Sharing...

OK... first let me try to explain what an "open" adoption is. Open adoption just really refers to all the information that is exchanged prior to the adoption and placement. Health histories, etc. In our case -- we exchanged web based e-mail address and cell phone numbers. I exchanged quite of few e-mails and texts with the birthmom before the baby's arrival. With open adoption, there is also the possibility of face-to-face interaction if desired by all people involved. In our case, we were lucky enough that the birthmom volunteered and invited us to come to a couple of her sonograms. It was a very bitter-sweet experience, but I am glad that we had that opportunity. Our sonogram visits are another story, for another blog, another day.

After the placement and after the birthmom relinquishes her rights... there is no "legal" biding obligation to continue communication. Ongoing contact is based more on a good faith agreement and need. Ongoing contact and communication can be direct between families... or it can also be facilitated through the adoption agency. As of now, ours is direct... but will probably shift to facilitated through the agency at some point in time. This is just what worked for us based on everyone involved. I am not sure if we would have this much "direct" contact had we been placed with one of the other birthmom's we had visited with during the previous 18-months.

As much as I am proud of the relationship we have established with our birthmom... at sometimes it makes me nervous because you do not know what the future holds, or how some people might change. Sometimes, T and I have had conversations discussing that it feels like we adopted the birthmom and birthfather, with our baby. These are just our emotions... not how it is. Our agency did a wonderful job of trying to coach and teach the birthmom's that an adoption plan DOES NOT mean co-parenting by any stretch of the imagination.

Sadly, many birthmom's in many programs dream of the fairy tail and happily ever after. They are always hopeful someone will come along and "save them" and "help them." They are often so desperately wanting someone to support them (mentally, physically, and emotionally)... want someone to believe in them... Luckily, our birthmom has a pretty positive outlook on life and is very goal oriented. However, since the placement of our baby... it has been hard for me to determine or decide how to relay information.... I was afraid of triggering a since of loss in her or making her sad with reports of how happy we are. What do you do? What do you say? I have had a couple of conversations with our social workers about how to handle these situations... but it is still hard.

Statistically speaking, the need for information and communication is higher for the birthmom's during the first year or two. After that, they have moved on with their lives and also have the reassurance that everything is very well taken care of, so that they can move on with their lives. As I have struggled with some of the contact I have had with our birthmother, since placement, I keep having to tell myself that we are only 3-months into this process... it will get easier with time. I also keep trying to remind myself that she is still just a teenager... senior in high school.

So, now with all of that background information... I want to share a letter with you that I wrote to our birthmom today. I woke this morning to a text with the birthmom saying that a family member had gotten angry with her about the adoption and she was feeling badly. I texted her back and asked what she needed to know from us to reassure her. She texted that she wanted to know how happy with were and how much we loved our baby. (After e-mailing our social worker about this exchange of texts and information)... this is the letter I wrote.
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Dear --
There is SO much I want to tell you... but I can never find my words to express myself because it is so hard to explain all these emotions I am feeling. Over the past few months, I have hesitated in telling you how happy we are because I was SO afraid of making you sad. I also didn't want you to think that I just say whatever because you gave us her. I just have so much in my heart and mind, that when I go to say something... words just cannot come out.

This is the baby we could NOT have, but wanted so MUCH, and that is why they are SO SO special. They are the baby that we dreamed about for many, many years. We tried having children oursleves for at least 5-years (including infertility treatments) before we got on the adoption waiting list. Then we were ~1 1/2 yrs on the list to the day that we brought the baby home. This baby is our dream come true... they were loved and anticipated by so many before we even met you, the birthfather, and the baby. But then once we met you, Ian, and her... the love just truly multiplied. There is no words to express or describe these feelings or the connection that we have between us all. So many of our friends and family have also been waiting anxiously for the baby's arrival as well... they have been waiting with us to welcome such a special person into the world.

Everyone knows that this baby is so special because of who her parents are and where she came from... I cannot wait until she understands me when I tell her that they were loved so much before they were born, before they were conceived... that I loved them in my dreams, and I loved them before they were even a twinkle in my eye. I cannot wait to tell them how much her birthparents loved her as well. This little baby, is loved by all. Everyone is mesmorized and loves them instantly. They always mention how wonderful they are... and I know without a doubt that is because their beauty comes from the inside that you gave from your own spirit when they were conceived.

I cannot wait for their little personality to develop. Right now, they are so mellow and very easy going.... I cannot wait until we can "do" creative things with them... have them telling us stories, color, do art, run, etc. We will give them every opportunity they deserve. I want to make you proud of us and of her. I hope that we are making you happy with the life we have... I think of you daily. I get teary daily when I look at her in my arms and experience my dream come true. It still feels so surreal sometimes...

Our (yours and mine) experiences our hard. No one can really understand the heartache that we endured along our journey to meet the baby and to finally have them in our life. No one can really understand your journey or decision to place this baby for adoption for adoption... it is a beautiful thing in how our paths crossed and our lives became interconnected. It's hard because other people (even family and very close friends) think they can relate to us, and your friends and family to you... but they can't, and never will be able to. You just have to draw on your own inner strength and peace and keep moving along.

I guess something else good is coming out of our adoption experience with you. I have a friend who just found out her sister-in-law and stepbrother are going to start an adoption process. They are really intimidated by the process and everything involved, so my friend asked me to meet with them and talk to them about our own experience and reassure them. I cannot wait to tell them about you and our story. Because of you... we are going to be able to set a legacy and make other happy stories for more babies, more parents, and more birthmom's.

Now that I am thoroughly crying at work. :) I hope this letter makes you SMILE and can fill your heart with the peace and happiness that you deserve. Never doubt how much you are loved or all that you can do! Peace and love to you.
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In conclusion... I received an e-mail back from her thanking me and now she feels great! That is exactly what she needed to hear. As with all my e-mails we have exchanged, I have printed this one off and am keeping everything to share with our baby about their adoption story and history. It is hard to "share" this family dream with a "third-party," ... but at the end of the day, it feels good because I know that we are doing the "right" thing.

Good Night, Sleep Tight, and Sweet Dreams.

Hello Old Friends!

