Staying Busy -- It's a coping mechanism

Wow! Life has just been going by so quickly. As always, sorry that it has been a while since I have blogged. I think that I have been a mode recently where I just don’t want to “think” or process everything that is going on right now. I am just letting the days pass as they want. The key for me is keeping busy. It’s during the quiet times that the emotions of everything coming flooding in.

Let’s see… As of right now, we have not heard anything more about the adoption. I guess we are back into the lottery of other awaiting families. I have decided that this is much like a BINGO game as well… just waiting for your lucky number to be called. I still want to redo our profile, but at the same time, I am procrastinating. It’s just so tiring thinking about this whole process or even just have it lingering over your head for so long.

The other big change in our life right now, is that T has been placed on a new project…. in Springfield, Missouri. Yes, another state! It is about 7-hrs north-east of here. He is commuting to and from Springfield on the weekends. We found out a week ago Friday that he was needed on this project and he left that following Monday. We are now into week 2 of our new living arrangements. Right now, we are just relieved that he has a job and project to go to. Work is finally slowing down here in the metroplex and the pains of the current economic climate are being felt. We had been having some discussion between ourselves about what we would do if there was no project to go to. The company is taking care of us even under the tight economic circumstances. T gets a monthly living allowance and two round-trip plane tickets a month. The weekends in-between are on us. Doable.

For those of you who know me, you are probably all aware that I am a planner and do not like surprises of any kind. However, it’s weird how both of us have taken this move to Springfield in stride. A) the reality not hit us yet, B) after all that we have had to sort through this past year, this is nothing, or C) we are just relieved for T to still have a job; take your pick, maybe it’s all of the above, I really don’t know why this is moving along so well for the both of us. In the past, based on both of our personalities, it probably would not have gone this smoothly, to say the least.

The other thing that has made this “change” easier for us is that, ironically, I have an aunt and uncle that live in Springfield. It looks like things are going to work out for Tracy to stay with them over the next couple of months. They have generously opened their home for T to stay. This is really going to help us put more to our nest egg for a rainy day; hopefully, that rainy day will not come, but we have seen a few storm clouds on the horizon. Being able to really save over the next couple of months is giving us more confidence that we can make it and continue to make our monthly adoption payments for if the rainy day does happen in the near future

What I am keeping myself busy with. I am continuing to do my Bootcamp on M-W-F mornings. I continue to work on my endurance with running. I have now been able to successfully run a 5K in distance several times now, my time and mileage are both improving. My women’s covenant group has restarted at church. This is the 3rd year that we have met together; we all have become good friends. I help out with the youth program on Wednesday nights. NTDA is off to a great start and I have my monthly board and membership meetings to plan. I am making dinner plans with some good girl friends to catch-up with them.

Things that I want to get done in some of my “spare” time while T is working in Springfield include: 1) scanning some old pictures and negatives into electronic files; 2) start getting some our financial information organized gearing up for tax season (I think we are going to owe this year; 3) I have a ton of home filing to complete (if you open our office bureau, beware at the avalanche of paper that will fall down on-top of you); 4) I have some thank you notes and cards that I want to get mailed off to some friends; and 5) and couple of other extra projects that I want to work on. I want to start doing yoga more regularly and/or doing a bike spin class on T-Th when I am not at bootcamp. The logistics of this I am still trying to figure out. Anyways, I think that I am good to go in staying busy! I am also hoping to get back into a regular habit of updating the blog again… it is so good for me to journal in helping to sustain my mental and emotional reference points in life.

As always, thanks so much for all of your support. Take care!

