Sharing...

OK... first let me try to explain what an "open" adoption is. Open adoption just really refers to all the information that is exchanged prior to the adoption and placement. Health histories, etc. In our case -- we exchanged web based e-mail address and cell phone numbers. I exchanged quite of few e-mails and texts with the birthmom before the baby's arrival. With open adoption, there is also the possibility of face-to-face interaction if desired by all people involved. In our case, we were lucky enough that the birthmom volunteered and invited us to come to a couple of her sonograms. It was a very bitter-sweet experience, but I am glad that we had that opportunity. Our sonogram visits are another story, for another blog, another day.

After the placement and after the birthmom relinquishes her rights... there is no "legal" biding obligation to continue communication. Ongoing contact is based more on a good faith agreement and need. Ongoing contact and communication can be direct between families... or it can also be facilitated through the adoption agency. As of now, ours is direct... but will probably shift to facilitated through the agency at some point in time. This is just what worked for us based on everyone involved. I am not sure if we would have this much "direct" contact had we been placed with one of the other birthmom's we had visited with during the previous 18-months.

As much as I am proud of the relationship we have established with our birthmom... at sometimes it makes me nervous because you do not know what the future holds, or how some people might change. Sometimes, T and I have had conversations discussing that it feels like we adopted the birthmom and birthfather, with our baby. These are just our emotions... not how it is. Our agency did a wonderful job of trying to coach and teach the birthmom's that an adoption plan DOES NOT mean co-parenting by any stretch of the imagination.

Sadly, many birthmom's in many programs dream of the fairy tail and happily ever after. They are always hopeful someone will come along and "save them" and "help them." They are often so desperately wanting someone to support them (mentally, physically, and emotionally)... want someone to believe in them... Luckily, our birthmom has a pretty positive outlook on life and is very goal oriented. However, since the placement of our baby... it has been hard for me to determine or decide how to relay information.... I was afraid of triggering a since of loss in her or making her sad with reports of how happy we are. What do you do? What do you say? I have had a couple of conversations with our social workers about how to handle these situations... but it is still hard.

Statistically speaking, the need for information and communication is higher for the birthmom's during the first year or two. After that, they have moved on with their lives and also have the reassurance that everything is very well taken care of, so that they can move on with their lives. As I have struggled with some of the contact I have had with our birthmother, since placement, I keep having to tell myself that we are only 3-months into this process... it will get easier with time. I also keep trying to remind myself that she is still just a teenager... senior in high school.

So, now with all of that background information... I want to share a letter with you that I wrote to our birthmom today. I woke this morning to a text with the birthmom saying that a family member had gotten angry with her about the adoption and she was feeling badly. I texted her back and asked what she needed to know from us to reassure her. She texted that she wanted to know how happy with were and how much we loved our baby. (After e-mailing our social worker about this exchange of texts and information)... this is the letter I wrote.
--------------------------
Dear --
There is SO much I want to tell you... but I can never find my words to express myself because it is so hard to explain all these emotions I am feeling. Over the past few months, I have hesitated in telling you how happy we are because I was SO afraid of making you sad. I also didn't want you to think that I just say whatever because you gave us her. I just have so much in my heart and mind, that when I go to say something... words just cannot come out.

This is the baby we could NOT have, but wanted so MUCH, and that is why they are SO SO special. They are the baby that we dreamed about for many, many years. We tried having children oursleves for at least 5-years (including infertility treatments) before we got on the adoption waiting list. Then we were ~1 1/2 yrs on the list to the day that we brought the baby home. This baby is our dream come true... they were loved and anticipated by so many before we even met you, the birthfather, and the baby. But then once we met you, Ian, and her... the love just truly multiplied. There is no words to express or describe these feelings or the connection that we have between us all. So many of our friends and family have also been waiting anxiously for the baby's arrival as well... they have been waiting with us to welcome such a special person into the world.

Everyone knows that this baby is so special because of who her parents are and where she came from... I cannot wait until she understands me when I tell her that they were loved so much before they were born, before they were conceived... that I loved them in my dreams, and I loved them before they were even a twinkle in my eye. I cannot wait to tell them how much her birthparents loved her as well. This little baby, is loved by all. Everyone is mesmorized and loves them instantly. They always mention how wonderful they are... and I know without a doubt that is because their beauty comes from the inside that you gave from your own spirit when they were conceived.

