De ja vu...

De ja vu… I think I have another post that has this same title. So then it really is De ja vu in every sense. I just received an e-mail from our social worker. Our profile is being show (along with several others) to a birth mother this afternoon. Once again, I had just returned to a place in my life where it wasn’t consuming my thoughts. Once again, I had just returned to a place where I wasn’t feeling insecure with “why doesn’t someone choose us?” Well, I am back on that roller coaster. After I read the e-mail, I sat staring at my computer for a few minutes… I am to the point that I really don’t know how to respond or react. The excitement and emotion is gone for now. Once again, I my heart dropped into my stomach and all that is there is a heavy feeling. I want to believe that maybe we have a chance. That maybe this could be it…. But my mind is saying, “probably not.” It’s a weird feeling to be hoping for a “maybe” these days. Previously, I was to a point that I would allow myself to be excited about maybe having a reason to be excited…. if that makes any sense?

The aspects to my de ja vu feelings today include:
** Starting my patient care notes after my rounding in the NICU. For some reason, I find it so ironic that my niche here in the hospital remains the NICU during this time of my life. ** I am in the middle of a patient care note and I cannot continue because my mind is swamped with thoughts and emotions about the e-mail I just received from our social worker. ** The feeling that is now in the pit of my stomach and probably won’t go away for a while. ** The time of day. I still have a least two hours of work to complete before I can leave. I just want to leave now. ** The overwhelming feeling of… what can I do? Then followed by the realization of nothing. ** All I have is information that I can do nothing with. ** Now my head is pounding because of all that was triggered by the reality of de ja vu. **

We have been through this process before and nothing lessons. The intensity remains and the roller coaster ride of our “everyday life” continues.

Anyways...

Wow! These last couple of weeks have been tough! Things are slowly starting to fall back into place and I am feeling “in-control” again. Everything was just becoming very chaotic with the politics associated with T’s family, disappointment sinking in with the adoption process, feeling tired and rundown, work being stressful for both of us, etc… and I am always just amazed at how much hormonal changes can skew rational thinking… even though you know it’s because of that and you know that you aren’t thinking rationally, it is just makes it all that tougher!

Anyways… I had a wonderful conversation with a friend last Wednesday. I texted her from work and asked if I could come over around 5:30. Of course she said, “Yes.” And then I told her that I would probably cry and that I was PMSing, and she said all the more reason to come over. Within a couple of minutes of walking in the door… she just looked at me and said, “Oh, honey… it’s OK. You are just so raw right now, everything is stinging and hurts.” It felt *so* good to have someone verify and be able to help me find the words of how I was feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically. After chit-chatting for a few minutes more… she asked or rather stated, “You are homesick, too, aren’t you?” That hadn’t really occurred to me, but I did have to admit that I was. Wow! One more thing to add to the pot of emotions… Oh, well. Its life and sometimes it just hits you all at once. Timing always seems to be impeccable with these issues.

Anyways… Time does heal… and last week is behind us. Life “feels” like is slowly returning to “normal” for now. It is frustrating knowing (in the back of our minds) that these “dysfunctional issues” are going to keep coming back again and again; once again, it’s just a matter of time before the cycle starts again with people crossing boundaries into your life.

Anyways… here is just a sampling of the things we have done to keep ourselves busy and keeping moving forward. Smiling and laughing have returned, thank goodness!
** I was able to go running a few times over the weekend – I am focusing on my goal of wanting to run at least a 5K consistently for exercise. ** I have taken “another” job, (just prn at a long-term acute care facility; I will cover for a friend of mine when she is not available)… nothing big or major, but it will be nice to have some extra money here and there. ** I had a massage on Saturday. It was very nice. ** I took advantage of an introductory offer for a yoga studio close by our house. 10-days for $10. It is heated yoga and has been very fun. T has been going with me as well. We have participated in 3-classess since Saturday. T has really surprised me at: 1) how much he enjoys it, and 2) how good he is at it, too! ** I had my measurements taken again for Bootcamp, I don’t have the results yet… but I am anxious to see my measurements and %body fat to see if there is improvement. Even though my weight won’t budge right now, my clothes continue to fit really well. I am hoping that my %body fat has decreased some more. ** I have been staying busy with getting ready for the start of the NTDA year. That has been a very nice change of pace being involved and organizing something again. ** For the holiday weekend, we went out to eat with friends of ours that have just moved here from Kansas. They have a little girl who is ~14-15 months who is adorable! She is so much fun and we had a great Mexican dinner with them all. **

Well, I guess that is it for now. When I started this blog entry, I originally had it titled, “Where to begin?” As I was finishing up, I realized that a much better title was “anyways.” I find myself saying that a lot these days as I try to accept the fact that life and everything “is what it is.” Also, not to mention that Martina McBride’s song Anyways is one of my favorites, in which that I have always been able to identify with over the last 2-3 years with everything that has happened. Besides, what better way than to have a blog entry titled after a personal theme song that you identify with? It truly sums-up and ties everything together for now.

I want to thank you all for the little e-mails of support and encouragement. I love every one of them and I love staying connected to you. Thank you.

*Sigh*

Well... I had really intended that my next blog be more upbeat and positive... kind of how I like to see my personality most of the time. Things are fine... status qua. I had a good evening last night with a friend who is going to help us "remodel" our portfolio for the prospective birth mothers. It felt really good to be productive. I posted on FB tonight that I should have worked-out... I think that is probably to blame for part of my blah mood... not to mention that mother nature is knocking at the door for her monthly visit. Oh, well... the cycle of life for now... no pun intended.