Reflection

As I was returning home today (again)... I was just relaxing and drifting off to sleep as the plane took off from KC. I was a little melancholy as I have no immediate plans to return "home" to my hometown in the near future. In my half-awake state, I was reflection on the weekend. Despite being annoyed with some cousins intermittently throughout the weekend, it was a good weekend. I kept thinking... 10-years... so much has happened... but it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I couldn't help but think about what the next 10-yrs of marriage will bring us. Thinking about our anniversary, my grandparents anniversary, mom & dad's birthdays, and all the other birthdays and events that we have this time of year... a lonely memory of my heart came to mind.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out that round #2 from the infertility didn't work. It was a year ago two evenings ago, that Tracy and I were sitting in Carraba's (me teary eyed) trying to enjoy the "happiness" of the day (our anniversary), but knowing that odds were against us in conceiving... knowing that we would find out the outcome of treatment on my dad's birthday. We knew deep down inside what the answer was and were ready... I just wish that the "due date" wasn't on our anniversary and dad's birthday. We waited a week to tell our friends and family the outcome to give us time and space from the "happy" events of that time... with our own personal heartache.

Looking back... it feels like a dream... very surreal... I cannot believe that was just a year ago. In contrast, last year feels like a lifetime ago. As when we got married, August 7/8th represents a turning point in our lives... a year ago, I picked myself up from rock bottom to move on and haven't looked back since. It has been such a strong feeling... such a good feeling to feel back in control of my life again. Despite the "waiting" and unknown future... I feel whole again... I feel connected again... there is a part of my heart that will always grieve and be tender, but my heart feels content. For once, it is hard getting my mind to follow my heart instead of vice versa.

In conclusion... I am happy with where we are at in life. I am one lucky girl to have the husband I have, the family I have, and the friends that surround us. We just have so much... I just want to give the same to a opportunities, gifts, and love to a baby. I am glad to have last year behind us and hope that this year can be bookended by a new chapter in our life in the upcoming year... As one of my first posts ended in January... I wish I may, I wish I might...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Revertigo

OK. I really need to get this entry finished! I have been working on it for over 3-days now. To start this blog, I am going to steal a new term that was discussed in an old episode of “How I met your mother.” The timing of this new word was ironic, as I had just returned from my 15-year class reunion. Revertigo refers to how one “reverts” and “reassumes” roles and personality from earlier years of their life. I do have to admit that I did want to go to my high school reunion. I know there are a lot of people who have no interest in returning to that phase of their life and the clicky politics that existed. I can agree with that philosophy.

Yes, I did have fun in high school and I had a very close and good group of friends through high school, always had a busy social life with both friends and dating some, too. I was involved in extracurricular activities. Loved being on the swimming and diving team. I really cannot complain much about my years in high school. However, the part that is not fondly remembered are the feelings of inadequacy that you weren’t “good enough” for some people to be friends with or for them to talk to you. I often felt awkward because of my “nerdy” tendencies to say the least… AND (as my mom gently reminded me) I was really a “good” kid through high school. Still to this day I am not spontaneous. I am a rule follower (for the most part). I still don’t like surprises. These are traits that are still difficult to deal with in my “grown-up” life, BUT they were NOT typical traits of a teenager and they were quite obvious to my peers. I always felt like I was picked on and teased quite a bit through Jr. and High School. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb… maybe the difference is that I have grown into these traits and feel much more comfortable with this is just who I am… but more importantly… I am happy with my life and where I am at.

But… on that note… how come when you return home, you experience “revertigo” and somehow resort back to that awkward, self-conscience person you were in high school? Oh, well… such is life and revertigo really gives you some good stories to reflect on later in life. I also started to realize that a lot of my awkwardness is probably placed on me by myself… but why is it perceived that others are placing it on you themselves?

Anyways… enough of my wondering mind… Here are my memories of the weekend:

