*Sigh*

Well... I had really intended that my next blog be more upbeat and positive... kind of how I like to see my personality most of the time. Things are fine... status qua. I had a good evening last night with a friend who is going to help us "remodel" our portfolio for the prospective birth mothers. It felt really good to be productive. I posted on FB tonight that I should have worked-out... I think that is probably to blame for part of my blah mood... not to mention that mother nature is knocking at the door for her monthly visit. Oh, well... the cycle of life for now... no pun intended.

I am just filled with... or rather I am slowly becoming overwhelmed by my feelings of "not being good enough." It's tough... not only are we not feeling "good enough" on the adoption front... but I am also seen as a "not good enough" daughter-in-law. (I really just want to scream and pull my hair out!) It's is completely draining in itself despite everything else going on. I am not quite "good enough" to get this last 5-10# off... my weight continues to plateau. I am also feeling like I am not a "good enough" friend to some. People are just moving on... especially since we are in a different places in life... people change and move on. People tend to gravitate towards those they have things in common with... but then why do I feel like such a misfit right now? I am sure that people see us as changing and moving on as well... but I am just afraid they are avoiding me because they can just see how tired and sad I am on my face. I just want to feel included and apart of everything again. I am tired of trying to reach out and stay connected... I am just tired of constantly putting myself out there with the adoption, family, friends, and work... I am tired of working so hard at trying to maintain normalcy to our everyday life. It is just so much.

I like to tell myself that these feelings are normal under the circumstances... I just wish they felt normal. This is just what happens right now when I slow down... all my thoughts and feelings creep up on me and hit me like a train. T has been at a Ranger's game tonight and I have spent most of it by myself. It has been good... I truly was enjoying it up until I started getting ready for bed. Tonight, I had a good conversation with my cousin, cuddled with the dog, played some word games, wrote a couple of e-mails. I think that I am also feeling anxious about all my alone and downtime coming up this weekend. I have scheduled myself a massage and I am hoping to do some shopping.

Thank you all for your e-mails this past week... I loved each and everyone of them! I know that seems like an oxymoron in contrast to this blog... but I guess that just exemplifies the see-saw of thoughts and emotions we are experiencing right now. I really do enjoy our exchanges and staying connected through this cyber-world... I just wish there was more time in the day to visit, see, and talk with each other face-to-face. Thanks for reading again... sorry it is such a Debbie Downer again. Love you all!

Vacation!

At last... some much needed R&R, downtime, and time to clear my head. It feels so good to be away from the rat race a little while. I feel like some of the swirling thoughts in my head are slowing down and are starting to fit into place. For now I am content and that is good... whenever work and returning to everyday life crosses my mind, I do feel some anxiety in going back, but it is only fleeting and I will face those emotions on Sunday.

Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.

Some relief and moving on...

Update. I think that the easiest way to do this post is in bullet format. To many thoughts going through my mind. Sorry if it is a little random and disorganized, but that is essentially my life right now.

• How do I feel about the interview? I felt like I was in neutral right after the interview. She asked a lot of good questions... we talked for almost 45-minutes... I am just so unsure and insecure that we were able to be specific enough in our answers. I just felt like we babbled and rambled a lot. I have a tendency to do that in normal conversation anyways, let alone when I am nervous.
• I had a very good follow-up and conversation with our social worker today. I thanked her for all the information she had provided us and prepared us very well. She told us that the birthmom is interested in us and liked us... but is still processing everything and trying to figure out if an adoption plan is in her best interest and the best interest in her baby. I told our social worker, that is fine -- it is what it is; besides, what other choice do we have? I understand that this is not any easy process or decision for anyone involved. I truly mean that; I really want the birthmom to feel very comfortable with her decision, and on some level, I hope that she can be proud or excited (I am not sure if those are the right words) that she has chosen us. I want her to feel so comfortable with us and the family life that we can offer a baby.
  
• Our social worker said that the birthmother may be interested in speaking with us again in the future, although when in the future was not specified. I said that we had the same feelings. I discussed some of my questions about this process and the conversation we had with the birthmom as well. That we would love to have the opportunity to speak again and get to know each other a little more, be able to ask more specific questions, answer questions more specifically, and learn more about each other before any decisions are made. We are comfortable with that for that now and we are comfortable with it being on the birthmom's time. It feels good being able to say that for now.
  