I am just filled with... or rather I am slowly becoming overwhelmed by my feelings of "not being good enough." It's tough... not only are we not feeling "good enough" on the adoption front... but I am also seen as a "not good enough" daughter-in-law. (I really just want to scream and pull my hair out!) It's is completely draining in itself despite everything else going on. I am not quite "good enough" to get this last 5-10# off... my weight continues to plateau. I am also feeling like I am not a "good enough" friend to some. People are just moving on... especially since we are in a different places in life... people change and move on. People tend to gravitate towards those they have things in common with... but then why do I feel like such a misfit right now? I am sure that people see us as changing and moving on as well... but I am just afraid they are avoiding me because they can just see how tired and sad I am on my face. I just want to feel included and apart of everything again. I am tired of trying to reach out and stay connected... I am just tired of constantly putting myself out there with the adoption, family, friends, and work... I am tired of working so hard at trying to maintain normalcy to our everyday life. It is just so much.

I like to tell myself that these feelings are normal under the circumstances... I just wish they felt normal. This is just what happens right now when I slow down... all my thoughts and feelings creep up on me and hit me like a train. T has been at a Ranger's game tonight and I have spent most of it by myself. It has been good... I truly was enjoying it up until I started getting ready for bed. Tonight, I had a good conversation with my cousin, cuddled with the dog, played some word games, wrote a couple of e-mails. I think that I am also feeling anxious about all my alone and downtime coming up this weekend. I have scheduled myself a massage and I am hoping to do some shopping.

Thank you all for your e-mails this past week... I loved each and everyone of them! I know that seems like an oxymoron in contrast to this blog... but I guess that just exemplifies the see-saw of thoughts and emotions we are experiencing right now. I really do enjoy our exchanges and staying connected through this cyber-world... I just wish there was more time in the day to visit, see, and talk with each other face-to-face. Thanks for reading again... sorry it is such a Debbie Downer again. Love you all!

180 Change... "blah!"

OK – I finished typing this blog up… and it is a complete 180 from my last post… I am almost feeling a little guilty about being negative. It's just not in my nature to be too negative... I feel that I am realistic but do describe myself as a "glass 1/2 full kind of a girl;" and can't stay down too long. In advance, I am sorry for the Debbie Downer nature of this blog. I really try to avoid too much negativity because I don’t want to isolate people from our lives. I don’t want to scare people into NOT talking to us. I know that many often struggle with what to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Throughout this whole time, I have intentionally tried to always “thank” people for asking, because I (we) do so appreciate it. It is so much easier to talk when asked vs. “easing” it into conversation. There is just no “easing” this topic into conversation. :)

Once again… there is really no news to report. There is still no word from the birthmother in July. She truly just disappeared. Our profile was being shown to a couple of other birthmothers, but no nibbles at this point in time… I think they have chosen other families. I have an e-mail out to our social worker.

I am truly to the point where I DON’T WANT to think about this process any more; I am beyond the point where I am pleased about keeping myself busy and it just happens that I am not thinking about it.

In the big picture, we are fine and comfortable with where we are at… enjoying the things that we are doing. But, on a day-to-day basis it is grueling and we are tired. Work is really wearing us down right now… especially for T. The mundane of everyday life is just “blah.” I am tired of having to patiently listen to conversations about parents complaining about their kids and they just want to give them away. I am tired of listening to conversations about the decision to have a “snip-snip” procedure and how expensive that is. You think that procedure is expensive! Try 3-yrs of infertility treatments, followed by monthly adoption fee payments! I am tired of having a ½ furnished house because our money is going elsewhere. I was a little disappointed that we weren’t able to take a “far away” trip for our 10th anniversary. I am tired of people assuming we are “newly” married because we have no kids, or rather that raised eyebrow of an expression when I say we have been married 10-yrs and do not have any kids. I am tired of being told we will make great parents… because at this point… I already know that we are great parents. I am tired of being told (by people with kids) to “be patient.” Really? I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water. I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am a little bored with my job… which I think is completely psychological because I know that I cannot change or go anywhere because of where we are at in life. More so, I am tired of having that little nagging voice in the back of my head… “Why aren’t we good enough?” “Do we seem that boring on paper, too?”

All of these “little” things just continue to pile on you… one comment you can brush off, two comments you can brush off, maybe three… but it becomes hard to handle all of this while knowing in the back of your head and in your heart you know that you were not “good enough” and “not chosen” yet again.

I know that a lot of this is probably inferred by me, and that I am overly sensitive to things. I guess this blog is a little more reflective of the mental and emotional beast of this process and the challenge it is to stay positive. I know that some people would tell me to ignore what other people think. Or rather yet “who really cares?” what other people say or think… and yes, I agree with that and that is true. But, I care so much about this process! It is hard to selectively determine what to care about and what not to care about. To me, it is one thing to be dealing with these things and you have chosen not to have kids vs. wanting them and NOT being able to have them. That is that catch 22 to this process. Since we want them, we know people are innocent enough with everything… but since it just hits us so differently because of the bitter-sweet journey we are on.

Once again, in conclusion… to those friends, who are reading this blog out of support for us, please don’t be afraid to ask or talk about “anything.” We love visiting with you about your families and activities, we love being included with you and your families and it is your support that is helping get us through this time. This is just sometimes the bitter reality of the horrible directions your mind can race to; as we are trying to wait “patiently” for the day we get our baby!