* This was the second time in 10-years that someone else besides my parents picked me up at the airport in KC. It was so fun walking off the plane to see welcoming friends. * Just starting to talk with them and have conversations like time had never passed. * Laughing so hard I couldn’t stop crying. Silly me for “seeing” the word lobectomy vs. lobotomy and confusing the two. MAJOR difference. Silly Me. * Staying at Johnnie’s for 7-minutes. * J losing her keys in the grass out back when it was really dark. * Sitting in S parent’s kitchen just chit-chatting. We decided that the personality of brothers is universal… and they probably feel the same way about their sisters, respectfully. * Sleeping with the windows open and having the crickets and cicada’s sing me to sleep. * Running errands around town with mom. * Oh, another funny story. Mom and I went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant in their new location on the west side of town. We walked into the restaurant about 11:15 am and didn’t realize how “new” the restaurant was. It was actually their grand opening and we were the VERY FIRST customer’s ever! We were completely oblivious to their excitement for the first few minutes we were there. * My “nemesis” of the diving team initiating the hello and exchange of hugs between ourselves. There was little conversation… but an exchange of how are you were made. * As vain as it might seem, I also appreciated a couple of compliments on how I still look the same and “good.” It was a moment of satisfaction to me, but I couldn’t help but think about were a year ago now vs. today. * The forced smile as several asked me about kids… luckily in the group, I was able to side step this question most of the time… but then the comment that always makes me cringe (which I hope does not show on my face) “well, just you wait until you have kids…” That is exactly what we are doing… and truly wish that people would not have to start their sentence and then have it followed by unsolicited advice… This was the part I was dreading most through the evening, but it didn’t come up as much as I had anticipated, thankfully. * Finally, I need to remember reconnecting with an old classmate through my high-school best friend. He and his wife had struggled with secondary infertility and had recently adopted. Speaking to him through a father’s perspective really warmed my heart and it is always nice being able to discuss the adoption and infertility openly. The connections of life really pick you up and keep you going. *

Overall, it was a very “Lawrence” filled night. We had dinner at Quinton’s downtown. Had our pictures taken in front of Liberty Hall. Then we took our trip down memory lane and reliving the pages of our senior yearbook. Once we arrived at the “family” event, my friends were watching every-one who walked through the door to see if we recognized and remembered them. I think deep down inside we were all wondering if they would recognize or remember us. I really enjoyed going in a small group of old friends. It was fun being together again – do I dare say, revertigo? Yes… initially I was pretty self-conscience. I continued to laugh whole-heartedly at many things… it felt so good laugh. It was also a good year to go. It felt good having 20# of weight behind me… both figuratively and physically. With the previous few years of stress behind us, I feel that I am slowly returning to my old self again (which I didn’t know was missing until this past year). I had a surprisingly good evening… I often found myself wondering why some people were speaking to me because they never spoke to me before… I was skeptic… but it was fun. As always, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been a little braver to mingle a little more and talk more, not be so skeptic. Oh, well… Maybe at the 20? Boy! … time is flying by way too quickly. I am being to learn at how much relationships mean to me… casual, lifetime, acquaintance, best friends, seasonal, family… I love them all.

A "trip" and lessons learned...

Well... amazing how quickly things are put into perspective. On Sat, T worked out on our new patio from about 9am to 3pm. He did really well making sure to stay cool and hydrated. Well, I guess his efforts were not enough. Saturday night, he was sick from heat exhaustion. He basically slept Sunday away. Was feeling OK, but weak on Monday and headed on into work. He got home that night... went straight to bed. At this point, I am still OK with how he was feeling because it was my understanding that heat exhaustion can take a couple of days to recover from. Well, I go back to check on him around 7:30. He has spiked a significant fever 101.6 and remains very lethargic/achy. Because of the fever and feeling worse... I decide it is time to go the ER. I am trying not to show how nervous I am. I was really worried about the 2-3+ days of dehydration on his kidneys. I am having fears (knowing they are probably irrational) of acute renal failure secondary to dehydration and/or rhabdomyolitis that can then lead to acute renal failure. I keep trying to convince myself I am being paranoid and that this is probably "no big deal." However, I knew that for my piece of mind... I needed to go a head and take him to the ER.

We had a fantastic ER experience which immediately put me at ease. We were triaged immediately, in our room, and talking to the PA within 15-minutes of arrival at the ER. I never once received the impression that we had "overreacted" and that this was "typical" or "nothing." (Thank Goodness). They immediately started T on IV fluids, 2 bags of repletion later... we were headed home. His blood panel and renal function appeared fine. He was feeling much, much better and alertness was improved. He is on the mend... and I think a lesson learned for him about limits and the power of mother nature. I am pretty certain that had we waited until the morning to just go to the doctor's office, he would've been much worse and sicker than he already was. It is amazing how quickly the body can respond to treatment. T's elevated temp had cooled and returned to normal after to bags of fluids.

