a turning point in our lives... a year ago, I picked myself up from rock bottom to move on and haven't looked back since. It has been such a strong feeling... such a good feeling to feel back in control of my life again. Despite the "waiting" and unknown future... I feel whole again... I feel connected again... there is a part of my heart that will always grieve and be tender, but my heart feels content. For once, it is hard getting my mind to follow my heart instead of vice versa.

In conclusion... I am happy with where we are at in life. I am one lucky girl to have the husband I have, the family I have, and the friends that surround us. We just have so much... I just want to give the same to a opportunities, gifts, and love to a baby. I am glad to have last year behind us and hope that this year can be bookended by a new chapter in our life in the upcoming year... As one of my first posts ended in January... I wish I may, I wish I might...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Two Steps Forward... Three Steps Back...

Well, all communication with the birthmom has stopped. She started experiencing some complications last week (dehydration that triggered some mild preeclampsia)… I guess that was her trigger for desperation to rear its ugly head and escape. She moved out of the birth center over the weekend without telling anyone. She is currently not returning any of the phone calls from the adoption agency. Ironically, the alleged birthfathers are in contact with the agency as they have briefly heard from her. She has told them that she is going to parent and sue them for child support. At this time, that plan holds no water because a) they have already relinquished their rights, b) they can fight the request by asking to prove paternity first, and finally c) how is she going to pay for this need upfront for the court to intervene? The agency says they are keeping all lines of communication open for if they do hear from her and “in case” she changes her mind again and realizes that she does need the help.

Throughout this situation, I am amazed at how you can will yourself to not think about some things and will yourself not to feel some emotions. In retrospect, I was in neutral through this process… or maybe I am in neutral now. I am relieved that we did not make the trip to San Antonio this weekend to meet her and then get there and have her gone. Wow! I cannot imagine the emotional impact that would have had on us. I am relieved that I knew how “undecided” she was. I had started toying with the idea of maybe looking up some baby names (as we did know the gender)… but something held me back. Deep down inside I knew I shouldn’t do it… but the temptation was there.

I am truly thankful that we had a full weekend of activities planned prior to all of this occurring. We had a fun-filled weekend with good friends, good food, and a fun date night to the Keith Urban concert. We had a relaxing day around the house on Sunday and now I am looking forward to going “home” this weekend to spend sometime with my mom.

For once I am relieved that the hecticness of our everyday life was in place a head of time so that we could continue moving forward with life without anything being placed on hold. I truly think that is our saving grace at this point in time. We just continue to move on with our activities and plans… on the other side, we are probably not processing or allowing the emotion of the situation to surface… we are probably just ignoring that for now. I am fine and comfortable with that. In the meantime… our profile continues to circulate… hopefully another bite will come sooner than later.

My mind is racing...

I am still processing the conversation we had with our birthmom on Tuesday.... my mind won't stop racing. I was exhausted yesterday and am feeling some energy return to me today. I had a good conversation with the adoption program director and our social worker today. I voiced some of the questions I posted to them last night and received some good advice in return (ie -- how paying off our balance would work or how should we plan for leave from work if she won't commit until after the baby is born).

The director instructed us to remain "cautiously excited" because the birthmom is still so undecided and not ready to even discuss an cooperative agreement with us. I could tell that she was greatly reassured when I told her that we truly have nothing for the baby... we do have a crib, but no mattress and the walls of the to-be nursery are still eggshell white. Even though I am a planner... I have started to look forward to the day that I can frantically go on a shopping spree and the necessities overnight if need be... I do regret that I will miss out on the experience of planning, registering, and nesting of a traditional pregnancy... but my desire to always have the glass half-full has already starting thinking about the fun of doing it this way, too... I can tell that I probably am more excited about our conversations with the birthmother than I should be, because of all the red flags that are present with the birthmom hesitating at committing to a cooperative agreement for placement.

After talking with the director, I had a long discussion with our social worker about our emotional needs and how we are going to deal with the reality if she does not place with us in the end. I told our social worker that was a risk I was willing to take and I feel that it is worth it... what do we have to lose? Yes, it will be sad... yes, it will be hard... yes, we will grieve... but I assured her we would not be angry (I hope); we have already been through so much that we are willing to take that risk. I feel like we have a good support system and resources in place to get us through this... However, the one thought that truly makes me cringe and anxious... is the thought that if this one does not work out... the amount of time that might pass before we get another nibble or bite with someone who is interested in us.

