Well... here we go again! I seriously have not checked anything on my blog since my last entry in October 12, 2009. I was deeply touched by the anonymous note that was left last time. Thank you. Life has been pretty busy for us over the past 9-months. Ironic that is the magic number of months that brought me back to my Everyday Life Blog.
What was the turning even in our lives that took me away from journaling and blogging was that T was "commuting" to and from Springfield, Missouri for work. It started out as a 6-8 week project, then it turned into "until the end of the year," then it turned into until the project is finished until July or August of 2010. With him gone during the week (M-F) and then trying to get caught up on everything on Sat and Sun... things were hectic to say the least. Hopefully in my next few entries, I am going to be posting some of my main memories during this time.
Then, after the 1st of the year, life became even more hectic and choatic because we were matched with a birthmom. Yes, we were officially matched and started going through the ups and downs of preparing for "hopefully" a baby. "Our" due date was May 7th. Dealing and preparing for the pending adoption and having T "away" during the week kept me busy. As I read over my last post about feeling disconnected from everyone... I realized that ins some weird way, I instantly became connected again to "our" world in trying to maintain our everyday life in our physical home and social structure.
The time that I had previously spent journaling... was now directed towards staying busy while T was gone and trying so hard to stay connected to those close friends around us. I had many a late night on-line chat conversation with many friends... my cousin who is like a sister to me, another friend who is going through infertility, an old friend from high school who I reconnected with, and another who struggled some with infertility herself... not to mention my mom and a dear aunt who could talk all night!
I am kind of back to the point where I need an outlet again. As I have mentioned before, I tend to be a very private person, despite how outgoing my personality might be. It is always easier for me to answer questions... but often it is hard for me to say HOW things REALLY are... I tend to sugarcoat and try to convince others that things are fine and optimistic.
I know many of you are dying to know the scoop on parenthood... especially now that it has become a reality to us. It is wonderful and absolutely indescribable. I absolutely cannot wait to share more of my thoughts and options on what is going on around us. I know that our perspective is quite a bit different because of the road we have traveled... and that makes me feel good and feel confident in the years a head of us as parents. Even 12-weeks later, it still feels surreal; but it also feels second-nature, very natural, and a very comfortable place to be... it is still hard for me to fathom the concept of the "gift" we were given and the "forever" aspect of things.
Thank you to my few loyal followers -- I hope that you will continue to read and find me again in the future. I am sorry to the couple of friends that I gave my blog address, too and then never posted again! Thanks for your interest and support in our life! Please post whatever you would like to know about our "everyday life" and/or experiences with infertility and adoption... it will give me something to go on.
I will try to post more later this weekend. (PS -- sorry that this isn't one of my stronger entries with writing style, continuity, or ease of reading. My brain is so scattered these days... it is hard to stay focused... but it is all good). Good Night and Sleep Tight!
Showing posts with label friendships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendships. Show all posts
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, August 24, 2009
180 Change... "blah!"
OK – I finished typing this blog up… and it is a complete 180 from my last post… I am almost feeling a little guilty about being negative. It's just not in my nature to be too negative... I feel that I am realistic but do describe myself as a "glass 1/2 full kind of a girl;" and can't stay down too long. In advance, I am sorry for the Debbie Downer nature of this blog. I really try to avoid too much negativity because I don’t want to isolate people from our lives. I don’t want to scare people into NOT talking to us. I know that many often struggle with what to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Throughout this whole time, I have intentionally tried to always “thank” people for asking, because I (we) do so appreciate it. It is so much easier to talk when asked vs. “easing” it into conversation. There is just no “easing” this topic into conversation. :)
Once again… there is really no news to report. There is still no word from the birthmother in July. She truly just disappeared. Our profile was being shown to a couple of other birthmothers, but no nibbles at this point in time… I think they have chosen other families. I have an e-mail out to our social worker.
I am truly to the point where I DON’T WANT to think about this process any more; I am beyond the point where I am pleased about keeping myself busy and it just happens that I am not thinking about it.
In the big picture, we are fine and comfortable with where we are at… enjoying the things that we are doing. But, on a day-to-day basis it is grueling and we are tired. Work is really wearing us down right now… especially for T. The mundane of everyday life is just “blah.” I am tired of having to patiently listen to conversations about parents complaining about their kids and they just want to give them away. I am tired of listening to conversations about the decision to have a “snip-snip” procedure and how expensive that is. You think that procedure is expensive! Try 3-yrs of infertility treatments, followed by monthly adoption fee payments! I am tired of having a ½ furnished house because our money is going elsewhere. I was a little disappointed that we weren’t able to take a “far away” trip for our 10th anniversary. I am tired of people assuming we are “newly” married because we have no kids, or rather that raised eyebrow of an expression when I say we have been married 10-yrs and do not have any kids. I am tired of being told we will make great parents… because at this point… I already know that we are great parents. I am tired of being told (by people with kids) to “be patient.” Really? I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water. I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am a little bored with my job… which I think is completely psychological because I know that I cannot change or go anywhere because of where we are at in life. More so, I am tired of having that little nagging voice in the back of my head… “Why aren’t we good enough?” “Do we seem that boring on paper, too?”
All of these “little” things just continue to pile on you… one comment you can brush off, two comments you can brush off, maybe three… but it becomes hard to handle all of this while knowing in the back of your head and in your heart you know that you were not “good enough” and “not chosen” yet again.
I know that a lot of this is probably inferred by me, and that I am overly sensitive to things. I guess this blog is a little more reflective of the mental and emotional beast of this process and the challenge it is to stay positive. I know that some people would tell me to ignore what other people think. Or rather yet “who really cares?” what other people say or think… and yes, I agree with that and that is true. But, I care so much about this process! It is hard to selectively determine what to care about and what not to care about. To me, it is one thing to be dealing with these things and you have chosen not to have kids vs. wanting them and NOT being able to have them. That is that catch 22 to this process. Since we want them, we know people are innocent enough with everything… but since it just hits us so differently because of the bitter-sweet journey we are on.
Once again, in conclusion… to those friends, who are reading this blog out of support for us, please don’t be afraid to ask or talk about “anything.” We love visiting with you about your families and activities, we love being included with you and your families and it is your support that is helping get us through this time. This is just sometimes the bitter reality of the horrible directions your mind can race to; as we are trying to wait “patiently” for the day we get our baby!
Thanks again for everything! Comments and questions are always welcomed.
Once again… there is really no news to report. There is still no word from the birthmother in July. She truly just disappeared. Our profile was being shown to a couple of other birthmothers, but no nibbles at this point in time… I think they have chosen other families. I have an e-mail out to our social worker.
I am truly to the point where I DON’T WANT to think about this process any more; I am beyond the point where I am pleased about keeping myself busy and it just happens that I am not thinking about it.
In the big picture, we are fine and comfortable with where we are at… enjoying the things that we are doing. But, on a day-to-day basis it is grueling and we are tired. Work is really wearing us down right now… especially for T. The mundane of everyday life is just “blah.” I am tired of having to patiently listen to conversations about parents complaining about their kids and they just want to give them away. I am tired of listening to conversations about the decision to have a “snip-snip” procedure and how expensive that is. You think that procedure is expensive! Try 3-yrs of infertility treatments, followed by monthly adoption fee payments! I am tired of having a ½ furnished house because our money is going elsewhere. I was a little disappointed that we weren’t able to take a “far away” trip for our 10th anniversary. I am tired of people assuming we are “newly” married because we have no kids, or rather that raised eyebrow of an expression when I say we have been married 10-yrs and do not have any kids. I am tired of being told we will make great parents… because at this point… I already know that we are great parents. I am tired of being told (by people with kids) to “be patient.” Really? I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water. I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am a little bored with my job… which I think is completely psychological because I know that I cannot change or go anywhere because of where we are at in life. More so, I am tired of having that little nagging voice in the back of my head… “Why aren’t we good enough?” “Do we seem that boring on paper, too?”