In reflection, between the time between I decided that we needed to go to the hospital, and the time we were triaged, my mind was just flooded with anxious thoughts racing a head. Bottom line, once things settled, I realized and had gained a new appreciation for how we are as a "team." Being strong together often comes so naturally that we don't realize how much we depend on our unity. The thought of having to be strong for T and not having him be strong with me was one of the most intimidating thoughts of all. You don't realize how strong you both are together until one is truly weakened. Despite our struggles, I realize how good things are when we are together and united. I know it's cheesy metaphor, but it's true. It is something you know is always present in your relationship, but when it was presented to me in a true physical manifestation... it became that much closer to the heart.

On a much lessor note, another lesson learned... I realized that my hunger and appetite is truly stimulated by stress! I am a true stress eater! When I got to the ER and T was settled and the IV fluids were running... I was starving and ravenous! Luckily, we have wonderful friends close by and someone was able to bring me a "bedtime meal" from Chick-Fil-A. When I first decided to take T to the hospital, I flipped into "take charge" mode. Earlier, I had called a friend of ours that is close-by because I wanted someone to know that we might need help later that night. I called J and just told her T wasn't doing well and we where we were headed. She stopped by our ER room shortly there after for support... Luckily, the only support needed by that time was physical nourishment for me. I was feeling reassured by then, but it was so nice to have someone there. Family is more than just being related... we have friends that are just as close as family, if maybe sometimes not a little closer. I am so glad that we didn't have to do this alone... Thank you. From this hectic and chaotic experience... I somehow gained the strength to continue being "OK" with the roller coaster of the adoption experience. Wow, what a round about way to cope. Whew! On that note, Good Night! :)

Mother's Day

I have been trying to think about what to post probably since Thursday. What is there for me to say about this day? Once again, this day is a perfect bitter-sweet example of life... it is very lonely and isolating not being "able" to be a mother on this day when you want it so badly, but at the same time... I also truly am happy because I have such wonderful women and mothers in my life. My own mother, both of my grandmothers, aunt's, friends, etc. It is a day to celebrate them as well, for they deserve this day as well.

I have decided that Mother's Day is a like Valentine's Day. It is a good day if you have a significant other or a mother in your life. However, I want to take a minute and recognize the phases of life that Mother's Day may be difficult for; I am a person of balance... everyone needs to be recognized, not just those who are in "traditional" roles and "typical" phases of life.
* Those that are single and still waiting for Mr. Right.
* Those struggling with infertility.
* Those who have lost their mother.
* Those caring for a child with special needs.
* Those who are estranged from their "child."
* Those who are estranged from their mother as adults.
* Those caring for an aging parent.
* Those who have lost a child through a miscarriage, accidents, or for health causes.
I know that my list could go on and on. I know that all of us who have challenging circumstances in our lives and who are "waiting" for something... do have many, many things to be thankful... and on an everyday basis... however, there are moments where everywhere you look, it just reminds you of the struggles and grief. This time of my life has really heightened my awareness to the fact that the grass is not always greener on the other side... it has made me aware of all the extraordinary circumstances that many people endure, and talking to them on an everyday basis and from the outside... you would never know how heavy their heart can be.

T and I laid low today and had a productive day around the house. I finished painting the front hallway. T mowed the lawn. We played a little Wii and then we went to T's Sunday night football game. I had a wonderful conversation with my own mother; she was doing really well and we had many laughs. It always feels so good to hear her laugh and be relaxed. For the most part, our house is in order and our lives are slowly starting to feel back in order again, after a very, very long week. I received a special card from my dad that acknowledged this "day" and where we are at in our lives. It is definitely a keeper and memory for this time or our lives. I also kept close to my heart a special prayer for a friend in waiting as they traveled to San Antonio to visit with a potential birth mom in the adoption process; what an ironic day to have such a meeting.

Anyways, it is the start of a new week. Bootcamp started again. My goal for this camp is to lose another 5# and I will back down to the weight that I was when we got married. I have tried really hard not to be too specific with weight goals for fear of failure. My goal has always been to get fit... but now that I am so close to my weight I was when we got married, I have decided that I am going to embrace this goal and hope that I can achieve this step.

