Tonight, for the first time in many years... I saw a shooting star. We were driving back into Dallas this evening from attending our Adoption Readiness Seminar. I saw this bring streak in the sky... I immediately saw it and wondered if it was a shooting star. I continued to stare it it in disbelief because, really? How can you see a shooting star in the haze and glare of the city lights. We were just south of downtown Dallas, only 30-minutes from home.
As the glow faded from the sky, and the reality that I just saw a shooting star sunk in... my heart instinctively called out it's deepest wish. "Star light. Star bright. I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight."
Do I dare entertain the thought that is was a sign? Do I dare take comfort in my dreams and wishes? Our social worker and lawyer just spent all day trying to help and teach us to accept the realities of adoption and the impact it will have in our lives until we are able to bring a child home.
I just spent another day becoming comfortable with the fact that life "is what it is." I just spent another day become more acutely aware at how unfair this process is. We cannot plan for a boy or girl. Since there is always a chance a birthmother may decide to parent, we probably should choose not to have a baby shower before we bring home our child, even if we have been "chosen." Furthermore, we will probably have to share the process of picking a name for the baby with the birthmom. We may not be able to be present for the birth of our child. We will probably not be able to be surrounded by our family and friends during the birth of our child. All of the planning, nesting, and traditions that are associated with having a baby probably will not be a part of our family story.
So much of the joy that a couple experiences with a pregnancy, we must cautiously approach and share with the birthmother as she is experiencing her own mixed emotions and grief. For many of these rituals have been bypassed in her life as well. We were even coached today to be "cautiously excited" about placement because there are too many unknown variables to this process that can lead to disappointment; that even once we have been "matched" and "chosen," the "official" and "legal" decision of the birthmother cannot be made until 48-hours after the baby's birth.
The one thing we kept hearing over and over and again and again was... you will "know" when a match is right. I couldn't help but to keep thinking of the birthmom we visited with a little over a week ago. It did feel so right and comfortable for us and I think it did for her as well. How can I convey this to our social worker that there truly was something there other than our emotions, high hopes, and excitement? I know that the birthmom is struggling with her decision, I understand it is hard. I just want her to know that we will respect and support her decision no matter what... even if she doesn't choose us. I want her to know that we are still here for her, I hope that she doesn't feel like she is alone in the process. Even if this is not our "match," I want to remember this as a positive experience to our story.
Is it all worth it. Absolutely! I just continue with the confidence and faith that knows we will have our own special moments and memories of waiting to bring our child home. Even though we are going to be missing a "life experience" that often defines a couple, I know that I am in the process of experiencing something so very special and unique myself. The longing and desire that a parent, who wants to adopt, has for a child cannot be explained unless it has been experienced firsthand. I don't know if I will ever be able to find the words to describe the humility and honor that comes with someone who can so unselfishly give another the greatest gift of all... a baby.
"Star light. Star bright. I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight." Goodnight to all... and I wish for peace fill the minds and hearts those who are struggling with very big issues and decisions in their everyday lives... especially to the birthmom who showed interest in us and renewed our family hopes for what is to come.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Update
Well... not too much is going on here. I think that we have resigned ourselves to that the birthmom from last week is going to choose the other family. We really won't know until tomorrow at the earliest; realistically, it will be more towards the end of this week (hopefully). We have resumed another week. I have continued to debate in my head... should we go ahead and buy nursery furniture or should we wait? Work continues to be work. We need to start getting the house cleaned. My FIL is coming to stay with us on Sunday night before he moves into his new house in Grandbury on Monday. We are going to be in San Antonio Friday night for a Adoption Orientation program on Saturday.
Back around the first of this month, I told my husband that I was hoping this weekend could be somewhat fun, even under the circumstances that we are working towards our adoption. I was looking forward to being "away" with him and just spending some time the two of us together. I know to many that might seem kind of silly because it is always just the two of us at the house anyways. Sometimes I feel (and know)that some of our friends (who have children) look at us like we are nuts and think we don't appreciate it just being the two of us. I am tired of hearing people say, "Enjoy it now because it will change when you have kids." I truly know that things will be different with kids. This fact has not escaped our thoughts during all our family planning efforts to say the least. One of my coping mechanisms through this process has been very intentional not to wish this time away when it is just my husband and I. But on the flip-side, it has just been us for 10-yrs now; with 5 of those years trying to grow our family.