I really don't know how to organize or share all the thoughts in my head... I really hope they slow down and relax because there is too much time between now and whenever we get a baby placed with us...

I am looking forward to the weekend... it will go by quickly. We have dinner plans with some friends on Friday night, and another set on Saturday lunch. We are going to the Keith Urban concert on Sat... I am really excited about that. Hopefully the events of the weekend will help me return to my everyday life and distract me from the racing thoughts in my head.

For now, Good Night, Sleep Tight. :)

Still thinking....

We really don't know too much more... we do know that she remains interested in us... she continues to be very undecided... we did have another phone conversation with her in "private" (no social workers present) and that went very well. We hope that maybe she decides she is willing to meet us... maybe if she meets us she will feel more comfortable with starting an adoption plan.

As with conception, the odds remain against us... at the time of signing, national statics show that only 50% of mothers actually relinquish their rights. However, 50% is a lot better odds than we had while going through infertility. I am also finding comfort and appreciate that she is honest about that she is not sure what she wants to do...

Being a big fan and advocate of personal space myself... I truly identify and understand her need for space; but, at the same time... plans in the big picture need to be discussed and made. A birth plan is needed so everything is handled smoothly and sensitively in the hospital. Maternity leaves needs to be arranged. We need to make financial arrangements to handle the final legal and adoption fees/costs. We need to get a car seat at the very least...

My level of patience over the past few years has constantly amazed me and I continually surprise myself. But I also know... what will I gain from being impatient? Nothing. Why waste my energy being negative and inpatient. It is what it is... we continue to wait...

No News Yesterday...

Well, we didn't receive any news from the social worker... I am sure this means she didn't hear from the birthmother. I am really not "disappointed" or "upset" over this because the birthmother has been very honest about if she is wanting to file for an adoption plan. She has been very up front about she had not made a decision... to me, this "lack of follow-through" is consistent with being indecisive. In return, I can honestly say that I do understand being indecisive and unsure if I was her... In some ways, I appreciate the reluctance because I know that she is really taking this seriously. Maybe that is just me being hopeful and positive... meanwhile, our profile does continue to circulate... if it is not her this time, there will be another... it is the unknown time frame that really stresses me out the most. I will update more as I know more.

Quick Update...

I have been postponing this post because I just haven't wanted to think about things. We should know more from the our social worker tomorrow. The birthmom that we have been speaking to is to touch base with our social worker tomorrow, as to the next step in keeping the "adoption plan" moving forward. The birthmom we were speaking with wanted this weekend before committing to moving forward with anything. The next step would be meeting face-to-face.

After our phone call last week, we talked with our social worker and the program director. They were really good with us in discussing some of the "red flags" with this situation and not to get our hopes up too much. Some of the red flags included: 1) she is not ready to move forward with meeting us despite initiating and wanting to speak with us twice; 2) she actually forgot and fell asleep prior to the second phone call; 3) she cannot verbalize what her "expectations" or "needs" are for wanting an open adoption; and 4) she really didn't have specific questions for us in the second phone call.

For us, it is hard not to be hopeful (again) because she has a "simple" history and medical background, nothing complicated that we have to compromise on; plus, the presumed birthfather has already signed away and relinquished his rights. In our mind, the pros and cons are balanced at this point... even though our social worker and director caution us they feel there are more cons than pros. Per our social worker, many mom's who are thinking about an adoption plan are often looking for someone to "save" them and "help" them. She thinks that this birthmom is waiting for that "fairy tale" and dream to come true; she is just hoping that a friend or family member will come forward and say I will help you. It appears that the birthmom continues to hold out waiting for an answer even though she is in the third trimester.

It's kind of ironic that both the birthmom and us are looking for that "happily ever after" verse for our lives... It is a daily see-saw of hopes and dreams... we continue to wait patiently, pass our time and hope that it will be sooner than later.

Back to Reality...