Thanks again for everything! Comments and questions are always welcomed.

Reflection

As I was returning home today (again)... I was just relaxing and drifting off to sleep as the plane took off from KC. I was a little melancholy as I have no immediate plans to return "home" to my hometown in the near future. In my half-awake state, I was reflection on the weekend. Despite being annoyed with some cousins intermittently throughout the weekend, it was a good weekend. I kept thinking... 10-years... so much has happened... but it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I couldn't help but think about what the next 10-yrs of marriage will bring us. Thinking about our anniversary, my grandparents anniversary, mom & dad's birthdays, and all the other birthdays and events that we have this time of year... a lonely memory of my heart came to mind.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out that round #2 from the infertility didn't work. It was a year ago two evenings ago, that Tracy and I were sitting in Carraba's (me teary eyed) trying to enjoy the "happiness" of the day (our anniversary), but knowing that odds were against us in conceiving... knowing that we would find out the outcome of treatment on my dad's birthday. We knew deep down inside what the answer was and were ready... I just wish that the "due date" wasn't on our anniversary and dad's birthday. We waited a week to tell our friends and family the outcome to give us time and space from the "happy" events of that time... with our own personal heartache.

Looking back... it feels like a dream... very surreal... I cannot believe that was just a year ago. In contrast, last year feels like a lifetime ago. As when we got married, August 7/8th represents a turning point in our lives... a year ago, I picked myself up from rock bottom to move on and haven't looked back since. It has been such a strong feeling... such a good feeling to feel back in control of my life again. Despite the "waiting" and unknown future... I feel whole again... I feel connected again... there is a part of my heart that will always grieve and be tender, but my heart feels content. For once, it is hard getting my mind to follow my heart instead of vice versa.

In conclusion... I am happy with where we are at in life. I am one lucky girl to have the husband I have, the family I have, and the friends that surround us. We just have so much... I just want to give the same to a opportunities, gifts, and love to a baby. I am glad to have last year behind us and hope that this year can be bookended by a new chapter in our life in the upcoming year... As one of my first posts ended in January... I wish I may, I wish I might...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Revertigo

OK. I really need to get this entry finished! I have been working on it for over 3-days now. To start this blog, I am going to steal a new term that was discussed in an old episode of “How I met your mother.” The timing of this new word was ironic, as I had just returned from my 15-year class reunion. Revertigo refers to how one “reverts” and “reassumes” roles and personality from earlier years of their life. I do have to admit that I did want to go to my high school reunion. I know there are a lot of people who have no interest in returning to that phase of their life and the clicky politics that existed. I can agree with that philosophy.

Yes, I did have fun in high school and I had a very close and good group of friends through high school, always had a busy social life with both friends and dating some, too. I was involved in extracurricular activities. Loved being on the swimming and diving team. I really cannot complain much about my years in high school. However, the part that is not fondly remembered are the feelings of inadequacy that you weren’t “good enough” for some people to be friends with or for them to talk to you. I often felt awkward because of my “nerdy” tendencies to say the least… AND (as my mom gently reminded me) I was really a “good” kid through high school. Still to this day I am not spontaneous. I am a rule follower (for the most part). I still don’t like surprises. These are traits that are still difficult to deal with in my “grown-up” life, BUT they were NOT typical traits of a teenager and they were quite obvious to my peers. I always felt like I was picked on and teased quite a bit through Jr. and High School. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb… maybe the difference is that I have grown into these traits and feel much more comfortable with this is just who I am… but more importantly… I am happy with my life and where I am at.

But… on that note… how come when you return home, you experience “revertigo” and somehow resort back to that awkward, self-conscience person you were in high school? Oh, well… such is life and revertigo really gives you some good stories to reflect on later in life. I also started to realize that a lot of my awkwardness is probably placed on me by myself… but why is it perceived that others are placing it on you themselves?

Anyways… enough of my wondering mind… Here are my memories of the weekend:

* This was the second time in 10-years that someone else besides my parents picked me up at the airport in KC. It was so fun walking off the plane to see welcoming friends. * Just starting to talk with them and have conversations like time had never passed. * Laughing so hard I couldn’t stop crying. Silly me for “seeing” the word lobectomy vs. lobotomy and confusing the two. MAJOR difference. Silly Me. * Staying at Johnnie’s for 7-minutes. * J losing her keys in the grass out back when it was really dark. * Sitting in S parent’s kitchen just chit-chatting. We decided that the personality of brothers is universal… and they probably feel the same way about their sisters, respectfully. * Sleeping with the windows open and having the crickets and cicada’s sing me to sleep. * Running errands around town with mom. * Oh, another funny story. Mom and I went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant in their new location on the west side of town. We walked into the restaurant about 11:15 am and didn’t realize how “new” the restaurant was. It was actually their grand opening and we were the VERY FIRST customer’s ever! We were completely oblivious to their excitement for the first few minutes we were there. * My “nemesis” of the diving team initiating the hello and exchange of hugs between ourselves. There was little conversation… but an exchange of how are you were made. * As vain as it might seem, I also appreciated a couple of compliments on how I still look the same and “good.” It was a moment of satisfaction to me, but I couldn’t help but think about were a year ago now vs. today. * The forced smile as several asked me about kids… luckily in the group, I was able to side step this question most of the time… but then the comment that always makes me cringe (which I hope does not show on my face) “well, just you wait until you have kids…” That is exactly what we are doing… and truly wish that people would not have to start their sentence and then have it followed by unsolicited advice… This was the part I was dreading most through the evening, but it didn’t come up as much as I had anticipated, thankfully. * Finally, I need to remember reconnecting with an old classmate through my high-school best friend. He and his wife had struggled with secondary infertility and had recently adopted. Speaking to him through a father’s perspective really warmed my heart and it is always nice being able to discuss the adoption and infertility openly. The connections of life really pick you up and keep you going. *