I am not wishing our time away as a couple... I can honestly say I love being with my husband and all the time we have and had together... we are just ready and waiting to share our life and time with a child... we are ready for change in our life and to move our life into another phase. I guess when people say things like that above... I perceive they are trying to tell me to take nothing for granted... but really, with all that we have endured over the last few years... are we really taking anything for granted (rhetorical question with the answer of "no")? I feel like it is just the opposite. That when it comes to conceiving, statements that imply "don't take things for granted," and "just be patient, your time will come," do not hold much weight from those that were able to (1) conceive on their own, and (2) conceive within a reasonable amount of time. From my corner of the world, when it comes to having a child... do they really understand the power of those statements themselves?
Because of this chain of thoughts that has no end, I started thinking about what makes "going away" so special and different. As I am contemplating this issue, the answer dawns on me, not so subtly, as I hear our washer down the hall becoming unbalanced. We need to "go away" from the routine of everyday life and not have to temporarily worry about paying bills, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, laundry, are we good enough for the birthmother, etc. Everyone needs to "go away," even if they are single, as a couple, by themselves, or as a family. Why people immediately jump to the assumption that we have all this "quality" time together since we are childless... I really don't know. The purpose of "going away" is no different for anyone with wherever they are at in life. Everyone needs it for rejuvenation, relaxation... peace of mind. Everyone deserves to get away from their everyday life. I am now smiling as I am thinking about our 24-hours away from our everyday life... it will be worth it. :)
Back around the first of this month, I told my husband that I was hoping this weekend could be somewhat fun, even under the circumstances that we are working towards our adoption. I was looking forward to being "away" with him and just spending some time the two of us together. I know to many that might seem kind of silly because it is always just the two of us at the house anyways. Sometimes I feel (and know)that some of our friends (who have children) look at us like we are nuts and think we don't appreciate it just being the two of us. I am tired of hearing people say, "Enjoy it now because it will change when you have kids." I truly know that things will be different with kids. This fact has not escaped our thoughts during all our family planning efforts to say the least. One of my coping mechanisms through this process has been very intentional not to wish this time away when it is just my husband and I. But on the flip-side, it has just been us for 10-yrs now; with 5 of those years trying to grow our family.
I am not wishing our time away as a couple... I can honestly say I love being with my husband and all the time we have and had together... we are just ready and waiting to share our life and time with a child... we are ready for change in our life and to move our life into another phase. I guess when people say things like that above... I perceive they are trying to tell me to take nothing for granted... but really, with all that we have endured over the last few years... are we really taking anything for granted (rhetorical question with the answer of "no")? I feel like it is just the opposite. That when it comes to conceiving, statements that imply "don't take things for granted," and "just be patient, your time will come," do not hold much weight from those that were able to (1) conceive on their own, and (2) conceive within a reasonable amount of time. From my corner of the world, when it comes to having a child... do they really understand the power of those statements themselves?
Because of this chain of thoughts that has no end, I started thinking about what makes "going away" so special and different. As I am contemplating this issue, the answer dawns on me, not so subtly, as I hear our washer down the hall becoming unbalanced. We need to "go away" from the routine of everyday life and not have to temporarily worry about paying bills, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, laundry, are we good enough for the birthmother, etc. Everyone needs to "go away," even if they are single, as a couple, by themselves, or as a family. Why people immediately jump to the assumption that we have all this "quality" time together since we are childless... I really don't know. The purpose of "going away" is no different for anyone with wherever they are at in life. Everyone needs it for rejuvenation, relaxation... peace of mind. Everyone deserves to get away from their everyday life. I am now smiling as I am thinking about our 24-hours away from our everyday life... it will be worth it. :)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Everyday Life
OK , today started out rough, very rough. One of the challenging aspects of trying to start our family, is that life goes on. We continue with the stress of work in our lives... we continue with the stress of family politics in our lives... we continue with the stress of our daily budget... we continue with all of our daily commitments... we continue with the stress of keeping ourselves healthy. Life continues as "normal," but you have added another element that needs to be balanced, not to mention that it also affects all of the above areas. You are still trying to focus on work, while having to take phone calls from the social worker. You are still trying to focus on each other on the weekend during down-time, but another family member is (in-laws) competing for your time and oblivious to the the life that you have with each other.