Well... here we go again! I seriously have not checked anything on my blog since my last entry in October 12, 2009. I was deeply touched by the anonymous note that was left last time. Thank you. Life has been pretty busy for us over the past 9-months. Ironic that is the magic number of months that brought me back to my Everyday Life Blog.

What was the turning even in our lives that took me away from journaling and blogging was that T was "commuting" to and from Springfield, Missouri for work. It started out as a 6-8 week project, then it turned into "until the end of the year," then it turned into until the project is finished until July or August of 2010. With him gone during the week (M-F) and then trying to get caught up on everything on Sat and Sun... things were hectic to say the least. Hopefully in my next few entries, I am going to be posting some of my main memories during this time.

Then, after the 1st of the year, life became even more hectic and choatic because we were matched with a birthmom. Yes, we were officially matched and started going through the ups and downs of preparing for "hopefully" a baby. "Our" due date was May 7th. Dealing and preparing for the pending adoption and having T "away" during the week kept me busy. As I read over my last post about feeling disconnected from everyone... I realized that ins some weird way, I instantly became connected again to "our" world in trying to maintain our everyday life in our physical home and social structure.

The time that I had previously spent journaling... was now directed towards staying busy while T was gone and trying so hard to stay connected to those close friends around us. I had many a late night on-line chat conversation with many friends... my cousin who is like a sister to me, another friend who is going through infertility, an old friend from high school who I reconnected with, and another who struggled some with infertility herself... not to mention my mom and a dear aunt who could talk all night!

I am kind of back to the point where I need an outlet again. As I have mentioned before, I tend to be a very private person, despite how outgoing my personality might be. It is always easier for me to answer questions... but often it is hard for me to say HOW things REALLY are... I tend to sugarcoat and try to convince others that things are fine and optimistic.

I know many of you are dying to know the scoop on parenthood... especially now that it has become a reality to us. It is wonderful and absolutely indescribable. I absolutely cannot wait to share more of my thoughts and options on what is going on around us. I know that our perspective is quite a bit different because of the road we have traveled... and that makes me feel good and feel confident in the years a head of us as parents. Even 12-weeks later, it still feels surreal; but it also feels second-nature, very natural, and a very comfortable place to be... it is still hard for me to fathom the concept of the "gift" we were given and the "forever" aspect of things.

Thank you to my few loyal followers -- I hope that you will continue to read and find me again in the future. I am sorry to the couple of friends that I gave my blog address, too and then never posted again! Thanks for your interest and support in our life! Please post whatever you would like to know about our "everyday life" and/or experiences with infertility and adoption... it will give me something to go on.

I will try to post more later this weekend. (PS -- sorry that this isn't one of my stronger entries with writing style, continuity, or ease of reading. My brain is so scattered these days... it is hard to stay focused... but it is all good). Good Night and Sleep Tight!

Words to Describe Me

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a status update on my Facebook page that asked for people to describe me in one word. I was truly touched and flattered by all the responses. It was a fun and reassuring thing to do.

It’s hard not to go through all this infertility and adoption process without a lot of self-reflection for two reasons. First, you are expected to, or rather, must answer many different questions regarding your emotional, mental, physical, and financial status for both processes. Secondly, it is just human nature to try to process everything that is going on around you and in your life. On a personal level, I have been feeling more disconnected from those around me over the past couple of months… whether it is imagined or real, I am not rally sure. For now, I have just kind of chalked it up to that is one of the illusions experienced along this roller-coaster ride. However, in my conscious efforts to stay connected in our everyday life… I feel that some of not-so-positive aspects of my personality are coming through more often. Some changes I have noticed in myself… I am more sarcastic and cynical, I get easily annoyed on a daily basis, my tolerance with other peoples’ problems has decreased, my feelings are much more fragile, and my need for input and social connectivity with others has increased. I think all of these traits just goes back to a word that a friend used to describe me about a month ago… RAW. With all the ups and downs of this roller-coaster ride… it is so hard to recover from one moment to another and our reserves are depleted.

However, back to my original activity -- I don’t know what compelled me to post and ask for one-word descriptions… but it came at the perfect time. It truly reminded me of how people always see the good in you… things that you don’t see or understand… and that an individual is truly their own worst critic.

Here are the words there were used to describe me * chatty * dedicated * steadfast * hard-worker * “laughable” * Mi Amor * inspiring * determined * verbose * RED * bubbly * precious * YOU * feisty * fearless * FUN! * loyal * genuine * teacher * nice *

Thank you to all of you who responded. Thank you to all of you for your continual support. Thank you to all of you who are putting up with my temperament these days as I am evolving during this phase of our life. Just trying to figure out who I am right now in this phase of life… and who I want to be in the next phase with the growth of our family. Honestly, on a day-to-day basis… we are fine. It’s the big picture that is kind of abstract right now.

Staying Busy -- It's a coping mechanism

Wow! Life has just been going by so quickly. As always, sorry that it has been a while since I have blogged. I think that I have been a mode recently where I just don’t want to “think” or process everything that is going on right now. I am just letting the days pass as they want. The key for me is keeping busy. It’s during the quiet times that the emotions of everything coming flooding in.

Let’s see… As of right now, we have not heard anything more about the adoption. I guess we are back into the lottery of other awaiting families. I have decided that this is much like a BINGO game as well… just waiting for your lucky number to be called. I still want to redo our profile, but at the same time, I am procrastinating. It’s just so tiring thinking about this whole process or even just have it lingering over your head for so long.

The other big change in our life right now, is that T has been placed on a new project…. in Springfield, Missouri. Yes, another state! It is about 7-hrs north-east of here. He is commuting to and from Springfield on the weekends. We found out a week ago Friday that he was needed on this project and he left that following Monday. We are now into week 2 of our new living arrangements. Right now, we are just relieved that he has a job and project to go to. Work is finally slowing down here in the metroplex and the pains of the current economic climate are being felt. We had been having some discussion between ourselves about what we would do if there was no project to go to. The company is taking care of us even under the tight economic circumstances. T gets a monthly living allowance and two round-trip plane tickets a month. The weekends in-between are on us. Doable.

