Well, time flies... luckily? Thankfully? I hope? At least right now... Sorry that it has been so long since my last entry. Nothing more has been heard from our birthmother for over 10-days now. With each passing day, she is becoming more and more of a distant memory. Continues to feel surreal that we were actually close to something? I am incredibly exhausted right now... mainly due to not much sleep over the last couple of days because of being busy... nothing more.
I went "home" last Thursday night. It was wonderful! I had nothing planned other than to help mom around the house. It had been a while since I had been "home," just to be at home without any plans. Often when we go home, it is filled with "plans" or some kind of an event. This time, there was no plans. I hadn't anticipated a mini-vacation when I took this trip, but that is what it turned into. A much welcomed and needed escape. The only thing that was missing from the past few days was T. He stayed in Texas this time. He will be going "home" with me in about 3-wks for my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary celebration.
I love being at home. I loved helping mom out around the house. I cleaned through an old bedroom closet and took a trip down memory lane. Many of those memories went to the trash can, but it was productive cleaning never-the-less. I loved sleeping with my bedroom window open at night. I loved taking a jog through the neighborhood without worrying about heat stroke, dehydration, and speeding cars - seriously. I loved reading myself to sleep each night without needing to set an alarm the next morning. I loved going to WalMart with my best friend from High School and going to lunch at McDonald's with her boys. I loved catching up with an old friend from college who know lives in Lawrence and exchanging stories about people we know in common. I loved shopping in downtown Lawrence and just running errands in town. I loved visiting with the neighbor whose cat had moved her 2-wk old kittens into my parent's yard for safety. I loved playing cards with my parents in the evening. I was glad to be at home to help take care of my dad. (He injured his knee and is now needing to return to his orthopedic surgeon). Despite the stress and untimeliness of his injury, there were still many laughs to be had. That is one of the reasons why I love my family so much, is we can always make each other laugh.
I think that is probably what I was needing the most was just laughter and a normal routine. T and I have that on a daily basis, but here... we are constantly reminded by where we are at in life and what we are waiting for. As I have said before, we are very comfortable and for the most part content... but sometimes I feel as though I am living a "ground hog" day life while we are waiting for the next phase to begin. The last 5-days was a wonderful change in pace... I loved just being there in the moment... wanting to help and being able to help, being productive and useful... no plans in place... just smiling and laughing. To me, that is just a little piece of what being family is about.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Two Steps Forward... Three Steps Back...
Well, all communication with the birthmom has stopped. She started experiencing some complications last week (dehydration that triggered some mild preeclampsia)… I guess that was her trigger for desperation to rear its ugly head and escape. She moved out of the birth center over the weekend without telling anyone. She is currently not returning any of the phone calls from the adoption agency. Ironically, the alleged birthfathers are in contact with the agency as they have briefly heard from her. She has told them that she is going to parent and sue them for child support. At this time, that plan holds no water because a) they have already relinquished their rights, b) they can fight the request by asking to prove paternity first, and finally c) how is she going to pay for this need upfront for the court to intervene? The agency says they are keeping all lines of communication open for if they do hear from her and “in case” she changes her mind again and realizes that she does need the help.
Throughout this situation, I am amazed at how you can will yourself to not think about some things and will yourself not to feel some emotions. In retrospect, I was in neutral through this process… or maybe I am in neutral now. I am relieved that we did not make the trip to San Antonio this weekend to meet her and then get there and have her gone. Wow! I cannot imagine the emotional impact that would have had on us. I am relieved that I knew how “undecided” she was. I had started toying with the idea of maybe looking up some baby names (as we did know the gender)… but something held me back. Deep down inside I knew I shouldn’t do it… but the temptation was there.
I am truly thankful that we had a full weekend of activities planned prior to all of this occurring. We had a fun-filled weekend with good friends, good food, and a fun date night to the Keith Urban concert. We had a relaxing day around the house on Sunday and now I am looking forward to going “home” this weekend to spend sometime with my mom.
For once I am relieved that the hecticness of our everyday life was in place a head of time so that we could continue moving forward with life without anything being placed on hold. I truly think that is our saving grace at this point in time. We just continue to move on with our activities and plans… on the other side, we are probably not processing or allowing the emotion of the situation to surface… we are probably just ignoring that for now. I am fine and comfortable with that. In the meantime… our profile continues to circulate… hopefully another bite will come sooner than later.
Throughout this situation, I am amazed at how you can will yourself to not think about some things and will yourself not to feel some emotions. In retrospect, I was in neutral through this process… or maybe I am in neutral now. I am relieved that we did not make the trip to San Antonio this weekend to meet her and then get there and have her gone. Wow! I cannot imagine the emotional impact that would have had on us. I am relieved that I knew how “undecided” she was. I had started toying with the idea of maybe looking up some baby names (as we did know the gender)… but something held me back. Deep down inside I knew I shouldn’t do it… but the temptation was there.
I am truly thankful that we had a full weekend of activities planned prior to all of this occurring. We had a fun-filled weekend with good friends, good food, and a fun date night to the Keith Urban concert. We had a relaxing day around the house on Sunday and now I am looking forward to going “home” this weekend to spend sometime with my mom.
For once I am relieved that the hecticness of our everyday life was in place a head of time so that we could continue moving forward with life without anything being placed on hold. I truly think that is our saving grace at this point in time. We just continue to move on with our activities and plans… on the other side, we are probably not processing or allowing the emotion of the situation to surface… we are probably just ignoring that for now. I am fine and comfortable with that. In the meantime… our profile continues to circulate… hopefully another bite will come sooner than later.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My mind is racing...
I am still processing the conversation we had with our birthmom on Tuesday.... my mind won't stop racing. I was exhausted yesterday and am feeling some energy return to me today. I had a good conversation with the adoption program director and our social worker today. I voiced some of the questions I posted to them last night and received some good advice in return (ie -- how paying off our balance would work or how should we plan for leave from work if she won't commit until after the baby is born).
The director instructed us to remain "cautiously excited" because the birthmom is still so undecided and not ready to even discuss an cooperative agreement with us. I could tell that she was greatly reassured when I told her that we truly have nothing for the baby... we do have a crib, but no mattress and the walls of the to-be nursery are still eggshell white. Even though I am a planner... I have started to look forward to the day that I can frantically go on a shopping spree and the necessities overnight if need be... I do regret that I will miss out on the experience of planning, registering, and nesting of a traditional pregnancy... but my desire to always have the glass half-full has already starting thinking about the fun of doing it this way, too... I can tell that I probably am more excited about our conversations with the birthmother than I should be, because of all the red flags that are present with the birthmom hesitating at committing to a cooperative agreement for placement.
After talking with the director, I had a long discussion with our social worker about our emotional needs and how we are going to deal with the reality if she does not place with us in the end. I told our social worker that was a risk I was willing to take and I feel that it is worth it... what do we have to lose? Yes, it will be sad... yes, it will be hard... yes, we will grieve... but I assured her we would not be angry (I hope); we have already been through so much that we are willing to take that risk. I feel like we have a good support system and resources in place to get us through this... However, the one thought that truly makes me cringe and anxious... is the thought that if this one does not work out... the amount of time that might pass before we get another nibble or bite with someone who is interested in us.
I really don't know how to organize or share all the thoughts in my head... I really hope they slow down and relax because there is too much time between now and whenever we get a baby placed with us...
I am looking forward to the weekend... it will go by quickly. We have dinner plans with some friends on Friday night, and another set on Saturday lunch. We are going to the Keith Urban concert on Sat... I am really excited about that. Hopefully the events of the weekend will help me return to my everyday life and distract me from the racing thoughts in my head.