Another example of the double edged sword of this process is presented when people are ask us if we are getting our nursery together. It's a "fun" and simple question that is asked. I understand people are asking because they want to share in our excitement and be supportive, which really is appreciated. However, as simple as the question might be, it is difficult for us to answer. We aren't really sure if we are ready to get the nursery around for a couple of reasons. First, the emotional question of, "do we really want an fully furnished nursery "ready-to-go" if there is a possibility for it to be "empty" for another 18+ months before we receive a placement of a child? Secondly, we face the practical question of, "do we really have any extra money our budget while we are paying monthly towards our agency's adoption fees?" On the other hand, we could possibly only have a couple of weeks notice... do we want to be scrambling around in those two weeks trying to get ready for everything? Neither of us really perform well under pressure. Ahh, the pros and cons to everything. :) It seems that everything to this process has both an exciting, sweet side and a realistic, bitter side at the exact same time.
It's also a scary thought of all the money we are having to spend when the economy is not in a good place. All we continue to hear is save, save, save. Because of where we are at in our "everyday life," we are spending. As a compromise, we went out to "window shop" today. We went to see if could find anything that we liked, that was gender neutral, and reasonably priced. We first went to a consignment store, then to Target, and then lastly to Babies R Us. Once again, this was a surreal experience because we were probably the only couple in the store not pregnant, and with really no deadline or due date to work towards. At the end of the day, we did find something we liked and wrote down the prices. Next on my agenda for this evening is to budget in yet another itemized category.
Words of advice often tell you to minimize and simplify... we have minimized a lot over the last several years... however, when will the simplifying part will come? I have no idea. We have sold a car. I stepped down from my Clinical Coordinator position and turned down a potential opportunity for an Assistant Director position. We have had to bypass travel opportunities. We really couldn't entertain the idea of relocating closer back our hometowns. Our current house is not fully furnished. I guess that how you wold describe the glass as 1/2 empty. One of the difficulties with infertility and adoption is that a majority of people don't see the sacrifices that a family must endure. Because it is life as usual, the challenges that you face during this time are often silent and hidden behind the scenes.
Would I refer to my everyday life as 1/2 empty? No, despite everything, I still truthfully consider our life to be at least 1/2 full, if not more. We have grown so much, both personally and as a couple. Every decision that we are making is very intentional and purposeful. We have been able to maintain some flexibility with our daily job schedules to pursue infertility and adoption without having to take too much personally time off. We probably have stayed closer in touch with our families because our "vacation" time is spent with them. We have grown closer to many friends; we have gained new friendships. Our communication skills have become better with each other. We are much better at budgeting our finances. We have remained true to ourselves and what is important in our lives. We have continued to find laughter and focus on that in our lives. That is the bottom line and the most important to us... laughter has never felt better and I will always remember how wonderful it felt, especially during this "thirty-something" phase of our lives.
Another example of the double edged sword of this process is presented when people are ask us if we are getting our nursery together. It's a "fun" and simple question that is asked. I understand people are asking because they want to share in our excitement and be supportive, which really is appreciated. However, as simple as the question might be, it is difficult for us to answer. We aren't really sure if we are ready to get the nursery around for a couple of reasons. First, the emotional question of, "do we really want an fully furnished nursery "ready-to-go" if there is a possibility for it to be "empty" for another 18+ months before we receive a placement of a child? Secondly, we face the practical question of, "do we really have any extra money our budget while we are paying monthly towards our agency's adoption fees?" On the other hand, we could possibly only have a couple of weeks notice... do we want to be scrambling around in those two weeks trying to get ready for everything? Neither of us really perform well under pressure. Ahh, the pros and cons to everything. :) It seems that everything to this process has both an exciting, sweet side and a realistic, bitter side at the exact same time.