All of these “little” things just continue to pile on you… one comment you can brush off, two comments you can brush off, maybe three… but it becomes hard to handle all of this while knowing in the back of your head and in your heart you know that you were not “good enough” and “not chosen” yet again.
I know that a lot of this is probably inferred by me, and that I am overly sensitive to things. I guess this blog is a little more reflective of the mental and emotional beast of this process and the challenge it is to stay positive. I know that some people would tell me to ignore what other people think. Or rather yet “who really cares?” what other people say or think… and yes, I agree with that and that is true. But, I care so much about this process! It is hard to selectively determine what to care about and what not to care about. To me, it is one thing to be dealing with these things and you have chosen not to have kids vs. wanting them and NOT being able to have them. That is that catch 22 to this process. Since we want them, we know people are innocent enough with everything… but since it just hits us so differently because of the bitter-sweet journey we are on.
Once again, in conclusion… to those friends, who are reading this blog out of support for us, please don’t be afraid to ask or talk about “anything.” We love visiting with you about your families and activities, we love being included with you and your families and it is your support that is helping get us through this time. This is just sometimes the bitter reality of the horrible directions your mind can race to; as we are trying to wait “patiently” for the day we get our baby!
Thanks again for everything! Comments and questions are always welcomed.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Revertigo
OK. I really need to get this entry finished! I have been working on it for over 3-days now. To start this blog, I am going to steal a new term that was discussed in an old episode of “How I met your mother.” The timing of this new word was ironic, as I had just returned from my 15-year class reunion. Revertigo refers to how one “reverts” and “reassumes” roles and personality from earlier years of their life. I do have to admit that I did want to go to my high school reunion. I know there are a lot of people who have no interest in returning to that phase of their life and the clicky politics that existed. I can agree with that philosophy.
Yes, I did have fun in high school and I had a very close and good group of friends through high school, always had a busy social life with both friends and dating some, too. I was involved in extracurricular activities. Loved being on the swimming and diving team. I really cannot complain much about my years in high school. However, the part that is not fondly remembered are the feelings of inadequacy that you weren’t “good enough” for some people to be friends with or for them to talk to you. I often felt awkward because of my “nerdy” tendencies to say the least… AND (as my mom gently reminded me) I was really a “good” kid through high school. Still to this day I am not spontaneous. I am a rule follower (for the most part). I still don’t like surprises. These are traits that are still difficult to deal with in my “grown-up” life, BUT they were NOT typical traits of a teenager and they were quite obvious to my peers. I always felt like I was picked on and teased quite a bit through Jr. and High School. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb… maybe the difference is that I have grown into these traits and feel much more comfortable with this is just who I am… but more importantly… I am happy with my life and where I am at.
But… on that note… how come when you return home, you experience “revertigo” and somehow resort back to that awkward, self-conscience person you were in high school? Oh, well… such is life and revertigo really gives you some good stories to reflect on later in life. I also started to realize that a lot of my awkwardness is probably placed on me by myself… but why is it perceived that others are placing it on you themselves?
Anyways… enough of my wondering mind… Here are my memories of the weekend:
* This was the second time in 10-years that someone else besides my parents picked me up at the airport in KC. It was so fun walking off the plane to see welcoming friends. * Just starting to talk with them and have conversations like time had never passed. * Laughing so hard I couldn’t stop crying. Silly me for “seeing” the word lobectomy vs. lobotomy and confusing the two. MAJOR difference. Silly Me. * Staying at Johnnie’s for 7-minutes. * J losing her keys in the grass out back when it was really dark. * Sitting in S parent’s kitchen just chit-chatting. We decided that the personality of brothers is universal… and they probably feel the same way about their sisters, respectfully. * Sleeping with the windows open and having the crickets and cicada’s sing me to sleep. * Running errands around town with mom. * Oh, another funny story. Mom and I went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant in their new location on the west side of town. We walked into the restaurant about 11:15 am and didn’t realize how “new” the restaurant was. It was actually their grand opening and we were the VERY FIRST customer’s ever! We were completely oblivious to their excitement for the first few minutes we were there. * My “nemesis” of the diving team initiating the hello and exchange of hugs between ourselves. There was little conversation… but an exchange of how are you were made. * As vain as it might seem, I also appreciated a couple of compliments on how I still look the same and “good.” It was a moment of satisfaction to me, but I couldn’t help but think about were a year ago now vs. today. * The forced smile as several asked me about kids… luckily in the group, I was able to side step this question most of the time… but then the comment that always makes me cringe (which I hope does not show on my face) “well, just you wait until you have kids…” That is exactly what we are doing… and truly wish that people would not have to start their sentence and then have it followed by unsolicited advice… This was the part I was dreading most through the evening, but it didn’t come up as much as I had anticipated, thankfully. * Finally, I need to remember reconnecting with an old classmate through my high-school best friend. He and his wife had struggled with secondary infertility and had recently adopted. Speaking to him through a father’s perspective really warmed my heart and it is always nice being able to discuss the adoption and infertility openly. The connections of life really pick you up and keep you going. *
Overall, it was a very “Lawrence” filled night. We had dinner at Quinton’s downtown. Had our pictures taken in front of Liberty Hall. Then we took our trip down memory lane and reliving the pages of our senior yearbook. Once we arrived at the “family” event, my friends were watching every-one who walked through the door to see if we recognized and remembered them. I think deep down inside we were all wondering if they would recognize or remember us. I really enjoyed going in a small group of old friends. It was fun being together again – do I dare say, revertigo? Yes… initially I was pretty self-conscience. I continued to laugh whole-heartedly at many things… it felt so good laugh. It was also a good year to go. It felt good having 20# of weight behind me… both figuratively and physically. With the previous few years of stress behind us, I feel that I am slowly returning to my old self again (which I didn’t know was missing until this past year). I had a surprisingly good evening… I often found myself wondering why some people were speaking to me because they never spoke to me before… I was skeptic… but it was fun. As always, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been a little braver to mingle a little more and talk more, not be so skeptic. Oh, well… Maybe at the 20? Boy! … time is flying by way too quickly. I am being to learn at how much relationships mean to me… casual, lifetime, acquaintance, best friends, seasonal, family… I love them all.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Response to Blog Entry
A -- Thank you so much for you comment! Your gift for words just amazes me and I only wish that I was just as eloquent... that is what I was trying to vocalize in my blog is how much my awareness has increased to broken-heartedness around me in everyday life and the everyday lives of others. You are also exactly right in that it is a choice... I choose to remain hopeful and optimistic... I too have my down days... but at the same time, I know that if I turn down the dark path of negativity, anger, and fear... I will probably not return, and the relationships in my life will be forever changed.
K -- thanks so much for sharing your inspirational words... you are also right in sharing hoping they will bring comfort to others in trying and difficult circumstances. That is one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to reach and and let others know that this process is not as lonely as it seems.
K -- thanks so much for sharing your inspirational words... you are also right in sharing hoping they will bring comfort to others in trying and difficult circumstances. That is one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to reach and and let others know that this process is not as lonely as it seems.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Vacation!
At last... some much needed R&R, downtime, and time to clear my head. It feels so good to be away from the rat race a little while. I feel like some of the swirling thoughts in my head are slowing down and are starting to fit into place. For now I am content and that is good... whenever work and returning to everyday life crosses my mind, I do feel some anxiety in going back, but it is only fleeting and I will face those emotions on Sunday.
Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.
Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Glass is Half Full...
About a week ago, I went back through all my blog entries and reread them. That really was fun to do. I was afraid of what I might find and cringe at my overactive thought processes written down as a part of "public domain." I was relatively surprised at how much I enjoyed reading my old entries.
I started this blog because several people had asked me if I was blogging through this process. After much thought and debate over a couple of months, I took the plunge last January. I decided to start this blog with two main purposes in mind: 1) for those who are interested in the daily thought processes and emotions that accompany this process, it will be easier to read a blog than have a 2-hour conversation every time I see them (even for me, that would get old -- no offense to any of my wonderful and supportive friends :)...); and 2) I decided that I would like to personally start keeping a journal during this time to maybe help remember this time for when our child will have questions about their adoption process.
What concerned me about my blog and enabling others to read it was... I was afraid it would come accross overly negative, I was afraid that it would stimulate people to "feel sorry" for us, I was afraid that it would push people away because they would perceive me as always being a Debbie Downer. Any of those above is the last thing that I needed and wanted with this blog. Please, for those of you who are following me regularly... please feel free to provide feedback and ask questions about what is going on. I really want this blog to be more informational, educational, and supportive of how everyday life continues on "normally" while you are having a whole new set of emotions, thoughts, and communication with the infertility or adoption process that is consuming your time.
I guess what stimulated this entry was I felt like I had had several "deeper" thought process blogs recently about coping and grief. I wanted to reassure everyone that we are finding a lot to laugh about on a daily basis. We have found our "niche" in life right now along this bumpy road. What keeps us going is:
* Projects that we enjoy doing -- home improvement projects; we are nesting in a very big and slow way.:) * Finding things to do around the area -- I think that we are going to head over to the Old McKinney Square later this weekend and/or catch a movie. * I think this summer is the longest summer that I have been able to keep my hanging flowers outside alive. Yea! They are beautiful. * I love watching for my Black Swallowtail Butterfiles to come by. * I am truly loving the reconnection to many friends that I have found on-line through FB and my blog. Thank you. But I must confess, sometimes being who I am, I do overwhelm myself with my desire and need to stay connected. :) * Trying to find new and different work projects to keep my stimulated in my field -- I promise, I am still wor
king on getting my career realted blog up and going on-line. * My physical activity -- I cannot believe how fit and active I have become over the last 9-months. I truly feel like a new person, words just cannot explain. :)
My words of advice to anyone who is going through a difficult time, I think the most important things that have helped us through these years has been: focusing on the things that we like to do, keeping a schedule and routine, and be intentional in all of our activities and all that we do. Finally, it has been through reaching out to others, asking for help, and maintaining our friendships that has helped us the most. This has been the most difficult because it takes time of energy, two things that often run low during tough times... but is is truly the factor that you cannot let go of.
Well, on that note... I am off to a morning run before it gets too hot. My weight continues to be stable. I just want to get this last 3-5# off so I can honestly say that I am the same weight I was when we got married 10-years ago. I am almost tempted to open up my wedding dress and try it on to see how things fit... but then I would need to have it re-preserved again. Hee... hee...
Have a wonderful weekend and I hope everyone enjoys the weather before the heat of the summer sets in. Take care.
I started this blog because several people had asked me if I was blogging through this process. After much thought and debate over a couple of months, I took the plunge last January. I decided to start this blog with two main purposes in mind: 1) for those who are interested in the daily thought processes and emotions that accompany this process, it will be easier to read a blog than have a 2-hour conversation every time I see them (even for me, that would get old -- no offense to any of my wonderful and supportive friends :)...); and 2) I decided that I would like to personally start keeping a journal during this time to maybe help remember this time for when our child will have questions about their adoption process.
What concerned me about my blog and enabling others to read it was... I was afraid it would come accross overly negative, I was afraid that it would stimulate people to "feel sorry" for us, I was afraid that it would push people away because they would perceive me as always being a Debbie Downer. Any of those above is the last thing that I needed and wanted with this blog. Please, for those of you who are following me regularly... please feel free to provide feedback and ask questions about what is going on. I really want this blog to be more informational, educational, and supportive of how everyday life continues on "normally" while you are having a whole new set of emotions, thoughts, and communication with the infertility or adoption process that is consuming your time.
I guess what stimulated this entry was I felt like I had had several "deeper" thought process blogs recently about coping and grief. I wanted to reassure everyone that we are finding a lot to laugh about on a daily basis. We have found our "niche" in life right now along this bumpy road. What keeps us going is:
* Projects that we enjoy doing -- home improvement projects; we are nesting in a very big and slow way.:) * Finding things to do around the area -- I think that we are going to head over to the Old McKinney Square later this weekend and/or catch a movie. * I think this summer is the longest summer that I have been able to keep my hanging flowers outside alive. Yea! They are beautiful. * I love watching for my Black Swallowtail Butterfiles to come by. * I am truly loving the reconnection to many friends that I have found on-line through FB and my blog. Thank you. But I must confess, sometimes being who I am, I do overwhelm myself with my desire and need to stay connected. :) * Trying to find new and different work projects to keep my stimulated in my field -- I promise, I am still wor
king on getting my career realted blog up and going on-line. * My physical activity -- I cannot believe how fit and active I have become over the last 9-months. I truly feel like a new person, words just cannot explain. :)My words of advice to anyone who is going through a difficult time, I think the most important things that have helped us through these years has been: focusing on the things that we like to do, keeping a schedule and routine, and be intentional in all of our activities and all that we do. Finally, it has been through reaching out to others, asking for help, and maintaining our friendships that has helped us the most. This has been the most difficult because it takes time of energy, two things that often run low during tough times... but is is truly the factor that you cannot let go of.
Well, on that note... I am off to a morning run before it gets too hot. My weight continues to be stable. I just want to get this last 3-5# off so I can honestly say that I am the same weight I was when we got married 10-years ago. I am almost tempted to open up my wedding dress and try it on to see how things fit... but then I would need to have it re-preserved again. Hee... hee...
Have a wonderful weekend and I hope everyone enjoys the weather before the heat of the summer sets in. Take care.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Grief, it does sneak up on you... But that's OK.
I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend last night. She is on modified "bed-rest" and activity restrictions. She is only 12-weeks pregnant. More than likely, her restrictions will increase throughout her pregnancy. She was on "true" bed-rest for 7-months of her second pregnancy.
We were professional friends and acquaintances through work; when we worked together, we realized we had many things in common just through daily conversation and have stayed in touch through the years. Well, about 5-yrs ago, she delivered a beautiful baby girl prematurely at 26-27 weeks (I think). This beautiful baby girl, graced our lives for about ~6-8 weeks before passing away. My friend has since had a wonderful baby boy who is now 3 1/2 yrs old. I really began to get to know E during this time of grief after her first baby passed away. I always admired her and her husband for how graciously and unselfishly they handled their grief. The grief was very evident in their lives... but they had a strong support system in place, and openly acknowledged their grief to others. I am sure they grieved much, much deeper in private than I could ever imagine as well.
E has been so supportive of us during our time of struggling of trying to start our family. It was nice to bounce off my random thoughts and discuss how tough the adoption roller-coaster is. She was so reassuring, calm, and soothing. She just seems to know how to respond. Thank you. I wish that I could be the eloquent in my friendships and time of need.
