Revertigo

OK. I really need to get this entry finished! I have been working on it for over 3-days now. To start this blog, I am going to steal a new term that was discussed in an old episode of “How I met your mother.” The timing of this new word was ironic, as I had just returned from my 15-year class reunion. Revertigo refers to how one “reverts” and “reassumes” roles and personality from earlier years of their life. I do have to admit that I did want to go to my high school reunion. I know there are a lot of people who have no interest in returning to that phase of their life and the clicky politics that existed. I can agree with that philosophy.

Yes, I did have fun in high school and I had a very close and good group of friends through high school, always had a busy social life with both friends and dating some, too. I was involved in extracurricular activities. Loved being on the swimming and diving team. I really cannot complain much about my years in high school. However, the part that is not fondly remembered are the feelings of inadequacy that you weren’t “good enough” for some people to be friends with or for them to talk to you. I often felt awkward because of my “nerdy” tendencies to say the least… AND (as my mom gently reminded me) I was really a “good” kid through high school. Still to this day I am not spontaneous. I am a rule follower (for the most part). I still don’t like surprises. These are traits that are still difficult to deal with in my “grown-up” life, BUT they were NOT typical traits of a teenager and they were quite obvious to my peers. I always felt like I was picked on and teased quite a bit through Jr. and High School. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb… maybe the difference is that I have grown into these traits and feel much more comfortable with this is just who I am… but more importantly… I am happy with my life and where I am at.

But… on that note… how come when you return home, you experience “revertigo” and somehow resort back to that awkward, self-conscience person you were in high school? Oh, well… such is life and revertigo really gives you some good stories to reflect on later in life. I also started to realize that a lot of my awkwardness is probably placed on me by myself… but why is it perceived that others are placing it on you themselves?

Anyways… enough of my wondering mind… Here are my memories of the weekend:

* This was the second time in 10-years that someone else besides my parents picked me up at the airport in KC. It was so fun walking off the plane to see welcoming friends. * Just starting to talk with them and have conversations like time had never passed. * Laughing so hard I couldn’t stop crying. Silly me for “seeing” the word lobectomy vs. lobotomy and confusing the two. MAJOR difference. Silly Me. * Staying at Johnnie’s for 7-minutes. * J losing her keys in the grass out back when it was really dark. * Sitting in S parent’s kitchen just chit-chatting. We decided that the personality of brothers is universal… and they probably feel the same way about their sisters, respectfully. * Sleeping with the windows open and having the crickets and cicada’s sing me to sleep. * Running errands around town with mom. * Oh, another funny story. Mom and I went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant in their new location on the west side of town. We walked into the restaurant about 11:15 am and didn’t realize how “new” the restaurant was. It was actually their grand opening and we were the VERY FIRST customer’s ever! We were completely oblivious to their excitement for the first few minutes we were there. * My “nemesis” of the diving team initiating the hello and exchange of hugs between ourselves. There was little conversation… but an exchange of how are you were made. * As vain as it might seem, I also appreciated a couple of compliments on how I still look the same and “good.” It was a moment of satisfaction to me, but I couldn’t help but think about were a year ago now vs. today. * The forced smile as several asked me about kids… luckily in the group, I was able to side step this question most of the time… but then the comment that always makes me cringe (which I hope does not show on my face) “well, just you wait until you have kids…” That is exactly what we are doing… and truly wish that people would not have to start their sentence and then have it followed by unsolicited advice… This was the part I was dreading most through the evening, but it didn’t come up as much as I had anticipated, thankfully. * Finally, I need to remember reconnecting with an old classmate through my high-school best friend. He and his wife had struggled with secondary infertility and had recently adopted. Speaking to him through a father’s perspective really warmed my heart and it is always nice being able to discuss the adoption and infertility openly. The connections of life really pick you up and keep you going. *