It's also a scary thought of all the money we are having to spend when the economy is not in a good place. All we continue to hear is save, save, save. Because of where we are at in our "everyday life," we are spending. As a compromise, we went out to "window shop" today. We went to see if could find anything that we liked, that was gender neutral, and reasonably priced. We first went to a consignment store, then to Target, and then lastly to Babies R Us. Once again, this was a surreal experience because we were probably the only couple in the store not pregnant, and with really no deadline or due date to work towards. At the end of the day, we did find something we liked and wrote down the prices. Next on my agenda for this evening is to budget in yet another itemized category.
Words of advice often tell you to minimize and simplify... we have minimized a lot over the last several years... however, when will the simplifying part will come? I have no idea. We have sold a car. I stepped down from my Clinical Coordinator position and turned down a potential opportunity for an Assistant Director position. We have had to bypass travel opportunities. We really couldn't entertain the idea of relocating closer back our hometowns. Our current house is not fully furnished. I guess that how you wold describe the glass as 1/2 empty. One of the difficulties with infertility and adoption is that a majority of people don't see the sacrifices that a family must endure. Because it is life as usual, the challenges that you face during this time are often silent and hidden behind the scenes.
Would I refer to my everyday life as 1/2 empty? No, despite everything, I still truthfully consider our life to be at least 1/2 full, if not more. We have grown so much, both personally and as a couple. Every decision that we are making is very intentional and purposeful. We have been able to maintain some flexibility with our daily job schedules to pursue infertility and adoption without having to take too much personally time off. We probably have stayed closer in touch with our families because our "vacation" time is spent with them. We have grown closer to many friends; we have gained new friendships. Our communication skills have become better with each other. We are much better at budgeting our finances. We have remained true to ourselves and what is important in our lives. We have continued to find laughter and focus on that in our lives. That is the bottom line and the most important to us... laughter has never felt better and I will always remember how wonderful it felt, especially during this "thirty-something" phase of our lives.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Next Step? Still Waiting.
Well... I had reality check today. I could tell that my hopes were raising despite my efforts to contain a dose of reality. I e-mailed our social worker this morning and told her that we were getting our hopes up, and knew it was premature. She gave me a return phone call later in the day and told us the birthmom that we spoke with is meeting with the other family (in person) on this coming Wed. I could just tell by the tone of the social worker's voice that we were choice #2 and the other family was choice #1. My head knows that this is OK, this is to be expected, and that I am "fine." But, my heart tells me different. I am glad to have a date in my head of what is happening when so I don't spend the next 5 days daydreaming of "what if."
This was also a moment that this experience moved from being surreal to very real. Even though I was trying very hard to keep my feet on the ground and my emotions in check... I realized they were much higher than I was admitting after the phone; as always, denial can be a very powerful force. After I got off the phone, I just stared with a blank mind and heart at my computer screen. I felt immediately grounded upon the words, "she is meeting with the other family in person next week." Our social worker immediately reassured us that decisions are still being made and you never know, but just to sit tight and wait. But, really? What else is there to do other than wait?
After talking with her and as the quiet of my office filled around me, the next question that came to my mind was, how much longer do we just have to keep going and refer to everything as status quo? It is strange knowing that today is just another day like yesterday, and tomorrow will be just like today... but at the same time... in the back of our minds (or more realistically, at the front or our minds), we know a phone call can come at any moment and our lives will be forever changed. We are anxiously waiting for the day in which the next day will be never the same again. For us, we will not have 9-months waiting, preparing, and expecting our life to change... for us, it will change instantaneously in a 24-hour window. That is what we have to be ready for. We are so ready... I just continue to hope and pray that it will be sooner than later. I am nervous to how long my emotions will be able to ride this roller coaster; can my emotions really take another + or - 18 months of this? Since we really don't have any other choice, we wait and go through every day life as usual.
Tonight is not the night, but one of the things that I want to explore with this blog is the different perspectives and opinions that this journey has brought into our life. Yes, life isn't fair... but at the same time I am so excited because I know that parenthood is going to be so much sweeter for us and never be taken for granted. I really want to document both sides of the "birth" of our family... both the bitter and sweet... for me, I know that I need to acknowledge the bitter to realize and truly appreciate how sweet life can be.