Vacation was wonderful! Very, very much needed. I was kind of dreading today knowing that tomorrow is Monday and we return to where we were at before vacation. We both slept in this morning... very nice. We watched a couple of movies, I then returned to my typical routine on the elliptical. At first, all I could think... back to the grind... then towards the end I felt really good. We got around and then I ran out to do errands. Running around town getting back into my typical routine makes me realize how much this is home to us. It is hard for me to admit how being in Texas is home, but is home for now and that is all that matters. Furthermore, there is nothing like a summer temp of 108 degrees in Texas that puts you in the mood for *real* Mexican food... yum, yum... guess where we are going for dinner tonight? :)

I was dreading stepping on the scale this morning. I had just achieved my latest goal of dropping below the next 10# mark for me the Friday morning before vacation! What timing. I counted calories for the first half of vacation, not so much the second half. We were active during vacation on the lake... but we were also very lazy. I had no idea what to expect after a week of not counting calories, not weighing myself, and no exercise. I was pleasantly surprised that I was only back up to my weight at the end of last Bootcamp. Only 1.5 back up -- the weight I had stabilized at prior to dipping below the next 10# mark. Not too bad, but am motivated now to get back into my normal, healthy routine.

I am dreading returning to work tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. A co-worker who was helping cover for me said that everything went really well and the census is low. Good. Makes it a little easier to return. But I am sure that I will hit the ground running -- I am not too sure if I am ready for the rat race just yet.

Finally... and probably what I am most nervous about... is I need to call our social worker first thing in the morning to set up another phone conversation with a potential birth mom. I am completely excited... but incredibly nervous at the same time. I feel that my heart is guarded... I feel like I am gambling... I feel like I am trying to sell myself... I am afraid of failure because "we" are not "good enough." I know that isn't how this process is or what it is about... but sometimes that is sure what it feels like.

With the routine of returning to my everyday life... I am going to continue to keep myself busy and occupied -- that is the only way I can keep going right now and not put too much thought into the adoption process -- I so despretly want to believe that it will happen soon than later; I can hardly stand the thought that this could continue on for another year or so.

We have a lot of committments over the next 6-8 weeks, which I am looking forward to, but is also stressing me out at the same time. I want to start cross-stitching again. I am currently 1/2 way through a new brainless Nora Roberts book... and loving it (as usual)! What is it about a good cheesy romance novel that is so soothing as well? I still have plans to start a new blog for nutrition information. I am still working on a few household projects. Why can't there be more time during the day?

Anyways, enough of this blog entry for now. Just wanted to get something down to refocus my attention and help settle back into reality. I will keep you all posted... as always, thanks for your support and for reading!

Soothing of the Senses

It is days like today that I wish I could bottle and remember forever... I will always have the memories and pictures... but the sensory component of this lazy day is what I will miss the most. I am sitting the in the shade, outside, with a breeze blowing over my bare arms and legs. Off in the distance I can see the warm summer sun reflecting off a lake that is like glass. The air is so clean and fresh. My eyes are filled with color. My heart is filled with peace and happiness... for now. I just want this to last for so much longer. I dream of a day where this can always be life. I contemplate on how I can simplify our life more. Being here with family, just makes my heart long for a day with our children. I want to share this week so much and have it apart of OUR family story and life. Even though my heart is longing, I continue to enjoy the daydreams that fill my mind and heart. I just love the outdoors and country so very much.

I am glad for the distraction of this week. We heard back from the birthmother that we spoke with about 10-days ago. She is wanting to speak with us again. I am here with family which have been SO supportive, but I am afraid to say anything for jinxing this process. I am afraid that it will lead to questions that I don't have the answers for. If I say something and nothing more moves forward, I am not sure how to go back and say nothing happened. It is just so hard to describe how this process works. Maybe it is because I cannot wrap my mind around how this process works.

Today is my brother's and SIL anniversary. It is hard to believe that it was 4-years ago today that they got married. Happy Anniversary you two! :) I am thinking of you and enjoy your day as well.

Vacation!

At last... some much needed R&R, downtime, and time to clear my head. It feels so good to be away from the rat race a little while. I feel like some of the swirling thoughts in my head are slowing down and are starting to fit into place. For now I am content and that is good... whenever work and returning to everyday life crosses my mind, I do feel some anxiety in going back, but it is only fleeting and I will face those emotions on Sunday.

Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.