I need to start getting ready for work. This week is going to be busy as we have a survey at work on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Take care to you all regardless of what phase of your life you are in. :) Remember, if you need someone, I am here for you just like you have been there for me.

Everyday Life and Funny Story

OK. As T and I talk about things we want, places to go, things to spend our money on... there is one item that we cannot agree upon. T has a dream of owning an expensive "sports" vehicle of sorts. That is fine he has his dream, I can support the dream... I just don't understand the dream -- you can still support but not understand... it is the same principle as agree to disagree, right? Anyways, he is fully aware of my lack of understanding surrounding his dream cars. I just don't share the same interest and fascination of a owning a luxury sports car of sorts. I like things with function and purpose. What purpose does a sports car have besides going really fast (getting a speeding ticket) and crying out, "look at me!"? I would much rather spend that money on a trip around the world, a custom built home, our kids' college education, shopping sprees, etc. Regardless, we kind of tease each other about these differences in opinions, because, 1) buying a luxury or expensive car is not a reality anytime soon, and 2) the alternatives that I dream about really are not a reality anytime soon either.

So this morning, like any other morning, I was watching the Today Show. I absolutely *love* the Today show. It is my connection to the world and a primary source of all my tidbits of information. Anyways, today is Earth Day 2010... and the Today Show was highlighting new technology that aids in the greening efforts of our earth. Watching one of the green energy conservation tools, I thought I had a wonderful idea. The new "Pea Pod," was introduced to the world. The "Pea Pod" is the first fully electric car. This concept car runs on 100% electricity. I decided that maybe I could compromise with Tracy on his fascination and dream of *cool* cars. So I called him with my proposal. It went something like this:

K: "Hey! I know that you dream about having a luxury sports car of sorts, right? And, you know that I am not to excited about that, right? Anyways, I think I have a compromise that I am really excited about. I think I know of a way that will make us both happy."
T: OK. What is it?
K: It's a new concept electric car. It's being introduced by GM Chrysler today. It's called the Pea Pod.
T: (laughing) It's called what?
K: The Pea Pod... (trying to stiffle a laugh because she realizes how silly the idea sounds even though she meant for it to be a serious conversation).
T: (lol) What?
K: The Pea Pod... I am being serious. (now lol, too)
T: OK. Tell me about it.
K: Well, it runs on 100% electricity. You can use a standard outlet to charge the battery. It only costs ~$0.02 per mile to operate. It's really just intended for a grocery-go-getter around town because top speed is ~25 mph. It will be available for public purchase in October or November for only ~$12,500.
T: ... are you sure it isn't a moped? Nothing says power and manliness like a moped. (continues to laugh)
K: ... No! It is not a moped... but now probably isn't the time to tell you that the car is designed to look like it is smiling because it is a "smart and happy" car because it is saving our environment? (lol)
T: What?
K: Never mind. Just look up the car on-line, read about, and look at the pictures. OK, maybe this car is not our "compromising" car, but *seriously*... as a compromise on our debate on which vehicles to purchase "for fun" (if we ever get to that point in our life), then lets consider a new concept car... something unique and new that will help conserve our resources and protect our earth.
T: OK. I bet we can find something to compromise on and it would be "fun" having a true economical and green car.

At that time, the conversation ended and we proceeded with our work day. I have enclosed a picture of the Pea Pod. Do you think I will be able to negotiate Tracy into a compromise of a novelty or concept car that has more function and purpose than a Shelby Mustang GT something or another? Anyways, LOL.

Back to the Daily Grind

OK -- I just need to get a quick post in. I will write more later. This is just the highlights.

1) As I was leaving on Friday at 3:00 pm for my flight, I was asked to start my National Nutrition Month event on Monday as opposed to Wed, March 18th that had been previously discussed! Ugh!
2) Had a wonderful weekend and so much fun with my friend.
3) Favorite weekend memory, meeting her little boy's fish named Harry that he named himself. (oxymoron?)
4) Dashing through the snow/slush in our pedicure flip flops into Mr. Goodcents.
5) Staying up until 1:30 on Friday and midnight on Saturday. I really felt like I was living with her again back in college. It was so much fun talking and reminiscing.
6) Just being able to talk so openly and candidly.
7) Finally, coming home to T. I loved seeing him and walking into his arms at the airport.