This was also a moment that this experience moved from being surreal to very real. Even though I was trying very hard to keep my feet on the ground and my emotions in check... I realized they were much higher than I was admitting after the phone; as always, denial can be a very powerful force. After I got off the phone, I just stared with a blank mind and heart at my computer screen. I felt immediately grounded upon the words, "she is meeting with the other family in person next week." Our social worker immediately reassured us that decisions are still being made and you never know, but just to sit tight and wait. But, really? What else is there to do other than wait?
After talking with her and as the quiet of my office filled around me, the next question that came to my mind was, how much longer do we just have to keep going and refer to everything as status quo? It is strange knowing that today is just another day like yesterday, and tomorrow will be just like today... but at the same time... in the back of our minds (or more realistically, at the front or our minds), we know a phone call can come at any moment and our lives will be forever changed. We are anxiously waiting for the day in which the next day will be never the same again. For us, we will not have 9-months waiting, preparing, and expecting our life to change... for us, it will change instantaneously in a 24-hour window. That is what we have to be ready for. We are so ready... I just continue to hope and pray that it will be sooner than later. I am nervous to how long my emotions will be able to ride this roller coaster; can my emotions really take another + or - 18 months of this? Since we really don't have any other choice, we wait and go through every day life as usual.
Tonight is not the night, but one of the things that I want to explore with this blog is the different perspectives and opinions that this journey has brought into our life. Yes, life isn't fair... but at the same time I am so excited because I know that parenthood is going to be so much sweeter for us and never be taken for granted. I really want to document both sides of the "birth" of our family... both the bitter and sweet... for me, I know that I need to acknowledge the bitter to realize and truly appreciate how sweet life can be.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Next Step
Well... we visited with a potential birth mom today. We talked with her on the phone for over an hour. We both feel that the coversation went really well. We didn't know what to expect. Our social worker gave us a little cheat sheet on what are good things to talk about and what we can't talk about. The potential birthmom asked about what we do, what we are interested in. What were our expectations of contact after placement. What were our ideas about home schooling, public school, and private school. She wanted to know that the child would have plenty of opportunities but also wanted to be reassured that the child wouldn't be pressured to do or be anything they didn't want to do or be.
I asked her if she has a favorite childhood memory or ejoyed something in particular that she wanted the child to do as well. She answered Vacation Bible School -- she always remembers having so much fun and looked forward to it every year. She said that it was important that a family have some faith influences in their background, but at the same time she didn't want the family life to be so conservative that the child would be "too sheltered." She was very articulate about her situation and was able to voice her plans for the future; I was very impressed with her composure. She seemed to have everything well thought out. I know this is just a next step in the process... but it is hard not to get too excited.
The logical side of me keeps repeating... this is just good practice... you could have a dozen more interviews before a match and placement is made... but at the same time, I can't but help to be excited because the coversation went so well and it seemed like we had a lot in common. The conversation went so much better than I could have ever anticipated.
Stay tuned... as we continue to wait for the next step.
I asked her if she has a favorite childhood memory or ejoyed something in particular that she wanted the child to do as well. She answered Vacation Bible School -- she always remembers having so much fun and looked forward to it every year. She said that it was important that a family have some faith influences in their background, but at the same time she didn't want the family life to be so conservative that the child would be "too sheltered." She was very articulate about her situation and was able to voice her plans for the future; I was very impressed with her composure. She seemed to have everything well thought out. I know this is just a next step in the process... but it is hard not to get too excited.
The logical side of me keeps repeating... this is just good practice... you could have a dozen more interviews before a match and placement is made... but at the same time, I can't but help to be excited because the coversation went so well and it seemed like we had a lot in common. The conversation went so much better than I could have ever anticipated.
Stay tuned... as we continue to wait for the next step.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Wow!