Some relief and moving on...

Update. I think that the easiest way to do this post is in bullet format. To many thoughts going through my mind. Sorry if it is a little random and disorganized, but that is essentially my life right now.

• How do I feel about the interview? I felt like I was in neutral right after the interview. She asked a lot of good questions... we talked for almost 45-minutes... I am just so unsure and insecure that we were able to be specific enough in our answers. I just felt like we babbled and rambled a lot. I have a tendency to do that in normal conversation anyways, let alone when I am nervous.
• I had a very good follow-up and conversation with our social worker today. I thanked her for all the information she had provided us and prepared us very well. She told us that the birthmom is interested in us and liked us... but is still processing everything and trying to figure out if an adoption plan is in her best interest and the best interest in her baby. I told our social worker, that is fine -- it is what it is; besides, what other choice do we have? I understand that this is not any easy process or decision for anyone involved. I truly mean that; I really want the birthmom to feel very comfortable with her decision, and on some level, I hope that she can be proud or excited (I am not sure if those are the right words) that she has chosen us. I want her to feel so comfortable with us and the family life that we can offer a baby.
  
• Our social worker said that the birthmother may be interested in speaking with us again in the future, although when in the future was not specified. I said that we had the same feelings. I discussed some of my questions about this process and the conversation we had with the birthmom as well. That we would love to have the opportunity to speak again and get to know each other a little more, be able to ask more specific questions, answer questions more specifically, and learn more about each other before any decisions are made. We are comfortable with that for that now and we are comfortable with it being on the birthmom's time. It feels good being able to say that for now.
  
• After the phone call, I was feeling very melancholy that developed into some anxiety. I just couldn't get some of the questions out of my mind. This process is just so hard. I had a really hard time unwinding before I went to bed. It was probably well after 11:30 before I was able to fall asleep.
• I was also frustrated because I didn't get my workout in like I had wanted. I am sure that would have helped me release some of my stress. I was just so drained initially after the conversation from nerves, that I could not motivate myself. I guess another lesson learned... I just need to make myself do it. However, I find myself doing so much like that these days.
• There is a lot going on at work these days. I have new dietetic intern with me right now that I am training. She will be with us for ~400 hours of supervised practice. I have to get ready for a presentation on Thursday; no presentation ready to go. I am also just trying to get everything organized to get ready for a week off.
• We are still dealing with some family politics/issues; but taking the passive path of least resistance seems to be working and hopefully some resolution will be found with just the passing of time.
• I am READY for vacation! I am so excited to get away from the rat race of everyday life. I am READY for some R&R. I love how the cabins that we go to every summer do not have any TVs in them. I love the fact that we have minimal cell phone access. I love the fact that do not miss wearing my watch at all or do not care what time it is. It is such a peaceful week filled with family, fun, food, laughs, love, and memories forever.

Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts our way. They are greatly appreciated. Please send some towards the potential birthmom... that she may find the peace and R&R she needs to feel confident, proud, and secure with her decision whatever it might be.

For those of you who are reading my blog regularly, please feel free to ask any questions about what is going on. I will be more than happy to answer and discuss in my blog. Thank you again for all the support. Good night.

Catch-Up

OK -- I am so, so sorry that it has been a while since my last post. Things have been a little chaotic to say the least. Things have been hectic at work with the start of a new intern that we will have for the next 9-weeks. It was the last week of Bootcamp, so I was trying to be really good with my cardio on off days to finish strongly and have really good numbers. We were hit pretty hard by the storms on Wednesday and Thursday (no power for a majority of those days and luckily, no major damage to our house but we had neighbors that did sustain significant damage). I was able to get a lot accomplished around the house chore wise on Saturday. And finally, I enjoyed some personal shopping time and a fun evening of softball with T.

His team took first place in the spring league. It was such a close game and so much fun to watch. Everyone was there cheering. It was tied 4-4 at the end, so it went into extra innings. T's team has so many good, good guys on. You can always just feel their friendship and camaraderie while playing. They are such a good example because they do truly play for fun and just happened to win the league. It was such a fun night with friends. It really will be a fun and special night to remember. It was the perfect summer night, too. Warm but with a nice breeze blowing. We all could have probably stayed out all night just enjoying the peaceful weather.