There was a moment in the conversation in which her Baby Girl was referenced, she really teared up remembering those weeks in the NICU. She commented, "does it ever go away?" I was so taken aback at the rawness of her emotions because every other time we have spoken of her angel, it has always been with strength and purpose. I then couldn't find the words acknowledge or express... I just took her hand a squeezed it. What bothered me the most was that my eyes stayed dry... I was glad that she could talk openly with me about it, I was glad that I was there, I learned something -- the rawness will always remain, it will heal, but it will always be on your heart. But then, I also felt selfish because I realized that I was too tired and drained from life for my emotions to come easily and naturally. I was sad because I wasn't able to grieve with her or provide more reassurance and comfort to her because I didn't have the energy -- it was kind of another surreal experience.
At this time, I truly cannot imagine the mental and emotional strength it takes on a daily basis focusing on taking care of herself and staying positive during having a high-risk pregnancy. E's strength just inspires me in our own journey and unknown future. She is there for me and me for her... Comfort was found and I am looking forward to our future conversations together. I just hope that I can give the support that she needs during the months a head. Please keep E and her family in your prayers and close to you heart over the next 6-months.
We were professional friends and acquaintances through work; when we worked together, we realized we had many things in common just through daily conversation and have stayed in touch through the years. Well, about 5-yrs ago, she delivered a beautiful baby girl prematurely at 26-27 weeks (I think). This beautiful baby girl, graced our lives for about ~6-8 weeks before passing away. My friend has since had a wonderful baby boy who is now 3 1/2 yrs old. I really began to get to know E during this time of grief after her first baby passed away. I always admired her and her husband for how graciously and unselfishly they handled their grief. The grief was very evident in their lives... but they had a strong support system in place, and openly acknowledged their grief to others. I am sure they grieved much, much deeper in private than I could ever imagine as well.
E has been so supportive of us during our time of struggling of trying to start our family. It was nice to bounce off my random thoughts and discuss how tough the adoption roller-coaster is. She was so reassuring, calm, and soothing. She just seems to know how to respond. Thank you. I wish that I could be the eloquent in my friendships and time of need.
There was a moment in the conversation in which her Baby Girl was referenced, she really teared up remembering those weeks in the NICU. She commented, "does it ever go away?" I was so taken aback at the rawness of her emotions because every other time we have spoken of her angel, it has always been with strength and purpose. I then couldn't find the words acknowledge or express... I just took her hand a squeezed it. What bothered me the most was that my eyes stayed dry... I was glad that she could talk openly with me about it, I was glad that I was there, I learned something -- the rawness will always remain, it will heal, but it will always be on your heart. But then, I also felt selfish because I realized that I was too tired and drained from life for my emotions to come easily and naturally. I was sad because I wasn't able to grieve with her or provide more reassurance and comfort to her because I didn't have the energy -- it was kind of another surreal experience.
At this time, I truly cannot imagine the mental and emotional strength it takes on a daily basis focusing on taking care of herself and staying positive during having a high-risk pregnancy. E's strength just inspires me in our own journey and unknown future. She is there for me and me for her... Comfort was found and I am looking forward to our future conversations together. I just hope that I can give the support that she needs during the months a head. Please keep E and her family in your prayers and close to you heart over the next 6-months.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Reflection...
To me, one of the toughest challenges to this process is reassuring others that you are "OK." It is kind of an oxymoron that a lot of our time is spent reassuring others that we are OK, instead of vice-versa. When you are happy, they think that you are faking it... when you are sad, they infer that you are emotionally unbalanced. People say it is "OK" to grieve and struggle (which is true); but yet, when they find out that you are grieve and struggling... they don't know how to respond. One of two things happen. First, they ignore that they are aware of the sadness surrounding the situation, hence making you pretend things are better than they actually are. Or two, they talk with you and try to talk you out of your feelings. "There really is no reason for you to be feeling that way." I know their intentions are good, I know they want to help... Ironically, it is those who care about you the most, who get the most frustrated, because they want to help, they want to fix... but they can't. All I am searching for is balance in my life. A temporary halt from the roller coaster of emotions, and hiatus from the see-saw of how people react and relate to you.
However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?
Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.
However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?
Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Moving On... Running On?
I had a wonderful weekend. When I got home from work on Friday, it was a beautiful evening out, so I decided that I would try to go running again. I had stopped running for awhile because my shin splints were acting up. It felt good to be outside again and doing something that I have really never been able to do before activity wise. I pretty much ran a 5 K (3.3 miles)... in 32:52 minutes. Only, 0.5 miles of that was walked. After that, we had a nice relaxing night around the house, played some more Wii... I just can't seem to beat Tracy's Wii Age!
This weekend was one filled with friends and good conversation. Through my conversations this weekend... I came to the realization that the road of infertility and adoption is inherently isolating and lonely -- You DO NOT make it lonely and isolating, that is just how it is. Quite often during this time, I have blamed myself for some of the loneliness and isolation -- sometimes I feel as though I have the plague -- people feel awkward and uncomfortable around us because they don't know what to say, so there is some avoidance there. It makes you wonder: "Have I volunteered too much information to friends?" "Would it have been better to keep our struggles a secret?" I finally realized, that because of this process becomes all consuming of your life... you are tired, drained, and emotionally exhausted... you do lose contact with friends. Not intentionally and not all at once, but relationships slowly become a casualty to this long journey. Despite how tired you are, it is so important to keep reaching out and maintain friendships... the trick is learning which friendships will fill your cup. T and I learned a long time ago that we could not do this alone and by ourselves... that was just a recipe for disaster and bitterness.
At times, it has been frustrating for me to constantly put myself out there, constantly make plans with friends to maintain support and connections, constantly reassure others that we are "OK" and "enduring"... it is just one more thing to balance and that requires energy. It often feels like a one-way journey and path you are on... you keep looking for someone else on the same road... but they are so hard to find and very few and far in between. However, I knew that if we were to crawl into a lonely, isolated hole... we would not be able to focus on the "sweetness" at the end of this "bitter" pathways; we would probably also not be able to find our way out. We have continued to reach out to others to help us continue to see the "hope" at the end of the road. "It's tough," is such an understatement.
Anyways... as usual, long story made longer... I feel really fortunate that I have been able to find *GOOD* friends. I have been able to find those who do understand and do know what it is like to be lonely and isolated. Thank you to A... you help me "find and use my words" to express myself during this time -- you have helped me to find my voice and thoughts again. Thank you to J... for making me feel like a valued friend in your life, you give me so much, I hope I give you 1/2 as much as well. Thank you to L... a new friendship that has recently been formed because we did find each other on the same lonely road. It is days like this past Saturday and Sunday that completely refuel me to face the challenging decisions... and passing of time ahead of us.
This weekend was one filled with friends and good conversation. Through my conversations this weekend... I came to the realization that the road of infertility and adoption is inherently isolating and lonely -- You DO NOT make it lonely and isolating, that is just how it is. Quite often during this time, I have blamed myself for some of the loneliness and isolation -- sometimes I feel as though I have the plague -- people feel awkward and uncomfortable around us because they don't know what to say, so there is some avoidance there. It makes you wonder: "Have I volunteered too much information to friends?" "Would it have been better to keep our struggles a secret?" I finally realized, that because of this process becomes all consuming of your life... you are tired, drained, and emotionally exhausted... you do lose contact with friends. Not intentionally and not all at once, but relationships slowly become a casualty to this long journey. Despite how tired you are, it is so important to keep reaching out and maintain friendships... the trick is learning which friendships will fill your cup. T and I learned a long time ago that we could not do this alone and by ourselves... that was just a recipe for disaster and bitterness.