Today was a day to remember. Today is a day that needs to be documented as a part of our adoption story. I am so tired that I can hardly think right now. At about 4:25 this afternoon, I received a phone call from our social worker. A birthmom had viewed our profile and wants a phone interview with us! We are 1:2 couples she is considering. Our social worker, Melissa, told us a little about the birthmom's story and needs. Melissa told us the birthmom liked us because we are young and don't have any children. What a rush of emotion and thoughts just flooded my mind.
"Wow! "Wow!" "Whoa!"
"Wait! Don't get too excited! This is just the next step. Don't start dreaming yet." "Too late, I am already dreaming and smiling."
"Wow!" "Wow!" "Whoa!"
At the same time, my mind was racing about how maternity coverage would work as that has not been decided yet. Who should we tell? Should we not tell just yet until we have more information? I started thinking about we have absolutely nothing for a baby right now. What about furniture? What about diapers? Images of me holding a baby... images of my husband holding a baby were clearly in my mind. What are we going to say to the birthmom when we talk to her? Will it be awkward? Will we click and match? I hope that she will be able to hear the excitement in our voices. Wow! Wow! Too late, I am already dreaming... even though it is only a phone interview... it still does not feel real that this process has started and is moving so quickly. I am almost afraid it is moving too quickly, but at the same time I am also afraid that it will slow down. I just keep reminding myself to take one day at a time... just like we have through this entire process of waiting for our family to grow.
Tomorrow is a new day... and I will have more information then. For now, I need a good night's sleep and I am excited to awake refreshed and relaxed for what tomorrow is going to bring.
"Wow! "Wow!" "Whoa!"
"Wait! Don't get too excited! This is just the next step. Don't start dreaming yet." "Too late, I am already dreaming and smiling."
"Wow!" "Wow!" "Whoa!"
At the same time, my mind was racing about how maternity coverage would work as that has not been decided yet. Who should we tell? Should we not tell just yet until we have more information? I started thinking about we have absolutely nothing for a baby right now. What about furniture? What about diapers? Images of me holding a baby... images of my husband holding a baby were clearly in my mind. What are we going to say to the birthmom when we talk to her? Will it be awkward? Will we click and match? I hope that she will be able to hear the excitement in our voices. Wow! Wow! Too late, I am already dreaming... even though it is only a phone interview... it still does not feel real that this process has started and is moving so quickly. I am almost afraid it is moving too quickly, but at the same time I am also afraid that it will slow down. I just keep reminding myself to take one day at a time... just like we have through this entire process of waiting for our family to grow.
Tomorrow is a new day... and I will have more information then. For now, I need a good night's sleep and I am excited to awake refreshed and relaxed for what tomorrow is going to bring.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Ladybug, Ladybug
I really wish that I had some more time tonight to blog. I had a really good conversation with a long-time friend about everything in her life and mine over the past couple of years. It was long overdue. It was nice just sitting in Starbucks, sipping on my Green Tea just visiting, listening, and talking to each other. I really wish that I had more time to focus on relationships like that in our life. As I have said a couple of times previously, where does the time go?
Anyways, just a quick note on my profile picture that I added today. As I have been researching adoption resources, I kept noticing that many references had a ladybug pictured. I finally "googled" for my answer tonight. From my "internet" research and resources, I learned that in the Chinese culture, the ladybug is considered to bring good luck. At one time, the referrals and people seeking to adopt babies and children from China slowed. Sometime later, there was a insurgence and return of the ladybug to China. Shortly after this reemergence of the bug, adoptions also increased. Therefore, the connection and relationship with the ladybug was to wish one luck in their adoption of a child from China. Since then, the use of the ladybug has grown to symbolize well wishes during an adoption process. That was a touching story and symbol to me, and that is why I decided to include it to my blog. Now, I am sure there is probably more to the story... or maybe the information above is not all that accurate, but what I information gleaned from the internet made me SMILE :) and touched my heart tonight. Because of that, I wanted this symbol to become present in our lives and adoption story.