• After the phone call, I was feeling very melancholy that developed into some anxiety. I just couldn't get some of the questions out of my mind. This process is just so hard. I had a really hard time unwinding before I went to bed. It was probably well after 11:30 before I was able to fall asleep.
• I was also frustrated because I didn't get my workout in like I had wanted. I am sure that would have helped me release some of my stress. I was just so drained initially after the conversation from nerves, that I could not motivate myself. I guess another lesson learned... I just need to make myself do it. However, I find myself doing so much like that these days.
• There is a lot going on at work these days. I have new dietetic intern with me right now that I am training. She will be with us for ~400 hours of supervised practice. I have to get ready for a presentation on Thursday; no presentation ready to go. I am also just trying to get everything organized to get ready for a week off.
• We are still dealing with some family politics/issues; but taking the passive path of least resistance seems to be working and hopefully some resolution will be found with just the passing of time.
• I am READY for vacation! I am so excited to get away from the rat race of everyday life. I am READY for some R&R. I love how the cabins that we go to every summer do not have any TVs in them. I love the fact that we have minimal cell phone access. I love the fact that do not miss wearing my watch at all or do not care what time it is. It is such a peaceful week filled with family, fun, food, laughs, love, and memories forever.

Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts our way. They are greatly appreciated. Please send some towards the potential birthmom... that she may find the peace and R&R she needs to feel confident, proud, and secure with her decision whatever it might be.

For those of you who are reading my blog regularly, please feel free to ask any questions about what is going on. I will be more than happy to answer and discuss in my blog. Thank you again for all the support. Good night.

Catch-Up

OK -- I am so, so sorry that it has been a while since my last post. Things have been a little chaotic to say the least. Things have been hectic at work with the start of a new intern that we will have for the next 9-weeks. It was the last week of Bootcamp, so I was trying to be really good with my cardio on off days to finish strongly and have really good numbers. We were hit pretty hard by the storms on Wednesday and Thursday (no power for a majority of those days and luckily, no major damage to our house but we had neighbors that did sustain significant damage). I was able to get a lot accomplished around the house chore wise on Saturday. And finally, I enjoyed some personal shopping time and a fun evening of softball with T.

His team took first place in the spring league. It was such a close game and so much fun to watch. Everyone was there cheering. It was tied 4-4 at the end, so it went into extra innings. T's team has so many good, good guys on. You can always just feel their friendship and camaraderie while playing. They are such a good example because they do truly play for fun and just happened to win the league. It was such a fun night with friends. It really will be a fun and special night to remember. It was the perfect summer night, too. Warm but with a nice breeze blowing. We all could have probably stayed out all night just enjoying the peaceful weather.

Bootcamp finished very well. I still have a few more pounds I want to lose; but I continued to loose inches and % body fat; I was pleased with my results and cannot wait to start again. Once again, my bootcamp buddies are just such a fun group of people... it is truly the people that make all the difference. It feels good to have found a "niche" with others and have something in common outside of my "typical" everyday life.

Finally, and most importantly... the other distraction that we have had in our life... or rather should I say I have been trying to find other things to distract myself from... is that we have a birthmom who is interested in our profile and wants to visit with us. This is truly baby step #1 ALL OVER AGAIN... nothing to get excited about, just part of this circular process. We were supposed to have a phone interview with her on Friday night, but it got postponed until tonight (Monday). According to our social worker, she is interested in making an adoption plan, but probably still hasn't decided and confirmed that his her intentions. Like us, she is still learning how this process works and trying to weigh all options and decided what is in her and the child's best interest. I kept myself busy most of the weekend... which worked (and probably deep down inside what I wanted), because I seldom found myself thinking about this potential. I am almost positive that I really didn't want to think about or deal with the thought of an interview until it happened. Now, I am feeling very nervous, anxious, and unprepared. I think T is prepared, but I am not. It is such a surreal feeling to be on-the-fence. This could be just another mother expressing interest or it could be "the one." Once again, the extremes are just so mind boggling -- so right now my coping mechanism is opting for the path of least resistance and not thinking or processing things. On another level, that is probably why I felt the need to indulge in retail therapy this weekend... was I was trying to distract myself.

Another bitter-sweet moment of life... I was talking to a new grandmother last week who made the comment to me, "you know, that is one of the most special times in a mother's life... when she can be there for the birth of a grandchild." As always, I just smiled and said "Absolutely, I know." ... and I wish and dream ...