Overall, it was a very “Lawrence” filled night. We had dinner at Quinton’s downtown. Had our pictures taken in front of Liberty Hall. Then we took our trip down memory lane and reliving the pages of our senior yearbook. Once we arrived at the “family” event, my friends were watching every-one who walked through the door to see if we recognized and remembered them. I think deep down inside we were all wondering if they would recognize or remember us. I really enjoyed going in a small group of old friends. It was fun being together again – do I dare say, revertigo? Yes… initially I was pretty self-conscience. I continued to laugh whole-heartedly at many things… it felt so good laugh. It was also a good year to go. It felt good having 20# of weight behind me… both figuratively and physically. With the previous few years of stress behind us, I feel that I am slowly returning to my old self again (which I didn’t know was missing until this past year). I had a surprisingly good evening… I often found myself wondering why some people were speaking to me because they never spoke to me before… I was skeptic… but it was fun. As always, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been a little braver to mingle a little more and talk more, not be so skeptic. Oh, well… Maybe at the 20? Boy! … time is flying by way too quickly. I am being to learn at how much relationships mean to me… casual, lifetime, acquaintance, best friends, seasonal, family… I love them all.

Home Sweet Home

Well, time flies... luckily? Thankfully? I hope? At least right now... Sorry that it has been so long since my last entry. Nothing more has been heard from our birthmother for over 10-days now. With each passing day, she is becoming more and more of a distant memory. Continues to feel surreal that we were actually close to something? I am incredibly exhausted right now... mainly due to not much sleep over the last couple of days because of being busy... nothing more.

I went "home" last Thursday night. It was wonderful! I had nothing planned other than to help mom around the house. It had been a while since I had been "home," just to be at home without any plans. Often when we go home, it is filled with "plans" or some kind of an event. This time, there was no plans. I hadn't anticipated a mini-vacation when I took this trip, but that is what it turned into. A much welcomed and needed escape. The only thing that was missing from the past few days was T. He stayed in Texas this time. He will be going "home" with me in about 3-wks for my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary celebration.

I love being at home. I loved helping mom out around the house. I cleaned through an old bedroom closet and took a trip down memory lane. Many of those memories went to the trash can, but it was productive cleaning never-the-less. I loved sleeping with my bedroom window open at night. I loved taking a jog through the neighborhood without worrying about heat stroke, dehydration, and speeding cars - seriously. I loved reading myself to sleep each night without needing to set an alarm the next morning. I loved going to WalMart with my best friend from High School and going to lunch at McDonald's with her boys. I loved catching up with an old friend from college who know lives in Lawrence and exchanging stories about people we know in common. I loved shopping in downtown Lawrence and just running errands in town. I loved visiting with the neighbor whose cat had moved her 2-wk old kittens into my parent's yard for safety. I loved playing cards with my parents in the evening. I was glad to be at home to help take care of my dad. (He injured his knee and is now needing to return to his orthopedic surgeon). Despite the stress and untimeliness of his injury, there were still many laughs to be had. That is one of the reasons why I love my family so much, is we can always make each other laugh.

I think that is probably what I was needing the most was just laughter and a normal routine. T and I have that on a daily basis, but here... we are constantly reminded by where we are at in life and what we are waiting for. As I have said before, we are very comfortable and for the most part content... but sometimes I feel as though I am living a "ground hog" day life while we are waiting for the next phase to begin. The last 5-days was a wonderful change in pace... I loved just being there in the moment... wanting to help and being able to help, being productive and useful... no plans in place... just smiling and laughing. To me, that is just a little piece of what being family is about.

Soothing of the Senses

It is days like today that I wish I could bottle and remember forever... I will always have the memories and pictures... but the sensory component of this lazy day is what I will miss the most. I am sitting the in the shade, outside, with a breeze blowing over my bare arms and legs. Off in the distance I can see the warm summer sun reflecting off a lake that is like glass. The air is so clean and fresh. My eyes are filled with color. My heart is filled with peace and happiness... for now. I just want this to last for so much longer. I dream of a day where this can always be life. I contemplate on how I can simplify our life more. Being here with family, just makes my heart long for a day with our children. I want to share this week so much and have it apart of OUR family story and life. Even though my heart is longing, I continue to enjoy the daydreams that fill my mind and heart. I just love the outdoors and country so very much.

I am glad for the distraction of this week. We heard back from the birthmother that we spoke with about 10-days ago. She is wanting to speak with us again. I am here with family which have been SO supportive, but I am afraid to say anything for jinxing this process. I am afraid that it will lead to questions that I don't have the answers for. If I say something and nothing more moves forward, I am not sure how to go back and say nothing happened. It is just so hard to describe how this process works. Maybe it is because I cannot wrap my mind around how this process works.

Today is my brother's and SIL anniversary. It is hard to believe that it was 4-years ago today that they got married. Happy Anniversary you two! :) I am thinking of you and enjoy your day as well.