For now, Good Night, Sleep Tight. :)
The director instructed us to remain "cautiously excited" because the birthmom is still so undecided and not ready to even discuss an cooperative agreement with us. I could tell that she was greatly reassured when I told her that we truly have nothing for the baby... we do have a crib, but no mattress and the walls of the to-be nursery are still eggshell white. Even though I am a planner... I have started to look forward to the day that I can frantically go on a shopping spree and the necessities overnight if need be... I do regret that I will miss out on the experience of planning, registering, and nesting of a traditional pregnancy... but my desire to always have the glass half-full has already starting thinking about the fun of doing it this way, too... I can tell that I probably am more excited about our conversations with the birthmother than I should be, because of all the red flags that are present with the birthmom hesitating at committing to a cooperative agreement for placement.
After talking with the director, I had a long discussion with our social worker about our emotional needs and how we are going to deal with the reality if she does not place with us in the end. I told our social worker that was a risk I was willing to take and I feel that it is worth it... what do we have to lose? Yes, it will be sad... yes, it will be hard... yes, we will grieve... but I assured her we would not be angry (I hope); we have already been through so much that we are willing to take that risk. I feel like we have a good support system and resources in place to get us through this... However, the one thought that truly makes me cringe and anxious... is the thought that if this one does not work out... the amount of time that might pass before we get another nibble or bite with someone who is interested in us.
I really don't know how to organize or share all the thoughts in my head... I really hope they slow down and relax because there is too much time between now and whenever we get a baby placed with us...
I am looking forward to the weekend... it will go by quickly. We have dinner plans with some friends on Friday night, and another set on Saturday lunch. We are going to the Keith Urban concert on Sat... I am really excited about that. Hopefully the events of the weekend will help me return to my everyday life and distract me from the racing thoughts in my head.
For now, Good Night, Sleep Tight. :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Still thinking....
We really don't know too much more... we do know that she remains interested in us... she continues to be very undecided... we did have another phone conversation with her in "private" (no social workers present) and that went very well. We hope that maybe she decides she is willing to meet us... maybe if she meets us she will feel more comfortable with starting an adoption plan.
As with conception, the odds remain against us... at the time of signing, national statics show that only 50% of mothers actually relinquish their rights. However, 50% is a lot better odds than we had while going through infertility. I am also finding comfort and appreciate that she is honest about that she is not sure what she wants to do...
Being a big fan and advocate of personal space myself... I truly identify and understand her need for space; but, at the same time... plans in the big picture need to be discussed and made. A birth plan is needed so everything is handled smoothly and sensitively in the hospital. Maternity leaves needs to be arranged. We need to make financial arrangements to handle the final legal and adoption fees/costs. We need to get a car seat at the very least...
My level of patience over the past few years has constantly amazed me and I continually surprise myself. But I also know... what will I gain from being impatient? Nothing. Why waste my energy being negative and inpatient. It is what it is... we continue to wait...
As with conception, the odds remain against us... at the time of signing, national statics show that only 50% of mothers actually relinquish their rights. However, 50% is a lot better odds than we had while going through infertility. I am also finding comfort and appreciate that she is honest about that she is not sure what she wants to do...
Being a big fan and advocate of personal space myself... I truly identify and understand her need for space; but, at the same time... plans in the big picture need to be discussed and made. A birth plan is needed so everything is handled smoothly and sensitively in the hospital. Maternity leaves needs to be arranged. We need to make financial arrangements to handle the final legal and adoption fees/costs. We need to get a car seat at the very least...
My level of patience over the past few years has constantly amazed me and I continually surprise myself. But I also know... what will I gain from being impatient? Nothing. Why waste my energy being negative and inpatient. It is what it is... we continue to wait...
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
No News Yesterday...
Well, we didn't receive any news from the social worker... I am sure this means she didn't hear from the birthmother. I am really not "disappointed" or "upset" over this because the birthmother has been very honest about if she is wanting to file for an adoption plan. She has been very up front about she had not made a decision... to me, this "lack of follow-through" is consistent with being indecisive. In return, I can honestly say that I do understand being indecisive and unsure if I was her... In some ways, I appreciate the reluctance because I know that she is really taking this seriously. Maybe that is just me being hopeful and positive... meanwhile, our profile does continue to circulate... if it is not her this time, there will be another... it is the unknown time frame that really stresses me out the most. I will update more as I know more.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Response to Blog Entry
A -- Thank you so much for you comment! Your gift for words just amazes me and I only wish that I was just as eloquent... that is what I was trying to vocalize in my blog is how much my awareness has increased to broken-heartedness around me in everyday life and the everyday lives of others. You are also exactly right in that it is a choice... I choose to remain hopeful and optimistic... I too have my down days... but at the same time, I know that if I turn down the dark path of negativity, anger, and fear... I will probably not return, and the relationships in my life will be forever changed.
K -- thanks so much for sharing your inspirational words... you are also right in sharing hoping they will bring comfort to others in trying and difficult circumstances. That is one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to reach and and let others know that this process is not as lonely as it seems.
K -- thanks so much for sharing your inspirational words... you are also right in sharing hoping they will bring comfort to others in trying and difficult circumstances. That is one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to reach and and let others know that this process is not as lonely as it seems.
Quick Update...
I have been postponing this post because I just haven't wanted to think about things. We should know more from the our social worker tomorrow. The birthmom that we have been speaking to is to touch base with our social worker tomorrow, as to the next step in keeping the "adoption plan" moving forward. The birthmom we were speaking with wanted this weekend before committing to moving forward with anything. The next step would be meeting face-to-face.
After our phone call last week, we talked with our social worker and the program director. They were really good with us in discussing some of the "red flags" with this situation and not to get our hopes up too much. Some of the red flags included: 1) she is not ready to move forward with meeting us despite initiating and wanting to speak with us twice; 2) she actually forgot and fell asleep prior to the second phone call; 3) she cannot verbalize what her "expectations" or "needs" are for wanting an open adoption; and 4) she really didn't have specific questions for us in the second phone call.
For us, it is hard not to be hopeful (again) because she has a "simple" history and medical background, nothing complicated that we have to compromise on; plus, the presumed birthfather has already signed away and relinquished his rights. In our mind, the pros and cons are balanced at this point... even though our social worker and director caution us they feel there are more cons than pros. Per our social worker, many mom's who are thinking about an adoption plan are often looking for someone to "save" them and "help" them. She thinks that this birthmom is waiting for that "fairy tale" and dream to come true; she is just hoping that a friend or family member will come forward and say I will help you. It appears that the birthmom continues to hold out waiting for an answer even though she is in the third trimester.
It's kind of ironic that both the birthmom and us are looking for that "happily ever after" verse for our lives... It is a daily see-saw of hopes and dreams... we continue to wait patiently, pass our time and hope that it will be sooner than later.
After our phone call last week, we talked with our social worker and the program director. They were really good with us in discussing some of the "red flags" with this situation and not to get our hopes up too much. Some of the red flags included: 1) she is not ready to move forward with meeting us despite initiating and wanting to speak with us twice; 2) she actually forgot and fell asleep prior to the second phone call; 3) she cannot verbalize what her "expectations" or "needs" are for wanting an open adoption; and 4) she really didn't have specific questions for us in the second phone call.
For us, it is hard not to be hopeful (again) because she has a "simple" history and medical background, nothing complicated that we have to compromise on; plus, the presumed birthfather has already signed away and relinquished his rights. In our mind, the pros and cons are balanced at this point... even though our social worker and director caution us they feel there are more cons than pros. Per our social worker, many mom's who are thinking about an adoption plan are often looking for someone to "save" them and "help" them. She thinks that this birthmom is waiting for that "fairy tale" and dream to come true; she is just hoping that a friend or family member will come forward and say I will help you. It appears that the birthmom continues to hold out waiting for an answer even though she is in the third trimester.
It's kind of ironic that both the birthmom and us are looking for that "happily ever after" verse for our lives... It is a daily see-saw of hopes and dreams... we continue to wait patiently, pass our time and hope that it will be sooner than later.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Fragility...