Bootcamp finished very well. I still have a few more pounds I want to lose; but I continued to loose inches and % body fat; I was pleased with my results and cannot wait to start again. Once again, my bootcamp buddies are just such a fun group of people... it is truly the people that make all the difference. It feels good to have found a "niche" with others and have something in common outside of my "typical" everyday life.

Finally, and most importantly... the other distraction that we have had in our life... or rather should I say I have been trying to find other things to distract myself from... is that we have a birthmom who is interested in our profile and wants to visit with us. This is truly baby step #1 ALL OVER AGAIN... nothing to get excited about, just part of this circular process. We were supposed to have a phone interview with her on Friday night, but it got postponed until tonight (Monday). According to our social worker, she is interested in making an adoption plan, but probably still hasn't decided and confirmed that his her intentions. Like us, she is still learning how this process works and trying to weigh all options and decided what is in her and the child's best interest. I kept myself busy most of the weekend... which worked (and probably deep down inside what I wanted), because I seldom found myself thinking about this potential. I am almost positive that I really didn't want to think about or deal with the thought of an interview until it happened. Now, I am feeling very nervous, anxious, and unprepared. I think T is prepared, but I am not. It is such a surreal feeling to be on-the-fence. This could be just another mother expressing interest or it could be "the one." Once again, the extremes are just so mind boggling -- so right now my coping mechanism is opting for the path of least resistance and not thinking or processing things. On another level, that is probably why I felt the need to indulge in retail therapy this weekend... was I was trying to distract myself.

Another bitter-sweet moment of life... I was talking to a new grandmother last week who made the comment to me, "you know, that is one of the most special times in a mother's life... when she can be there for the birth of a grandchild." As always, I just smiled and said "Absolutely, I know." ... and I wish and dream ...

Anyways... enough of that for now. I really need to get some work done this afternoon before I head home for the interview. I am counting down the days until our wonderful stress-free and escape into vacation.

Reflection...

To me, one of the toughest challenges to this process is reassuring others that you are "OK." It is kind of an oxymoron that a lot of our time is spent reassuring others that we are OK, instead of vice-versa. When you are happy, they think that you are faking it... when you are sad, they infer that you are emotionally unbalanced. People say it is "OK" to grieve and struggle (which is true); but yet, when they find out that you are grieve and struggling... they don't know how to respond. One of two things happen. First, they ignore that they are aware of the sadness surrounding the situation, hence making you pretend things are better than they actually are. Or two, they talk with you and try to talk you out of your feelings. "There really is no reason for you to be feeling that way." I know their intentions are good, I know they want to help... Ironically, it is those who care about you the most, who get the most frustrated, because they want to help, they want to fix... but they can't. All I am searching for is balance in my life. A temporary halt from the roller coaster of emotions, and hiatus from the see-saw of how people react and relate to you.

However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?

Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.

Are we coasting?

Wednesday was a pretty good and productive days for me. I felt like I was slowly but surly getting back into the comfortable swing of my everyday routine. Wednesday was tough morning at bootcamp. My thighs are screaming at me today... I guess that is good. I continue to try to challenge myself with bootcamp and my at home routines so I can these next few pounds and return to the weight I was when we got married. It feels good to be making progress or accomplishing something in my life right now.

I have had a couple of "ah-ha" moments today. I was visiting with a professional friend/acquaintance of T's and mine. He was just supportive and reassuring today when he asked how it was going. He was so reaffirming at how "normal" and "well-adjusted" Tracy and I are through this process. "Trust me, K... I see a variety of people daily through my office who do not have the outlook, ability to cope, or perspective on life that you and T have." That was good to hear that compliment from an outside source... especially someone who typically either sees T or me, we are occasionally together when visiting our friend.

With his statement, I was reminded of a personal promise that I made myself ~5+ years ago when we first started trying to start our family. I was not going to let this process consume me. I was not going to let it consume our relationship. I was not going to let it define my identity. Infertility and family can so often become all consuming... it is a very slow process, but one day you wake up and your identity and purpose in life is gone. Yes, we do experience our grief and frustration daily... but so do many other people in many other and much more difficult circumstances than our own. Getting through this time, I just need to refocus and draw strength again from the promise I made myself and T so long ago.