Overall, it was a very “Lawrence” filled night. We had dinner at Quinton’s downtown. Had our pictures taken in front of Liberty Hall. Then we took our trip down memory lane and reliving the pages of our senior yearbook. Once we arrived at the “family” event, my friends were watching every-one who walked through the door to see if we recognized and remembered them. I think deep down inside we were all wondering if they would recognize or remember us. I really enjoyed going in a small group of old friends. It was fun being together again – do I dare say, revertigo? Yes… initially I was pretty self-conscience. I continued to laugh whole-heartedly at many things… it felt so good laugh. It was also a good year to go. It felt good having 20# of weight behind me… both figuratively and physically. With the previous few years of stress behind us, I feel that I am slowly returning to my old self again (which I didn’t know was missing until this past year). I had a surprisingly good evening… I often found myself wondering why some people were speaking to me because they never spoke to me before… I was skeptic… but it was fun. As always, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been a little braver to mingle a little more and talk more, not be so skeptic. Oh, well… Maybe at the 20? Boy! … time is flying by way too quickly. I am being to learn at how much relationships mean to me… casual, lifetime, acquaintance, best friends, seasonal, family… I love them all.

Home Sweet Home

Well, time flies... luckily? Thankfully? I hope? At least right now... Sorry that it has been so long since my last entry. Nothing more has been heard from our birthmother for over 10-days now. With each passing day, she is becoming more and more of a distant memory. Continues to feel surreal that we were actually close to something? I am incredibly exhausted right now... mainly due to not much sleep over the last couple of days because of being busy... nothing more.

I went "home" last Thursday night. It was wonderful! I had nothing planned other than to help mom around the house. It had been a while since I had been "home," just to be at home without any plans. Often when we go home, it is filled with "plans" or some kind of an event. This time, there was no plans. I hadn't anticipated a mini-vacation when I took this trip, but that is what it turned into. A much welcomed and needed escape. The only thing that was missing from the past few days was T. He stayed in Texas this time. He will be going "home" with me in about 3-wks for my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary celebration.

I love being at home. I loved helping mom out around the house. I cleaned through an old bedroom closet and took a trip down memory lane. Many of those memories went to the trash can, but it was productive cleaning never-the-less. I loved sleeping with my bedroom window open at night. I loved taking a jog through the neighborhood without worrying about heat stroke, dehydration, and speeding cars - seriously. I loved reading myself to sleep each night without needing to set an alarm the next morning. I loved going to WalMart with my best friend from High School and going to lunch at McDonald's with her boys. I loved catching up with an old friend from college who know lives in Lawrence and exchanging stories about people we know in common. I loved shopping in downtown Lawrence and just running errands in town. I loved visiting with the neighbor whose cat had moved her 2-wk old kittens into my parent's yard for safety. I loved playing cards with my parents in the evening. I was glad to be at home to help take care of my dad. (He injured his knee and is now needing to return to his orthopedic surgeon). Despite the stress and untimeliness of his injury, there were still many laughs to be had. That is one of the reasons why I love my family so much, is we can always make each other laugh.

I think that is probably what I was needing the most was just laughter and a normal routine. T and I have that on a daily basis, but here... we are constantly reminded by where we are at in life and what we are waiting for. As I have said before, we are very comfortable and for the most part content... but sometimes I feel as though I am living a "ground hog" day life while we are waiting for the next phase to begin. The last 5-days was a wonderful change in pace... I loved just being there in the moment... wanting to help and being able to help, being productive and useful... no plans in place... just smiling and laughing. To me, that is just a little piece of what being family is about.

Two Steps Forward... Three Steps Back...

Well, all communication with the birthmom has stopped. She started experiencing some complications last week (dehydration that triggered some mild preeclampsia)… I guess that was her trigger for desperation to rear its ugly head and escape. She moved out of the birth center over the weekend without telling anyone. She is currently not returning any of the phone calls from the adoption agency. Ironically, the alleged birthfathers are in contact with the agency as they have briefly heard from her. She has told them that she is going to parent and sue them for child support. At this time, that plan holds no water because a) they have already relinquished their rights, b) they can fight the request by asking to prove paternity first, and finally c) how is she going to pay for this need upfront for the court to intervene? The agency says they are keeping all lines of communication open for if they do hear from her and “in case” she changes her mind again and realizes that she does need the help.

Throughout this situation, I am amazed at how you can will yourself to not think about some things and will yourself not to feel some emotions. In retrospect, I was in neutral through this process… or maybe I am in neutral now. I am relieved that we did not make the trip to San Antonio this weekend to meet her and then get there and have her gone. Wow! I cannot imagine the emotional impact that would have had on us. I am relieved that I knew how “undecided” she was. I had started toying with the idea of maybe looking up some baby names (as we did know the gender)… but something held me back. Deep down inside I knew I shouldn’t do it… but the temptation was there.

I am truly thankful that we had a full weekend of activities planned prior to all of this occurring. We had a fun-filled weekend with good friends, good food, and a fun date night to the Keith Urban concert. We had a relaxing day around the house on Sunday and now I am looking forward to going “home” this weekend to spend sometime with my mom.