At times, it has been frustrating for me to constantly put myself out there, constantly make plans with friends to maintain support and connections, constantly reassure others that we are "OK" and "enduring"... it is just one more thing to balance and that requires energy. It often feels like a one-way journey and path you are on... you keep looking for someone else on the same road... but they are so hard to find and very few and far in between. However, I knew that if we were to crawl into a lonely, isolated hole... we would not be able to focus on the "sweetness" at the end of this "bitter" pathways; we would probably also not be able to find our way out. We have continued to reach out to others to help us continue to see the "hope" at the end of the road. "It's tough," is such an understatement.
Anyways... as usual, long story made longer... I feel really fortunate that I have been able to find *GOOD* friends. I have been able to find those who do understand and do know what it is like to be lonely and isolated. Thank you to A... you help me "find and use my words" to express myself during this time -- you have helped me to find my voice and thoughts again. Thank you to J... for making me feel like a valued friend in your life, you give me so much, I hope I give you 1/2 as much as well. Thank you to L... a new friendship that has recently been formed because we did find each other on the same lonely road. It is days like this past Saturday and Sunday that completely refuel me to face the challenging decisions... and passing of time ahead of us.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Out of the Blue...
First, a little more about me. I love to read magazines. My favorites are Everyday: Food, Cooking Light, Real Simple, etc. I do tend more towards the "home" and "food" magazines than others. My one complaint about Cooking Light and Real Simple is there it *too much* information and *too many* ideas, recipes, and things that I want to do each month. I typically just buy off the news stand every couple of months because I cannot keep up with the quantity of information that is in each issue!
Well, last night I was finally readying the April issue of Real Simple before bed. I have carried it around with me for a month now, and I am just now reading it. Once again, where do people find the time to keep with with everything? It just boggles my mind because I feel that I never have enough time to do all the things that I need to do vs. all the things that I want to do.
Anyways, getting back to my point... one of the opening articles was "How do you stay connected to the people you care about most?" It was good to read. Among the things discussed was Facebook (check), blogging (check), playing Wii with family and friends (check), making music mixes (I used to do that), scrapbooking projects for friends (used to do that), random gifts out of the blue (sometimes do that, used to do it more)... the one thing that caught my attention:
A reader had submitted her resolution for the year: "I am doing this think called Reach Out '09. Each day I choose someone in my life to e-mail, phone, visit, or write a letter to. It really helps me to stay connected."
I have decided that I am going to do something similar. In the past, I used to be very good about sending cards to friends and family out of the blue. It was just something I really enjoyed doing... I haven't done it for a while... but I think that I am going to start making more of an intentional effort in doing this for others again. (On the lighter side, T used to call me a Hallmark snob because I absolutely love Hallmark cards complete with the little gold seals! Hee... hee).
Through our own journey, it really has been the "small and simple" efforts that have helped us with our struggles. It has been the call, the kind words, or card that has come out of the blue that has made all the difference in the world. You never know when someone else needs a smile, words of encouragement, or just knowing someone is thinking of them. It's the little things that are "out of the blue" that make all the difference in someone's everyday life. Maybe that is what I can do in return. I guess that it is similar to the concept of "pay it forward..."
Today I started with two of my "newer" friends that I have become close to over the past year. There was something that was personally gratifying (and probably bordering on the selfish side) about watching them open their cards and read something that was very intentionally picked for them. There is just something that is so touching when someone takes the time to hand-write what someone else means to them... Words are so powerful... why don't we use them more often to build each other up is beyond me.
Today was a good day. I am looking forward to another good (and productive day) tomorrow. Good Night for now.
Well, last night I was finally readying the April issue of Real Simple before bed. I have carried it around with me for a month now, and I am just now reading it. Once again, where do people find the time to keep with with everything? It just boggles my mind because I feel that I never have enough time to do all the things that I need to do vs. all the things that I want to do.
Anyways, getting back to my point... one of the opening articles was "How do you stay connected to the people you care about most?" It was good to read. Among the things discussed was Facebook (check), blogging (check), playing Wii with family and friends (check), making music mixes (I used to do that), scrapbooking projects for friends (used to do that), random gifts out of the blue (sometimes do that, used to do it more)... the one thing that caught my attention:
A reader had submitted her resolution for the year: "I am doing this think called Reach Out '09. Each day I choose someone in my life to e-mail, phone, visit, or write a letter to. It really helps me to stay connected."
I have decided that I am going to do something similar. In the past, I used to be very good about sending cards to friends and family out of the blue. It was just something I really enjoyed doing... I haven't done it for a while... but I think that I am going to start making more of an intentional effort in doing this for others again. (On the lighter side, T used to call me a Hallmark snob because I absolutely love Hallmark cards complete with the little gold seals! Hee... hee).
Through our own journey, it really has been the "small and simple" efforts that have helped us with our struggles. It has been the call, the kind words, or card that has come out of the blue that has made all the difference in the world. You never know when someone else needs a smile, words of encouragement, or just knowing someone is thinking of them. It's the little things that are "out of the blue" that make all the difference in someone's everyday life. Maybe that is what I can do in return. I guess that it is similar to the concept of "pay it forward..."
Today I started with two of my "newer" friends that I have become close to over the past year. There was something that was personally gratifying (and probably bordering on the selfish side) about watching them open their cards and read something that was very intentionally picked for them. There is just something that is so touching when someone takes the time to hand-write what someone else means to them... Words are so powerful... why don't we use them more often to build each other up is beyond me.
Today was a good day. I am looking forward to another good (and productive day) tomorrow. Good Night for now.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I Am Tired
I feel unusually tired and beat. I think I am just spinning off of having so much emotion at once. I am not sure why I feel like I am running on empty, but I am. I think the following continue to drain me.
- I am still trying to understand the events of last week.
- Work is *busy* and we have an employee who is creating a toxic environment right now; very, very draining. We are also getting ready for a survey, so that is always a pain. Everyone seems to spin off of everyone's anxiety. Now couple the typical stress of healthcare surveys with the swine flu! Ugh!
- Unsolicited advice is always a challenge to deal with - especially when it comes from those who are closest to you. You know they just want to help because they are concerned, but at the same time... really?
- I wish I just had more time in the day to really do the things that I love to do. Read, puzzles, stitch, exercise, etc. Where does all the time go?
- I am drinking too much caffeine. I need more to make better "quality" food choices.
However, on the positive side -- trying to refocus and fuel my energies:
- My aunt who had a stroke 2-wks ago, and who was told she wouldn't walk again 10-days ago... if walking by herself (with the assistance of a walker) and is starting to climb stairs. Amazing! Can I bottle some of her energy and motivation. She is truly an inspiration.
- Our hallway is ready to paint, I like doing things around the house.
- I love working out on the elliptical and I am hoping to go for a fun again this weekend to measure my improvements in my aerobic capacity.
- Whispering Wheat, I hope it's all that I have imagined in my head for the transformation of the front hallway.
- I am being productive at work and feel very organized these days; a good feeling to have pre-survey.
- I have had beautiful flowers on my desk all week sent by my husband out-of-the-blue. I can just feel myself relax and happy every time someone has asked about them. I am typically not a "flowers" person, but for some reason... these were unusually special.
- I am going to see my brother this weekend! He is helping T move somethings from my parents house down here. My brother always seems to make me laugh and smile. :)
- We have fantastic friends. I love always being able to have lunch, dinner, or coffee plans. I love having girls' day with pedicures. I love couples' date nights.
- I am also truly enjoying the new friendships that are being formed as well. We had a wonderful dinner last Friday night with another couple who is also anxiously awaiting "the call" from the adoption agency. I cannot tell you how much fun it was just to spend time with them one-on-one, and get to know them for who they are and just not another couple waiting to adopt. Great food! Great conversation! Fun games! It will be good when we get together again!