Anyways, just a quick note on my profile picture that I added today. As I have been researching adoption resources, I kept noticing that many references had a ladybug pictured. I finally "googled" for my answer tonight. From my "internet" research and resources, I learned that in the Chinese culture, the ladybug is considered to bring good luck. At one time, the referrals and people seeking to adopt babies and children from China slowed. Sometime later, there was a insurgence and return of the ladybug to China. Shortly after this reemergence of the bug, adoptions also increased. Therefore, the connection and relationship with the ladybug was to wish one luck in their adoption of a child from China. Since then, the use of the ladybug has grown to symbolize well wishes during an adoption process. That was a touching story and symbol to me, and that is why I decided to include it to my blog. Now, I am sure there is probably more to the story... or maybe the information above is not all that accurate, but what I information gleaned from the internet made me SMILE :) and touched my heart tonight. Because of that, I wanted this symbol to become present in our lives and adoption story.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Another Birthday :)
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 33. It was a fun filled day with family and many laughs. I really couldn't have asked for a better birthday. Turning 30 didn't phase me, it was just another year. Turning 31 did make me cringe a little... Turning 32 was difficult for me. Where is the time going? Despite time flying by too quickly, how come do I feel "stuck" in life? It is this chain of thoughts over the past year that has made me come to understand and appreciate the phrase "thirty-something."
Each phase of your life is intended to move you forward to another phase. For example, graduation from high school is leading you to your first entry-level job or college. Graduation from college leads you to your first "professional" job as you start a "career." Throughout your twenties, you are establishing your life, your possessions, your career, and your independence. You are "on your own." Once you are established, what's next? For me, it was basically my thirties and time keeps going by too quickly. I am currently at a time in my life where I am trying to figure out where my 30s are taking me.
As I mentioned in my introduction, I consider myself to be a positive person. I know and realize that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I have a wonderful marriage and husband. I love our first home we bought together. I never imagined I would own multiple pets (2 cats, 1 dog), I love them all dearly because they make me smile & laugh on a daily basis. We both have stable and good jobs. We have wonderful friends and a very active social life. We have many friends that are as close as family. I am also lucky that I consider many of my family members to be some of my best friends. I (we) cannot complain about our life, we are very fortunate.
We are very content and satisfied with our life. We work at not trying to wish time away. However, we do realize that is one thing that is missing from our lives... our "own" family and children. We would not change anything in our lives, nor would we change any of the decisions we have made along the way to reach this period of our lives of "thirty-something." We just know how much a child would enhance our daily life.
That is why I decided to start my blog. We have endured a 5-year course of trying to conceive and fertility treatments that resulted in the outcome that we are not fertile. We pursued fertility treatments through 2-rounds of IVF. Our last round was last August. We started the adoption process in October of 2008 and were officially on the list as of the first week of January 2009. I guess you could say that we are "expecting" and that we are "pregnant." It seems so weird. It feels so surreal that it is only a matter of time that our dream of becoming parents becomes true.
The purpose of this blog has several purposes. First and most importantly, I want to chronicle our adoption process. This is our pregnancy. I want a journal of events during this time to help our child know how we are eagerly and anxiously waited for them. Secondly, this blog is also going to be a reflection on where we have been. Afterall, it is hard to understand where you are at in the present without knowing the past. Finally, I also want to speak about how to we have coped through our years of infertility and entered this "thirty-something" phase of our life in the hopes that it might help someone else.
My disclaimer to this blog is it is not intended to dwell in the past. It is not intended to regret what might have been. It is not intended to wonder and daydream "what if." It is intended to be positive and provide information on how to keep moving forward. I welcome all comments, questions, discussion, opinions and feedback. My only rule is that it must be constructive. Life isn't always fair, but that is OK. :)
Each phase of your life is intended to move you forward to another phase. For example, graduation from high school is leading you to your first entry-level job or college. Graduation from college leads you to your first "professional" job as you start a "career." Throughout your twenties, you are establishing your life, your possessions, your career, and your independence. You are "on your own." Once you are established, what's next? For me, it was basically my thirties and time keeps going by too quickly. I am currently at a time in my life where I am trying to figure out where my 30s are taking me.
As I mentioned in my introduction, I consider myself to be a positive person. I know and realize that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I have a wonderful marriage and husband. I love our first home we bought together. I never imagined I would own multiple pets (2 cats, 1 dog), I love them all dearly because they make me smile & laugh on a daily basis. We both have stable and good jobs. We have wonderful friends and a very active social life. We have many friends that are as close as family. I am also lucky that I consider many of my family members to be some of my best friends. I (we) cannot complain about our life, we are very fortunate.