For once I am relieved that the hecticness of our everyday life was in place a head of time so that we could continue moving forward with life without anything being placed on hold. I truly think that is our saving grace at this point in time. We just continue to move on with our activities and plans… on the other side, we are probably not processing or allowing the emotion of the situation to surface… we are probably just ignoring that for now. I am fine and comfortable with that. In the meantime… our profile continues to circulate… hopefully another bite will come sooner than later.

My mind is racing...

I am still processing the conversation we had with our birthmom on Tuesday.... my mind won't stop racing. I was exhausted yesterday and am feeling some energy return to me today. I had a good conversation with the adoption program director and our social worker today. I voiced some of the questions I posted to them last night and received some good advice in return (ie -- how paying off our balance would work or how should we plan for leave from work if she won't commit until after the baby is born).

The director instructed us to remain "cautiously excited" because the birthmom is still so undecided and not ready to even discuss an cooperative agreement with us. I could tell that she was greatly reassured when I told her that we truly have nothing for the baby... we do have a crib, but no mattress and the walls of the to-be nursery are still eggshell white. Even though I am a planner... I have started to look forward to the day that I can frantically go on a shopping spree and the necessities overnight if need be... I do regret that I will miss out on the experience of planning, registering, and nesting of a traditional pregnancy... but my desire to always have the glass half-full has already starting thinking about the fun of doing it this way, too... I can tell that I probably am more excited about our conversations with the birthmother than I should be, because of all the red flags that are present with the birthmom hesitating at committing to a cooperative agreement for placement.

After talking with the director, I had a long discussion with our social worker about our emotional needs and how we are going to deal with the reality if she does not place with us in the end. I told our social worker that was a risk I was willing to take and I feel that it is worth it... what do we have to lose? Yes, it will be sad... yes, it will be hard... yes, we will grieve... but I assured her we would not be angry (I hope); we have already been through so much that we are willing to take that risk. I feel like we have a good support system and resources in place to get us through this... However, the one thought that truly makes me cringe and anxious... is the thought that if this one does not work out... the amount of time that might pass before we get another nibble or bite with someone who is interested in us.

I really don't know how to organize or share all the thoughts in my head... I really hope they slow down and relax because there is too much time between now and whenever we get a baby placed with us...

I am looking forward to the weekend... it will go by quickly. We have dinner plans with some friends on Friday night, and another set on Saturday lunch. We are going to the Keith Urban concert on Sat... I am really excited about that. Hopefully the events of the weekend will help me return to my everyday life and distract me from the racing thoughts in my head.

For now, Good Night, Sleep Tight. :)

Still thinking....

We really don't know too much more... we do know that she remains interested in us... she continues to be very undecided... we did have another phone conversation with her in "private" (no social workers present) and that went very well. We hope that maybe she decides she is willing to meet us... maybe if she meets us she will feel more comfortable with starting an adoption plan.

As with conception, the odds remain against us... at the time of signing, national statics show that only 50% of mothers actually relinquish their rights. However, 50% is a lot better odds than we had while going through infertility. I am also finding comfort and appreciate that she is honest about that she is not sure what she wants to do...

Being a big fan and advocate of personal space myself... I truly identify and understand her need for space; but, at the same time... plans in the big picture need to be discussed and made. A birth plan is needed so everything is handled smoothly and sensitively in the hospital. Maternity leaves needs to be arranged. We need to make financial arrangements to handle the final legal and adoption fees/costs. We need to get a car seat at the very least...

My level of patience over the past few years has constantly amazed me and I continually surprise myself. But I also know... what will I gain from being impatient? Nothing. Why waste my energy being negative and inpatient. It is what it is... we continue to wait...

No News Yesterday...

Well, we didn't receive any news from the social worker... I am sure this means she didn't hear from the birthmother. I am really not "disappointed" or "upset" over this because the birthmother has been very honest about if she is wanting to file for an adoption plan. She has been very up front about she had not made a decision... to me, this "lack of follow-through" is consistent with being indecisive. In return, I can honestly say that I do understand being indecisive and unsure if I was her... In some ways, I appreciate the reluctance because I know that she is really taking this seriously. Maybe that is just me being hopeful and positive... meanwhile, our profile does continue to circulate... if it is not her this time, there will be another... it is the unknown time frame that really stresses me out the most. I will update more as I know more.

Response to Blog Entry

A -- Thank you so much for you comment! Your gift for words just amazes me and I only wish that I was just as eloquent... that is what I was trying to vocalize in my blog is how much my awareness has increased to broken-heartedness around me in everyday life and the everyday lives of others. You are also exactly right in that it is a choice... I choose to remain hopeful and optimistic... I too have my down days... but at the same time, I know that if I turn down the dark path of negativity, anger, and fear... I will probably not return, and the relationships in my life will be forever changed.

K -- thanks so much for sharing your inspirational words... you are also right in sharing hoping they will bring comfort to others in trying and difficult circumstances. That is one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to reach and and let others know that this process is not as lonely as it seems.

Quick Update...

I have been postponing this post because I just haven't wanted to think about things. We should know more from the our social worker tomorrow. The birthmom that we have been speaking to is to touch base with our social worker tomorrow, as to the next step in keeping the "adoption plan" moving forward. The birthmom we were speaking with wanted this weekend before committing to moving forward with anything. The next step would be meeting face-to-face.