On that note, the other "ah-ha" moment just came right before this post. We heard back from our social worker... and we are officially "not it" again. Not surprising or unexpected. However, as I was sitting here reading the e-mail... all I could think is how *much* *much* harder this waiting and anticipation of the adoption process is than the infertility treatments were for me. Coming into the adoption process, I was anticipating much of the same roller coaster of emotions, anticipation, and waiting. I was not expecting an much bigger and longer roller coaster of emotions... Well, here we are on this ride of a lifetime.

PS -- I do have a couple more blog posts and themes that I want to explore. I have started composing one that reflects on the meaning of home; and the other idea that is circulating in my head discusses the many faces and roles that I play in my everyday life. FWIW. I am just trying to find the right words to adequately express these future posts. As always, thank you for reading and for all of your support. I know that I have said it many times before, but it is truly the support of family and friends that we have found the strength to not let this time of our lives consume us.

Chocolate Promises

I have never been much of a chocolate fan... let alone, I have never had much of a sweet tooth. On the other hand, I have no will power when it comes to chips, salsa, cheese (salty) types of foods. A couple of years ago, a friend introduced me to "real" dark chocolate. The dark chocolate of quality and novelty... not a cheap or imitation type of dark chocolate. The one that I love the most is Dove Dark Chocolate. I love these individual miniatures because it is like eating a fortune cookie, but with so much more flavor and richness. When you unwrap each piece of goodness, you are greeted by a "Dove Promises Message."

Mine tonight:
Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.

Very, very appropriate for where I am at right now in life, and what we are going through right now. I had a wonderful weekend back home; but, I returned to Texas feeling a little melancholy and more stuck in life than normal. The grey cloud of reality is hoovering over my head and I cannot not shake it. My reality check is that we truly are in this for the long-haul. We have always known this and have been committed to this idea, but I am feeling this reality. A piece of me in my mind and heart has hung onto the dream that we could be "lucky" in that our adoption would happen sooner than later. That dream is slowly fading and the reality is starting to set in. It is slowly becoming more and more difficult to see the end of this road. We are still fine with where we are at, but just cannot shake our feelings of discouragement when we have no idea how far away the finish line is. T echoed my feelings last night while we were talking with each other.

My little foil wrapping with words of encouragement is one to keep for the refrigerator door. That is truly what we are doing right now and will continue to do. I really don't know how much more I can keep giving and keep going in my everyday life, especially when I am feeling stuck... but it is little random reminders like this one that refreshes me and reminds me that I can continue to move forward and take one day at a time. As I have said many times before... what other choice do we have? Afterall, another day down does really bring us one day closer to our baby... whenever that might be... :)

... and we're on the way down again...

Well, I heard from our social worker today. I really didn't understand her e-mail because it was to several waiting families. I think that we did not make the final cut for visitation yet again. We were one of 6 families and I think that we are somewhere in the bottom four. She has chose 2 families she wants to interview initially. I really felt like we had a competitive chance this time... I felt that we were very open and understanding and willing, under these circumstances... I felt that we had a lot in common with her... but I guess the other families just stood out more for some reason. That is the another hard thing to cope with this process... how can you just not believe or think: "Why wasn't our profile good enough? What was more appealing about the other families?" Well, once again... I guess we just don't have too much of a choice. We just keep putting ourselves out there and rejection is just part of the game.

OK -- Trying to zero out the hurt and negative feelings... to balance things out, I *must* keep reminding myself:

1) We are only 5 months into an average 18 (+/-) process
2) We have matched at least 4-times, that I am aware of over the past 5-months. Out of those 4-matches, we have had one telephone interview.
3) When I put the numbers to paper... I guess that seems reasonable for what we are doing (? I think ? I hope? I guess all there is left to do is pray ?).

I am trying to not overwhelm myself and think about how many more times this ride and cycle will happen again before we bring our baby home. It truly is unfathomable.

I have had a good evening tonight. I am being productive and getting things crossed off my to-do lists. That feels good. I am becoming excited about going home this weekend. It feels good that T and I are on the same page right now with life. As I am typing this... I have our cat Gabby in my arms and Jake nesting by my side. I am very comfortable and cozy in our house. I just keep trying to focus on the positive... because it really is there.