Shooting Star

Tonight, for the first time in many years... I saw a shooting star. We were driving back into Dallas this evening from attending our Adoption Readiness Seminar. I saw this bring streak in the sky... I immediately saw it and wondered if it was a shooting star. I continued to stare it it in disbelief because, really? How can you see a shooting star in the haze and glare of the city lights. We were just south of downtown Dallas, only 30-minutes from home.

As the glow faded from the sky, and the reality that I just saw a shooting star sunk in... my heart instinctively called out it's deepest wish. "Star light. Star bright. I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight."

Do I dare entertain the thought that is was a sign? Do I dare take comfort in my dreams and wishes? Our social worker and lawyer just spent all day trying to help and teach us to accept the realities of adoption and the impact it will have in our lives until we are able to bring a child home.

I just spent another day becoming comfortable with the fact that life "is what it is." I just spent another day become more acutely aware at how unfair this process is. We cannot plan for a boy or girl. Since there is always a chance a birthmother may decide to parent, we probably should choose not to have a baby shower before we bring home our child, even if we have been "chosen." Furthermore, we will probably have to share the process of picking a name for the baby with the birthmom. We may not be able to be present for the birth of our child. We will probably not be able to be surrounded by our family and friends during the birth of our child. All of the planning, nesting, and traditions that are associated with having a baby probably will not be a part of our family story.

So much of the joy that a couple experiences with a pregnancy, we must cautiously approach and share with the birthmother as she is experiencing her own mixed emotions and grief. For many of these rituals have been bypassed in her life as well. We were even coached today to be "cautiously excited" about placement because there are too many unknown variables to this process that can lead to disappointment; that even once we have been "matched" and "chosen," the "official" and "legal" decision of the birthmother cannot be made until 48-hours after the baby's birth.

The one thing we kept hearing over and over and again and again was... you will "know" when a match is right. I couldn't help but to keep thinking of the birthmom we visited with a little over a week ago. It did feel so right and comfortable for us and I think it did for her as well. How can I convey this to our social worker that there truly was something there other than our emotions, high hopes, and excitement? I know that the birthmom is struggling with her decision, I understand it is hard. I just want her to know that we will respect and support her decision no matter what... even if she doesn't choose us. I want her to know that we are still here for her, I hope that she doesn't feel like she is alone in the process. Even if this is not our "match," I want to remember this as a positive experience to our story.

Is it all worth it. Absolutely! I just continue with the confidence and faith that knows we will have our own special moments and memories of waiting to bring our child home. Even though we are going to be missing a "life experience" that often defines a couple, I know that I am in the process of experiencing something so very special and unique myself. The longing and desire that a parent, who wants to adopt, has for a child cannot be explained unless it has been experienced firsthand. I don't know if I will ever be able to find the words to describe the humility and honor that comes with someone who can so unselfishly give another the greatest gift of all... a baby.

"Star light. Star bright. I wish I may, I wish I might, have my wish come true tonight." Goodnight to all... and I wish for peace fill the minds and hearts those who are struggling with very big issues and decisions in their everyday lives... especially to the birthmom who showed interest in us and renewed our family hopes for what is to come.