Anyways... enough of that for now. I really need to get some work done this afternoon before I head home for the interview. I am counting down the days until our wonderful stress-free and escape into vacation.

Chocolate Promises

I have never been much of a chocolate fan... let alone, I have never had much of a sweet tooth. On the other hand, I have no will power when it comes to chips, salsa, cheese (salty) types of foods. A couple of years ago, a friend introduced me to "real" dark chocolate. The dark chocolate of quality and novelty... not a cheap or imitation type of dark chocolate. The one that I love the most is Dove Dark Chocolate. I love these individual miniatures because it is like eating a fortune cookie, but with so much more flavor and richness. When you unwrap each piece of goodness, you are greeted by a "Dove Promises Message."

Mine tonight:
Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.

Very, very appropriate for where I am at right now in life, and what we are going through right now. I had a wonderful weekend back home; but, I returned to Texas feeling a little melancholy and more stuck in life than normal. The grey cloud of reality is hoovering over my head and I cannot not shake it. My reality check is that we truly are in this for the long-haul. We have always known this and have been committed to this idea, but I am feeling this reality. A piece of me in my mind and heart has hung onto the dream that we could be "lucky" in that our adoption would happen sooner than later. That dream is slowly fading and the reality is starting to set in. It is slowly becoming more and more difficult to see the end of this road. We are still fine with where we are at, but just cannot shake our feelings of discouragement when we have no idea how far away the finish line is. T echoed my feelings last night while we were talking with each other.

My little foil wrapping with words of encouragement is one to keep for the refrigerator door. That is truly what we are doing right now and will continue to do. I really don't know how much more I can keep giving and keep going in my everyday life, especially when I am feeling stuck... but it is little random reminders like this one that refreshes me and reminds me that I can continue to move forward and take one day at a time. As I have said many times before... what other choice do we have? Afterall, another day down does really bring us one day closer to our baby... whenever that might be... :)

New Project and Career Development

Today I received word that I have been selected to be an advisor for Food and Health Communications. It is a little company that I have purchased some materials from in the past. The name of their company really sums it up with what they specialize in. I am very excited about this opportunity; something different to do within my profession and a good addition to the resume. It is a volunteer position, but I was selected through an application process. As a result of this, I am hoping to start putting together a information blog containing nutrition education, resources, and hot topics. The responsibilities of my advisor position include helping to market the company at nutrition events that I attend, review new education materials and programs produced by them, and submit new topics for program development. I am hoping this will help to lead to some more future opportunities... It is always a nice feeling to be "selected" and "chosen." Stay tuned for the development of my new nutrition info blog.

Hmmm.... is a Freudian analogy at this phase of my life. :) T and I have found some small things to SMILE :) about today... as predeicted, today has been a new day, still a little cloudy but I think it is starting to clear a little bit. TGIF and we have the weekend a head of us. Life is what it is, but it is still moving forward.

Last Night

Last night was not a good night. The stress of everyday life and the emotions of feeling stuck really hit T and I very, very hard -- each on an individual level. We both are frustrated because we feel like we are spinning our wheels, and we both have our individual "to-do" lists that are not getting done. Since we see things differently and our daily priorities of what we want to get done do not coincide right now, we clashed... and we clashed hard and loud. Through the last 10-yrs of marriage (14-yrs of relationship), we have gotten much better at moving through the "rough" times... but especially over the past 5-years, we really have developed better coping skills just out of pure necessity. We truly value and appreciate that a successful marriage is something that you have to work at, but no one really talks about it out-loud, no one really talks about the bad times, and the struggles. I know that once we get back to being "balanced" again and off this roller-coaster of emotions... it won't seem as significant as it does now. However, that is just the trick... just to enduring, knowing that it this is just a "moment," and this too will pass. We both know this in our hearts and minds, but our energy levels are just so low that it is hard to just keep enduring and waiting, especially when we are stressed and tired. I know that the next phase of our lives will present itself with new and probably even tougher challenges that will further develop our coping skills... but I am just tired of this phase of my life of waiting... As T said when we went to bed last night, "Tomorrow is a new day, let's just go from there..."

Coincidence?

I don't have much time right now. This week ended MUCH better than last week. I am getting ready to take dinner (Chili's) over to a friend who just had surgery on Wed. We will just spend the evening hanging out with them.

