Blahs... But I still feel good? I guess more examples of the bitter-sweet life...

I know I need to update and post. I am just really too tired to do so; for some reason I have been procrasting and dreading to post. But right now, I feel that it is a good tired. I still have some random thoughts and impatience going through my head... but mainly things are good right now; status qua with everyday life.

Blah's
* Birth control question -- what should we do? I feel like it just another kick in the stomach to deal with. But... they were never ever to rule out a genetic factor. They couldn't confirm any genetic problems, but they could rule it out either. That if you are dealing with "poor quality" eggs or sperm, it "could" be an issue. Do we want to risk it? Secondly, I probably need to go back on my Lipitor. Lipitor is contraindicated in women who "could" get pregnant. Next, since you are always internally keeping track of the monthly clock in your head, the "what if" question lurks in the back of my mind around mid-month, even though I know it isn't a reality for us. Finally, what if my "dream" becomes a reality and then I miscarry again... could I handle that again? For the most part, I cope fairly well... probably just block these things out and try not to process too much. I keep thinking I will deal with it later... but here we are 6-months later and some decisions need to be made. Well, I have made one decision today... I am starting my Lipitor again... after 4-months of watching what I eat, exercising 5:7 days on average, losing weight... there was absolutely NO CHANGE in my cholesterol levels! Ugh! Oh, well... at least know I can confidently say it is my genes and know that it is going to take more to manage. It is a very low dose and my new doctor who is helping me with my thyroid monitoring was reassuring about starting the Lipitor and not to feel rushed with the birth control issue. One bridge crossed... I feel good about that for now. It only took about 6-months to cross the bridge.

* Blah -- just waiting and not knowing and not hearing anything... I am getting used to this and for the most part I have decided that I am comfortable here. I guess that's good, too.

* Blah -- trying not to contemplate that we have 4-friends delivering their new babies right now. Trying not to pay much attention to the fact that most of our friends are on baby 2-3 and that the new topic of conversation is the "snip-snip" procedures because many of who we know are now "done." We are still waiting to start...

* Blah -- I am tired of everyone treating me like I am "young" ... especially those who are our age! I know that one day I am going to like the fact that we look "young" for our age... but at the same time, I am tired of people saying, "When you have kids... you don't want to rush... etc." I feel that I have had a lot of that recently from a lot of friends who are OUR age!

* Blah -- T's family. I am still totally out of my comfort zone having FIL close by. I don't feel that I am making any progress in accepting this reality. Furthermore, the "saga" with his mom and brother continues to be dragged out and causes disturbance in our hearts.

* Happy -- my uncle is doing *REALLY* well and is now how. They are hoping that all he needs now is his daily chemo pill. He says he feels good and that he is pain-free. My cousin also seems to be doing very well, too. I can't wait to see them all in May! Yeah!

Well... I guess that is why I didn't want to do this blog because I knew that it would seem *very* depressing and really, I don't feel all that depressed. The power of the mind and the glass IS half-full. :) Each day this past week and weekend have been good. Amazingly, I do smile and laugh frequently throughout the day... everyday life I guess as it should. We remain with some very valuable friendships. I LOVE spending time with all my friends and T. I just feel really in sync with him right now. Work is going well with the both of us. I was able to go shopping and got some new clothes because all my other clothes were "too big." I have become a believer in the healing powers of physical exercise... I never thought that I would feel as good as I do... I guess despite all the "blah" thoughts that come and go from my mind... I am content and happy. That is what I focus on and what keeps me going.

For those of you following my blog... your friendship is also what keeps us going as well. Thanks for being there and allowing us to be us. We love you all! :)