After our phone call last week, we talked with our social worker and the program director. They were really good with us in discussing some of the "red flags" with this situation and not to get our hopes up too much. Some of the red flags included: 1) she is not ready to move forward with meeting us despite initiating and wanting to speak with us twice; 2) she actually forgot and fell asleep prior to the second phone call; 3) she cannot verbalize what her "expectations" or "needs" are for wanting an open adoption; and 4) she really didn't have specific questions for us in the second phone call.

For us, it is hard not to be hopeful (again) because she has a "simple" history and medical background, nothing complicated that we have to compromise on; plus, the presumed birthfather has already signed away and relinquished his rights. In our mind, the pros and cons are balanced at this point... even though our social worker and director caution us they feel there are more cons than pros. Per our social worker, many mom's who are thinking about an adoption plan are often looking for someone to "save" them and "help" them. She thinks that this birthmom is waiting for that "fairy tale" and dream to come true; she is just hoping that a friend or family member will come forward and say I will help you. It appears that the birthmom continues to hold out waiting for an answer even though she is in the third trimester.

It's kind of ironic that both the birthmom and us are looking for that "happily ever after" verse for our lives... It is a daily see-saw of hopes and dreams... we continue to wait patiently, pass our time and hope that it will be sooner than later.

Fragility...

OK -- this is a post that I wrote yesterday. I was having a day of deep thoughts and contemplation. I held off on posting it because I was afraid it would come off as preachy, depressing, or misunderstood. I think it can stand for itself right now... it is just is a reflection on life in general. Take it for what it is... there are no hidden meanings or messages... I still can just be taken aback by all the my friends endure and handle themselves on a everyday life. There are so many times that I feel like I am still I kid playing grown-up and trying to live a grown-up life.

I know that many of you are wanting an update of our phone call from today. It went OK, but there are many red flags there. I am really tired right now and am a little on overload from all the thinking I have done over the last couple of days. I will post more tomorrow about the phone call today.

Once again, I cannot tell you all how much your messages and intuition meant to me on FB today. You guys truly surprised me by picking up on the true nature of the phone call so quickly. It felt good to have so many people truly caring and sincerely interested in what is going. Thank you SO very, very much!
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I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts and figure out how I want to approach this entry. First let me start off by saying that I do believe we live a pretty normal life... and to some extent, many would say it is a "sheltered" life. However, the more I learn about the people around me and in my life... sometimes I want to return to a time in my life where I really was naive to things around me. I guess the different between now and then is that, "now" I choose to keep myself sheltered; whereas, "then" I was sheltered because of naivety. Throughout the last few years, I have become acutely aware to how fragile relationships and the heart can be, despite people's best efforts to make and keep them strong and healthy.

Here are some examples of some different situations that I have encountered recently either personally or through my friendships. First, how strong can you keep your heart when a birthmother chooses you and then changes her mind? This has happened to friends of ours, not once but twice. To me, this process is the same as a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. I cannot imagine, how can she be so strong, keep going? I am not sure that I could -- and truly admire her and her husband, they are an inspiration for us during our own adoption process.

How strong can you keep your heart, when your spouse has an affair? (obviously this is not us!) I just found out today that we have close friends whose marriage is being challenged by this and they are trying to refocus on their vows and reconcile. I truly admire them for this, but unsure if I could be that strong. I have seen and read stories about how couples who struggled for years of infertility, eventually get divorced because it consumes their lives and the grief and loss of not being able to conceive tears them apart. (Jon & Kate + 8 may be a good public example of that, along with many other factors as well).

How strong can you keep your heart during times of trial when you don't have the support of your family? How strong can someone keep their heart when themselves or a loved one constantly struggles with depression? How strong can you keep your heart when there are constant financial worries and stresses? How strong can you keep your heart when you are not sure you will have a job tomorrow? How strong can you keep your heart when the "norm" (birth of a child) is actually a day of loss for you (birthmother who giving her child up to adoption)?

My list can go on and on... as I started thinking about things today... it almost seems to be the norm to have many things that weaken and break your heart on a daily basis. Over the past few years, I have become more acutely aware that it is almost more normal for people live with broken hearts on a daily basis vs. finding happiness in their everyday life around them... It truly boggles my mind (to say the least and as an understatement)... it makes me thankful for how well we have weathered this period of our life... but at the same time, it makes me keenly aware of how quickly grief, loneliness, and a broken heart can happen even in the strongest of people. What makes us different that we can continue to endure and find happiness in our daily lives and others were not?

To me... to us... I think the difference is that we have always embraced that "it is what it is." (Yes, there have been times when we have hated and resented this saying... but we have never denied the truth in these words). We have neither pretended to be nothing we are not, nor avoided situations in our life, but have always addressed everything head on with each other... it is VERY tough to do and easier said than done, but I can honestly say it works. Life does sneak up on you, your heart does become broken long before you realize it... but as I told a friend tonight, I know that you will overcome this regardless of the outcome. Keep searching for the peace you are looking for and you can find it... it might take time, your heart might still remain broken and wounded, but you can and will endure and find happiness again. You CAN heal and endure as long as you keep trying and refuse to give up.

In closing, I apologize for the "depressing" nature of this blog. My mind was just racing with many of the other difficult situations out there involving people that I know. Being the "thinker" that I am, sometimes I just cannot help wondering what I would do if I were them or how did that happen. I cannot help but wonder what are we doing different to stay strong...

Where Dusk Meets The Night...

Back to Reality...

