Change in Theology

I feel as though I am coming into my own again. I feel that I am rediscovering the person who I used to be. I didn't realize how my "everyday" life and routine had consumed me over the past few years. Now that we are moving forward, I am feeling energy... I am feeling connected... I am feeling opinionated... I am feeling like myself. Today was a big day for me. We received some news about the birthmother we spoke to AND I stood up for how I view this period of our life.

First, I e-mailed our social worker to see if she had heard anything from the birthmother we spoke with. She had. Sadly, the "alleged" birthfather is causing problems for the birthmom and the adoption plan is on hold. Because of the actions the birthfather is taking, he will have to prove paternity now and will not let the birthmother place the baby in adoptive care. My heart just goes out to her because he is essentially placing her and "forcing" her to parent the child; even though she does not feel she is ready or has the resources to be an adequate mother. I cannot imagine the angst the birthmother is feeling right now. Once again, it just shows how life is not fair (to say the least) and how one can truly be trapped by circumstances of life. My heart just breaks for this mother-to-be.

Secondly, before I get into the actual situation... this is a hard blog for me because I don't want it to appear "preachy." But at the same time... it is hard not to talk about infertility and the "miracle of life," and babies, without acknowleging the Faith-based influences and religious theology has on this phase of our life. Whether you are active in your church, have religious influences in your backgroud, or a strong personal Faith... it is hard not to question the role of a higher power in how you cope, what you believe, and how to deal with crappy and unfair circumstances in your life. For us, we are typical midwesterners who participate in organized religion, I would say we are pretty standard Methodists in our Faith and beliefs. We have relied on our Faith and beliefs to help us through the past few years. To us, we cannot imagine enduring what we have endured without our Faith and church family... For us, we believe that we have weathered this storm so well because of our Faith. With that being said, let me outline a conversation that I had tonight.

I got into a discussion with someone else who wanted to "assure" me that "this" is all apart of God's plan. However, with where I am at in life... I just cannot accept being infertile is a part of God's "plan." The person that I was speaking to also went on to say that God "allows" us to hurt. Once again, with where I am at in life... that theology also does not work for me. Is God with me in my hurt, yes. Is He hurting with me, yes. But is he "allowing" this to happen to me, NO... I am sorry, I just cannot accept that.

For myself and where we are at, I believe that this experience is making us stronger people. I believe that we will be able to help others from this experience. I believe that this is will make parenthood so much sweeter for us. I believe that our personal Faith and spirituality, more mature, and has grown. I believe that ultimately we can give purpose to this situation ourselves. That the purpose is not predestined by God. We can either choose to use this "life experience" to grow personally and help others, or we can choose to shut ourselves off from the world and sight of all that is beautiful in this world. We can deal to either choose to deal and play with the cards we have been dealt, or fold and give-up. We can choose for this experience to illustrate how Faith is essential, if not vital, to coping with things out of your control and everyday life at the same time. Faith and beliefs helped us find the strength to continue to endure.

To me, the theology of God's plan and time also does not make sense to me, because: 1) why is a pregnant "man" making headlines of the newspapers?; 2) How can a previously sterile man (Lance Armstrong) father a child?; 3) Why does a mother who already has 6 children continue to pursue infertility in a situation which ethics are questioned, and results in the birth of octuplets so she now has a total of 14 children?; 4) Why did Baby Grace have to suffer?; 5) Why are babies born to mothers who couldn't quit taking drugs while they were pregnant? ... if it's not my time to be a parent, then it implys that it was time for these circumstances to happen? It just doesn't make sense and trying to make sense right now is just futile.

We are back to the saying... it is what it is. End of story. Trying to make sense of this... or rather yet, passively accpeting that this all a part of God's plan... would make me insane and bitter. For now, I just stop and know that theology doesn't work for me. What is hard for me to accept is that others really just cannot understand unless they have "truly" been through it themselves... even if someone has been through it first-hand, it is different for all... and it's definately not the same if their best friend endured, their niece suffered, etc. Right now, I have an insatiable desire to try to make others understand, and that is my Achilles heel in this process. I have to become OK with others not really understanding but think they do -- this is the purpose of this blog. To help me express myself and my thoughts about this journey, to express my thoughts to others.

For now, to cope we just focus on one day at a time... each day is a new day... and that there is something else bigger out there than ourselves that is helping us get through this time in our life. For us, that larger force out there is God and Faith. For me personally, I feel more empowered and confident to handle the road a head of us knowing deep down inside it will be worth it. Even though I know in my head and heart that it is worth it, but that still doesn't make it any easier by a long shot. The road still sucks, the road still painfully hurts, and the road is still too long (there are no short cuts), it is filled with grief, we still must be cautious and gaurded, we cannot always trust -- but we are able to endure because not alone on this journey. This journey was not predistened, this road was not chosen... but we are not alone. End of story.

Sometimes I am asked... how do you do it? But really, to me and how I cope is that I don't have a choice... I can choose to keep going, enduring, focusing on the end, and hanging onto my Faith... or I can choose to get lost on an even longer darker path.

I know that many won't agree with the conversation on many levels. I just want to stimulate people to think from a different perspective. However, it felt good to be confident again and standing up for how my Faith and personal theology has changed during this time. I felt good to be comforable talking about how Faith has influenced how we coped. It just felt good being true to myself as another day passess in our everyday life. Amen.