I did peak at my horoscope again... I think I should just quit writing my blog and just tell everyone to read my daily horoscope to know what is going on in my life, know how I am feeling, and how I dealing with things. Anyways, today's was:

The last few days may have been a bit strange, as if winds were blowing in from other dimensions. Now, however, the weirdness begins to dissipate and your life returns to normal -- or as close to normal as it's going to get for a while. Don't waste time trying to figure out where you are going. Just focus on what needs to be done for others right now. Your true pleasure comes from being productive in the present moment, not dreaming about the unknown future.

Weird? Coincidental? How much more true can that get about me for right now in my life? My measure of success on a day-to-day basis is typically how productive I have been. I have always been a list maker and love the feeling of crossing things of my to-do list, I am a true byproduct of my upbringing... Thanks, mom. :) Since I haven't been productive at work, I have really been trying to focus on those around me, it also helps me to forget about my frustrations; it feels good to be there for others. And finally, the part that refers to dreaming about the unknown future... how true is that!? I know that we probably shouldn't be because it makes things a little frustrating, but it is so hard not, too! :)

Anyways, I do feel as though life is slowly returning to "normal" (whatever that might be)... or at least status qua for now. No major plans for the weekend. I am probably going to have to go into work for a couple of hours tomorrow, didn't get everything done today... but I am really OK with that because I got a lot of other things done. We are going to go visit my father-in-law (FIL) on Sat... that in itself is a whole other story. And finally, I am hoping to get a couple of runs in for the weekend. I ran 2.3 miles yesterday and walked 1.0 mile. Through the ease of technology (Nike+ IPOD hardware and website), I figured out I could challenge my brother to a race. We have until the middle of March to see who can get the fastest 3 mile time. I am really out to beat him! :) I just really want a normal weekend for now; my brain has been on such overdrive that I really hope that I can keep it in neutral through the rest of the weekend.

Resolution.

My early morning was interesting. We have a huge group in bootcamp right now. We have probably ~30+ people. I told T that if my first camp had been like this one, I am not sure I would have ever completed and/or enrolled in abother one.

So this morning, I was faced with many things I don't normally deal well with. 1) Large groups of strangers; 2) Competition (we did timed trials and participants were very competitive with each other); 3) Everyone was talking incessantly (Believe it or not, I really don't like to talk too much first thing in the am); and finally, 4) While doing chest presses, I was stuck between two girls talking about how wonderful motherhood is, how they are "planning" the next pregnancy, how hard pregnancy is on the body, and how "lucky" I am to have not experienced these changes to my body. Really? I just kind of tuned them out, smiled, and the focused on my heavy set of dumb bells. Even though all of this happened before 6:15 am, amazingly, I still left in a good mood! How? I have absolutely NO idea. :) I think it is because of the people that I have met their previously... they are such good and down to earth people. I feel like I am accepted for me. Serious, average, no make-up Keri.

Moving on to the rest of my day. I first want to say that I really I hate the saying patience is a virtue... even though I value and truly understand the truth of the statement! Each day that has gone by over the past week, I truly was just riding the waves at work. Drowning, but never the less continuing to tread water just enough to catch a breath here and there. Once again, a friend asked me... how can you be so patient with work? Once again, my answer was... what choice do I have? I have been in my position long enough that I know just to just give it time for things to work through themselves. Sadly, I doubt many of the conversations that were exchanged and resulted in conflict aren't even remembered.

Anyways, at least the knot in my stomach is finally gone and I feel like I have energy again (for now)... thank goodness! I have no idea what got things back on track, but they are (for now). We still don't have all the pieces in place... but at least we have a little bit of a back-up plan and have some more flexibility again. At least for now, I feel like we have the border completed to this messy puzzle of anticipation on the work front. Huge, I mean *HUGE* relief! I just hope the girl who is our "back-up" plan is going to be just as excited that we got somethings worked out. I am hoping to have a response by tomorrow.

Anyways, as mentioned last night, I also sent an e-mail to our social worker about how "worn down" we were after the adoption readiness seminar and gave examples of why it was so frustrating. I was able to provide some examples of resources we are looking for and would be helpful if presented. I also vocalized that it would be nice to acknowledge the "bitter-sweet" aspects of this process. So much was talked about the grief and difficulties of the birthmom, but very little was addressed about the grief of the adoptive families. Basically, all that was said is that the adoptive family should be "cautiously excited," but really? Excited is still has a positive connotation. I think that adoptive families are pictured as eagerly anticipating their adoption just like a pregnancy... to some extent this is true, but not really.