We are very content and satisfied with our life. We work at not trying to wish time away. However, we do realize that is one thing that is missing from our lives... our "own" family and children. We would not change anything in our lives, nor would we change any of the decisions we have made along the way to reach this period of our lives of "thirty-something." We just know how much a child would enhance our daily life.
That is why I decided to start my blog. We have endured a 5-year course of trying to conceive and fertility treatments that resulted in the outcome that we are not fertile. We pursued fertility treatments through 2-rounds of IVF. Our last round was last August. We started the adoption process in October of 2008 and were officially on the list as of the first week of January 2009. I guess you could say that we are "expecting" and that we are "pregnant." It seems so weird. It feels so surreal that it is only a matter of time that our dream of becoming parents becomes true.
The purpose of this blog has several purposes. First and most importantly, I want to chronicle our adoption process. This is our pregnancy. I want a journal of events during this time to help our child know how we are eagerly and anxiously waited for them. Secondly, this blog is also going to be a reflection on where we have been. Afterall, it is hard to understand where you are at in the present without knowing the past. Finally, I also want to speak about how to we have coped through our years of infertility and entered this "thirty-something" phase of our life in the hopes that it might help someone else.
My disclaimer to this blog is it is not intended to dwell in the past. It is not intended to regret what might have been. It is not intended to wonder and daydream "what if." It is intended to be positive and provide information on how to keep moving forward. I welcome all comments, questions, discussion, opinions and feedback. My only rule is that it must be constructive. Life isn't always fair, but that is OK. :)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Introduction
OK. Here I am... where to begin? I had this desire and interest to start this blog a month or two ago. I discussed it with my brother and he was very supportive... and guess who got their blog up first? Yes, it was my brother. After talking with him again tonight... I decided that I just needed to take the plunge. I am not a very adventurous person, and I do have to admit that I was a little concerned about "putting myself out there." Do I really want people to know some of my inner thoughts and feelings? A lot has gone on in my life over the past few years... I feel like I have learned a lot and have a lot to share with others.
I consider myself to be a fairly outgoing person, but even though I am outgoing... I know a lot of people would consider me to be a very private and reserved when it comes to talking about myself. It is very difficult for me to talk about myself... I can share silly stories, situations, opinions, and participate in conversation very easily... but when it comes to questions like: "What's new?" "Tell me about your job," "What have you been up to?" I really don't know how to respond. In other words, I can pretty much talk about anything else but myself.
With all that has gone on over the last couple of years, I have had to make a conscientious effort to "inform" and tell others what is going on... but one thing I have learned... there is a difference between "telling" and "informing" what is going versus "discussing" and sharing. I have also learned that there is something very liberating in being very open with people when they ask "How are you doing?" ... especially when it isn't the "typical" answer they are expecting.
As of now... I am doing "fine." I am at "home" I grew up in for my birthday. It was a very hectic day at work... but I am feeling productive. I am really looking forward to a weekend with my family and those who have known and supported my my whole life.
I consider myself to be a fairly outgoing person, but even though I am outgoing... I know a lot of people would consider me to be a very private and reserved when it comes to talking about myself. It is very difficult for me to talk about myself... I can share silly stories, situations, opinions, and participate in conversation very easily... but when it comes to questions like: "What's new?" "Tell me about your job," "What have you been up to?" I really don't know how to respond. In other words, I can pretty much talk about anything else but myself.
With all that has gone on over the last couple of years, I have had to make a conscientious effort to "inform" and tell others what is going on... but one thing I have learned... there is a difference between "telling" and "informing" what is going versus "discussing" and sharing. I have also learned that there is something very liberating in being very open with people when they ask "How are you doing?" ... especially when it isn't the "typical" answer they are expecting.
As of now... I am doing "fine." I am at "home" I grew up in for my birthday. It was a very hectic day at work... but I am feeling productive. I am really looking forward to a weekend with my family and those who have known and supported my my whole life.
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