OK -- this is a post that I wrote yesterday. I was having a day of deep thoughts and contemplation. I held off on posting it because I was afraid it would come off as preachy, depressing, or misunderstood. I think it can stand for itself right now... it is just is a reflection on life in general. Take it for what it is... there are no hidden meanings or messages... I still can just be taken aback by all the my friends endure and handle themselves on a everyday life. There are so many times that I feel like I am still I kid playing grown-up and trying to live a grown-up life.
I know that many of you are wanting an update of our phone call from today. It went OK, but there are many red flags there. I am really tired right now and am a little on overload from all the thinking I have done over the last couple of days. I will post more tomorrow about the phone call today.
Once again, I cannot tell you all how much your messages and intuition meant to me on FB today. You guys truly surprised me by picking up on the true nature of the phone call so quickly. It felt good to have so many people truly caring and sincerely interested in what is going. Thank you SO very, very much!
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I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts and figure out how I want to approach this entry. First let me start off by saying that I do believe we live a pretty normal life... and to some extent, many would say it is a "sheltered" life. However, the more I learn about the people around me and in my life... sometimes I want to return to a time in my life where I really was naive to things around me. I guess the different between now and then is that, "now" I choose to keep myself sheltered; whereas, "then" I was sheltered because of naivety. Throughout the last few years, I have become acutely aware to how fragile relationships and the heart can be, despite people's best efforts to make and keep them strong and healthy.
Here are some examples of some different situations that I have encountered recently either personally or through my friendships. First, how strong can you keep your heart when a birthmother chooses you and then changes her mind? This has happened to friends of ours, not once but twice. To me, this process is the same as a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. I cannot imagine, how can she be so strong, keep going? I am not sure that I could -- and truly admire her and her husband, they are an inspiration for us during our own adoption process.
How strong can you keep your heart, when your spouse has an affair? (obviously this is not us!) I just found out today that we have close friends whose marriage is being challenged by this and they are trying to refocus on their vows and reconcile. I truly admire them for this, but unsure if I could be that strong. I have seen and read stories about how couples who struggled for years of infertility, eventually get divorced because it consumes their lives and the grief and loss of not being able to conceive tears them apart. (Jon & Kate + 8 may be a good public example of that, along with many other factors as well).
How strong can you keep your heart during times of trial when you don't have the support of your family? How strong can someone keep their heart when themselves or a loved one constantly struggles with depression? How strong can you keep your heart when there are constant financial worries and stresses? How strong can you keep your heart when you are not sure you will have a job tomorrow? How strong can you keep your heart when the "norm" (birth of a child) is actually a day of loss for you (birthmother who giving her child up to adoption)?
My list can go on and on... as I started thinking about things today... it almost seems to be the norm to have many things that weaken and break your heart on a daily basis. Over the past few years, I have become more acutely aware that it is almost more normal for people live with broken hearts on a daily basis vs. finding happiness in their everyday life around them... It truly boggles my mind (to say the least and as an understatement)... it makes me thankful for how well we have weathered this period of our life... but at the same time, it makes me keenly aware of how quickly grief, loneliness, and a broken heart can happen even in the strongest of people. What makes us different that we can continue to endure and find happiness in our daily lives and others were not?
To me... to us... I think the difference is that we have always embraced that "it is what it is." (Yes, there have been times when we have hated and resented this saying... but we have never denied the truth in these words). We have neither pretended to be nothing we are not, nor avoided situations in our life, but have always addressed everything head on with each other... it is VERY tough to do and easier said than done, but I can honestly say it works. Life does sneak up on you, your heart does become broken long before you realize it... but as I told a friend tonight, I know that you will overcome this regardless of the outcome. Keep searching for the peace you are looking for and you can find it... it might take time, your heart might still remain broken and wounded, but you can and will endure and find happiness again. You CAN heal and endure as long as you keep trying and refuse to give up.
In closing, I apologize for the "depressing" nature of this blog. My mind was just racing with many of the other difficult situations out there involving people that I know. Being the "thinker" that I am, sometimes I just cannot help wondering what I would do if I were them or how did that happen. I cannot help but wonder what are we doing different to stay strong...
I know that many of you are wanting an update of our phone call from today. It went OK, but there are many red flags there. I am really tired right now and am a little on overload from all the thinking I have done over the last couple of days. I will post more tomorrow about the phone call today.
Once again, I cannot tell you all how much your messages and intuition meant to me on FB today. You guys truly surprised me by picking up on the true nature of the phone call so quickly. It felt good to have so many people truly caring and sincerely interested in what is going. Thank you SO very, very much!
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I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts and figure out how I want to approach this entry. First let me start off by saying that I do believe we live a pretty normal life... and to some extent, many would say it is a "sheltered" life. However, the more I learn about the people around me and in my life... sometimes I want to return to a time in my life where I really was naive to things around me. I guess the different between now and then is that, "now" I choose to keep myself sheltered; whereas, "then" I was sheltered because of naivety. Throughout the last few years, I have become acutely aware to how fragile relationships and the heart can be, despite people's best efforts to make and keep them strong and healthy.
Here are some examples of some different situations that I have encountered recently either personally or through my friendships. First, how strong can you keep your heart when a birthmother chooses you and then changes her mind? This has happened to friends of ours, not once but twice. To me, this process is the same as a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. I cannot imagine, how can she be so strong, keep going? I am not sure that I could -- and truly admire her and her husband, they are an inspiration for us during our own adoption process.
How strong can you keep your heart, when your spouse has an affair? (obviously this is not us!) I just found out today that we have close friends whose marriage is being challenged by this and they are trying to refocus on their vows and reconcile. I truly admire them for this, but unsure if I could be that strong. I have seen and read stories about how couples who struggled for years of infertility, eventually get divorced because it consumes their lives and the grief and loss of not being able to conceive tears them apart. (Jon & Kate + 8 may be a good public example of that, along with many other factors as well).
How strong can you keep your heart during times of trial when you don't have the support of your family? How strong can someone keep their heart when themselves or a loved one constantly struggles with depression? How strong can you keep your heart when there are constant financial worries and stresses? How strong can you keep your heart when you are not sure you will have a job tomorrow? How strong can you keep your heart when the "norm" (birth of a child) is actually a day of loss for you (birthmother who giving her child up to adoption)?
My list can go on and on... as I started thinking about things today... it almost seems to be the norm to have many things that weaken and break your heart on a daily basis. Over the past few years, I have become more acutely aware that it is almost more normal for people live with broken hearts on a daily basis vs. finding happiness in their everyday life around them... It truly boggles my mind (to say the least and as an understatement)... it makes me thankful for how well we have weathered this period of our life... but at the same time, it makes me keenly aware of how quickly grief, loneliness, and a broken heart can happen even in the strongest of people. What makes us different that we can continue to endure and find happiness in our daily lives and others were not?
To me... to us... I think the difference is that we have always embraced that "it is what it is." (Yes, there have been times when we have hated and resented this saying... but we have never denied the truth in these words). We have neither pretended to be nothing we are not, nor avoided situations in our life, but have always addressed everything head on with each other... it is VERY tough to do and easier said than done, but I can honestly say it works. Life does sneak up on you, your heart does become broken long before you realize it... but as I told a friend tonight, I know that you will overcome this regardless of the outcome. Keep searching for the peace you are looking for and you can find it... it might take time, your heart might still remain broken and wounded, but you can and will endure and find happiness again. You CAN heal and endure as long as you keep trying and refuse to give up.
In closing, I apologize for the "depressing" nature of this blog. My mind was just racing with many of the other difficult situations out there involving people that I know. Being the "thinker" that I am, sometimes I just cannot help wondering what I would do if I were them or how did that happen. I cannot help but wonder what are we doing different to stay strong...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Back to Reality...