Surreal Experience....

The other day at work, we had a doctor order a "high alkaline" diet for a patient. Now, there is all kinds of "quacky" stuff on the Internet about this diet. Basically, your high alkaline foods are fruits and veggies, especially your dark, leafy greens. Your "no" or "acidic" foods are your concentrated sweets, sugars, fats, whites, processed foods. OK, well the theory makes sense... it is just another way of presenting a healthy eating plan to some degree; although, it is often promoted as curing your health problems in as little as 3-days... that is another issue and story for a different day.

Anyways, as I was sitting in my office... rolling my eyes at this request... I had this nagging thought. I have looked up this information before. Why am I familiar with this diet? I really do have first hand knowledge of this information... it really took me a couple of hours before I remembered why I was familiar with this way of eating.

It was a year ago (middle of April) that we had finished round 1 of IVF. During round 1 and 2, it was recommended to me that I might pursue acupuncture to try to help with my egg quality. After researching it, there is substantial evidence that acupuncture and eastern medicine techniques can help female infertility issues. At this time, I decided it was worth a shot (no pun intended); besides, at this point, really what did I have to lose? I decided that I needed to have the assurance that I truly had done everything that I could possibly do to increase our chances and odds for this to work. It was when I was routinely visiting my acupuncturist, that the "high alkaline" diet was introduced to me. At this time after reviewing it myself from a dietian's perspective, I came to the conclusion that it is just a list of foods that you need to eat more of... the foods listed are the healthy foods that we all know should be eaten more often and in greater quantity. I really didn't perceive that it was the "magic" diet. It is also heavily plant-based, almost vegetarian like.

Anyways... what amazed me the most, is that it took me so long to come up with this memory. It was hard for me to believe that I have blocked out my acupuncture visits and different things that were recommended to me during this time out of my mind. It seems like such a long time ago. As I started thinking about where we were a year ago... I remembered being stressed... but I don't remember the *feelings* of stress... last year just feels like an empty void; a year ago now just seems like a distant dream away... a very surreal experience when I think about how much we have done and how much our life has changed over past couple of years.

I do remember how good it felt to be at home, being productive, and taking care of me during my medical leaves of absences... I loved taking care of our life. I am longing for a time like that again (but without the stress of infertility). I am frustrated with having to be so stingy with my current vacation time - I am trying to save it for possible maternity leave because I may not be able to use my paid sick time for the adoption. Luckily, we do have our wonderful and beautiful trip to Minnesota planned here... it is exactly a month from today that we leave and I am counting down the days.

Slowly but surely, seeing that the glass is half-full is becoming easier again... I also know that I have my hopes too high; a birthmom is viewing our profile. I am hoping to hear from the social worker later today to see if the birthmom is interested in meeting and visiting with us as she moves through this decision making process.

Well, I need to go get ready for work. I had a good morning at Bootcamp. I am struggling with keeping up with my food logs. Work is busy. Have sent several e-cards and e-mails and staying in touch with others; I am trying to keep up with my goal I set forth a few blogs back. I have a lot of little things that need to be tied up before the holiday weekend. It will be good to see Mom, Dad, and my cousins this weekend; however, I will miss T as he can't go with me. Each day is just one more checked off, for now...

Mother's Day

I have been trying to think about what to post probably since Thursday. What is there for me to say about this day? Once again, this day is a perfect bitter-sweet example of life... it is very lonely and isolating not being "able" to be a mother on this day when you want it so badly, but at the same time... I also truly am happy because I have such wonderful women and mothers in my life. My own mother, both of my grandmothers, aunt's, friends, etc. It is a day to celebrate them as well, for they deserve this day as well.

I have decided that Mother's Day is a like Valentine's Day. It is a good day if you have a significant other or a mother in your life. However, I want to take a minute and recognize the phases of life that Mother's Day may be difficult for; I am a person of balance... everyone needs to be recognized, not just those who are in "traditional" roles and "typical" phases of life.
* Those that are single and still waiting for Mr. Right.
* Those struggling with infertility.
* Those who have lost their mother.
* Those caring for a child with special needs.
* Those who are estranged from their "child."
* Those who are estranged from their mother as adults.
* Those caring for an aging parent.
* Those who have lost a child through a miscarriage, accidents, or for health causes.
I know that my list could go on and on. I know that all of us who have challenging circumstances in our lives and who are "waiting" for something... do have many, many things to be thankful... and on an everyday basis... however, there are moments where everywhere you look, it just reminds you of the struggles and grief. This time of my life has really heightened my awareness to the fact that the grass is not always greener on the other side... it has made me aware of all the extraordinary circumstances that many people endure, and talking to them on an everyday basis and from the outside... you would never know how heavy their heart can be.