I think that the Adoption Readiness Seminar also should acknowledge the delicate emotional, grief, and financial aspects that is being balanced during this process would be helpful as well. I told her one of the reasons why we love our agency is because of all the support and focus that is provided for and with the birthmother. That because of all they do for her, it reassures me and is comforting to know that the birthmother has confidence, faith, peace, and closure in her decision to make her adoptive plan. But there needs to be more balance at the adoption readiness seminar in presenting information from both perspectives, birthmom's and adoptive families. Everything at our seminar was just presented from the birthmom's prospective.

Well... I need to be getting ready for bed. Morning is going to come really early and I do want to get to yoga. I am also starting my first day of my nutrition support curriculum and training for the new class of interns. I am really lucky that I have been able to serve in an "adjunct professor" position now since 2002. I cannot believe that I have been teaching Nutrition Support to grad students for 7-years now. Time just flies. I still love it and am so thankful for this opportunity. However, balancing this opportunity and our employee wellness/weight loss challenge at work, in addition to my "usual" work load has really added to everything.

I am really keeping my fingers crossed and hope that everything is on the downhill slide, for now. Resolution to stress has come for now.

Quick Update

Since I left my last entry open ended... here is a quick update since I am really needing to get to bed; 4:40 am is going to come really quickly!

I am finally feeling better tonight, both mentally and physically. I learned years ago, but stress really takes a toll on my body. Today was much better at work. Still have not discussed any staffing issues. I think my supervisor knows she pushed me too far and stressed me out too much, so she has been pretty hands off Monday & Tuesday. She actually called me to have lunch with her today and we just had a pretty chit-chatty lunch, which is a good sign from her. I was still absolutely exhausted last night from both work and drain of the stress. Was in bed by 9:00 and passed-out asleep by 9:30. Really had a difficult time making myself go to Yoga this morning because I was still exhausted, but I went and I am really glad that I did. I think it really helped to get my day off to a little better start.

I have continued to look over possible staffing plans or ways to handle the situation yesterday and today and slowly but surely I am developing a plan in my head how I can address and handle everything; I feel good that my thoughts are starting to form some kind of organization and plan. I just have such a "necessity" and "drive" to have everything organized constantly. I guess I feel like I am on a see-saw right now. I am in a position where I am having to wing things a lot and just take things one day at a time... but my personality is one that I am a planner and must have things in order. It's really tough.

Still through everything, I think I have some "nagging" insecurities lingering in the back of my mind about the adoption process. I think the "Adoption Readiness Seminar" that we attend a couple of weeks ago, actually made me more anxious and concerned about the process working than completely reassuring me. I exchanged an e-mail with our social worker today, and I think that I am going to visit with her more about that the ARS actually made us more anxious about the process rather than reassuring us. I explained a little in my blog by voicing some of the unfairness to this process; but, now that we are further removed from the ARS and back to stress of everyday things like work, I realize that the seminar we attend actually stimulated some of my thought process to how unfair the adoption process is.

You can probably debate... Yes, "adoption readiness" does include acknowledging the unfairness to the process... but as I think about it, it should also make us comfortable with the unfairness (yes, an oxymoron; but can make sense if you think about it). The seminar should NOT have made us more anxious. I guess I just feel like I should being something productive. Right now I am feeling good about trying to provide some "constructive criticism" to our social worker that some of the issues addressed in our seminar could have and should have been handled quite differently. We should not have left there feeling somewhat "tired and beat-up."

Anyways, off to bed for me... as always, I have too many thoughts and words circulating through my head. :) Good night, sleep tight.

PS -- Just read my horoscope again. I hadn't read it for several months until this weekend... but now I am a little addicted because it's weird and very conincidental at how it is reflecting my thoughts about work right now. I guess it just goes to show how you can make it work for whatever is going on in your life.

It's challenging for you to share your big ideas today because you know how delicate your overall plan is in its beginning stages. Unfortunately, you probably haven't had enough time to fill in all the details and you don't want everyone else's input until you're sure of your own thoughts. Don't be in such a hurry; slowing down and solidifying your strategy is smarter than telling everyone what you're going to do. Start on the ground floor and work your way up.

And, YES, I did read the horoscope after I typed my previous blog for tonight!

Am I Ready for Today?