Vacation was wonderful! Very, very much needed. I was kind of dreading today knowing that tomorrow is Monday and we return to where we were at before vacation. We both slept in this morning... very nice. We watched a couple of movies, I then returned to my typical routine on the elliptical. At first, all I could think... back to the grind... then towards the end I felt really good. We got around and then I ran out to do errands. Running around town getting back into my typical routine makes me realize how much this is home to us. It is hard for me to admit how being in Texas is home, but is home for now and that is all that matters. Furthermore, there is nothing like a summer temp of 108 degrees in Texas that puts you in the mood for *real* Mexican food... yum, yum... guess where we are going for dinner tonight? :)
I was dreading stepping on the scale this morning. I had just achieved my latest goal of dropping below the next 10# mark for me the Friday morning before vacation! What timing. I counted calories for the first half of vacation, not so much the second half. We were active during vacation on the lake... but we were also very lazy. I had no idea what to expect after a week of not counting calories, not weighing myself, and no exercise. I was pleasantly surprised that I was only back up to my weight at the end of last Bootcamp. Only 1.5 back up -- the weight I had stabilized at prior to dipping below the next 10# mark. Not too bad, but am motivated now to get back into my normal, healthy routine.
I am dreading returning to work tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. A co-worker who was helping cover for me said that everything went really well and the census is low. Good. Makes it a little easier to return. But I am sure that I will hit the ground running -- I am not too sure if I am ready for the rat race just yet.
Finally... and probably what I am most nervous about... is I need to call our social worker first thing in the morning to set up another phone conversation with a potential birth mom. I am completely excited... but incredibly nervous at the same time. I feel that my heart is guarded... I feel like I am gambling... I feel like I am trying to sell myself... I am afraid of failure because "we" are not "good enough." I know that isn't how this process is or what it is about... but sometimes that is sure what it feels like.
With the routine of returning to my everyday life... I am going to continue to keep myself busy and occupied -- that is the only way I can keep going right now and not put too much thought into the adoption process -- I so despretly want to believe that it will happen soon than later; I can hardly stand the thought that this could continue on for another year or so.
We have a lot of committments over the next 6-8 weeks, which I am looking forward to, but is also stressing me out at the same time. I want to start cross-stitching again. I am currently 1/2 way through a new brainless Nora Roberts book... and loving it (as usual)! What is it about a good cheesy romance novel that is so soothing as well? I still have plans to start a new blog for nutrition information. I am still working on a few household projects. Why can't there be more time during the day?
Anyways, enough of this blog entry for now. Just wanted to get something down to refocus my attention and help settle back into reality. I will keep you all posted... as always, thanks for your support and for reading!
I was dreading stepping on the scale this morning. I had just achieved my latest goal of dropping below the next 10# mark for me the Friday morning before vacation! What timing. I counted calories for the first half of vacation, not so much the second half. We were active during vacation on the lake... but we were also very lazy. I had no idea what to expect after a week of not counting calories, not weighing myself, and no exercise. I was pleasantly surprised that I was only back up to my weight at the end of last Bootcamp. Only 1.5 back up -- the weight I had stabilized at prior to dipping below the next 10# mark. Not too bad, but am motivated now to get back into my normal, healthy routine.
I am dreading returning to work tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. A co-worker who was helping cover for me said that everything went really well and the census is low. Good. Makes it a little easier to return. But I am sure that I will hit the ground running -- I am not too sure if I am ready for the rat race just yet.
Finally... and probably what I am most nervous about... is I need to call our social worker first thing in the morning to set up another phone conversation with a potential birth mom. I am completely excited... but incredibly nervous at the same time. I feel that my heart is guarded... I feel like I am gambling... I feel like I am trying to sell myself... I am afraid of failure because "we" are not "good enough." I know that isn't how this process is or what it is about... but sometimes that is sure what it feels like.
With the routine of returning to my everyday life... I am going to continue to keep myself busy and occupied -- that is the only way I can keep going right now and not put too much thought into the adoption process -- I so despretly want to believe that it will happen soon than later; I can hardly stand the thought that this could continue on for another year or so.
We have a lot of committments over the next 6-8 weeks, which I am looking forward to, but is also stressing me out at the same time. I want to start cross-stitching again. I am currently 1/2 way through a new brainless Nora Roberts book... and loving it (as usual)! What is it about a good cheesy romance novel that is so soothing as well? I still have plans to start a new blog for nutrition information. I am still working on a few household projects. Why can't there be more time during the day?
Anyways, enough of this blog entry for now. Just wanted to get something down to refocus my attention and help settle back into reality. I will keep you all posted... as always, thanks for your support and for reading!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Soothing of the Senses
It is days like today that I wish I could bottle and remember forever... I will always have the memories and pictures... but the sensory component of this lazy day is what I will miss the most. I am sitting the in the shade, outside, with a breeze blowing over my bare arms and legs. Off in the distance I can see the warm summer sun reflecting off a lake that is like glass. The air is so clean and fresh. My eyes are filled with color. My heart is filled with peace and happiness... for now. I just want this to last for so much longer. I dream of a day where this can always be life. I contemplate on how I can simplify our life more. Being here with family, just makes my heart long for a day with our children. I want to share this week so much and have it apart of OUR family story and life. Even though my heart is longing, I continue to enjoy the daydreams that fill my mind and heart. I just love the outdoors and country so very much.
I am glad for the distraction of this week. We heard back from the birthmother that we spoke with about 10-days ago. She is wanting to speak with us again. I am here with family which have been SO supportive, but I am afraid to say anything for jinxing this process. I am afraid that it will lead to questions that I don't have the answers for. If I say something and nothing more moves forward, I am not sure how to go back and say nothing happened. It is just so hard to describe how this process works. Maybe it is because I cannot wrap my mind around how this process works.
Today is my brother's and SIL anniversary. It is hard to believe that it was 4-years ago today that they got married. Happy Anniversary you two! :) I am thinking of you and enjoy your day as well.
I am glad for the distraction of this week. We heard back from the birthmother that we spoke with about 10-days ago. She is wanting to speak with us again. I am here with family which have been SO supportive, but I am afraid to say anything for jinxing this process. I am afraid that it will lead to questions that I don't have the answers for. If I say something and nothing more moves forward, I am not sure how to go back and say nothing happened. It is just so hard to describe how this process works. Maybe it is because I cannot wrap my mind around how this process works.
Today is my brother's and SIL anniversary. It is hard to believe that it was 4-years ago today that they got married. Happy Anniversary you two! :) I am thinking of you and enjoy your day as well.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Vacation!
At last... some much needed R&R, downtime, and time to clear my head. It feels so good to be away from the rat race a little while. I feel like some of the swirling thoughts in my head are slowing down and are starting to fit into place. For now I am content and that is good... whenever work and returning to everyday life crosses my mind, I do feel some anxiety in going back, but it is only fleeting and I will face those emotions on Sunday.
Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.
Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Some relief and moving on...
Update. I think that the easiest way to do this post is in bullet format. To many thoughts going through my mind. Sorry if it is a little random and disorganized, but that is essentially my life right now.
For those of you who are reading my blog regularly, please feel free to ask any questions about what is going on. I will be more than happy to answer and discuss in my blog. Thank you again for all the support. Good night.
- How do I feel about the interview? I felt like I was in neutral right after the interview. She asked a lot of good questions... we talked for almost 45-minutes... I am just so unsure and insecure that we were able to be specific enough in our answers. I just felt like we babbled and rambled a lot. I have a tendency to do that in normal conversation anyways, let alone when I am nervous.
- I had a very good follow-up and conversation with our social worker today. I thanked her for all the information she had provided us and prepared us very well. She told us that the birthmom is interested in us and liked us... but is still processing everything and trying to figure out if an adoption plan is in her best interest and the best interest in her baby. I told our social worker, that is fine -- it is what it is; besides, what other choice do we have? I understand that this is not any easy process or decision for anyone involved. I truly mean that; I really want the birthmom to feel very comfortable with her decision, and on some level, I hope that she can be proud or excited (I am not sure if those are the right words) that she has chosen us. I want her to feel so comfortable with us and the family life that we can offer a baby.