For those of you who know me, you are probably all aware that I am a planner and do not like surprises of any kind. However, it’s weird how both of us have taken this move to Springfield in stride. A) the reality not hit us yet, B) after all that we have had to sort through this past year, this is nothing, or C) we are just relieved for T to still have a job; take your pick, maybe it’s all of the above, I really don’t know why this is moving along so well for the both of us. In the past, based on both of our personalities, it probably would not have gone this smoothly, to say the least.

The other thing that has made this “change” easier for us is that, ironically, I have an aunt and uncle that live in Springfield. It looks like things are going to work out for Tracy to stay with them over the next couple of months. They have generously opened their home for T to stay. This is really going to help us put more to our nest egg for a rainy day; hopefully, that rainy day will not come, but we have seen a few storm clouds on the horizon. Being able to really save over the next couple of months is giving us more confidence that we can make it and continue to make our monthly adoption payments for if the rainy day does happen in the near future

What I am keeping myself busy with. I am continuing to do my Bootcamp on M-W-F mornings. I continue to work on my endurance with running. I have now been able to successfully run a 5K in distance several times now, my time and mileage are both improving. My women’s covenant group has restarted at church. This is the 3rd year that we have met together; we all have become good friends. I help out with the youth program on Wednesday nights. NTDA is off to a great start and I have my monthly board and membership meetings to plan. I am making dinner plans with some good girl friends to catch-up with them.

Things that I want to get done in some of my “spare” time while T is working in Springfield include: 1) scanning some old pictures and negatives into electronic files; 2) start getting some our financial information organized gearing up for tax season (I think we are going to owe this year; 3) I have a ton of home filing to complete (if you open our office bureau, beware at the avalanche of paper that will fall down on-top of you); 4) I have some thank you notes and cards that I want to get mailed off to some friends; and 5) and couple of other extra projects that I want to work on. I want to start doing yoga more regularly and/or doing a bike spin class on T-Th when I am not at bootcamp. The logistics of this I am still trying to figure out. Anyways, I think that I am good to go in staying busy! I am also hoping to get back into a regular habit of updating the blog again… it is so good for me to journal in helping to sustain my mental and emotional reference points in life.

As always, thanks so much for all of your support. Take care!

De ja vu...

De ja vu… I think I have another post that has this same title. So then it really is De ja vu in every sense. I just received an e-mail from our social worker. Our profile is being show (along with several others) to a birth mother this afternoon. Once again, I had just returned to a place in my life where it wasn’t consuming my thoughts. Once again, I had just returned to a place where I wasn’t feeling insecure with “why doesn’t someone choose us?” Well, I am back on that roller coaster. After I read the e-mail, I sat staring at my computer for a few minutes… I am to the point that I really don’t know how to respond or react. The excitement and emotion is gone for now. Once again, I my heart dropped into my stomach and all that is there is a heavy feeling. I want to believe that maybe we have a chance. That maybe this could be it…. But my mind is saying, “probably not.” It’s a weird feeling to be hoping for a “maybe” these days. Previously, I was to a point that I would allow myself to be excited about maybe having a reason to be excited…. if that makes any sense?

The aspects to my de ja vu feelings today include:
** Starting my patient care notes after my rounding in the NICU. For some reason, I find it so ironic that my niche here in the hospital remains the NICU during this time of my life. ** I am in the middle of a patient care note and I cannot continue because my mind is swamped with thoughts and emotions about the e-mail I just received from our social worker. ** The feeling that is now in the pit of my stomach and probably won’t go away for a while. ** The time of day. I still have a least two hours of work to complete before I can leave. I just want to leave now. ** The overwhelming feeling of… what can I do? Then followed by the realization of nothing. ** All I have is information that I can do nothing with. ** Now my head is pounding because of all that was triggered by the reality of de ja vu. **

We have been through this process before and nothing lessons. The intensity remains and the roller coaster ride of our “everyday life” continues.

Anyways...

Wow! These last couple of weeks have been tough! Things are slowly starting to fall back into place and I am feeling “in-control” again. Everything was just becoming very chaotic with the politics associated with T’s family, disappointment sinking in with the adoption process, feeling tired and rundown, work being stressful for both of us, etc… and I am always just amazed at how much hormonal changes can skew rational thinking… even though you know it’s because of that and you know that you aren’t thinking rationally, it is just makes it all that tougher!

Anyways… I had a wonderful conversation with a friend last Wednesday. I texted her from work and asked if I could come over around 5:30. Of course she said, “Yes.” And then I told her that I would probably cry and that I was PMSing, and she said all the more reason to come over. Within a couple of minutes of walking in the door… she just looked at me and said, “Oh, honey… it’s OK. You are just so raw right now, everything is stinging and hurts.” It felt *so* good to have someone verify and be able to help me find the words of how I was feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically. After chit-chatting for a few minutes more… she asked or rather stated, “You are homesick, too, aren’t you?” That hadn’t really occurred to me, but I did have to admit that I was. Wow! One more thing to add to the pot of emotions… Oh, well. Its life and sometimes it just hits you all at once. Timing always seems to be impeccable with these issues.

Anyways… Time does heal… and last week is behind us. Life “feels” like is slowly returning to “normal” for now. It is frustrating knowing (in the back of our minds) that these “dysfunctional issues” are going to keep coming back again and again; once again, it’s just a matter of time before the cycle starts again with people crossing boundaries into your life.

Anyways… here is just a sampling of the things we have done to keep ourselves busy and keeping moving forward. Smiling and laughing have returned, thank goodness!
** I was able to go running a few times over the weekend – I am focusing on my goal of wanting to run at least a 5K consistently for exercise. ** I have taken “another” job, (just prn at a long-term acute care facility; I will cover for a friend of mine when she is not available)… nothing big or major, but it will be nice to have some extra money here and there. ** I had a massage on Saturday. It was very nice. ** I took advantage of an introductory offer for a yoga studio close by our house. 10-days for $10. It is heated yoga and has been very fun. T has been going with me as well. We have participated in 3-classess since Saturday. T has really surprised me at: 1) how much he enjoys it, and 2) how good he is at it, too! ** I had my measurements taken again for Bootcamp, I don’t have the results yet… but I am anxious to see my measurements and %body fat to see if there is improvement. Even though my weight won’t budge right now, my clothes continue to fit really well. I am hoping that my %body fat has decreased some more. ** I have been staying busy with getting ready for the start of the NTDA year. That has been a very nice change of pace being involved and organizing something again. ** For the holiday weekend, we went out to eat with friends of ours that have just moved here from Kansas. They have a little girl who is ~14-15 months who is adorable! She is so much fun and we had a great Mexican dinner with them all. **

Well, I guess that is it for now. When I started this blog entry, I originally had it titled, “Where to begin?” As I was finishing up, I realized that a much better title was “anyways.” I find myself saying that a lot these days as I try to accept the fact that life and everything “is what it is.” Also, not to mention that Martina McBride’s song Anyways is one of my favorites, in which that I have always been able to identify with over the last 2-3 years with everything that has happened. Besides, what better way than to have a blog entry titled after a personal theme song that you identify with? It truly sums-up and ties everything together for now.

