Random Thoughts

As always, I know that I am long overdue for a post. Everyday life just continues with us. Sometimes I feel I am just observing life or that I am on a merry-go-round each day. It is fun most of the time... but after a while it can get old.

T and I had a wonderful time this past weekend. We traveled to Wichita Falls with 13 other youth from our church. We had a little retreat with them and completed the program "Generation Change" from Dave Ramsay. It was just so refreshing to be with the teens. They are just *so in the moment* with basically no worries about tomorrow, or even Monday for that matter. It was so good to see T smile from ear to ear at the randomness of teens. I will just remember being in that big white passenger van listening to the youth sing at the tops of their lungs to the radio. Another observation from the weekend is how quickly a van full of teens starts to smell of feet. It was LOL funny to find a toothbrush on the floor next to a backpack, but the baseball hat of the same owner is carefully placed up out of the way to avoid being smashed. It was a boost to the ego when T and I could chime in on an "inside" joke of some boys and completely take them by surprise by knowing what they were talking about. We were asked, "So, you've seen Role Models?!?" ... to which I matter of fact stated "yes," smiled, and left it at that. Finally, I did have a moment of aging when I realized that the Freshmen we were spending the weekend with were born in the year that I graduated from high school! Wow! It really doesn't feel like 15-years ago when I was doing the exact same things they were with my youth group.

On that note, realizing how fast the last 15-years of my life have gone by... then realizing how fast the first 10-years of my marriage have gone by... and saddened by how I feel like I have lost the last 5-years of my life... makes it hard not regress into feeling stuck because we still just continue to wait. At the same time, I try to focus on the things that make me happy. I am very, very proud of the life that T and I have established together. I find comfort in my everyday routine. I love my bootcamp and yoga through a local non-profit organization. I love my little local cross-stitch shop. I love being efficient running errands around town. I like being independent and on our own with our own life. I love all of the relationships and friendships we have.

I did hear back from our social worker and right now our profile is being viewed by 2 or 3 different mothers. I really have no details at all around these mothers. I keep telling myself that is OK, and I am comfortable with having reassurance that this process is "working" and "moving along," relatively speaking. I keep reminding myself that we are only 4-months on the waiting list, we are still early in this process. Right now, I keep referencing that this process, on average, lasts ~18-months. Sometimes longer... sometimes shorter. I have also stopped trying to explain the process or answer, "have you heard anything?" I just politely say, "No, we are just waiting. There is really not much else we can do besides wait." ... and then I give a little smile. How can you explain others that we are right where we should be with the process with just waiting and not knowing too much; technically, we really can't complain and I have decided that I am OK with that. :)

Hmmm... what else is going on? I really need to finalize our taxes, I have never procrastinated getting our taxes done as much, as I have this year. I don't know why because we aren't going to owe anything this year because of all the medical expenses last year associated with the IVF. I really need to get on that... ahh... but all the more things to find and distract myself with.

Also, I am really excited for this weekend. My parents are coming into town for Easter. I am ready for some family time. T and I really mirror a lot of how we approach life after them. They really are our rock, especially in comparison with all the drama and dysfunction on the other side. They are so supportive and interested in us, everyone needs and deserves that kind of support in their life. T and I both enjoy just relaxing, playing cards, completing puzzles, antiquing, and shopping with them. Even thought they are both "busy" people always on the go, we thoroughly enjoy being on the go with them.

Finally, I am making some progress in thinking outside of my "normal" daily job duties and routine on how I can "spice" up my "work" right now, instead of just waiting for our baby to come. I have been nominated to be president elect of my local professional organization, I am thinking about restarting some private practice opportunities again after work, and I am really excited about some of the continuing education programs that I have found. The CEUs are not as cheap as I would like, but I think they are going to be very, very worthwhile and I am excited about furthering my advanced practice skills. Now, the trick is just being very, very careful and finding the time to thoroughly implement, and implement well, all that I want to do.

Right now I think one of the major coping mechanisms for me is to keep busy. I cannot complain because I have *plenty* to keep myself busy with. I continue to thoroughly enjoy my bootcamp and yoga practice... I know that the only way that I can accomplish all that I want to do is continue to take care of myself and T first.

I guess that is it for my life right now. As always, thank you for your continual support in our lives. You do make a difference to us. :) Good Night.

Power Song

PS -- I am needing to find a "power song" to have when I am running and using my IPOD/Nike+ programs that will "pump-me-up." Does anyone have any good suggestions? I like country music, 80's (especially Bon Jovi) music when exercising, and more rock/pop types of music. Just wondering. Thanks!!

About Me

Yesterday... I decided I would go running. Yes, running for "pleasure" or rather exercise. Our elliptical broke a week ago. After we finished with our rounds of infertility... I made a commitment to myself to get some of this extra weight off that had gradually developed over the last 5+ years. Through the course of hormone treatments, I had probably gained ~15-20#; I had probably gained ~5-10# in the first 5 years before our treatments.

Initially I was a little self-conscience of my need and desire to lose weight because I am a dietitian by career and have an exercise physiology degree. I was also afraid of trying to lose weight and failing... What if the weight wouldn't come off? So in my subconscious way of doing things... I just decided that I would get "healthy" and "active" again. I decided that if I just exercised regularly again and got back "in-shape," then I could be happy. I needed to focus on myself. I can honestly say that it has been probably at least 10-years since I had routinely and regularly exercised. I have exercised intermittently, exercised for stress; but nothing on a regular basis. Life really had a hold of me. I was letting life dictate to me what I could and couldn't do... exercise and taking care of myself was one of those aspects... "I just didn't have time."

Well, after things didn't work out last fall... I had it. I was focused and determined to regain back something I didn't even know I had lost. In September, I quietly signed-up for a "boot camp" through a local non-profit agency that meets M-W-F morning at the local high school. It is essentially circuit training. With free weights, resistance training, conditioning, aerobic fitness, etc. Well, the changes in myself are unbelievable. I have lost ~15-17# to date, 1" from each arm, ~2 inches from my waist, ~2" from my hips. Wow! I still cannot believe it. I have just been regularly exercising and counting my calories.

It has been hard work, because because it needed to happen, and because I was ready and open to change in my life... it has actually been easier than I would have ever imagined. My next step is keeping it off, and I would actually like to see if I can get another 10# off. I am not going to obsess about it, but rather just focus on how good I feel.

Everything this past year feels so surreal, both the good and the bad. I cannot believe how much we have endured and handled on an everyday basis. As I am looking to the future (vs. just day-to-day) for the first time in a long time... I am become more goal oriented again. One of the things that I am contemplating is possibly trying to do a 5 or 10 K possibly? Even when I was participating in organized sports and activities as a kid and through high school, I never considered myself to be athletic; especially since I have always hated, yes, hated to run.

I amazed myself yesterday, I completed a 3.3 mile path -- ran 2.3 miles (walked 0.6 miles, ran 1.8 miles, walked 0.5 miles, ran 0.5 miles). Thanks to the technology of Nike+, I know that I averaged ~12 min/mile while walking and ran at about ~9 min/mile pace. I truly amazed myself, and that in itself feels so good. But now that I am in my early to mid thirties, I am surprising myself by saying that "I can be," or rather, "I am athletic." I am learning that I like variety of activities. I am learning that I like to sweat. I am learning again that I am strong, both physically and mentally. :) I think the bottom line is that I need and want to define myself in a new ways. My desire to get back "in shape" can manifest itself on many different levels and serve as a metaphor in so many different ways.