T and I laid low today and had a productive day around the house. I finished painting the front hallway. T mowed the lawn. We played a little Wii and then we went to T's Sunday night football game. I had a wonderful conversation with my own mother; she was doing really well and we had many laughs. It always feels so good to hear her laugh and be relaxed. For the most part, our house is in order and our lives are slowly starting to feel back in order again, after a very, very long week. I received a special card from my dad that acknowledged this "day" and where we are at in our lives. It is definitely a keeper and memory for this time or our lives. I also kept close to my heart a special prayer for a friend in waiting as they traveled to San Antonio to visit with a potential birth mom in the adoption process; what an ironic day to have such a meeting.

Anyways, it is the start of a new week. Bootcamp started again. My goal for this camp is to lose another 5# and I will back down to the weight that I was when we got married. I have tried really hard not to be too specific with weight goals for fear of failure. My goal has always been to get fit... but now that I am so close to my weight I was when we got married, I have decided that I am going to embrace this goal and hope that I can achieve this step.

I need to start getting ready for work. This week is going to be busy as we have a survey at work on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Take care to you all regardless of what phase of your life you are in. :) Remember, if you need someone, I am here for you just like you have been there for me.

Worldly Travels of My Parents

It was last July or August that my parents made an "announcement," to us "kids." It was to stay on the down & low for a while, but they were going to be making arrangements to take a sabbatical from work to travel. This was not a "surprise" announcement to us as we have heard my parents talk and dream of doing this together for many years now. This is a goal of theirs to do prior to retirement. It truly is the "perfect" trip and thing for my parents to do together... it is so "them."

At the time they revealed their plans to us, I was glad that I was on the phone. I was excited and happy that their plans were moving a long for travels during the Spring 2010. However, I also had some feelings of selfishness and sadness. At this time, we were in the middle of IVF round #2, without any news or know what our future was going to be like. Then as plans continued to be talked about, it was slowly becoming a reality that they may not be here for the adoption of our child. As mentioned previously, I just kept putting it to the back of my mind and told myself that we would cross that bridge when we got there.

I was so conflicted. I was so excited (sweetness) that my parents were in a place that they could work towards their dream, but also sad (bitterness) that another aspect to our daydreams of starting of family may not be possible either.

Here is the latest exchange of e-mails between my parents and us:

From Dad:
Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you plan – but, life is still good. I received word today that:
"We always seek a mixture of ship-board experience and “new blood” among the leadership. The consensus here is that we are deficit in the experience quotient and that therefore we should appoint a person for Dean of Students who has previous experience on the ship. Unfortunately, that leaves you aside for the Spring 2010 Trip." But, life is good and we will make some other plans – like maybe a couple of cruises on our own next year. Love you all, Dad

From Mom to her confidants at work:
Over the past few months, I have had opportunity to share a conversation with you regarding a life long dream/goal our is to serve as staff members on a world trip. It "almost" became a reality for the Spring of 2010; but, yesterday, we received an update. Because of final staffing needs for the Spring 2010 trip, they have asked him to consider another year. We are disappointed in this request because verbal conversations had indicated that it was a ‘done deal’ on the front end. So we proceeded accordingly to make requests and accommodations at our places of work. After discussion last night, we have decided to postpone any consideration for another voyage until we have more flexibility at both institutions and a plan is in place for what we want to do with 'the remainder of our professional careers.' "Now" was not "our moment"; so the dream/goal goes back on the shelf for future consideration. Thank you for listening. You are a valued friend and colleague.