This week is very, very hectic... but stress isn't too bad for now. I am going to skip my covenant group tonight because I have papers to grade for TWU that are due tomorrow morning and I really want to exercise. My weight has plateaued and gone back down slightly, which is good. At least it is no longer increasing again. It was good to return to Bootcamp on Monday.

More later! :)

Moving On...

This weekend was as good as could be expected for what we "needed" to get accomplished and for what I "wanted" to get accomplished.

Yesterday was kind of hectic and stressful just because I needed to run into work for a couple of hours that I hadn't anticipated on AND we were trying to make a visit out to FIL's new house and visit him for his birthday. We are always trying to anticipate how he will respond to things and what his demeanor and mood is going to be. It is a very stressful situation for us both and often Fil places T in the position to "choose" between him or me. T had a headache by the time we were on the road. I am sure that you will hear more about Fil in the upcoming blogs. Let me just say one of the reason's why Fil is so difficult to deal with is that he suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder. He cannot understand or rationalize the world outside of himself. When we found out that he had this personality disorder, I tried searching for information on how to deal with and communicate with people with this persona, and there was relatively little information on how to approach these people, communicate, or help them cope/deal with their disorder. It is often coupled with another psychiatric disorder, in Fil's case, it is obsessive compulsive tendencies. It was a very long day and I was spent and done with by the time we got home. I slept the last 30-40 minutes of the car ride home and we were both in bed shortly after 9:00 and asleep by 10:00. Even though it was a long a stressful day, we had some good conversation on how "we" together are going to deal with this new constant and needy figure in our life. T made me feel really good all through the day, he never shut down on me and was constantly supportive... even when he knew I had reached my limit and had been entirely pushed out of my comfort zone with Fil's conversation. That in itself was a huge improvement from how we had struggled to deal with this situation before.

Fil's health really isn't good. He has already fallen in his new house and has been advised he just needs to "stay down" for a good couple of weeks. If only that could fix everything. It really makes me thankful for my own parents health, both mentally and physically. My parents are basically the same age as Fil, but have always taken care of themselves. I am glad that we only have to focus on one aging parent right now and not having to address it from both sides.

Today, T decided that he wanted to clean out the garage and get everything organized. I was not going to get in the way. I knew that it was probably best for me not to be around the house much, because T does have a tendency to get grumpy whenever he does a "home improvement" project. One of the reasons why I fell in love with him was because he made me feel "normal." I thought that I was a perfectionist and was hard on myself... until I met him. :) I remember him saying real early on while we were dating, "Yeah, I know I anal... but that is just me." ... AND he said it smiling. It was such an epiphany for me! Someone can be anal and OK with it? It was a changing moment in my life... to say the least, the rest is history.

I was productive... touched base with my cousin (who is like a sister to me), blogged, laundry is in process, went for a run, etc. The one aspect to my day that I was kind of dreading but really wasn't too bad... I did have a baby shower to attend. Luckily, I knew many people there and could distract myself with conversation. I went out to lunch with a friend before the shower and then only stayed for ~1 hour of the shower and slipped out. Everyone was very nice and several did ask me how things were going with our adoption process. I really did appreciate that and did take advantage to talk about it. It did feel weired talking about our adoption process at someone else's baby shower... but hey, the other's asked; I also felt like they were sincere in asking, so I felt comfortable responding... I hope that's OK. I was also glad for the distraction of the conversation, because secretly (not so much now)... I was dreading this shower. My friend who is expecting... she doesn't even know this... but her due date is actually the due date we would've had if Round #2 would have succeeded.

Talk about coincidences of life. Once again, the bitter sweet irony of life is ever present. Anyways, I need to go get ready for bed. I am ready to start this week... especially when compared to last week. I am sure it will go by quickly... a lot to do at work and this coming weekend I am going to KC to spend with a good friend and endulge in a new found love of "spa day." T-5 days and counting... Good Night!