- Our social worker said that the birthmother may be interested in speaking with us again in the future, although when in the future was not specified. I said that we had the same feelings. I discussed some of my questions about this process and the conversation we had with the birthmom as well. That we would love to have the opportunity to speak again and get to know each other a little more, be able to ask more specific questions, answer questions more specifically, and learn more about each other before any decisions are made. We are comfortable with that for that now and we are comfortable with it being on the birthmom's time. It feels good being able to say that for now.
- After the phone call, I was feeling very melancholy that developed into some anxiety. I just couldn't get some of the questions out of my mind. This process is just so hard. I had a really hard time unwinding before I went to bed. It was probably well after 11:30 before I was able to fall asleep.
- I was also frustrated because I didn't get my workout in like I had wanted. I am sure that would have helped me release some of my stress. I was just so drained initially after the conversation from nerves, that I could not motivate myself. I guess another lesson learned... I just need to make myself do it. However, I find myself doing so much like that these days.
- There is a lot going on at work these days. I have new dietetic intern with me right now that I am training. She will be with us for ~400 hours of supervised practice. I have to get ready for a presentation on Thursday; no presentation ready to go. I am also just trying to get everything organized to get ready for a week off.
- We are still dealing with some family politics/issues; but taking the passive path of least resistance seems to be working and hopefully some resolution will be found with just the passing of time.
- I am READY for vacation! I am so excited to get away from the rat race of everyday life. I am READY for some R&R. I love how the cabins that we go to every summer do not have any TVs in them. I love the fact that we have minimal cell phone access. I love the fact that do not miss wearing my watch at all or do not care what time it is. It is such a peaceful week filled with family, fun, food, laughs, love, and memories forever.
For those of you who are reading my blog regularly, please feel free to ask any questions about what is going on. I will be more than happy to answer and discuss in my blog. Thank you again for all the support. Good night.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Catch-Up
OK -- I am so, so sorry that it has been a while since my last post. Things have been a little chaotic to say the least. Things have been hectic at work with the start of a new intern that we will have for the next 9-weeks. It was the last week of Bootcamp, so I was trying to be really good with my cardio on off days to finish strongly and have really good numbers. We were hit pretty hard by the storms on Wednesday and Thursday (no power for a majority of those days and luckily, no major damage to our house but we had neighbors that did sustain significant damage). I was able to get a lot accomplished around the house chore wise on Saturday. And finally, I enjoyed some personal shopping time and a fun evening of softball with T.
His team took first place in the spring league. It was such a close game and so much fun to watch. Everyone was there cheering. It was tied 4-4 at the end, so it went into extra innings. T's team has so many good, good guys on. You can always just feel their friendship and camaraderie while playing. They are such a good example because they do truly play for fun and just happened to win the league. It was such a fun night with friends. It really will be a fun and special night to remember. It was the perfect summer night, too. Warm but with a nice breeze blowing. We all could have probably stayed out all night just enjoying the peaceful weather.
Bootcamp finished very well. I still have a few more pounds I want to lose; but I continued to loose inches and % body fat; I was pleased with my results and cannot wait to start again. Once again, my bootcamp buddies are just such a fun group of people... it is truly the people that make all the difference. It feels good to have found a "niche" with others and have something in common outside of my "typical" everyday life.
Finally, and most importantly... the other distraction that we have had in our life... or rather should I say I have been trying to find other things to distract myself from... is that we have a birthmom who is interested in our profile and wants to visit with us. This is truly baby step #1 ALL OVER AGAIN... nothing to get excited about, just part of this circular process. We were supposed to have a phone interview with her on Friday night, but it got postponed until tonight (Monday). According to our social worker, she is interested in making an adoption plan, but probably still hasn't decided and confirmed that his her intentions. Like us, she is still learning how this process works and trying to weigh all options and decided what is in her and the child's best interest. I kept myself busy most of the weekend... which worked (and probably deep down inside what I wanted), because I seldom found myself thinking about this potential. I am almost positive that I really didn't want to think about or deal with the thought of an interview until it happened. Now, I am feeling very nervous, anxious, and unprepared. I think T is prepared, but I am not. It is such a surreal feeling to be on-the-fence. This could be just another mother expressing interest or it could be "the one." Once again, the extremes are just so mind boggling -- so right now my coping mechanism is opting for the path of least resistance and not thinking or processing things. On another level, that is probably why I felt the need to indulge in retail therapy this weekend... was I was trying to distract myself.
Another bitter-sweet moment of life... I was talking to a new grandmother last week who made the comment to me, "you know, that is one of the most special times in a mother's life... when she can be there for the birth of a grandchild." As always, I just smiled and said "Absolutely, I know." ... and I wish and dream ...
Anyways... enough of that for now. I really need to get some work done this afternoon before I head home for the interview. I am counting down the days until our wonderful stress-free and escape into vacation.
His team took first place in the spring league. It was such a close game and so much fun to watch. Everyone was there cheering. It was tied 4-4 at the end, so it went into extra innings. T's team has so many good, good guys on. You can always just feel their friendship and camaraderie while playing. They are such a good example because they do truly play for fun and just happened to win the league. It was such a fun night with friends. It really will be a fun and special night to remember. It was the perfect summer night, too. Warm but with a nice breeze blowing. We all could have probably stayed out all night just enjoying the peaceful weather.
Bootcamp finished very well. I still have a few more pounds I want to lose; but I continued to loose inches and % body fat; I was pleased with my results and cannot wait to start again. Once again, my bootcamp buddies are just such a fun group of people... it is truly the people that make all the difference. It feels good to have found a "niche" with others and have something in common outside of my "typical" everyday life.
Finally, and most importantly... the other distraction that we have had in our life... or rather should I say I have been trying to find other things to distract myself from... is that we have a birthmom who is interested in our profile and wants to visit with us. This is truly baby step #1 ALL OVER AGAIN... nothing to get excited about, just part of this circular process. We were supposed to have a phone interview with her on Friday night, but it got postponed until tonight (Monday). According to our social worker, she is interested in making an adoption plan, but probably still hasn't decided and confirmed that his her intentions. Like us, she is still learning how this process works and trying to weigh all options and decided what is in her and the child's best interest. I kept myself busy most of the weekend... which worked (and probably deep down inside what I wanted), because I seldom found myself thinking about this potential. I am almost positive that I really didn't want to think about or deal with the thought of an interview until it happened. Now, I am feeling very nervous, anxious, and unprepared. I think T is prepared, but I am not. It is such a surreal feeling to be on-the-fence. This could be just another mother expressing interest or it could be "the one." Once again, the extremes are just so mind boggling -- so right now my coping mechanism is opting for the path of least resistance and not thinking or processing things. On another level, that is probably why I felt the need to indulge in retail therapy this weekend... was I was trying to distract myself.
Another bitter-sweet moment of life... I was talking to a new grandmother last week who made the comment to me, "you know, that is one of the most special times in a mother's life... when she can be there for the birth of a grandchild." As always, I just smiled and said "Absolutely, I know." ... and I wish and dream ...
Anyways... enough of that for now. I really need to get some work done this afternoon before I head home for the interview. I am counting down the days until our wonderful stress-free and escape into vacation.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Glass is Half Full...
About a week ago, I went back through all my blog entries and reread them. That really was fun to do. I was afraid of what I might find and cringe at my overactive thought processes written down as a part of "public domain." I was relatively surprised at how much I enjoyed reading my old entries.
I started this blog because several people had asked me if I was blogging through this process. After much thought and debate over a couple of months, I took the plunge last January. I decided to start this blog with two main purposes in mind: 1) for those who are interested in the daily thought processes and emotions that accompany this process, it will be easier to read a blog than have a 2-hour conversation every time I see them (even for me, that would get old -- no offense to any of my wonderful and supportive friends :)...); and 2) I decided that I would like to personally start keeping a journal during this time to maybe help remember this time for when our child will have questions about their adoption process.