My response:
Yes... thank you for sharing. I received Dad's note last night as well and was trying to figure out an e-mail response that I could send in return. I know how disappointing this must be because I know that you two had talked about doing this before it even became a possible reality over this past year. We are very disappointed for you both as well. Tracy and I look forward to the day that you will be able to make this dream come true; we both believe that you "deserve" it, and are more than qualified to participate in such a wonderful opportunity. From personal experience ;)... sometimes waiting for something special and that truly is a once in a lifetime opportunity, really does make the end "prize" that much sweeter. Sometimes it just is not a matter of "if," but rather "when." We look forward to the day WHEN you are able to sail around the world. We love you both! -- K &T

I wanted to include this on my blog for memory and documentation purposes about some of the "everyday things" that were going on in our lives. The tug of war of emotions that accompanies this process. I truly want to savor and remember this time... all aspects... both the bitter and the sweet. This is a perfect example of both. I can take snippets of phrases from both their e-mails and apply them to our life and what we are going through as well.

At this time, "Sometimes things don't go as planned, but life is still good. Sometimes your dreams are put on hold... it isn't a matter of if they will happen, but just a matter of WHEN." I love my family and dream of the day that T & I have our own. We are so thankful that we have such good positive examples and support to keep us going.

Random Thoughts

As always, I know that I am long overdue for a post. Everyday life just continues with us. Sometimes I feel I am just observing life or that I am on a merry-go-round each day. It is fun most of the time... but after a while it can get old.

T and I had a wonderful time this past weekend. We traveled to Wichita Falls with 13 other youth from our church. We had a little retreat with them and completed the program "Generation Change" from Dave Ramsay. It was just so refreshing to be with the teens. They are just *so in the moment* with basically no worries about tomorrow, or even Monday for that matter. It was so good to see T smile from ear to ear at the randomness of teens. I will just remember being in that big white passenger van listening to the youth sing at the tops of their lungs to the radio. Another observation from the weekend is how quickly a van full of teens starts to smell of feet. It was LOL funny to find a toothbrush on the floor next to a backpack, but the baseball hat of the same owner is carefully placed up out of the way to avoid being smashed. It was a boost to the ego when T and I could chime in on an "inside" joke of some boys and completely take them by surprise by knowing what they were talking about. We were asked, "So, you've seen Role Models?!?" ... to which I matter of fact stated "yes," smiled, and left it at that. Finally, I did have a moment of aging when I realized that the Freshmen we were spending the weekend with were born in the year that I graduated from high school! Wow! It really doesn't feel like 15-years ago when I was doing the exact same things they were with my youth group.

On that note, realizing how fast the last 15-years of my life have gone by... then realizing how fast the first 10-years of my marriage have gone by... and saddened by how I feel like I have lost the last 5-years of my life... makes it hard not regress into feeling stuck because we still just continue to wait. At the same time, I try to focus on the things that make me happy. I am very, very proud of the life that T and I have established together. I find comfort in my everyday routine. I love my bootcamp and yoga through a local non-profit organization. I love my little local cross-stitch shop. I love being efficient running errands around town. I like being independent and on our own with our own life. I love all of the relationships and friendships we have.

I did hear back from our social worker and right now our profile is being viewed by 2 or 3 different mothers. I really have no details at all around these mothers. I keep telling myself that is OK, and I am comfortable with having reassurance that this process is "working" and "moving along," relatively speaking. I keep reminding myself that we are only 4-months on the waiting list, we are still early in this process. Right now, I keep referencing that this process, on average, lasts ~18-months. Sometimes longer... sometimes shorter. I have also stopped trying to explain the process or answer, "have you heard anything?" I just politely say, "No, we are just waiting. There is really not much else we can do besides wait." ... and then I give a little smile. How can you explain others that we are right where we should be with the process with just waiting and not knowing too much; technically, we really can't complain and I have decided that I am OK with that. :)

Hmmm... what else is going on? I really need to finalize our taxes, I have never procrastinated getting our taxes done as much, as I have this year. I don't know why because we aren't going to owe anything this year because of all the medical expenses last year associated with the IVF. I really need to get on that... ahh... but all the more things to find and distract myself with.

Also, I am really excited for this weekend. My parents are coming into town for Easter. I am ready for some family time. T and I really mirror a lot of how we approach life after them. They really are our rock, especially in comparison with all the drama and dysfunction on the other side. They are so supportive and interested in us, everyone needs and deserves that kind of support in their life. T and I both enjoy just relaxing, playing cards, completing puzzles, antiquing, and shopping with them. Even thought they are both "busy" people always on the go, we thoroughly enjoy being on the go with them.