I want to thank you all for the little e-mails of support and encouragement. I love every one of them and I love staying connected to you. Thank you.

*Sigh*

Well... I had really intended that my next blog be more upbeat and positive... kind of how I like to see my personality most of the time. Things are fine... status qua. I had a good evening last night with a friend who is going to help us "remodel" our portfolio for the prospective birth mothers. It felt really good to be productive. I posted on FB tonight that I should have worked-out... I think that is probably to blame for part of my blah mood... not to mention that mother nature is knocking at the door for her monthly visit. Oh, well... the cycle of life for now... no pun intended.

I am just filled with... or rather I am slowly becoming overwhelmed by my feelings of "not being good enough." It's tough... not only are we not feeling "good enough" on the adoption front... but I am also seen as a "not good enough" daughter-in-law. (I really just want to scream and pull my hair out!) It's is completely draining in itself despite everything else going on. I am not quite "good enough" to get this last 5-10# off... my weight continues to plateau. I am also feeling like I am not a "good enough" friend to some. People are just moving on... especially since we are in a different places in life... people change and move on. People tend to gravitate towards those they have things in common with... but then why do I feel like such a misfit right now? I am sure that people see us as changing and moving on as well... but I am just afraid they are avoiding me because they can just see how tired and sad I am on my face. I just want to feel included and apart of everything again. I am tired of trying to reach out and stay connected... I am just tired of constantly putting myself out there with the adoption, family, friends, and work... I am tired of working so hard at trying to maintain normalcy to our everyday life. It is just so much.

I like to tell myself that these feelings are normal under the circumstances... I just wish they felt normal. This is just what happens right now when I slow down... all my thoughts and feelings creep up on me and hit me like a train. T has been at a Ranger's game tonight and I have spent most of it by myself. It has been good... I truly was enjoying it up until I started getting ready for bed. Tonight, I had a good conversation with my cousin, cuddled with the dog, played some word games, wrote a couple of e-mails. I think that I am also feeling anxious about all my alone and downtime coming up this weekend. I have scheduled myself a massage and I am hoping to do some shopping.

Thank you all for your e-mails this past week... I loved each and everyone of them! I know that seems like an oxymoron in contrast to this blog... but I guess that just exemplifies the see-saw of thoughts and emotions we are experiencing right now. I really do enjoy our exchanges and staying connected through this cyber-world... I just wish there was more time in the day to visit, see, and talk with each other face-to-face. Thanks for reading again... sorry it is such a Debbie Downer again. Love you all!

180 Change... "blah!"

OK – I finished typing this blog up… and it is a complete 180 from my last post… I am almost feeling a little guilty about being negative. It's just not in my nature to be too negative... I feel that I am realistic but do describe myself as a "glass 1/2 full kind of a girl;" and can't stay down too long. In advance, I am sorry for the Debbie Downer nature of this blog. I really try to avoid too much negativity because I don’t want to isolate people from our lives. I don’t want to scare people into NOT talking to us. I know that many often struggle with what to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Throughout this whole time, I have intentionally tried to always “thank” people for asking, because I (we) do so appreciate it. It is so much easier to talk when asked vs. “easing” it into conversation. There is just no “easing” this topic into conversation. :)

Once again… there is really no news to report. There is still no word from the birthmother in July. She truly just disappeared. Our profile was being shown to a couple of other birthmothers, but no nibbles at this point in time… I think they have chosen other families. I have an e-mail out to our social worker.

I am truly to the point where I DON’T WANT to think about this process any more; I am beyond the point where I am pleased about keeping myself busy and it just happens that I am not thinking about it.

In the big picture, we are fine and comfortable with where we are at… enjoying the things that we are doing. But, on a day-to-day basis it is grueling and we are tired. Work is really wearing us down right now… especially for T. The mundane of everyday life is just “blah.” I am tired of having to patiently listen to conversations about parents complaining about their kids and they just want to give them away. I am tired of listening to conversations about the decision to have a “snip-snip” procedure and how expensive that is. You think that procedure is expensive! Try 3-yrs of infertility treatments, followed by monthly adoption fee payments! I am tired of having a ½ furnished house because our money is going elsewhere. I was a little disappointed that we weren’t able to take a “far away” trip for our 10th anniversary. I am tired of people assuming we are “newly” married because we have no kids, or rather that raised eyebrow of an expression when I say we have been married 10-yrs and do not have any kids. I am tired of being told we will make great parents… because at this point… I already know that we are great parents. I am tired of being told (by people with kids) to “be patient.” Really? I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water. I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of feeling stuck. I am a little bored with my job… which I think is completely psychological because I know that I cannot change or go anywhere because of where we are at in life. More so, I am tired of having that little nagging voice in the back of my head… “Why aren’t we good enough?” “Do we seem that boring on paper, too?”

All of these “little” things just continue to pile on you… one comment you can brush off, two comments you can brush off, maybe three… but it becomes hard to handle all of this while knowing in the back of your head and in your heart you know that you were not “good enough” and “not chosen” yet again.

I know that a lot of this is probably inferred by me, and that I am overly sensitive to things. I guess this blog is a little more reflective of the mental and emotional beast of this process and the challenge it is to stay positive. I know that some people would tell me to ignore what other people think. Or rather yet “who really cares?” what other people say or think… and yes, I agree with that and that is true. But, I care so much about this process! It is hard to selectively determine what to care about and what not to care about. To me, it is one thing to be dealing with these things and you have chosen not to have kids vs. wanting them and NOT being able to have them. That is that catch 22 to this process. Since we want them, we know people are innocent enough with everything… but since it just hits us so differently because of the bitter-sweet journey we are on.