I really don't know. Didn't sleep very well last night, I just couldn't get to sleep. Bootcamp felt really good this morning and I met an amazing person! You could just feel her genuine enthusiasm at 5:30 in the morning. You know that she is always like that, and it was very refreshing; some people you can just sense a very sweet and genuine spirit. She was one that I walked away hoping that we would get to know each other better. I can really see having her as a friend in my life.

Anyways... don't have much time as I need to get ready for work. Just wanted to share my horoscope for today... do I dare hope that my work day will be off to as good of a start? :) Conincidental and odd timing for me to have such a horoscope after I was stressed all weekend. Needless to say, it did bring a smile to my face at the odd timing. I think I should go open a fortune cookie now or buy a lottery ticket? Hee... hee...

You may be in line for a raise or simply an appreciative pat on your back. Naturally, a financial windfall would be better, but acknowledgment from your boss goes a long way now. It's not time to hold yourself back; too much self-restraint can make you miss an important chance to dramatically change your life for the better.

Anyways, more later. I really pray that everything get ironed out today; it just has to. Stay tuned...

Tomorrow is Monday...

This weekend hasn't been too bad. I have enjoyed most of it, but my anxiety about tomorrow at work keeps knocking at my door. Every once and a while, tears just sneak up on me. However, on a scale of 1-10. I would definitely have to give this weekend an average of 7.5. Not too shabby. The scales were definitely tipped more in favor of good memories and some relaxation than not, thank goodness.

Friday night, we just lounged around the house as previously noted. Saturday, we slept in a little. I hopped on the elliptical and then got ready to go for our afternoon out. Before I reflect on the events of the day, I just really want to say that I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. It is just so commercial and sad that as a society we need a day to say "I love you?" Furthermore, I remember back to elementary school days of Valentine's Parties. I remember my mom making me give Valentine's to everyone, which I didn't understand why at the time. I also remember being keenly and sadly aware that some kids would get a lot more Valentine's than me, but I also remember being conscientious that I would get more than some of the other kids. Even as a child, I was always aware of the bitter-sweet things in life. Now, as an adult, I still don't like Valentine's for the very same reasons... my heart just goes out to those people who do not have others in their life "to be a Valentine" with. I believe that people remember and experience more heartbreak on Valentine's day than actually can enjoy and appreciate what the day is about. I know, a pretty depressing viewpoint, but I can't help the way I feel.

Anyways, all week long, everyone at work kept asking, "Ooh, do you have plans for Valentine's Day? Is your husband going to send you flowers? Etc, etc." I just politely said no, mainly because it really didn't matter to me. However, we did have plans. T took the initiative to get us tickets to the Smuckers Stars on Ice Program. To be honest, we he first mentioned it, I really was not excited at all. I was not excited about having a "cheesy date" to a "cheesy event," let alone sharing with other people that I was celebrating this "cheesy day." I kept telling myself it is the thought and the effort that counts. I finally confessed this too him on the way to the event. He smiled and chuckled. He said, "I know. That doesn't surprise me you feel that way. I kind of feel the same way, too." He said that he just wanted to do something out of the ordinary and this caught his eye, that it just so happened to be Valentine's Day. We had a wonderful lunch and then enjoyed a very fun event. It was fun to see all of the performances.

The programs really made me reflect on the awe and wonder of how "sport" and "art" can merge so well. As I have recently starting practicing yoga on a regular basis, there is a lot to yoga that reminds me of my own "sport" background, competitive springboard diving. I love the distinct lines the body can form as it is stretched. I love the feeling of strength in holding a "pose." I love the grace that can be seen in physical flexibility. Yoga has acutely reminded me at how amazing the body is. During the performance yesterday, I had a renewed, or maybe even new found, appreciation for the combination of art and sport. Everything about athlete's movements, stretches, poses, strength, and endurance was absolutely amazing, so artfully skilled and filled with beauty.

I really haven't done too much today. Got ready to go to church this morning, actually got to church a little late, but my feelings snuck up on me again and brought a few tears again, so we went across the street and had an Egg McMuffin instead. I loved just sitting there and spending time with T. Very refreshing and still very much needed, even if that is what we have done all weekend. After we returned home, I did go out for a run to try to rid myself of the stress. It helped somewhat. We have not pushed ourselves to do too much around the house, also very refreshing and nice. We have just enjoyed spending time just being here and with each other.

