Irony? De ja vu?

OK -- My horoscope for today was kind of weird to read... especially after yesterday's post:

Losing your temper may be the course of least resistance, but it will only make it harder for you to get what you want today. Part of the problem is that you have been waiting a long time for satisfaction and you have run out of patience. Nevertheless, an explosive emotional outbreak can turn others against you when you need them most. Saying what's on your mind may be the right thing to do, yet being compassionate will convey your message more kindly.

Lesson learned? I guess only the future will tell... or rather, will my horoscope predict?

Am I Ready for Today?

I really don't know. Didn't sleep very well last night, I just couldn't get to sleep. Bootcamp felt really good this morning and I met an amazing person! You could just feel her genuine enthusiasm at 5:30 in the morning. You know that she is always like that, and it was very refreshing; some people you can just sense a very sweet and genuine spirit. She was one that I walked away hoping that we would get to know each other better. I can really see having her as a friend in my life.

Anyways... don't have much time as I need to get ready for work. Just wanted to share my horoscope for today... do I dare hope that my work day will be off to as good of a start? :) Conincidental and odd timing for me to have such a horoscope after I was stressed all weekend. Needless to say, it did bring a smile to my face at the odd timing. I think I should go open a fortune cookie now or buy a lottery ticket? Hee... hee...

You may be in line for a raise or simply an appreciative pat on your back. Naturally, a financial windfall would be better, but acknowledgment from your boss goes a long way now. It's not time to hold yourself back; too much self-restraint can make you miss an important chance to dramatically change your life for the better.

Anyways, more later. I really pray that everything get ironed out today; it just has to. Stay tuned...

Irony

OK. Today and tonight I am incredibly anxious and cannot shake it! Ugh! My supervisor at work is stressing me out with her ideas about how we need to get ready for me to be gone and how things need to be staffed to be ready for when we get a baby. She thinks she knows how things work and staffed, but she doesn't; she just has never worked with the schedule upstairs. I know that should be a compliment to me because I always make it work; therefore, she doesn't feel she needs to be involved. But when it comes to making large staffing decisions, she does take the upper-hand and it becomes very difficult to talk to her. I have tried to talk to her and have failed.

I can't seem to be able to communicate to her that she does not have the correct and most up-to-date information. When I have tried to tell her, she feels that I am being argumentative and perceives me as the problem. We run a very slim operation with FTEs and no overtime. How she is wanting to staff will decrease the flexibility of our current schedule and/or cause us to go over our current allowance of budgeted FTEs; neither of which our department can afford. How do you point out to your boss that the staffing plan she wants, does not match the budget!?! I am afraid of hiring someone to help us, and then it not being able to meet their expectations for hours.

Bottom line is, I am disproportionately stressing over this, but I cannot get it off my mind! Ugh! I am afraid if we establish a plan now, we really are just going to have to keep revisiting this every few months until we get a baby. I don't want to have the constant stress of staffing hanging over my head for the next year to 18 months. Coming home tonight was very difficult and I felt defeated when I walked into our empty house. Here it is the weekend and I am still obsessing about work! I am obsessing about a decision that needs to be made... but actually may not be put into full effect until over a year from now! Ugh!

Anyways... as my mind has been racing... I came across my horoscope for today. In reading it, I found some irony, or should I say truth to what it had to tell me for today:

It's challenging for you to lead by example today, especially when you keep changing your mind from minute to minute. You might not trust a decision that you make now, even if you have all the supporting data that you need to justify it. Don't get hung up trying to answer any one question. Just respond to the best of your current ability and be ready to move on.

I am trying not to get hung up on one question, but I feel that I am because of my supervisor's needs and insistence. I have all the supporting data that I need to justify everything, but it is not being received. Once again, this is just another aspect that makes me feel stuck in my job. I am tired of being the one that makes everything work. This is ironic to me, because I like being the person who makes everything work and take great pride in my skills that I am able to do this; but it is also the aspect that end up resenting the most periodically.

These are the things that I have done since 5:00 today to try to unwind. First, I went for a 3.2 run/walk. It felt really good but I still felt jittery and really wound up when I finished. Next, I took a hot shower and gave myself a home facial with a green-tea mask; once again, felt really good, but did nothing for my jitters. A little while later, I shed a few surprise tears that took my husband by surprise as he pulled me into his arms. He asked me what was going on and I just could not find the words. I knew if I started talking, the dam would break. At this point, I just asked him to go to the store to get a bottle of wine to help us relax through the rest of the evening. Since then, I have tried to mindlessly loose myself in other people lives reviewing facebook profiles. Now, I am venting through journaling here on my blog. Slowly but surely (I think ??), I am finally letting go and able to breathe deeply for the first time today.

The other thing ironic to my evening is that I am sitting here watching Cliffhanger. (Side Note: I really do like the movie a lot and could watch it over-and-over again; which I have). I know this is a probably bit dramatic, but I could draw the parallel to this is where I am at in life right now... just hanging from a cliff... the scary part about this feeling is that I am becoming quite accustomed to just hanging here from day-to-day, even more scary that I have become somewhat comfortable with this spot. As I told my friend last night when she asked, "how do you do it? You seem so calm about everything." I just told her, "I really don't have a choice. I can choose to accept where I am at... or I can choose to hate it."

I really, really hope that I can put work and the stress of trying to staff for the unknown future behind me for the next 48-hours. I pray for the insight and wisdom on how to approach this situation without making it that much more stressful. For now, I am just going to enjoy being here on the sofa with my husband who is worried about me, enjoy my glass of wine, and finish watching a good movie, Cliffhanger... where everything doesn't necessarily turn out OK, but everything is resolved in the end. That is comforting to know that there will be resolution down the road... once again, it is just waiting and riding everything out.