Finally, I am making some progress in thinking outside of my "normal" daily job duties and routine on how I can "spice" up my "work" right now, instead of just waiting for our baby to come. I have been nominated to be president elect of my local professional organization, I am thinking about restarting some private practice opportunities again after work, and I am really excited about some of the continuing education programs that I have found. The CEUs are not as cheap as I would like, but I think they are going to be very, very worthwhile and I am excited about furthering my advanced practice skills. Now, the trick is just being very, very careful and finding the time to thoroughly implement, and implement well, all that I want to do.

Right now I think one of the major coping mechanisms for me is to keep busy. I cannot complain because I have *plenty* to keep myself busy with. I continue to thoroughly enjoy my bootcamp and yoga practice... I know that the only way that I can accomplish all that I want to do is continue to take care of myself and T first.

I guess that is it for my life right now. As always, thank you for your continual support in our lives. You do make a difference to us. :) Good Night.

Baby Steps

OK -- we took a big step. Friday night, after Bootcamp graduation dinner, we went to Babies-R-Us and purchased baby furniture. I am really excited about our purchase. It is a chest of drawers, dresser (changing table), and crib that is a "grow-with-you," bed. It feels weird to have made such a "major" purchase because it could be another year before it is used. It should be here in a couple of weeks. T has been working on the attic this weekend so that we can get some stuff from the "other" bedroom up there.

Once again, it felt weird being in Babies-R-Us because we were really the only ones that are not "expecting." We did have to search a little for a sales clerk, I am why aren't there employees ready for me in the baby furniture section at 8:30 on a Friday night? If they want my money, they should be ready for me... that was a little bit of my mentality at the time. Well, we finally found Sam. Sam was a very laid back and easy going employee, probably about mid-to-late twenties. Through just chit-chatting with him, his efficiency with placing our order, and thoroughly answering all of our questions about the purchase... We walked out of the store ~30 minutes later very excited about everything. I think I was more surprised that I was walking out of Babies-R-Us as a "very satisfied" customer more than anything else. Through Sam's genuine satisfaction with his job, he had honestly acknowledged what an "exciting" time this is for us. Furthermore, he seemed excited for our future as well. Sam truly helped to make our "bitter-sweet" experience of "needing" vs. "wanting" to prepare for our baby a very sweet and memorable one. For that I am thankful.

I was ready to get our baby furniture and start putting together the "basics" of our nursery. Honestly, I was afraid of getting some things and then in a few months resenting that we had this "stuff," but still no baby. I was afraid of finding something, liking something... and then second guessing myself after it got here. Now, that we have purchased it... I told T that I am glad that we did. I am glad that we purchased some "larger" items with absolutely nothing pending for an adoption. Had we purchased some of these items with an adoption "pending" and then for it to fall through, the items would be "tainted." I am glad that we have some of these items independently and without any potential attachment at this point in time. Part of me is a little "bitter" that these steps in life have to be rationalized, but for now... my peace and excitement are there and it feels good. Every time I think about our Babies-R-Us furniture buying experience and Sam, a smile does come to my face.

Deep down inside, I am also hoping to develop and create a "moment" for T and I. Since we will not have a "moment" in which we intimately share and announce that we are pregnant with our family and friends... I am looking forward to telling my parents that I have something I want to show them. I am day-dreaming about Easter weekend when they are here, and I can just quietly show them our reality and hopes by symbolically opening the door to our "other" bedroom. I know it might be cheesy, and I hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment, but tradition, family memories, and sentiments are just something that I hold onto very closely. I have a plaque in our living room that says, "Home is where your story begins." As we continue to proceed with our everyday live, that quote basically sums it up... We are slowly trying to establish our home for the story of our family to begin.

No news

Well... that about sums it up. Have had a pretty uneventful week. Looking forward to the weekend. My uncle is doing well, my cousin says his spirits are good and they are optimistic about his prognosis. I am still in neutral about the adoption. We haven't heard anything more about the profile viewing. I am just trying to enjoy my boring life right now. :)

Update

OK -- Update #1: Things are settling down somewhat. Good. I have continued to talk to my cousin almost daily. My uncle continues to do well. They have not staged is Multiple Myeloma yet, but the "feeling" from my cousin's family is that they have caught it early. He has started some treatment. His chemo is in the form of a pill and he is receiving a 10-day course of radiation. At this point, everyone is feeling very comfortable that his cancer is treatable at this point and nothing is immanent by a long-shot. Good. I have shared some tears, but also laughter with my cousin. I just hope I am able to meet her needs. It feels good to have family needs returning to "normal," whatever that might be!