Vacation was wonderful! Very, very much needed. I was kind of dreading today knowing that tomorrow is Monday and we return to where we were at before vacation. We both slept in this morning... very nice. We watched a couple of movies, I then returned to my typical routine on the elliptical. At first, all I could think... back to the grind... then towards the end I felt really good. We got around and then I ran out to do errands. Running around town getting back into my typical routine makes me realize how much this is home to us. It is hard for me to admit how being in Texas is home, but is home for now and that is all that matters. Furthermore, there is nothing like a summer temp of 108 degrees in Texas that puts you in the mood for *real* Mexican food... yum, yum... guess where we are going for dinner tonight? :)

I was dreading stepping on the scale this morning. I had just achieved my latest goal of dropping below the next 10# mark for me the Friday morning before vacation! What timing. I counted calories for the first half of vacation, not so much the second half. We were active during vacation on the lake... but we were also very lazy. I had no idea what to expect after a week of not counting calories, not weighing myself, and no exercise. I was pleasantly surprised that I was only back up to my weight at the end of last Bootcamp. Only 1.5 back up -- the weight I had stabilized at prior to dipping below the next 10# mark. Not too bad, but am motivated now to get back into my normal, healthy routine.

I am dreading returning to work tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. A co-worker who was helping cover for me said that everything went really well and the census is low. Good. Makes it a little easier to return. But I am sure that I will hit the ground running -- I am not too sure if I am ready for the rat race just yet.

Finally... and probably what I am most nervous about... is I need to call our social worker first thing in the morning to set up another phone conversation with a potential birth mom. I am completely excited... but incredibly nervous at the same time. I feel that my heart is guarded... I feel like I am gambling... I feel like I am trying to sell myself... I am afraid of failure because "we" are not "good enough." I know that isn't how this process is or what it is about... but sometimes that is sure what it feels like.

With the routine of returning to my everyday life... I am going to continue to keep myself busy and occupied -- that is the only way I can keep going right now and not put too much thought into the adoption process -- I so despretly want to believe that it will happen soon than later; I can hardly stand the thought that this could continue on for another year or so.

We have a lot of committments over the next 6-8 weeks, which I am looking forward to, but is also stressing me out at the same time. I want to start cross-stitching again. I am currently 1/2 way through a new brainless Nora Roberts book... and loving it (as usual)! What is it about a good cheesy romance novel that is so soothing as well? I still have plans to start a new blog for nutrition information. I am still working on a few household projects. Why can't there be more time during the day?

Anyways, enough of this blog entry for now. Just wanted to get something down to refocus my attention and help settle back into reality. I will keep you all posted... as always, thanks for your support and for reading!

Soothing of the Senses

It is days like today that I wish I could bottle and remember forever... I will always have the memories and pictures... but the sensory component of this lazy day is what I will miss the most. I am sitting the in the shade, outside, with a breeze blowing over my bare arms and legs. Off in the distance I can see the warm summer sun reflecting off a lake that is like glass. The air is so clean and fresh. My eyes are filled with color. My heart is filled with peace and happiness... for now. I just want this to last for so much longer. I dream of a day where this can always be life. I contemplate on how I can simplify our life more. Being here with family, just makes my heart long for a day with our children. I want to share this week so much and have it apart of OUR family story and life. Even though my heart is longing, I continue to enjoy the daydreams that fill my mind and heart. I just love the outdoors and country so very much.

I am glad for the distraction of this week. We heard back from the birthmother that we spoke with about 10-days ago. She is wanting to speak with us again. I am here with family which have been SO supportive, but I am afraid to say anything for jinxing this process. I am afraid that it will lead to questions that I don't have the answers for. If I say something and nothing more moves forward, I am not sure how to go back and say nothing happened. It is just so hard to describe how this process works. Maybe it is because I cannot wrap my mind around how this process works.

Today is my brother's and SIL anniversary. It is hard to believe that it was 4-years ago today that they got married. Happy Anniversary you two! :) I am thinking of you and enjoy your day as well.

Vacation!

At last... some much needed R&R, downtime, and time to clear my head. It feels so good to be away from the rat race a little while. I feel like some of the swirling thoughts in my head are slowing down and are starting to fit into place. For now I am content and that is good... whenever work and returning to everyday life crosses my mind, I do feel some anxiety in going back, but it is only fleeting and I will face those emotions on Sunday.

Even while on vacation, life feels surreal because as I am content and at peace with life... I have a couple of friends who are struggling with broken hearts for broken family hopes of their own. I am glad that I have them in my life and I am glad that I am a part of theirs. Being connected in life and to others is really what makes this whole journey worth it is the people who have come into our life, and the people who remain in our life. Once again, the secret for times like this is to just be there... I am just here in the moment of the outdoors, quiet, and family... I am just here for them... they are just there for me. To me, that is comforting and peaceful.

Some relief and moving on...

Update. I think that the easiest way to do this post is in bullet format. To many thoughts going through my mind. Sorry if it is a little random and disorganized, but that is essentially my life right now.

• How do I feel about the interview? I felt like I was in neutral right after the interview. She asked a lot of good questions... we talked for almost 45-minutes... I am just so unsure and insecure that we were able to be specific enough in our answers. I just felt like we babbled and rambled a lot. I have a tendency to do that in normal conversation anyways, let alone when I am nervous.
• I had a very good follow-up and conversation with our social worker today. I thanked her for all the information she had provided us and prepared us very well. She told us that the birthmom is interested in us and liked us... but is still processing everything and trying to figure out if an adoption plan is in her best interest and the best interest in her baby. I told our social worker, that is fine -- it is what it is; besides, what other choice do we have? I understand that this is not any easy process or decision for anyone involved. I truly mean that; I really want the birthmom to feel very comfortable with her decision, and on some level, I hope that she can be proud or excited (I am not sure if those are the right words) that she has chosen us. I want her to feel so comfortable with us and the family life that we can offer a baby.
  