Once again, in conclusion… to those friends, who are reading this blog out of support for us, please don’t be afraid to ask or talk about “anything.” We love visiting with you about your families and activities, we love being included with you and your families and it is your support that is helping get us through this time. This is just sometimes the bitter reality of the horrible directions your mind can race to; as we are trying to wait “patiently” for the day we get our baby!

Thanks again for everything! Comments and questions are always welcomed.

Reflection

As I was returning home today (again)... I was just relaxing and drifting off to sleep as the plane took off from KC. I was a little melancholy as I have no immediate plans to return "home" to my hometown in the near future. In my half-awake state, I was reflection on the weekend. Despite being annoyed with some cousins intermittently throughout the weekend, it was a good weekend. I kept thinking... 10-years... so much has happened... but it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I couldn't help but think about what the next 10-yrs of marriage will bring us. Thinking about our anniversary, my grandparents anniversary, mom & dad's birthdays, and all the other birthdays and events that we have this time of year... a lonely memory of my heart came to mind.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out that round #2 from the infertility didn't work. It was a year ago two evenings ago, that Tracy and I were sitting in Carraba's (me teary eyed) trying to enjoy the "happiness" of the day (our anniversary), but knowing that odds were against us in conceiving... knowing that we would find out the outcome of treatment on my dad's birthday. We knew deep down inside what the answer was and were ready... I just wish that the "due date" wasn't on our anniversary and dad's birthday. We waited a week to tell our friends and family the outcome to give us time and space from the "happy" events of that time... with our own personal heartache.

Looking back... it feels like a dream... very surreal... I cannot believe that was just a year ago. In contrast, last year feels like a lifetime ago. As when we got married, August 7/8th represents a turning point in our lives... a year ago, I picked myself up from rock bottom to move on and haven't looked back since. It has been such a strong feeling... such a good feeling to feel back in control of my life again. Despite the "waiting" and unknown future... I feel whole again... I feel connected again... there is a part of my heart that will always grieve and be tender, but my heart feels content. For once, it is hard getting my mind to follow my heart instead of vice versa.

In conclusion... I am happy with where we are at in life. I am one lucky girl to have the husband I have, the family I have, and the friends that surround us. We just have so much... I just want to give the same to a opportunities, gifts, and love to a baby. I am glad to have last year behind us and hope that this year can be bookended by a new chapter in our life in the upcoming year... As one of my first posts ended in January... I wish I may, I wish I might...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Revertigo

OK. I really need to get this entry finished! I have been working on it for over 3-days now. To start this blog, I am going to steal a new term that was discussed in an old episode of “How I met your mother.” The timing of this new word was ironic, as I had just returned from my 15-year class reunion. Revertigo refers to how one “reverts” and “reassumes” roles and personality from earlier years of their life. I do have to admit that I did want to go to my high school reunion. I know there are a lot of people who have no interest in returning to that phase of their life and the clicky politics that existed. I can agree with that philosophy.

Yes, I did have fun in high school and I had a very close and good group of friends through high school, always had a busy social life with both friends and dating some, too. I was involved in extracurricular activities. Loved being on the swimming and diving team. I really cannot complain much about my years in high school. However, the part that is not fondly remembered are the feelings of inadequacy that you weren’t “good enough” for some people to be friends with or for them to talk to you. I often felt awkward because of my “nerdy” tendencies to say the least… AND (as my mom gently reminded me) I was really a “good” kid through high school. Still to this day I am not spontaneous. I am a rule follower (for the most part). I still don’t like surprises. These are traits that are still difficult to deal with in my “grown-up” life, BUT they were NOT typical traits of a teenager and they were quite obvious to my peers. I always felt like I was picked on and teased quite a bit through Jr. and High School. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb… maybe the difference is that I have grown into these traits and feel much more comfortable with this is just who I am… but more importantly… I am happy with my life and where I am at.

But… on that note… how come when you return home, you experience “revertigo” and somehow resort back to that awkward, self-conscience person you were in high school? Oh, well… such is life and revertigo really gives you some good stories to reflect on later in life. I also started to realize that a lot of my awkwardness is probably placed on me by myself… but why is it perceived that others are placing it on you themselves?

Anyways… enough of my wondering mind… Here are my memories of the weekend:

* This was the second time in 10-years that someone else besides my parents picked me up at the airport in KC. It was so fun walking off the plane to see welcoming friends. * Just starting to talk with them and have conversations like time had never passed. * Laughing so hard I couldn’t stop crying. Silly me for “seeing” the word lobectomy vs. lobotomy and confusing the two. MAJOR difference. Silly Me. * Staying at Johnnie’s for 7-minutes. * J losing her keys in the grass out back when it was really dark. * Sitting in S parent’s kitchen just chit-chatting. We decided that the personality of brothers is universal… and they probably feel the same way about their sisters, respectfully. * Sleeping with the windows open and having the crickets and cicada’s sing me to sleep. * Running errands around town with mom. * Oh, another funny story. Mom and I went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant in their new location on the west side of town. We walked into the restaurant about 11:15 am and didn’t realize how “new” the restaurant was. It was actually their grand opening and we were the VERY FIRST customer’s ever! We were completely oblivious to their excitement for the first few minutes we were there. * My “nemesis” of the diving team initiating the hello and exchange of hugs between ourselves. There was little conversation… but an exchange of how are you were made. * As vain as it might seem, I also appreciated a couple of compliments on how I still look the same and “good.” It was a moment of satisfaction to me, but I couldn’t help but think about were a year ago now vs. today. * The forced smile as several asked me about kids… luckily in the group, I was able to side step this question most of the time… but then the comment that always makes me cringe (which I hope does not show on my face) “well, just you wait until you have kids…” That is exactly what we are doing… and truly wish that people would not have to start their sentence and then have it followed by unsolicited advice… This was the part I was dreading most through the evening, but it didn’t come up as much as I had anticipated, thankfully. * Finally, I need to remember reconnecting with an old classmate through my high-school best friend. He and his wife had struggled with secondary infertility and had recently adopted. Speaking to him through a father’s perspective really warmed my heart and it is always nice being able to discuss the adoption and infertility openly. The connections of life really pick you up and keep you going. *