Update #2: We still have not heard anything about the birthmother that our profile was given to. I did e-mail our social worker and asked her how many other profiles the mother was given. We are 1:10 right now and she has not narrowed down the selection at all that we know of. She is not due until the end of July... so she still has plenty of time before a "match" needs to be made... not "decision," because the official "decision" cannot be made until 48-hours after the baby is born.

Update #3: Other than the oxymoron of posting this on my blog... We are kind of keeping this on the down-and-low... but I think we have decided to go a head and purchase some nursery furniture this coming weekend and start cleaning out our "third" bedroom. Our "third" bedroom is the room in our house that has been slated to be a nursery since we moved in. It has been the room with the door shut for the past 4-5 years. I am really getting excited about this idea. My parents are going to be here later this spring and I have this image in my head being able to show them the beginning stages of what we are working for and waiting for. I think we are ready for this... when I think about it, I am a little excited.

Everyday life remains status qua... I guess. I have Bootcamp weigh-in tomorrow morning. My weight has basically plateued which I am trying to be OK with. I just keep thinking about where I started and remind myself that I need to be happy with a 10% loss. Why do you always want something more. :) Right now... on a scale of 1-10 of being content with life... I would rank it an 7-8. Good night.

Reality Bites

I started this entry yesterday on Saturday. I accidentally hit save instead of post... but shortly after I realized that it didn't post, I realized that it needed to be updated and edited anyways.

My mind has been on overdrive again this past weekend. I had a wonderful morning yesterday. Got up and exercised, it felt really good. I relaxed around the house and took my time getting ready. I had a lunch date with my friends who is also "waiting" for their time. I really enjoyed both her and our conversation. I felt like I was "doing" something and it helped to process and share the frustrations of not knowing. Unfortunately, the rest of the afternoon is a blur. I got my haircut. Didn't make it shopping, but the urge for retail therapy is stronger than ever as I am trying to distract myself from everyday life. I am just trying to keep busy.

After lunch, I quickly called my mom... I had a message from her. She told me the biopsy results were back for my uncle. The news was not good. Originally, the news was melanoma that had spread to the bone. Since then, we have learned it is actually Multiple Myeloma -- a very different disease... still cancer, but a much more slow progression one and can be treated. They are currently trying to figure out what stage it is to decide how to treat. They are optimistic that they caught it early. At this time, I don't know much more. I called my cousin (who I talked about before... the one who is a like a sister to me), she was doing as she should under the circumstances. On top of everything, today is her birthday as well, crappy birthday to say the least and as an understatement.

My cousin just lost her mom 4 1/2 years ago... now another battle. How much can a family, let alone a person, endure? When my cousin called me the second time later in the evening... I lied again for a second time today. The first time I lied was to my mom. When I called her after lunch, she asked me if I was at home... I told her "yes," she asked me if I was telling her the truth and I said "yes" again; I knew she wouldn't want me to be by myself when she talked to me, let alone in a place where I would be driving alone. At least I had enough sense about me to park the car and just sit and listen. When my cousin called me back tonight... she asked me if Tracy was with me... I told her "no," the truth... but then I followed up with he was on his way home... I lied and didn't tell her I was also in my car driving at the time. I was just a couple of blocks from meeting Tracy and could hold myself together for that far. Why is it that I am always in my car, alone, driving when I get *news*. Those are two memories that I will always have... I remember my mom calling me one morning to tell me my grandmother had been moved to ICU and they were only going to provide comfort measures... it was just going to be a matter of time. Now, I will remember turning down the wrong dark street, driving, alone, and my cousin telling me that her dad has cancer. They are burned in my memory.

So much has been going through my head... another heartbreak... family relationships and dynamics... my mom... my dad... the future of extended family gatherings and events... T is trying to be supportive but all I want to do is be left alone... homesickness is very quickly setting in... I just want to go and be there... I am a doer... let me help! Let me help! I want to be there for them because I know the day will come that I will need them when I am dealing with my own parents mortality. I feel that when I have spoken with my cousin, I have said some really silly things to my cousin; I just keep trying to say something... here I have spent several months contemplating and complaining about some of the stupid things that people say to us... I just don't want to be one of "those" in my cousin's life. What do you say? What do you say, what do you do? My response to my cousin was "I hate being in Texas!" I hope that was good enough for now to meet her needs. At least she knows that I am just a phone call away and here for her.