What concerned me about my blog and enabling others to read it was... I was afraid it would come accross overly negative, I was afraid that it would stimulate people to "feel sorry" for us, I was afraid that it would push people away because they would perceive me as always being a Debbie Downer. Any of those above is the last thing that I needed and wanted with this blog. Please, for those of you who are following me regularly... please feel free to provide feedback and ask questions about what is going on. I really want this blog to be more informational, educational, and supportive of how everyday life continues on "normally" while you are having a whole new set of emotions, thoughts, and communication with the infertility or adoption process that is consuming your time.
I guess what stimulated this entry was I felt like I had had several "deeper" thought process blogs recently about coping and grief. I wanted to reassure everyone that we are finding a lot to laugh about on a daily basis. We have found our "niche" in life right now along this bumpy road. What keeps us going is:
* Projects that we enjoy doing -- home improvement projects; we are nesting in a very big and slow way.:) * Finding things to do around the area -- I think that we are going to head over to the Old McKinney Square later this weekend and/or catch a movie. * I think this summer is the longest summer that I have been able to keep my hanging flowers outside alive. Yea! They are beautiful. * I love watching for my Black Swallowtail Butterfiles to come by. * I am truly loving the reconnection to many friends that I have found on-line through FB and my blog. Thank you. But I must confess, sometimes being who I am, I do overwhelm myself with my desire and need to stay connected. :) * Trying to find new and different work projects to keep my stimulated in my field -- I promise, I am still wor
king on getting my career realted blog up and going on-line. * My physical activity -- I cannot believe how fit and active I have become over the last 9-months. I truly feel like a new person, words just cannot explain. :)
My words of advice to anyone who is going through a difficult time, I think the most important things that have helped us through these years has been: focusing on the things that we like to do, keeping a schedule and routine, and be intentional in all of our activities and all that we do. Finally, it has been through reaching out to others, asking for help, and maintaining our friendships that has helped us the most. This has been the most difficult because it takes time of energy, two things that often run low during tough times... but is is truly the factor that you cannot let go of.
Well, on that note... I am off to a morning run before it gets too hot. My weight continues to be stable. I just want to get this last 3-5# off so I can honestly say that I am the same weight I was when we got married 10-years ago. I am almost tempted to open up my wedding dress and try it on to see how things fit... but then I would need to have it re-preserved again. Hee... hee...
Have a wonderful weekend and I hope everyone enjoys the weather before the heat of the summer sets in. Take care.
I started this blog because several people had asked me if I was blogging through this process. After much thought and debate over a couple of months, I took the plunge last January. I decided to start this blog with two main purposes in mind: 1) for those who are interested in the daily thought processes and emotions that accompany this process, it will be easier to read a blog than have a 2-hour conversation every time I see them (even for me, that would get old -- no offense to any of my wonderful and supportive friends :)...); and 2) I decided that I would like to personally start keeping a journal during this time to maybe help remember this time for when our child will have questions about their adoption process.
What concerned me about my blog and enabling others to read it was... I was afraid it would come accross overly negative, I was afraid that it would stimulate people to "feel sorry" for us, I was afraid that it would push people away because they would perceive me as always being a Debbie Downer. Any of those above is the last thing that I needed and wanted with this blog. Please, for those of you who are following me regularly... please feel free to provide feedback and ask questions about what is going on. I really want this blog to be more informational, educational, and supportive of how everyday life continues on "normally" while you are having a whole new set of emotions, thoughts, and communication with the infertility or adoption process that is consuming your time.
I guess what stimulated this entry was I felt like I had had several "deeper" thought process blogs recently about coping and grief. I wanted to reassure everyone that we are finding a lot to laugh about on a daily basis. We have found our "niche" in life right now along this bumpy road. What keeps us going is:
* Projects that we enjoy doing -- home improvement projects; we are nesting in a very big and slow way.:) * Finding things to do around the area -- I think that we are going to head over to the Old McKinney Square later this weekend and/or catch a movie. * I think this summer is the longest summer that I have been able to keep my hanging flowers outside alive. Yea! They are beautiful. * I love watching for my Black Swallowtail Butterfiles to come by. * I am truly loving the reconnection to many friends that I have found on-line through FB and my blog. Thank you. But I must confess, sometimes being who I am, I do overwhelm myself with my desire and need to stay connected. :) * Trying to find new and different work projects to keep my stimulated in my field -- I promise, I am still wor
king on getting my career realted blog up and going on-line. * My physical activity -- I cannot believe how fit and active I have become over the last 9-months. I truly feel like a new person, words just cannot explain. :)My words of advice to anyone who is going through a difficult time, I think the most important things that have helped us through these years has been: focusing on the things that we like to do, keeping a schedule and routine, and be intentional in all of our activities and all that we do. Finally, it has been through reaching out to others, asking for help, and maintaining our friendships that has helped us the most. This has been the most difficult because it takes time of energy, two things that often run low during tough times... but is is truly the factor that you cannot let go of.
Well, on that note... I am off to a morning run before it gets too hot. My weight continues to be stable. I just want to get this last 3-5# off so I can honestly say that I am the same weight I was when we got married 10-years ago. I am almost tempted to open up my wedding dress and try it on to see how things fit... but then I would need to have it re-preserved again. Hee... hee...
Have a wonderful weekend and I hope everyone enjoys the weather before the heat of the summer sets in. Take care.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Grief, it does sneak up on you... But that's OK.
I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend last night. She is on modified "bed-rest" and activity restrictions. She is only 12-weeks pregnant. More than likely, her restrictions will increase throughout her pregnancy. She was on "true" bed-rest for 7-months of her second pregnancy.
We were professional friends and acquaintances through work; when we worked together, we realized we had many things in common just through daily conversation and have stayed in touch through the years. Well, about 5-yrs ago, she delivered a beautiful baby girl prematurely at 26-27 weeks (I think). This beautiful baby girl, graced our lives for about ~6-8 weeks before passing away. My friend has since had a wonderful baby boy who is now 3 1/2 yrs old. I really began to get to know E during this time of grief after her first baby passed away. I always admired her and her husband for how graciously and unselfishly they handled their grief. The grief was very evident in their lives... but they had a strong support system in place, and openly acknowledged their grief to others. I am sure they grieved much, much deeper in private than I could ever imagine as well.
E has been so supportive of us during our time of struggling of trying to start our family. It was nice to bounce off my random thoughts and discuss how tough the adoption roller-coaster is. She was so reassuring, calm, and soothing. She just seems to know how to respond. Thank you. I wish that I could be the eloquent in my friendships and time of need.
There was a moment in the conversation in which her Baby Girl was referenced, she really teared up remembering those weeks in the NICU. She commented, "does it ever go away?" I was so taken aback at the rawness of her emotions because every other time we have spoken of her angel, it has always been with strength and purpose. I then couldn't find the words acknowledge or express... I just took her hand a squeezed it. What bothered me the most was that my eyes stayed dry... I was glad that she could talk openly with me about it, I was glad that I was there, I learned something -- the rawness will always remain, it will heal, but it will always be on your heart. But then, I also felt selfish because I realized that I was too tired and drained from life for my emotions to come easily and naturally. I was sad because I wasn't able to grieve with her or provide more reassurance and comfort to her because I didn't have the energy -- it was kind of another surreal experience.
At this time, I truly cannot imagine the mental and emotional strength it takes on a daily basis focusing on taking care of herself and staying positive during having a high-risk pregnancy. E's strength just inspires me in our own journey and unknown future. She is there for me and me for her... Comfort was found and I am looking forward to our future conversations together. I just hope that I can give the support that she needs during the months a head. Please keep E and her family in your prayers and close to you heart over the next 6-months.
We were professional friends and acquaintances through work; when we worked together, we realized we had many things in common just through daily conversation and have stayed in touch through the years. Well, about 5-yrs ago, she delivered a beautiful baby girl prematurely at 26-27 weeks (I think). This beautiful baby girl, graced our lives for about ~6-8 weeks before passing away. My friend has since had a wonderful baby boy who is now 3 1/2 yrs old. I really began to get to know E during this time of grief after her first baby passed away. I always admired her and her husband for how graciously and unselfishly they handled their grief. The grief was very evident in their lives... but they had a strong support system in place, and openly acknowledged their grief to others. I am sure they grieved much, much deeper in private than I could ever imagine as well.