Overall, it was a very “Lawrence” filled night. We had dinner at Quinton’s downtown. Had our pictures taken in front of Liberty Hall. Then we took our trip down memory lane and reliving the pages of our senior yearbook. Once we arrived at the “family” event, my friends were watching every-one who walked through the door to see if we recognized and remembered them. I think deep down inside we were all wondering if they would recognize or remember us. I really enjoyed going in a small group of old friends. It was fun being together again – do I dare say, revertigo? Yes… initially I was pretty self-conscience. I continued to laugh whole-heartedly at many things… it felt so good laugh. It was also a good year to go. It felt good having 20# of weight behind me… both figuratively and physically. With the previous few years of stress behind us, I feel that I am slowly returning to my old self again (which I didn’t know was missing until this past year). I had a surprisingly good evening… I often found myself wondering why some people were speaking to me because they never spoke to me before… I was skeptic… but it was fun. As always, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had been a little braver to mingle a little more and talk more, not be so skeptic. Oh, well… Maybe at the 20? Boy! … time is flying by way too quickly. I am being to learn at how much relationships mean to me… casual, lifetime, acquaintance, best friends, seasonal, family… I love them all.

Home Sweet Home

Well, time flies... luckily? Thankfully? I hope? At least right now... Sorry that it has been so long since my last entry. Nothing more has been heard from our birthmother for over 10-days now. With each passing day, she is becoming more and more of a distant memory. Continues to feel surreal that we were actually close to something? I am incredibly exhausted right now... mainly due to not much sleep over the last couple of days because of being busy... nothing more.

I went "home" last Thursday night. It was wonderful! I had nothing planned other than to help mom around the house. It had been a while since I had been "home," just to be at home without any plans. Often when we go home, it is filled with "plans" or some kind of an event. This time, there was no plans. I hadn't anticipated a mini-vacation when I took this trip, but that is what it turned into. A much welcomed and needed escape. The only thing that was missing from the past few days was T. He stayed in Texas this time. He will be going "home" with me in about 3-wks for my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary celebration.

I love being at home. I loved helping mom out around the house. I cleaned through an old bedroom closet and took a trip down memory lane. Many of those memories went to the trash can, but it was productive cleaning never-the-less. I loved sleeping with my bedroom window open at night. I loved taking a jog through the neighborhood without worrying about heat stroke, dehydration, and speeding cars - seriously. I loved reading myself to sleep each night without needing to set an alarm the next morning. I loved going to WalMart with my best friend from High School and going to lunch at McDonald's with her boys. I loved catching up with an old friend from college who know lives in Lawrence and exchanging stories about people we know in common. I loved shopping in downtown Lawrence and just running errands in town. I loved visiting with the neighbor whose cat had moved her 2-wk old kittens into my parent's yard for safety. I loved playing cards with my parents in the evening. I was glad to be at home to help take care of my dad. (He injured his knee and is now needing to return to his orthopedic surgeon). Despite the stress and untimeliness of his injury, there were still many laughs to be had. That is one of the reasons why I love my family so much, is we can always make each other laugh.

I think that is probably what I was needing the most was just laughter and a normal routine. T and I have that on a daily basis, but here... we are constantly reminded by where we are at in life and what we are waiting for. As I have said before, we are very comfortable and for the most part content... but sometimes I feel as though I am living a "ground hog" day life while we are waiting for the next phase to begin. The last 5-days was a wonderful change in pace... I loved just being there in the moment... wanting to help and being able to help, being productive and useful... no plans in place... just smiling and laughing. To me, that is just a little piece of what being family is about.

Two Steps Forward... Three Steps Back...

Well, all communication with the birthmom has stopped. She started experiencing some complications last week (dehydration that triggered some mild preeclampsia)… I guess that was her trigger for desperation to rear its ugly head and escape. She moved out of the birth center over the weekend without telling anyone. She is currently not returning any of the phone calls from the adoption agency. Ironically, the alleged birthfathers are in contact with the agency as they have briefly heard from her. She has told them that she is going to parent and sue them for child support. At this time, that plan holds no water because a) they have already relinquished their rights, b) they can fight the request by asking to prove paternity first, and finally c) how is she going to pay for this need upfront for the court to intervene? The agency says they are keeping all lines of communication open for if they do hear from her and “in case” she changes her mind again and realizes that she does need the help.

Throughout this situation, I am amazed at how you can will yourself to not think about some things and will yourself not to feel some emotions. In retrospect, I was in neutral through this process… or maybe I am in neutral now. I am relieved that we did not make the trip to San Antonio this weekend to meet her and then get there and have her gone. Wow! I cannot imagine the emotional impact that would have had on us. I am relieved that I knew how “undecided” she was. I had started toying with the idea of maybe looking up some baby names (as we did know the gender)… but something held me back. Deep down inside I knew I shouldn’t do it… but the temptation was there.

I am truly thankful that we had a full weekend of activities planned prior to all of this occurring. We had a fun-filled weekend with good friends, good food, and a fun date night to the Keith Urban concert. We had a relaxing day around the house on Sunday and now I am looking forward to going “home” this weekend to spend sometime with my mom.

For once I am relieved that the hecticness of our everyday life was in place a head of time so that we could continue moving forward with life without anything being placed on hold. I truly think that is our saving grace at this point in time. We just continue to move on with our activities and plans… on the other side, we are probably not processing or allowing the emotion of the situation to surface… we are probably just ignoring that for now. I am fine and comfortable with that. In the meantime… our profile continues to circulate… hopefully another bite will come sooner than later.

My mind is racing...

I am still processing the conversation we had with our birthmom on Tuesday.... my mind won't stop racing. I was exhausted yesterday and am feeling some energy return to me today. I had a good conversation with the adoption program director and our social worker today. I voiced some of the questions I posted to them last night and received some good advice in return (ie -- how paying off our balance would work or how should we plan for leave from work if she won't commit until after the baby is born).