Well, I guess that I should list things out more often... obviously, and as usual, there are more positive things in my life than blahs... Ironically, I am starting to feel better all ready. :) Hopefully, a good night's sleep will fix the rest.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Random Thoughts
As always, I know that I am long overdue for a post. Everyday life just continues with us. Sometimes I feel I am just observing life or that I am on a merry-go-round each day. It is fun most of the time... but after a while it can get old.
T and I had a wonderful time this past weekend. We traveled to Wichita Falls with 13 other youth from our church. We had a little retreat with them and completed the program "Generation Change" from Dave Ramsay. It was just so refreshing to be with the teens. They are just *so in the moment* with basically no worries about tomorrow, or even Monday for that matter. It was so good to see T smile from ear to ear at the randomness of teens. I will just remember being in that big white passenger van listening to the youth sing at the tops of their lungs to the radio. Another observation from the weekend is how quickly a van full of teens starts to smell of feet. It was LOL funny to find a toothbrush on the floor next to a backpack, but the baseball hat of the same owner is carefully placed up out of the way to avoid being smashed. It was a boost to the ego when T and I could chime in on an "inside" joke of some boys and completely take them by surprise by knowing what they were talking about. We were asked, "So, you've seen Role Models?!?" ... to which I matter of fact stated "yes," smiled, and left it at that. Finally, I did have a moment of aging when I realized that the Freshmen we were spending the weekend with were born in the year that I graduated from high school! Wow! It really doesn't feel like 15-years ago when I was doing the exact same things they were with my youth group.
On that note, realizing how fast the last 15-years of my life have gone by... then realizing how fast the first 10-years of my marriage have gone by... and saddened by how I feel like I have lost the last 5-years of my life... makes it hard not regress into feeling stuck because we still just continue to wait. At the same time, I try to focus on the things that make me happy. I am very, very proud of the life that T and I have established together. I find comfort in my everyday routine. I love my bootcamp and yoga through a local non-profit organization. I love my little local cross-stitch shop. I love being efficient running errands around town. I like being independent and on our own with our own life. I love all of the relationships and friendships we have.
I did hear back from our social worker and right now our profile is being viewed by 2 or 3 different mothers. I really have no details at all around these mothers. I keep telling myself that is OK, and I am comfortable with having reassurance that this process is "working" and "moving along," relatively speaking. I keep reminding myself that we are only 4-months on the waiting list, we are still early in this process. Right now, I keep referencing that this process, on average, lasts ~18-months. Sometimes longer... sometimes shorter. I have also stopped trying to explain the process or answer, "have you heard anything?" I just politely say, "No, we are just waiting. There is really not much else we can do besides wait." ... and then I give a little smile. How can you explain others that we are right where we should be with the process with just waiting and not knowing too much; technically, we really can't complain and I have decided that I am OK with that. :)
Hmmm... what else is going on? I really need to finalize our taxes, I have never procrastinated getting our taxes done as much, as I have this year. I don't know why because we aren't going to owe anything this year because of all the medical expenses last year associated with the IVF. I really need to get on that... ahh... but all the more things to find and distract myself with.
Also, I am really excited for this weekend. My parents are coming into town for Easter. I am ready for some family time. T and I really mirror a lot of how we approach life after them. They really are our rock, especially in comparison with all the drama and dysfunction on the other side. They are so supportive and interested in us, everyone needs and deserves that kind of support in their life. T and I both enjoy just relaxing, playing cards, completing puzzles, antiquing, and shopping with them. Even thought they are both "busy" people always on the go, we thoroughly enjoy being on the go with them.
Finally, I am making some progress in thinking outside of my "normal" daily job duties and routine on how I can "spice" up my "work" right now, instead of just waiting for our baby to come. I have been nominated to be president elect of my local professional organization, I am thinking about restarting some private practice opportunities again after work, and I am really excited about some of the continuing education programs that I have found. The CEUs are not as cheap as I would like, but I think they are going to be very, very worthwhile and I am excited about furthering my advanced practice skills. Now, the trick is just being very, very careful and finding the time to thoroughly implement, and implement well, all that I want to do.
Right now I think one of the major coping mechanisms for me is to keep busy. I cannot complain because I have *plenty* to keep myself busy with. I continue to thoroughly enjoy my bootcamp and yoga practice... I know that the only way that I can accomplish all that I want to do is continue to take care of myself and T first.
I guess that is it for my life right now. As always, thank you for your continual support in our lives. You do make a difference to us. :) Good Night.
T and I had a wonderful time this past weekend. We traveled to Wichita Falls with 13 other youth from our church. We had a little retreat with them and completed the program "Generation Change" from Dave Ramsay. It was just so refreshing to be with the teens. They are just *so in the moment* with basically no worries about tomorrow, or even Monday for that matter. It was so good to see T smile from ear to ear at the randomness of teens. I will just remember being in that big white passenger van listening to the youth sing at the tops of their lungs to the radio. Another observation from the weekend is how quickly a van full of teens starts to smell of feet. It was LOL funny to find a toothbrush on the floor next to a backpack, but the baseball hat of the same owner is carefully placed up out of the way to avoid being smashed. It was a boost to the ego when T and I could chime in on an "inside" joke of some boys and completely take them by surprise by knowing what they were talking about. We were asked, "So, you've seen Role Models?!?" ... to which I matter of fact stated "yes," smiled, and left it at that. Finally, I did have a moment of aging when I realized that the Freshmen we were spending the weekend with were born in the year that I graduated from high school! Wow! It really doesn't feel like 15-years ago when I was doing the exact same things they were with my youth group.
On that note, realizing how fast the last 15-years of my life have gone by... then realizing how fast the first 10-years of my marriage have gone by... and saddened by how I feel like I have lost the last 5-years of my life... makes it hard not regress into feeling stuck because we still just continue to wait. At the same time, I try to focus on the things that make me happy. I am very, very proud of the life that T and I have established together. I find comfort in my everyday routine. I love my bootcamp and yoga through a local non-profit organization. I love my little local cross-stitch shop. I love being efficient running errands around town. I like being independent and on our own with our own life. I love all of the relationships and friendships we have.
I did hear back from our social worker and right now our profile is being viewed by 2 or 3 different mothers. I really have no details at all around these mothers. I keep telling myself that is OK, and I am comfortable with having reassurance that this process is "working" and "moving along," relatively speaking. I keep reminding myself that we are only 4-months on the waiting list, we are still early in this process. Right now, I keep referencing that this process, on average, lasts ~18-months. Sometimes longer... sometimes shorter. I have also stopped trying to explain the process or answer, "have you heard anything?" I just politely say, "No, we are just waiting. There is really not much else we can do besides wait." ... and then I give a little smile. How can you explain others that we are right where we should be with the process with just waiting and not knowing too much; technically, we really can't complain and I have decided that I am OK with that. :)
Hmmm... what else is going on? I really need to finalize our taxes, I have never procrastinated getting our taxes done as much, as I have this year. I don't know why because we aren't going to owe anything this year because of all the medical expenses last year associated with the IVF. I really need to get on that... ahh... but all the more things to find and distract myself with.
Also, I am really excited for this weekend. My parents are coming into town for Easter. I am ready for some family time. T and I really mirror a lot of how we approach life after them. They really are our rock, especially in comparison with all the drama and dysfunction on the other side. They are so supportive and interested in us, everyone needs and deserves that kind of support in their life. T and I both enjoy just relaxing, playing cards, completing puzzles, antiquing, and shopping with them. Even thought they are both "busy" people always on the go, we thoroughly enjoy being on the go with them.