In closing, I guess I really did have the perfect Valentine's Day. Just being with my best friend and someone who loves me. I guess more importantly, I know that we would have had this exact same weekend regardless of what holiday it was. I guess that is the most important fact to me and what I will go to sleep tonight being thankful for. :)

Irony

OK. Today and tonight I am incredibly anxious and cannot shake it! Ugh! My supervisor at work is stressing me out with her ideas about how we need to get ready for me to be gone and how things need to be staffed to be ready for when we get a baby. She thinks she knows how things work and staffed, but she doesn't; she just has never worked with the schedule upstairs. I know that should be a compliment to me because I always make it work; therefore, she doesn't feel she needs to be involved. But when it comes to making large staffing decisions, she does take the upper-hand and it becomes very difficult to talk to her. I have tried to talk to her and have failed.

I can't seem to be able to communicate to her that she does not have the correct and most up-to-date information. When I have tried to tell her, she feels that I am being argumentative and perceives me as the problem. We run a very slim operation with FTEs and no overtime. How she is wanting to staff will decrease the flexibility of our current schedule and/or cause us to go over our current allowance of budgeted FTEs; neither of which our department can afford. How do you point out to your boss that the staffing plan she wants, does not match the budget!?! I am afraid of hiring someone to help us, and then it not being able to meet their expectations for hours.

Bottom line is, I am disproportionately stressing over this, but I cannot get it off my mind! Ugh! I am afraid if we establish a plan now, we really are just going to have to keep revisiting this every few months until we get a baby. I don't want to have the constant stress of staffing hanging over my head for the next year to 18 months. Coming home tonight was very difficult and I felt defeated when I walked into our empty house. Here it is the weekend and I am still obsessing about work! I am obsessing about a decision that needs to be made... but actually may not be put into full effect until over a year from now! Ugh!

Anyways... as my mind has been racing... I came across my horoscope for today. In reading it, I found some irony, or should I say truth to what it had to tell me for today:

It's challenging for you to lead by example today, especially when you keep changing your mind from minute to minute. You might not trust a decision that you make now, even if you have all the supporting data that you need to justify it. Don't get hung up trying to answer any one question. Just respond to the best of your current ability and be ready to move on.

I am trying not to get hung up on one question, but I feel that I am because of my supervisor's needs and insistence. I have all the supporting data that I need to justify everything, but it is not being received. Once again, this is just another aspect that makes me feel stuck in my job. I am tired of being the one that makes everything work. This is ironic to me, because I like being the person who makes everything work and take great pride in my skills that I am able to do this; but it is also the aspect that end up resenting the most periodically.

These are the things that I have done since 5:00 today to try to unwind. First, I went for a 3.2 run/walk. It felt really good but I still felt jittery and really wound up when I finished. Next, I took a hot shower and gave myself a home facial with a green-tea mask; once again, felt really good, but did nothing for my jitters. A little while later, I shed a few surprise tears that took my husband by surprise as he pulled me into his arms. He asked me what was going on and I just could not find the words. I knew if I started talking, the dam would break. At this point, I just asked him to go to the store to get a bottle of wine to help us relax through the rest of the evening. Since then, I have tried to mindlessly loose myself in other people lives reviewing facebook profiles. Now, I am venting through journaling here on my blog. Slowly but surely (I think ??), I am finally letting go and able to breathe deeply for the first time today.

The other thing ironic to my evening is that I am sitting here watching Cliffhanger. (Side Note: I really do like the movie a lot and could watch it over-and-over again; which I have). I know this is a probably bit dramatic, but I could draw the parallel to this is where I am at in life right now... just hanging from a cliff... the scary part about this feeling is that I am becoming quite accustomed to just hanging here from day-to-day, even more scary that I have become somewhat comfortable with this spot. As I told my friend last night when she asked, "how do you do it? You seem so calm about everything." I just told her, "I really don't have a choice. I can choose to accept where I am at... or I can choose to hate it."

I really, really hope that I can put work and the stress of trying to staff for the unknown future behind me for the next 48-hours. I pray for the insight and wisdom on how to approach this situation without making it that much more stressful. For now, I am just going to enjoy being here on the sofa with my husband who is worried about me, enjoy my glass of wine, and finish watching a good movie, Cliffhanger... where everything doesn't necessarily turn out OK, but everything is resolved in the end. That is comforting to know that there will be resolution down the road... once again, it is just waiting and riding everything out.