The director instructed us to remain "cautiously excited" because the birthmom is still so undecided and not ready to even discuss an cooperative agreement with us. I could tell that she was greatly reassured when I told her that we truly have nothing for the baby... we do have a crib, but no mattress and the walls of the to-be nursery are still eggshell white. Even though I am a planner... I have started to look forward to the day that I can frantically go on a shopping spree and the necessities overnight if need be... I do regret that I will miss out on the experience of planning, registering, and nesting of a traditional pregnancy... but my desire to always have the glass half-full has already starting thinking about the fun of doing it this way, too... I can tell that I probably am more excited about our conversations with the birthmother than I should be, because of all the red flags that are present with the birthmom hesitating at committing to a cooperative agreement for placement.

After talking with the director, I had a long discussion with our social worker about our emotional needs and how we are going to deal with the reality if she does not place with us in the end. I told our social worker that was a risk I was willing to take and I feel that it is worth it... what do we have to lose? Yes, it will be sad... yes, it will be hard... yes, we will grieve... but I assured her we would not be angry (I hope); we have already been through so much that we are willing to take that risk. I feel like we have a good support system and resources in place to get us through this... However, the one thought that truly makes me cringe and anxious... is the thought that if this one does not work out... the amount of time that might pass before we get another nibble or bite with someone who is interested in us.

I really don't know how to organize or share all the thoughts in my head... I really hope they slow down and relax because there is too much time between now and whenever we get a baby placed with us...

I am looking forward to the weekend... it will go by quickly. We have dinner plans with some friends on Friday night, and another set on Saturday lunch. We are going to the Keith Urban concert on Sat... I am really excited about that. Hopefully the events of the weekend will help me return to my everyday life and distract me from the racing thoughts in my head.

For now, Good Night, Sleep Tight. :)

Still thinking....

We really don't know too much more... we do know that she remains interested in us... she continues to be very undecided... we did have another phone conversation with her in "private" (no social workers present) and that went very well. We hope that maybe she decides she is willing to meet us... maybe if she meets us she will feel more comfortable with starting an adoption plan.

As with conception, the odds remain against us... at the time of signing, national statics show that only 50% of mothers actually relinquish their rights. However, 50% is a lot better odds than we had while going through infertility. I am also finding comfort and appreciate that she is honest about that she is not sure what she wants to do...

Being a big fan and advocate of personal space myself... I truly identify and understand her need for space; but, at the same time... plans in the big picture need to be discussed and made. A birth plan is needed so everything is handled smoothly and sensitively in the hospital. Maternity leaves needs to be arranged. We need to make financial arrangements to handle the final legal and adoption fees/costs. We need to get a car seat at the very least...

My level of patience over the past few years has constantly amazed me and I continually surprise myself. But I also know... what will I gain from being impatient? Nothing. Why waste my energy being negative and inpatient. It is what it is... we continue to wait...

No News Yesterday...

Well, we didn't receive any news from the social worker... I am sure this means she didn't hear from the birthmother. I am really not "disappointed" or "upset" over this because the birthmother has been very honest about if she is wanting to file for an adoption plan. She has been very up front about she had not made a decision... to me, this "lack of follow-through" is consistent with being indecisive. In return, I can honestly say that I do understand being indecisive and unsure if I was her... In some ways, I appreciate the reluctance because I know that she is really taking this seriously. Maybe that is just me being hopeful and positive... meanwhile, our profile does continue to circulate... if it is not her this time, there will be another... it is the unknown time frame that really stresses me out the most. I will update more as I know more.

Response to Blog Entry

A -- Thank you so much for you comment! Your gift for words just amazes me and I only wish that I was just as eloquent... that is what I was trying to vocalize in my blog is how much my awareness has increased to broken-heartedness around me in everyday life and the everyday lives of others. You are also exactly right in that it is a choice... I choose to remain hopeful and optimistic... I too have my down days... but at the same time, I know that if I turn down the dark path of negativity, anger, and fear... I will probably not return, and the relationships in my life will be forever changed.

K -- thanks so much for sharing your inspirational words... you are also right in sharing hoping they will bring comfort to others in trying and difficult circumstances. That is one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to reach and and let others know that this process is not as lonely as it seems.

Quick Update...

I have been postponing this post because I just haven't wanted to think about things. We should know more from the our social worker tomorrow. The birthmom that we have been speaking to is to touch base with our social worker tomorrow, as to the next step in keeping the "adoption plan" moving forward. The birthmom we were speaking with wanted this weekend before committing to moving forward with anything. The next step would be meeting face-to-face.

After our phone call last week, we talked with our social worker and the program director. They were really good with us in discussing some of the "red flags" with this situation and not to get our hopes up too much. Some of the red flags included: 1) she is not ready to move forward with meeting us despite initiating and wanting to speak with us twice; 2) she actually forgot and fell asleep prior to the second phone call; 3) she cannot verbalize what her "expectations" or "needs" are for wanting an open adoption; and 4) she really didn't have specific questions for us in the second phone call.

For us, it is hard not to be hopeful (again) because she has a "simple" history and medical background, nothing complicated that we have to compromise on; plus, the presumed birthfather has already signed away and relinquished his rights. In our mind, the pros and cons are balanced at this point... even though our social worker and director caution us they feel there are more cons than pros. Per our social worker, many mom's who are thinking about an adoption plan are often looking for someone to "save" them and "help" them. She thinks that this birthmom is waiting for that "fairy tale" and dream to come true; she is just hoping that a friend or family member will come forward and say I will help you. It appears that the birthmom continues to hold out waiting for an answer even though she is in the third trimester.

It's kind of ironic that both the birthmom and us are looking for that "happily ever after" verse for our lives... It is a daily see-saw of hopes and dreams... we continue to wait patiently, pass our time and hope that it will be sooner than later.

Fragility...

OK -- this is a post that I wrote yesterday. I was having a day of deep thoughts and contemplation. I held off on posting it because I was afraid it would come off as preachy, depressing, or misunderstood. I think it can stand for itself right now... it is just is a reflection on life in general. Take it for what it is... there are no hidden meanings or messages... I still can just be taken aback by all the my friends endure and handle themselves on a everyday life. There are so many times that I feel like I am still I kid playing grown-up and trying to live a grown-up life.

I know that many of you are wanting an update of our phone call from today. It went OK, but there are many red flags there. I am really tired right now and am a little on overload from all the thinking I have done over the last couple of days. I will post more tomorrow about the phone call today.