E has been so supportive of us during our time of struggling of trying to start our family. It was nice to bounce off my random thoughts and discuss how tough the adoption roller-coaster is. She was so reassuring, calm, and soothing. She just seems to know how to respond. Thank you. I wish that I could be the eloquent in my friendships and time of need.
There was a moment in the conversation in which her Baby Girl was referenced, she really teared up remembering those weeks in the NICU. She commented, "does it ever go away?" I was so taken aback at the rawness of her emotions because every other time we have spoken of her angel, it has always been with strength and purpose. I then couldn't find the words acknowledge or express... I just took her hand a squeezed it. What bothered me the most was that my eyes stayed dry... I was glad that she could talk openly with me about it, I was glad that I was there, I learned something -- the rawness will always remain, it will heal, but it will always be on your heart. But then, I also felt selfish because I realized that I was too tired and drained from life for my emotions to come easily and naturally. I was sad because I wasn't able to grieve with her or provide more reassurance and comfort to her because I didn't have the energy -- it was kind of another surreal experience.
At this time, I truly cannot imagine the mental and emotional strength it takes on a daily basis focusing on taking care of herself and staying positive during having a high-risk pregnancy. E's strength just inspires me in our own journey and unknown future. She is there for me and me for her... Comfort was found and I am looking forward to our future conversations together. I just hope that I can give the support that she needs during the months a head. Please keep E and her family in your prayers and close to you heart over the next 6-months.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
A "trip" and lessons learned...
Well... amazing how quickly things are put into perspective. On Sat, T worked out on our new patio from about 9am to 3pm. He did really well making sure to stay cool and hydrated. Well, I guess his efforts were not enough. Saturday night, he was sick from heat exhaustion. He basically slept Sunday away. Was feeling OK, but weak on Monday and headed on into work. He got home that night... went straight to bed. At this point, I am still OK with how he was feeling because it was my understanding that heat exhaustion can take a couple of days to recover from. Well, I go back to check on him around 7:30. He has spiked a significant fever 101.6 and remains very lethargic/achy. Because of the fever and feeling worse... I decide it is time to go the ER. I am trying not to show how nervous I am. I was really worried about the 2-3+ days of dehydration on his kidneys. I am having fears (knowing they are probably irrational) of acute renal failure secondary to dehydration and/or rhabdomyolitis that can then lead to acute renal failure. I keep trying to convince myself I am being paranoid and that this is probably "no big deal." However, I knew that for my piece of mind... I needed to go a head and take him to the ER.
We had a fantastic ER experience which immediately put me at ease. We were triaged immediately, in our room, and talking to the PA within 15-minutes of arrival at the ER. I never once received the impression that we had "overreacted" and that this was "typical" or "nothing." (Thank Goodness). They immediately started T on IV fluids, 2 bags of repletion later... we were headed home. His blood panel and renal function appeared fine. He was feeling much, much better and alertness was improved. He is on the mend... and I think a lesson learned for him about limits and the power of mother nature. I am pretty certain that had we waited until the morning to just go to the doctor's office, he would've been much worse and sicker than he already was. It is amazing how quickly the body can respond to treatment. T's elevated temp had cooled and returned to normal after to bags of fluids.
In reflection, between the time between I decided that we needed to go to the hospital, and the time we were triaged, my mind was just flooded with anxious thoughts racing a head. Bottom line, once things settled, I realized and had gained a new appreciation for how we are as a "team." Being strong together often comes so naturally that we don't realize how much we depend on our unity. The thought of having to be strong for T and not having him be strong with me was one of the most intimidating thoughts of all. You don't realize how strong you both are together until one is truly weakened. Despite our struggles, I realize how good things are when we are together and united. I know it's cheesy metaphor, but it's true. It is something you know is always present in your relationship, but when it was presented to me in a true physical manifestation... it became that much closer to the heart.
On a much lessor note, another lesson learned... I realized that my hunger and appetite is truly stimulated by stress! I am a true stress eater! When I got to the ER and T was settled and the IV fluids were running... I was starving and ravenous! Luckily, we have wonderful friends close by and someone was able to bring me a "bedtime meal" from Chick-Fil-A. When I first decided to take T to the hospital, I flipped into "take charge" mode. Earlier, I had called a friend of ours that is close-by because I wanted someone to know that we might need help later that night. I called J and just told her T wasn't doing well and we where we were headed. She stopped by our ER room shortly there after for support... Luckily, the only support needed by that time was physical nourishment for me. I was feeling reassured by then, but it was so nice to have someone there. Family is more than just being related... we have friends that are just as close as family, if maybe sometimes not a little closer. I am so glad that we didn't have to do this alone... Thank you. From this hectic and chaotic experience... I somehow gained the strength to continue being "OK" with the roller coaster of the adoption experience. Wow, what a round about way to cope. Whew! On that note, Good Night! :)
We had a fantastic ER experience which immediately put me at ease. We were triaged immediately, in our room, and talking to the PA within 15-minutes of arrival at the ER. I never once received the impression that we had "overreacted" and that this was "typical" or "nothing." (Thank Goodness). They immediately started T on IV fluids, 2 bags of repletion later... we were headed home. His blood panel and renal function appeared fine. He was feeling much, much better and alertness was improved. He is on the mend... and I think a lesson learned for him about limits and the power of mother nature. I am pretty certain that had we waited until the morning to just go to the doctor's office, he would've been much worse and sicker than he already was. It is amazing how quickly the body can respond to treatment. T's elevated temp had cooled and returned to normal after to bags of fluids.
In reflection, between the time between I decided that we needed to go to the hospital, and the time we were triaged, my mind was just flooded with anxious thoughts racing a head. Bottom line, once things settled, I realized and had gained a new appreciation for how we are as a "team." Being strong together often comes so naturally that we don't realize how much we depend on our unity. The thought of having to be strong for T and not having him be strong with me was one of the most intimidating thoughts of all. You don't realize how strong you both are together until one is truly weakened. Despite our struggles, I realize how good things are when we are together and united. I know it's cheesy metaphor, but it's true. It is something you know is always present in your relationship, but when it was presented to me in a true physical manifestation... it became that much closer to the heart.
On a much lessor note, another lesson learned... I realized that my hunger and appetite is truly stimulated by stress! I am a true stress eater! When I got to the ER and T was settled and the IV fluids were running... I was starving and ravenous! Luckily, we have wonderful friends close by and someone was able to bring me a "bedtime meal" from Chick-Fil-A. When I first decided to take T to the hospital, I flipped into "take charge" mode. Earlier, I had called a friend of ours that is close-by because I wanted someone to know that we might need help later that night. I called J and just told her T wasn't doing well and we where we were headed. She stopped by our ER room shortly there after for support... Luckily, the only support needed by that time was physical nourishment for me. I was feeling reassured by then, but it was so nice to have someone there. Family is more than just being related... we have friends that are just as close as family, if maybe sometimes not a little closer. I am so glad that we didn't have to do this alone... Thank you. From this hectic and chaotic experience... I somehow gained the strength to continue being "OK" with the roller coaster of the adoption experience. Wow, what a round about way to cope. Whew! On that note, Good Night! :)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Reflection...
To me, one of the toughest challenges to this process is reassuring others that you are "OK." It is kind of an oxymoron that a lot of our time is spent reassuring others that we are OK, instead of vice-versa. When you are happy, they think that you are faking it... when you are sad, they infer that you are emotionally unbalanced. People say it is "OK" to grieve and struggle (which is true); but yet, when they find out that you are grieve and struggling... they don't know how to respond. One of two things happen. First, they ignore that they are aware of the sadness surrounding the situation, hence making you pretend things are better than they actually are. Or two, they talk with you and try to talk you out of your feelings. "There really is no reason for you to be feeling that way." I know their intentions are good, I know they want to help... Ironically, it is those who care about you the most, who get the most frustrated, because they want to help, they want to fix... but they can't. All I am searching for is balance in my life. A temporary halt from the roller coaster of emotions, and hiatus from the see-saw of how people react and relate to you.