Finally, I am making some progress in thinking outside of my "normal" daily job duties and routine on how I can "spice" up my "work" right now, instead of just waiting for our baby to come. I have been nominated to be president elect of my local professional organization, I am thinking about restarting some private practice opportunities again after work, and I am really excited about some of the continuing education programs that I have found. The CEUs are not as cheap as I would like, but I think they are going to be very, very worthwhile and I am excited about furthering my advanced practice skills. Now, the trick is just being very, very careful and finding the time to thoroughly implement, and implement well, all that I want to do.
Right now I think one of the major coping mechanisms for me is to keep busy. I cannot complain because I have *plenty* to keep myself busy with. I continue to thoroughly enjoy my bootcamp and yoga practice... I know that the only way that I can accomplish all that I want to do is continue to take care of myself and T first.
I guess that is it for my life right now. As always, thank you for your continual support in our lives. You do make a difference to us. :) Good Night.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Blahs... But I still feel good? I guess more examples of the bitter-sweet life...
I know I need to update and post. I am just really too tired to do so; for some reason I have been procrasting and dreading to post. But right now, I feel that it is a good tired. I still have some random thoughts and impatience going through my head... but mainly things are good right now; status qua with everyday life.
Blah's
* Birth control question -- what should we do? I feel like it just another kick in the stomach to deal with. But... they were never ever to rule out a genetic factor. They couldn't confirm any genetic problems, but they could rule it out either. That if you are dealing with "poor quality" eggs or sperm, it "could" be an issue. Do we want to risk it? Secondly, I probably need to go back on my Lipitor. Lipitor is contraindicated in women who "could" get pregnant. Next, since you are always internally keeping track of the monthly clock in your head, the "what if" question lurks in the back of my mind around mid-month, even though I know it isn't a reality for us. Finally, what if my "dream" becomes a reality and then I miscarry again... could I handle that again? For the most part, I cope fairly well... probably just block these things out and try not to process too much. I keep thinking I will deal with it later... but here we are 6-months later and some decisions need to be made. Well, I have made one decision today... I am starting my Lipitor again... after 4-months of watching what I eat, exercising 5:7 days on average, losing weight... there was absolutely NO CHANGE in my cholesterol levels! Ugh! Oh, well... at least know I can confidently say it is my genes and know that it is going to take more to manage. It is a very low dose and my new doctor who is helping me with my thyroid monitoring was reassuring about starting the Lipitor and not to feel rushed with the birth control issue. One bridge crossed... I feel good about that for now. It only took about 6-months to cross the bridge.
* Blah -- just waiting and not knowing and not hearing anything... I am getting used to this and for the most part I have decided that I am comfortable here. I guess that's good, too.
* Blah -- trying not to contemplate that we have 4-friends delivering their new babies right now. Trying not to pay much attention to the fact that most of our friends are on baby 2-3 and that the new topic of conversation is the "snip-snip" procedures because many of who we know are now "done." We are still waiting to start...
* Blah -- I am tired of everyone treating me like I am "young" ... especially those who are our age! I know that one day I am going to like the fact that we look "young" for our age... but at the same time, I am tired of people saying, "When you have kids... you don't want to rush... etc." I feel that I have had a lot of that recently from a lot of friends who are OUR age!
* Blah -- T's family. I am still totally out of my comfort zone having FIL close by. I don't feel that I am making any progress in accepting this reality. Furthermore, the "saga" with his mom and brother continues to be dragged out and causes disturbance in our hearts.
* Happy -- my uncle is doing *REALLY* well and is now how. They are hoping that all he needs now is his daily chemo pill. He says he feels good and that he is pain-free. My cousin also seems to be doing very well, too. I can't wait to see them all in May! Yeah!
Well... I guess that is why I didn't want to do this blog because I knew that it would seem *very* depressing and really, I don't feel all that depressed. The power of the mind and the glass IS half-full. :) Each day this past week and weekend have been good. Amazingly, I do smile and laugh frequently throughout the day... everyday life I guess as it should. We remain with some very valuable friendships. I LOVE spending time with all my friends and T. I just feel really in sync with him right now. Work is going well with the both of us. I was able to go shopping and got some new clothes because all my other clothes were "too big." I have become a believer in the healing powers of physical exercise... I never thought that I would feel as good as I do... I guess despite all the "blah" thoughts that come and go from my mind... I am content and happy. That is what I focus on and what keeps me going.
For those of you following my blog... your friendship is also what keeps us going as well. Thanks for being there and allowing us to be us. We love you all! :)
Blah's
* Birth control question -- what should we do? I feel like it just another kick in the stomach to deal with. But... they were never ever to rule out a genetic factor. They couldn't confirm any genetic problems, but they could rule it out either. That if you are dealing with "poor quality" eggs or sperm, it "could" be an issue. Do we want to risk it? Secondly, I probably need to go back on my Lipitor. Lipitor is contraindicated in women who "could" get pregnant. Next, since you are always internally keeping track of the monthly clock in your head, the "what if" question lurks in the back of my mind around mid-month, even though I know it isn't a reality for us. Finally, what if my "dream" becomes a reality and then I miscarry again... could I handle that again? For the most part, I cope fairly well... probably just block these things out and try not to process too much. I keep thinking I will deal with it later... but here we are 6-months later and some decisions need to be made. Well, I have made one decision today... I am starting my Lipitor again... after 4-months of watching what I eat, exercising 5:7 days on average, losing weight... there was absolutely NO CHANGE in my cholesterol levels! Ugh! Oh, well... at least know I can confidently say it is my genes and know that it is going to take more to manage. It is a very low dose and my new doctor who is helping me with my thyroid monitoring was reassuring about starting the Lipitor and not to feel rushed with the birth control issue. One bridge crossed... I feel good about that for now. It only took about 6-months to cross the bridge.
* Blah -- just waiting and not knowing and not hearing anything... I am getting used to this and for the most part I have decided that I am comfortable here. I guess that's good, too.
* Blah -- trying not to contemplate that we have 4-friends delivering their new babies right now. Trying not to pay much attention to the fact that most of our friends are on baby 2-3 and that the new topic of conversation is the "snip-snip" procedures because many of who we know are now "done." We are still waiting to start...
* Blah -- I am tired of everyone treating me like I am "young" ... especially those who are our age! I know that one day I am going to like the fact that we look "young" for our age... but at the same time, I am tired of people saying, "When you have kids... you don't want to rush... etc." I feel that I have had a lot of that recently from a lot of friends who are OUR age!
* Blah -- T's family. I am still totally out of my comfort zone having FIL close by. I don't feel that I am making any progress in accepting this reality. Furthermore, the "saga" with his mom and brother continues to be dragged out and causes disturbance in our hearts.
* Happy -- my uncle is doing *REALLY* well and is now how. They are hoping that all he needs now is his daily chemo pill. He says he feels good and that he is pain-free. My cousin also seems to be doing very well, too. I can't wait to see them all in May! Yeah!
Well... I guess that is why I didn't want to do this blog because I knew that it would seem *very* depressing and really, I don't feel all that depressed. The power of the mind and the glass IS half-full. :) Each day this past week and weekend have been good. Amazingly, I do smile and laugh frequently throughout the day... everyday life I guess as it should. We remain with some very valuable friendships. I LOVE spending time with all my friends and T. I just feel really in sync with him right now. Work is going well with the both of us. I was able to go shopping and got some new clothes because all my other clothes were "too big." I have become a believer in the healing powers of physical exercise... I never thought that I would feel as good as I do... I guess despite all the "blah" thoughts that come and go from my mind... I am content and happy. That is what I focus on and what keeps me going.
For those of you following my blog... your friendship is also what keeps us going as well. Thanks for being there and allowing us to be us. We love you all! :)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Back to the Daily Grind
OK -- I just need to get a quick post in. I will write more later. This is just the highlights.
