Moving On... Running On?

I had a wonderful weekend. When I got home from work on Friday, it was a beautiful evening out, so I decided that I would try to go running again. I had stopped running for awhile because my shin splints were acting up. It felt good to be outside again and doing something that I have really never been able to do before activity wise. I pretty much ran a 5 K (3.3 miles)... in 32:52 minutes. Only, 0.5 miles of that was walked. After that, we had a nice relaxing night around the house, played some more Wii... I just can't seem to beat Tracy's Wii Age!

This weekend was one filled with friends and good conversation. Through my conversations this weekend... I came to the realization that the road of infertility and adoption is inherently isolating and lonely -- You DO NOT make it lonely and isolating, that is just how it is. Quite often during this time, I have blamed myself for some of the loneliness and isolation -- sometimes I feel as though I have the plague -- people feel awkward and uncomfortable around us because they don't know what to say, so there is some avoidance there. It makes you wonder: "Have I volunteered too much information to friends?" "Would it have been better to keep our struggles a secret?" I finally realized, that because of this process becomes all consuming of your life... you are tired, drained, and emotionally exhausted... you do lose contact with friends. Not intentionally and not all at once, but relationships slowly become a casualty to this long journey. Despite how tired you are, it is so important to keep reaching out and maintain friendships... the trick is learning which friendships will fill your cup. T and I learned a long time ago that we could not do this alone and by ourselves... that was just a recipe for disaster and bitterness.

At times, it has been frustrating for me to constantly put myself out there, constantly make plans with friends to maintain support and connections, constantly reassure others that we are "OK" and "enduring"... it is just one more thing to balance and that requires energy. It often feels like a one-way journey and path you are on... you keep looking for someone else on the same road... but they are so hard to find and very few and far in between. However, I knew that if we were to crawl into a lonely, isolated hole... we would not be able to focus on the "sweetness" at the end of this "bitter" pathways; we would probably also not be able to find our way out. We have continued to reach out to others to help us continue to see the "hope" at the end of the road. "It's tough," is such an understatement.

Anyways... as usual, long story made longer... I feel really fortunate that I have been able to find *GOOD* friends. I have been able to find those who do understand and do know what it is like to be lonely and isolated. Thank you to A... you help me "find and use my words" to express myself during this time -- you have helped me to find my voice and thoughts again. Thank you to J... for making me feel like a valued friend in your life, you give me so much, I hope I give you 1/2 as much as well. Thank you to L... a new friendship that has recently been formed because we did find each other on the same lonely road. It is days like this past Saturday and Sunday that completely refuel me to face the challenging decisions... and passing of time ahead of us.