Reflection

As I was returning home today (again)... I was just relaxing and drifting off to sleep as the plane took off from KC. I was a little melancholy as I have no immediate plans to return "home" to my hometown in the near future. In my half-awake state, I was reflection on the weekend. Despite being annoyed with some cousins intermittently throughout the weekend, it was a good weekend. I kept thinking... 10-years... so much has happened... but it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I couldn't help but think about what the next 10-yrs of marriage will bring us. Thinking about our anniversary, my grandparents anniversary, mom & dad's birthdays, and all the other birthdays and events that we have this time of year... a lonely memory of my heart came to mind.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out that round #2 from the infertility didn't work. It was a year ago two evenings ago, that Tracy and I were sitting in Carraba's (me teary eyed) trying to enjoy the "happiness" of the day (our anniversary), but knowing that odds were against us in conceiving... knowing that we would find out the outcome of treatment on my dad's birthday. We knew deep down inside what the answer was and were ready... I just wish that the "due date" wasn't on our anniversary and dad's birthday. We waited a week to tell our friends and family the outcome to give us time and space from the "happy" events of that time... with our own personal heartache.

Looking back... it feels like a dream... very surreal... I cannot believe that was just a year ago. In contrast, last year feels like a lifetime ago. As when we got married, August 7/8th represents a turning point in our lives... a year ago, I picked myself up from rock bottom to move on and haven't looked back since. It has been such a strong feeling... such a good feeling to feel back in control of my life again. Despite the "waiting" and unknown future... I feel whole again... I feel connected again... there is a part of my heart that will always grieve and be tender, but my heart feels content. For once, it is hard getting my mind to follow my heart instead of vice versa.

In conclusion... I am happy with where we are at in life. I am one lucky girl to have the husband I have, the family I have, and the friends that surround us. We just have so much... I just want to give the same to a opportunities, gifts, and love to a baby. I am glad to have last year behind us and hope that this year can be bookended by a new chapter in our life in the upcoming year... As one of my first posts ended in January... I wish I may, I wish I might...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.