1) As I was leaving on Friday at 3:00 pm for my flight, I was asked to start my National Nutrition Month event on Monday as opposed to Wed, March 18th that had been previously discussed! Ugh!
2) Had a wonderful weekend and so much fun with my friend.
3) Favorite weekend memory, meeting her little boy's fish named Harry that he named himself. (oxymoron?)
4) Dashing through the snow/slush in our pedicure flip flops into Mr. Goodcents.
5) Staying up until 1:30 on Friday and midnight on Saturday. I really felt like I was living with her again back in college. It was so much fun talking and reminiscing.
6) Just being able to talk so openly and candidly.
7) Finally, coming home to T. I loved seeing him and walking into his arms at the airport.
This week is very, very hectic... but stress isn't too bad for now. I am going to skip my covenant group tonight because I have papers to grade for TWU that are due tomorrow morning and I really want to exercise. My weight has plateaued and gone back down slightly, which is good. At least it is no longer increasing again. It was good to return to Bootcamp on Monday.
More later! :)
1) As I was leaving on Friday at 3:00 pm for my flight, I was asked to start my National Nutrition Month event on Monday as opposed to Wed, March 18th that had been previously discussed! Ugh!
2) Had a wonderful weekend and so much fun with my friend.
3) Favorite weekend memory, meeting her little boy's fish named Harry that he named himself. (oxymoron?)
4) Dashing through the snow/slush in our pedicure flip flops into Mr. Goodcents.
5) Staying up until 1:30 on Friday and midnight on Saturday. I really felt like I was living with her again back in college. It was so much fun talking and reminiscing.
6) Just being able to talk so openly and candidly.
7) Finally, coming home to T. I loved seeing him and walking into his arms at the airport.
This week is very, very hectic... but stress isn't too bad for now. I am going to skip my covenant group tonight because I have papers to grade for TWU that are due tomorrow morning and I really want to exercise. My weight has plateaued and gone back down slightly, which is good. At least it is no longer increasing again. It was good to return to Bootcamp on Monday.
More later! :)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
T-1.5 days and Counting Down... :)
This week has gone by quickly. I have been extremely busy at work. Things are moving along fairly well now. Just staying busy with different projects which is nice. It has just been such a hectic week as we have just started our employee wellness program/weight loss challenge. It always does create some more work for me, luckily it is only 6-weeks long and the hecticness is more in the beginning and then the end.
This week I am getting a little frustrated with my weight... to say the least it has plateaued if not gone back up slightly. I have readjusted my calorie intake and know that I probably should reduce my soda intake again. I am trying not to worry about it too much and just continue to focus on how good I feel about all my activity and exercise levels.
I had a wonderful dinner with a good, good friend last night. It is just so comfortable being able to talk off the cuff and out loud about everything. She is such a sounding board for me and it is just so refreshing to be able to process verbally. She is so relationship oriented and intuitive when it comes to reading others. I just learn so much about life when I am with her.
Well... really not too much exciting going on in my life and head right now. It feels good to be settling back into everyday life, one day at a time again. I am needing to go pack for a quick trip home this weekend. I am going to have dinner with my brother and mom tomorrow night. This is a sentimental time of year for me as it is my parents 39th wedding anniversary, and my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 92 this year. I do miss her.
Speaking of my Grandma, I have decided that I really do enjoy this journaling. I have a new found appreciation of it. Just this late fall, my aunt gave my mother a copy of all my grandmother's diaries. It was really neat and fun to go through and read. She started keeping a journal after my Grandpa passed away in 1980; we have almost 25-years worth of memories from her.
Anyways, as I said previously... not too much going on. I am going to spend the weekend with my good friend Kiefer; T-1.5 days until spa day! Fun, fun!
This week I am getting a little frustrated with my weight... to say the least it has plateaued if not gone back up slightly. I have readjusted my calorie intake and know that I probably should reduce my soda intake again. I am trying not to worry about it too much and just continue to focus on how good I feel about all my activity and exercise levels.
I had a wonderful dinner with a good, good friend last night. It is just so comfortable being able to talk off the cuff and out loud about everything. She is such a sounding board for me and it is just so refreshing to be able to process verbally. She is so relationship oriented and intuitive when it comes to reading others. I just learn so much about life when I am with her.
Well... really not too much exciting going on in my life and head right now. It feels good to be settling back into everyday life, one day at a time again. I am needing to go pack for a quick trip home this weekend. I am going to have dinner with my brother and mom tomorrow night. This is a sentimental time of year for me as it is my parents 39th wedding anniversary, and my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 92 this year. I do miss her.
Speaking of my Grandma, I have decided that I really do enjoy this journaling. I have a new found appreciation of it. Just this late fall, my aunt gave my mother a copy of all my grandmother's diaries. It was really neat and fun to go through and read. She started keeping a journal after my Grandpa passed away in 1980; we have almost 25-years worth of memories from her.
Anyways, as I said previously... not too much going on. I am going to spend the weekend with my good friend Kiefer; T-1.5 days until spa day! Fun, fun!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Today is Over Again
Today was a little better. I still had problems holding myself together this morning at work. I just cried from pure exhaustion today vs. the feelings of frustration that was experienced yesterday. I think work is just completely overwhelming me right now. I feel that no one really understands what I do, let alone how much I do. The documentation, paperwork, and essentially CYA is very tiring and draining. The afternoon went by quickly. This was good because meant I could go home. However, I wasn't near as productive as I needed to be to completely finish my day at work. I am supposed to do an in-service in the morning that I haven't even started to prepare for... I guess I will be winging that one, too. I am just tired of winging things and flying by the seat of my pants. It is not in my personality type to do things that way... but I guess it must be done. Actually, I have surprised myself at how comfortable I have become at winging things.
I did enjoy this evening. I met a good friend at Starbucks from some "coffee." I had hot green tea (my hot beverage of choice). I rattled her ear off. I am finding a lot of enjoyment in my connections. I also met with a fellow in waiting parent this past weekend. This new found friendship and meeting helped me to be weirdly reassured and comforted by the statement "it is what it is." I probably rattled her ear off, too. Words cannot describe the feelings of relief found through these connections. It is a perfect example of you don't know what was missing in your life until new friendships and connections are established. I have always been a "relationship" focused and driven personality type, I didn't realize how starved I had become for deeper more intimate friendships over the past couple of years.
I just feel a drive in myself I haven't felt for a long time... I am just trying to find the right outlet in which I can productively and efficiently expend my energy. I feel as though I am almost there, but I am just short of reaching the outlet. I have a slight fear that there is a burnout just around the corner that I am trying to avoid. For now... I am just going to continue focus on what is renewing my energy... the relationships in my life.
I did enjoy this evening. I met a good friend at Starbucks from some "coffee." I had hot green tea (my hot beverage of choice). I rattled her ear off. I am finding a lot of enjoyment in my connections. I also met with a fellow in waiting parent this past weekend. This new found friendship and meeting helped me to be weirdly reassured and comforted by the statement "it is what it is." I probably rattled her ear off, too. Words cannot describe the feelings of relief found through these connections. It is a perfect example of you don't know what was missing in your life until new friendships and connections are established. I have always been a "relationship" focused and driven personality type, I didn't realize how starved I had become for deeper more intimate friendships over the past couple of years.
I just feel a drive in myself I haven't felt for a long time... I am just trying to find the right outlet in which I can productively and efficiently expend my energy. I feel as though I am almost there, but I am just short of reaching the outlet. I have a slight fear that there is a burnout just around the corner that I am trying to avoid. For now... I am just going to continue focus on what is renewing my energy... the relationships in my life.
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