I cannot wait for their little personality to develop. Right now, they are so mellow and very easy going.... I cannot wait until we can "do" creative things with them... have them telling us stories, color, do art, run, etc. We will give them every opportunity they deserve. I want to make you proud of us and of her. I hope that we are making you happy with the life we have... I think of you daily. I get teary daily when I look at her in my arms and experience my dream come true. It still feels so surreal sometimes...

Our (yours and mine) experiences our hard. No one can really understand the heartache that we endured along our journey to meet the baby and to finally have them in our life. No one can really understand your journey or decision to place this baby for adoption for adoption... it is a beautiful thing in how our paths crossed and our lives became interconnected. It's hard because other people (even family and very close friends) think they can relate to us, and your friends and family to you... but they can't, and never will be able to. You just have to draw on your own inner strength and peace and keep moving along.

I guess something else good is coming out of our adoption experience with you. I have a friend who just found out her sister-in-law and stepbrother are going to start an adoption process. They are really intimidated by the process and everything involved, so my friend asked me to meet with them and talk to them about our own experience and reassure them. I cannot wait to tell them about you and our story. Because of you... we are going to be able to set a legacy and make other happy stories for more babies, more parents, and more birthmom's.

Now that I am thoroughly crying at work. :) I hope this letter makes you SMILE and can fill your heart with the peace and happiness that you deserve. Never doubt how much you are loved or all that you can do! Peace and love to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In conclusion... I received an e-mail back from her thanking me and now she feels great! That is exactly what she needed to hear. As with all my e-mails we have exchanged, I have printed this one off and am keeping everything to share with our baby about their adoption story and history. It is hard to "share" this family dream with a "third-party," ... but at the end of the day, it feels good because I know that we are doing the "right" thing.

Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Sweet Dreams.

Hello Old Friends!

Well... here we go again! I seriously have not checked anything on my blog since my last entry in October 12, 2009. I was deeply touched by the anonymous note that was left last time. Thank you. Life has been pretty busy for us over the past 9-months. Ironic that is the magic number of months that brought me back to my Everyday Life Blog.

What was the turning even in our lives that took me away from journaling and blogging was that T was "commuting" to and from Springfield, Missouri for work. It started out as a 6-8 week project, then it turned into "until the end of the year," then it turned into until the project is finished until July or August of 2010. With him gone during the week (M-F) and then trying to get caught up on everything on Sat and Sun... things were hectic to say the least. Hopefully in my next few entries, I am going to be posting some of my main memories during this time.

Then, after the 1st of the year, life became even more hectic and choatic because we were matched with a birthmom. Yes, we were officially matched and started going through the ups and downs of preparing for "hopefully" a baby. "Our" due date was May 7th. Dealing and preparing for the pending adoption and having T "away" during the week kept me busy. As I read over my last post about feeling disconnected from everyone... I realized that ins some weird way, I instantly became connected again to "our" world in trying to maintain our everyday life in our physical home and social structure.

The time that I had previously spent journaling... was now directed towards staying busy while T was gone and trying so hard to stay connected to those close friends around us. I had many a late night on-line chat conversation with many friends... my cousin who is like a sister to me, another friend who is going through infertility, an old friend from high school who I reconnected with, and another who struggled some with infertility herself... not to mention my mom and a dear aunt who could talk all night!

I am kind of back to the point where I need an outlet again. As I have mentioned before, I tend to be a very private person, despite how outgoing my personality might be. It is always easier for me to answer questions... but often it is hard for me to say HOW things REALLY are... I tend to sugarcoat and try to convince others that things are fine and optimistic.

I know many of you are dying to know the scoop on parenthood... especially now that it has become a reality to us. It is wonderful and absolutely indescribable. I absolutely cannot wait to share more of my thoughts and options on what is going on around us. I know that our perspective is quite a bit different because of the road we have traveled... and that makes me feel good and feel confident in the years a head of us as parents. Even 12-weeks later, it still feels surreal; but it also feels second-nature, very natural, and a very comfortable place to be... it is still hard for me to fathom the concept of the "gift" we were given and the "forever" aspect of things.

Thank you to my few loyal followers -- I hope that you will continue to read and find me again in the future. I am sorry to the couple of friends that I gave my blog address, too and then never posted again! Thanks for your interest and support in our life! Please post whatever you would like to know about our "everyday life" and/or experiences with infertility and adoption... it will give me something to go on.

I will try to post more later this weekend. (PS -- sorry that this isn't one of my stronger entries with writing style, continuity, or ease of reading. My brain is so scattered these days... it is hard to stay focused... but it is all good). Good Night and Sleep Tight!