My mind is racing...

I am still processing the conversation we had with our birthmom on Tuesday.... my mind won't stop racing. I was exhausted yesterday and am feeling some energy return to me today. I had a good conversation with the adoption program director and our social worker today. I voiced some of the questions I posted to them last night and received some good advice in return (ie -- how paying off our balance would work or how should we plan for leave from work if she won't commit until after the baby is born).

The director instructed us to remain "cautiously excited" because the birthmom is still so undecided and not ready to even discuss an cooperative agreement with us. I could tell that she was greatly reassured when I told her that we truly have nothing for the baby... we do have a crib, but no mattress and the walls of the to-be nursery are still eggshell white. Even though I am a planner... I have started to look forward to the day that I can frantically go on a shopping spree and the necessities overnight if need be... I do regret that I will miss out on the experience of planning, registering, and nesting of a traditional pregnancy... but my desire to always have the glass half-full has already starting thinking about the fun of doing it this way, too... I can tell that I probably am more excited about our conversations with the birthmother than I should be, because of all the red flags that are present with the birthmom hesitating at committing to a cooperative agreement for placement.

After talking with the director, I had a long discussion with our social worker about our emotional needs and how we are going to deal with the reality if she does not place with us in the end. I told our social worker that was a risk I was willing to take and I feel that it is worth it... what do we have to lose? Yes, it will be sad... yes, it will be hard... yes, we will grieve... but I assured her we would not be angry (I hope); we have already been through so much that we are willing to take that risk. I feel like we have a good support system and resources in place to get us through this... However, the one thought that truly makes me cringe and anxious... is the thought that if this one does not work out... the amount of time that might pass before we get another nibble or bite with someone who is interested in us.

I really don't know how to organize or share all the thoughts in my head... I really hope they slow down and relax because there is too much time between now and whenever we get a baby placed with us...

I am looking forward to the weekend... it will go by quickly. We have dinner plans with some friends on Friday night, and another set on Saturday lunch. We are going to the Keith Urban concert on Sat... I am really excited about that. Hopefully the events of the weekend will help me return to my everyday life and distract me from the racing thoughts in my head.

For now, Good Night, Sleep Tight. :)