However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?
Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.
However, why can't people understand that by just being there is all that matters, all that is needed, and all that is wanted. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is just what the doctor ordered... having a friend that you can say "Life is hard," and they say, "I know, I am so sorry." Even just saying, "I don't know what to say," ... is better than trying to think and make something up. Nothing needs to be justified or explained but that is what people want from you. From my perspective right now, it is what it is. If we are OK with that... then why can't others be OK with that?
Once again, in conclusion, just remember that being a friend and just by being there is all that matters, is all that is needed, and all that is wanted. That is the most important thing of all through this process... is those that are there for us unconditionally. We are fortunate that we have had so many people in our life who are "there" for us, no matter what. Thank you.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Are we coasting?
Wednesday was a pretty good and productive days for me. I felt like I was slowly but surly getting back into the comfortable swing of my everyday routine. Wednesday was tough morning at bootcamp. My thighs are screaming at me today... I guess that is good. I continue to try to challenge myself with bootcamp and my at home routines so I can these next few pounds and return to the weight I was when we got married. It feels good to be making progress or accomplishing something in my life right now.
I have had a couple of "ah-ha" moments today. I was visiting with a professional friend/acquaintance of T's and mine. He was just supportive and reassuring today when he asked how it was going. He was so reaffirming at how "normal" and "well-adjusted" Tracy and I are through this process. "Trust me, K... I see a variety of people daily through my office who do not have the outlook, ability to cope, or perspective on life that you and T have." That was good to hear that compliment from an outside source... especially someone who typically either sees T or me, we are occasionally together when visiting our friend.
With his statement, I was reminded of a personal promise that I made myself ~5+ years ago when we first started trying to start our family. I was not going to let this process consume me. I was not going to let it consume our relationship. I was not going to let it define my identity. Infertility and family can so often become all consuming... it is a very slow process, but one day you wake up and your identity and purpose in life is gone. Yes, we do experience our grief and frustration daily... but so do many other people in many other and much more difficult circumstances than our own. Getting through this time, I just need to refocus and draw strength again from the promise I made myself and T so long ago.
On that note, the other "ah-ha" moment just came right before this post. We heard back from our social worker... and we are officially "not it" again. Not surprising or unexpected. However, as I was sitting here reading the e-mail... all I could think is how *much* *much* harder this waiting and anticipation of the adoption process is than the infertility treatments were for me. Coming into the adoption process, I was anticipating much of the same roller coaster of emotions, anticipation, and waiting. I was not expecting an much bigger and longer roller coaster of emotions... Well, here we are on this ride of a lifetime.
PS -- I do have a couple more blog posts and themes that I want to explore. I have started composing one that reflects on the meaning of home; and the other idea that is circulating in my head discusses the many faces and roles that I play in my everyday life. FWIW. I am just trying to find the right words to adequately express these future posts. As always, thank you for reading and for all of your support. I know that I have said it many times before, but it is truly the support of family and friends that we have found the strength to not let this time of our lives consume us.
I have had a couple of "ah-ha" moments today. I was visiting with a professional friend/acquaintance of T's and mine. He was just supportive and reassuring today when he asked how it was going. He was so reaffirming at how "normal" and "well-adjusted" Tracy and I are through this process. "Trust me, K... I see a variety of people daily through my office who do not have the outlook, ability to cope, or perspective on life that you and T have." That was good to hear that compliment from an outside source... especially someone who typically either sees T or me, we are occasionally together when visiting our friend.
With his statement, I was reminded of a personal promise that I made myself ~5+ years ago when we first started trying to start our family. I was not going to let this process consume me. I was not going to let it consume our relationship. I was not going to let it define my identity. Infertility and family can so often become all consuming... it is a very slow process, but one day you wake up and your identity and purpose in life is gone. Yes, we do experience our grief and frustration daily... but so do many other people in many other and much more difficult circumstances than our own. Getting through this time, I just need to refocus and draw strength again from the promise I made myself and T so long ago.
On that note, the other "ah-ha" moment just came right before this post. We heard back from our social worker... and we are officially "not it" again. Not surprising or unexpected. However, as I was sitting here reading the e-mail... all I could think is how *much* *much* harder this waiting and anticipation of the adoption process is than the infertility treatments were for me. Coming into the adoption process, I was anticipating much of the same roller coaster of emotions, anticipation, and waiting. I was not expecting an much bigger and longer roller coaster of emotions... Well, here we are on this ride of a lifetime.
PS -- I do have a couple more blog posts and themes that I want to explore. I have started composing one that reflects on the meaning of home; and the other idea that is circulating in my head discusses the many faces and roles that I play in my everyday life. FWIW. I am just trying to find the right words to adequately express these future posts. As always, thank you for reading and for all of your support. I know that I have said it many times before, but it is truly the support of family and friends that we have found the strength to not let this time of our lives consume us.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Chocolate Promises
I have never been much of a chocolate fan... let alone, I have never had much of a sweet tooth. On the other hand, I have no will power when it comes to chips, salsa, cheese (salty) types of foods. A couple of years ago, a friend introduced me to "real" dark chocolate. The dark chocolate of quality and novelty... not a cheap or imitation type of dark chocolate. The one that I love the most is Dove Dark Chocolate. I love these individual miniatures because it is like eating a fortune cookie, but with so much more flavor and richness. When you unwrap each piece of goodness, you are greeted by a "Dove Promises Message."
Very, very appropriate for where I am at right now in life, and what we are going through right now. I had a wonderful weekend back home; but, I returned to Texas feeling a little melancholy and more stuck in life than normal. The grey cloud of reality is hoovering over my head and I cannot not shake it. My reality check is that we truly are in this for the long-haul. We have always known this and have been committed to this idea, but I am feeling this reality. A piece of me in my mind and heart has hung onto the dream that we could be "lucky" in that our adoption would happen sooner than later. That dream is slowly fading and the reality is starting to set in. It is slowly becoming more and more difficult to see the end of this road. We are still fine with where we are at, but just cannot shake our feelings of discouragement when we have no idea how far away the finish line is. T echoed my feelings last night while we were talking with each other.
My little foil wrapping with words of encouragement is one to keep for the refrigerator door. That is truly what we are doing right now and will continue to do. I really don't know how much more I can keep giving and keep going in my everyday life, especially when I am feeling stuck... but it is little random reminders like this one that refreshes me and reminds me that I can continue to move forward and take one day at a time. As I have said many times before... what other choice do we have? Afterall, another day down does really bring us one day closer to our baby... whenever that might be... :)
Mine tonight:
Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.
Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.
Very, very appropriate for where I am at right now in life, and what we are going through right now. I had a wonderful weekend back home; but, I returned to Texas feeling a little melancholy and more stuck in life than normal. The grey cloud of reality is hoovering over my head and I cannot not shake it. My reality check is that we truly are in this for the long-haul. We have always known this and have been committed to this idea, but I am feeling this reality. A piece of me in my mind and heart has hung onto the dream that we could be "lucky" in that our adoption would happen sooner than later. That dream is slowly fading and the reality is starting to set in. It is slowly becoming more and more difficult to see the end of this road. We are still fine with where we are at, but just cannot shake our feelings of discouragement when we have no idea how far away the finish line is. T echoed my feelings last night while we were talking with each other.
My little foil wrapping with words of encouragement is one to keep for the refrigerator door. That is truly what we are doing right now and will continue to do. I really don't know how much more I can keep giving and keep going in my everyday life, especially when I am feeling stuck... but it is little random reminders like this one that refreshes me and reminds me that I can continue to move forward and take one day at a time. As I have said many times before... what other choice do we have? Afterall, another day down does really bring us one day closer to our baby... whenever that might be... :)
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