One of my favorite memories of the weekend was talking to my brother. He popped through on Facebook late last night and that was fun quickly touching base with him. That was just what I needed, especially when I was feeling a little homesick and wanting to be with family under the circumstances.

Today has felt a little weird just going on with life as usual. Yesterday and all the news of the day seems a distant memory. I have run some errands. I was hoping to get things picked up around the house, but that didn't happen. I have talked to my AK, mom, cousin, and T today. Going to try to go to be early to be ready for boot camp in the morning.

Moving On...

This weekend was as good as could be expected for what we "needed" to get accomplished and for what I "wanted" to get accomplished.

Yesterday was kind of hectic and stressful just because I needed to run into work for a couple of hours that I hadn't anticipated on AND we were trying to make a visit out to FIL's new house and visit him for his birthday. We are always trying to anticipate how he will respond to things and what his demeanor and mood is going to be. It is a very stressful situation for us both and often Fil places T in the position to "choose" between him or me. T had a headache by the time we were on the road. I am sure that you will hear more about Fil in the upcoming blogs. Let me just say one of the reason's why Fil is so difficult to deal with is that he suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder. He cannot understand or rationalize the world outside of himself. When we found out that he had this personality disorder, I tried searching for information on how to deal with and communicate with people with this persona, and there was relatively little information on how to approach these people, communicate, or help them cope/deal with their disorder. It is often coupled with another psychiatric disorder, in Fil's case, it is obsessive compulsive tendencies. It was a very long day and I was spent and done with by the time we got home. I slept the last 30-40 minutes of the car ride home and we were both in bed shortly after 9:00 and asleep by 10:00. Even though it was a long a stressful day, we had some good conversation on how "we" together are going to deal with this new constant and needy figure in our life. T made me feel really good all through the day, he never shut down on me and was constantly supportive... even when he knew I had reached my limit and had been entirely pushed out of my comfort zone with Fil's conversation. That in itself was a huge improvement from how we had struggled to deal with this situation before.

Fil's health really isn't good. He has already fallen in his new house and has been advised he just needs to "stay down" for a good couple of weeks. If only that could fix everything. It really makes me thankful for my own parents health, both mentally and physically. My parents are basically the same age as Fil, but have always taken care of themselves. I am glad that we only have to focus on one aging parent right now and not having to address it from both sides.

Today, T decided that he wanted to clean out the garage and get everything organized. I was not going to get in the way. I knew that it was probably best for me not to be around the house much, because T does have a tendency to get grumpy whenever he does a "home improvement" project. One of the reasons why I fell in love with him was because he made me feel "normal." I thought that I was a perfectionist and was hard on myself... until I met him. :) I remember him saying real early on while we were dating, "Yeah, I know I anal... but that is just me." ... AND he said it smiling. It was such an epiphany for me! Someone can be anal and OK with it? It was a changing moment in my life... to say the least, the rest is history.

I was productive... touched base with my cousin (who is like a sister to me), blogged, laundry is in process, went for a run, etc. The one aspect to my day that I was kind of dreading but really wasn't too bad... I did have a baby shower to attend. Luckily, I knew many people there and could distract myself with conversation. I went out to lunch with a friend before the shower and then only stayed for ~1 hour of the shower and slipped out. Everyone was very nice and several did ask me how things were going with our adoption process. I really did appreciate that and did take advantage to talk about it. It did feel weired talking about our adoption process at someone else's baby shower... but hey, the other's asked; I also felt like they were sincere in asking, so I felt comfortable responding... I hope that's OK. I was also glad for the distraction of the conversation, because secretly (not so much now)... I was dreading this shower. My friend who is expecting... she doesn't even know this... but her due date is actually the due date we would've had if Round #2 would have succeeded.

Talk about coincidences of life. Once again, the bitter sweet irony of life is ever present. Anyways, I need to go get ready for bed. I am ready to start this week... especially when compared to last week. I am sure it will go by quickly... a lot to do at work and this coming weekend I am going to KC to spend with a good friend and endulge in a new found love of "spa day." T-5 days and counting... Good Night!