Once again, I cannot tell you all how much your messages and intuition meant to me on FB today. You guys truly surprised me by picking up on the true nature of the phone call so quickly. It felt good to have so many people truly caring and sincerely interested in what is going. Thank you SO very, very much!
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I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts and figure out how I want to approach this entry. First let me start off by saying that I do believe we live a pretty normal life... and to some extent, many would say it is a "sheltered" life. However, the more I learn about the people around me and in my life... sometimes I want to return to a time in my life where I really was naive to things around me. I guess the different between now and then is that, "now" I choose to keep myself sheltered; whereas, "then" I was sheltered because of naivety. Throughout the last few years, I have become acutely aware to how fragile relationships and the heart can be, despite people's best efforts to make and keep them strong and healthy.

Here are some examples of some different situations that I have encountered recently either personally or through my friendships. First, how strong can you keep your heart when a birthmother chooses you and then changes her mind? This has happened to friends of ours, not once but twice. To me, this process is the same as a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. I cannot imagine, how can she be so strong, keep going? I am not sure that I could -- and truly admire her and her husband, they are an inspiration for us during our own adoption process.

How strong can you keep your heart, when your spouse has an affair? (obviously this is not us!) I just found out today that we have close friends whose marriage is being challenged by this and they are trying to refocus on their vows and reconcile. I truly admire them for this, but unsure if I could be that strong. I have seen and read stories about how couples who struggled for years of infertility, eventually get divorced because it consumes their lives and the grief and loss of not being able to conceive tears them apart. (Jon & Kate + 8 may be a good public example of that, along with many other factors as well).

How strong can you keep your heart during times of trial when you don't have the support of your family? How strong can someone keep their heart when themselves or a loved one constantly struggles with depression? How strong can you keep your heart when there are constant financial worries and stresses? How strong can you keep your heart when you are not sure you will have a job tomorrow? How strong can you keep your heart when the "norm" (birth of a child) is actually a day of loss for you (birthmother who giving her child up to adoption)?

My list can go on and on... as I started thinking about things today... it almost seems to be the norm to have many things that weaken and break your heart on a daily basis. Over the past few years, I have become more acutely aware that it is almost more normal for people live with broken hearts on a daily basis vs. finding happiness in their everyday life around them... It truly boggles my mind (to say the least and as an understatement)... it makes me thankful for how well we have weathered this period of our life... but at the same time, it makes me keenly aware of how quickly grief, loneliness, and a broken heart can happen even in the strongest of people. What makes us different that we can continue to endure and find happiness in our daily lives and others were not?

To me... to us... I think the difference is that we have always embraced that "it is what it is." (Yes, there have been times when we have hated and resented this saying... but we have never denied the truth in these words). We have neither pretended to be nothing we are not, nor avoided situations in our life, but have always addressed everything head on with each other... it is VERY tough to do and easier said than done, but I can honestly say it works. Life does sneak up on you, your heart does become broken long before you realize it... but as I told a friend tonight, I know that you will overcome this regardless of the outcome. Keep searching for the peace you are looking for and you can find it... it might take time, your heart might still remain broken and wounded, but you can and will endure and find happiness again. You CAN heal and endure as long as you keep trying and refuse to give up.

In closing, I apologize for the "depressing" nature of this blog. My mind was just racing with many of the other difficult situations out there involving people that I know. Being the "thinker" that I am, sometimes I just cannot help wondering what I would do if I were them or how did that happen. I cannot help but wonder what are we doing different to stay strong...

Where Dusk Meets The Night...

Back to Reality...

Vacation was wonderful! Very, very much needed. I was kind of dreading today knowing that tomorrow is Monday and we return to where we were at before vacation. We both slept in this morning... very nice. We watched a couple of movies, I then returned to my typical routine on the elliptical. At first, all I could think... back to the grind... then towards the end I felt really good. We got around and then I ran out to do errands. Running around town getting back into my typical routine makes me realize how much this is home to us. It is hard for me to admit how being in Texas is home, but is home for now and that is all that matters. Furthermore, there is nothing like a summer temp of 108 degrees in Texas that puts you in the mood for *real* Mexican food... yum, yum... guess where we are going for dinner tonight? :)

I was dreading stepping on the scale this morning. I had just achieved my latest goal of dropping below the next 10# mark for me the Friday morning before vacation! What timing. I counted calories for the first half of vacation, not so much the second half. We were active during vacation on the lake... but we were also very lazy. I had no idea what to expect after a week of not counting calories, not weighing myself, and no exercise. I was pleasantly surprised that I was only back up to my weight at the end of last Bootcamp. Only 1.5 back up -- the weight I had stabilized at prior to dipping below the next 10# mark. Not too bad, but am motivated now to get back into my normal, healthy routine.

I am dreading returning to work tomorrow. Not sure what to expect. A co-worker who was helping cover for me said that everything went really well and the census is low. Good. Makes it a little easier to return. But I am sure that I will hit the ground running -- I am not too sure if I am ready for the rat race just yet.

Finally... and probably what I am most nervous about... is I need to call our social worker first thing in the morning to set up another phone conversation with a potential birth mom. I am completely excited... but incredibly nervous at the same time. I feel that my heart is guarded... I feel like I am gambling... I feel like I am trying to sell myself... I am afraid of failure because "we" are not "good enough." I know that isn't how this process is or what it is about... but sometimes that is sure what it feels like.

With the routine of returning to my everyday life... I am going to continue to keep myself busy and occupied -- that is the only way I can keep going right now and not put too much thought into the adoption process -- I so despretly want to believe that it will happen soon than later; I can hardly stand the thought that this could continue on for another year or so.

We have a lot of committments over the next 6-8 weeks, which I am looking forward to, but is also stressing me out at the same time. I want to start cross-stitching again. I am currently 1/2 way through a new brainless Nora Roberts book... and loving it (as usual)! What is it about a good cheesy romance novel that is so soothing as well? I still have plans to start a new blog for nutrition information. I am still working on a few household projects. Why can't there be more time during the day?

Anyways, enough of this blog entry for now. Just wanted to get something down to refocus my attention and help settle back into reality. I will keep you all posted... as always, thanks for your support and for reading!