• Our social worker said that the birthmother may be interested in speaking with us again in the future, although when in the future was not specified. I said that we had the same feelings. I discussed some of my questions about this process and the conversation we had with the birthmom as well. That we would love to have the opportunity to speak again and get to know each other a little more, be able to ask more specific questions, answer questions more specifically, and learn more about each other before any decisions are made. We are comfortable with that for that now and we are comfortable with it being on the birthmom's time. It feels good being able to say that for now.
  
• After the phone call, I was feeling very melancholy that developed into some anxiety. I just couldn't get some of the questions out of my mind. This process is just so hard. I had a really hard time unwinding before I went to bed. It was probably well after 11:30 before I was able to fall asleep.
• I was also frustrated because I didn't get my workout in like I had wanted. I am sure that would have helped me release some of my stress. I was just so drained initially after the conversation from nerves, that I could not motivate myself. I guess another lesson learned... I just need to make myself do it. However, I find myself doing so much like that these days.
• There is a lot going on at work these days. I have new dietetic intern with me right now that I am training. She will be with us for ~400 hours of supervised practice. I have to get ready for a presentation on Thursday; no presentation ready to go. I am also just trying to get everything organized to get ready for a week off.
• We are still dealing with some family politics/issues; but taking the passive path of least resistance seems to be working and hopefully some resolution will be found with just the passing of time.
• I am READY for vacation! I am so excited to get away from the rat race of everyday life. I am READY for some R&R. I love how the cabins that we go to every summer do not have any TVs in them. I love the fact that we have minimal cell phone access. I love the fact that do not miss wearing my watch at all or do not care what time it is. It is such a peaceful week filled with family, fun, food, laughs, love, and memories forever.

Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts our way. They are greatly appreciated. Please send some towards the potential birthmom... that she may find the peace and R&R she needs to feel confident, proud, and secure with her decision whatever it might be.

For those of you who are reading my blog regularly, please feel free to ask any questions about what is going on. I will be more than happy to answer and discuss in my blog. Thank you again for all the support. Good night.

Catch-Up

OK -- I am so, so sorry that it has been a while since my last post. Things have been a little chaotic to say the least. Things have been hectic at work with the start of a new intern that we will have for the next 9-weeks. It was the last week of Bootcamp, so I was trying to be really good with my cardio on off days to finish strongly and have really good numbers. We were hit pretty hard by the storms on Wednesday and Thursday (no power for a majority of those days and luckily, no major damage to our house but we had neighbors that did sustain significant damage). I was able to get a lot accomplished around the house chore wise on Saturday. And finally, I enjoyed some personal shopping time and a fun evening of softball with T.

His team took first place in the spring league. It was such a close game and so much fun to watch. Everyone was there cheering. It was tied 4-4 at the end, so it went into extra innings. T's team has so many good, good guys on. You can always just feel their friendship and camaraderie while playing. They are such a good example because they do truly play for fun and just happened to win the league. It was such a fun night with friends. It really will be a fun and special night to remember. It was the perfect summer night, too. Warm but with a nice breeze blowing. We all could have probably stayed out all night just enjoying the peaceful weather.

Bootcamp finished very well. I still have a few more pounds I want to lose; but I continued to loose inches and % body fat; I was pleased with my results and cannot wait to start again. Once again, my bootcamp buddies are just such a fun group of people... it is truly the people that make all the difference. It feels good to have found a "niche" with others and have something in common outside of my "typical" everyday life.

Finally, and most importantly... the other distraction that we have had in our life... or rather should I say I have been trying to find other things to distract myself from... is that we have a birthmom who is interested in our profile and wants to visit with us. This is truly baby step #1 ALL OVER AGAIN... nothing to get excited about, just part of this circular process. We were supposed to have a phone interview with her on Friday night, but it got postponed until tonight (Monday). According to our social worker, she is interested in making an adoption plan, but probably still hasn't decided and confirmed that his her intentions. Like us, she is still learning how this process works and trying to weigh all options and decided what is in her and the child's best interest. I kept myself busy most of the weekend... which worked (and probably deep down inside what I wanted), because I seldom found myself thinking about this potential. I am almost positive that I really didn't want to think about or deal with the thought of an interview until it happened. Now, I am feeling very nervous, anxious, and unprepared. I think T is prepared, but I am not. It is such a surreal feeling to be on-the-fence. This could be just another mother expressing interest or it could be "the one." Once again, the extremes are just so mind boggling -- so right now my coping mechanism is opting for the path of least resistance and not thinking or processing things. On another level, that is probably why I felt the need to indulge in retail therapy this weekend... was I was trying to distract myself.

Another bitter-sweet moment of life... I was talking to a new grandmother last week who made the comment to me, "you know, that is one of the most special times in a mother's life... when she can be there for the birth of a grandchild." As always, I just smiled and said "Absolutely, I know." ... and I wish and dream ...

Anyways... enough of that for now. I really need to get some work done this afternoon before I head home for the interview. I am counting down the days until our wonderful stress-free and escape into vacation.