Reality Bites

I started this entry yesterday on Saturday. I accidentally hit save instead of post... but shortly after I realized that it didn't post, I realized that it needed to be updated and edited anyways.

My mind has been on overdrive again this past weekend. I had a wonderful morning yesterday. Got up and exercised, it felt really good. I relaxed around the house and took my time getting ready. I had a lunch date with my friends who is also "waiting" for their time. I really enjoyed both her and our conversation. I felt like I was "doing" something and it helped to process and share the frustrations of not knowing. Unfortunately, the rest of the afternoon is a blur. I got my haircut. Didn't make it shopping, but the urge for retail therapy is stronger than ever as I am trying to distract myself from everyday life. I am just trying to keep busy.

After lunch, I quickly called my mom... I had a message from her. She told me the biopsy results were back for my uncle. The news was not good. Originally, the news was melanoma that had spread to the bone. Since then, we have learned it is actually Multiple Myeloma -- a very different disease... still cancer, but a much more slow progression one and can be treated. They are currently trying to figure out what stage it is to decide how to treat. They are optimistic that they caught it early. At this time, I don't know much more. I called my cousin (who I talked about before... the one who is a like a sister to me), she was doing as she should under the circumstances. On top of everything, today is her birthday as well, crappy birthday to say the least and as an understatement.

My cousin just lost her mom 4 1/2 years ago... now another battle. How much can a family, let alone a person, endure? When my cousin called me the second time later in the evening... I lied again for a second time today. The first time I lied was to my mom. When I called her after lunch, she asked me if I was at home... I told her "yes," she asked me if I was telling her the truth and I said "yes" again; I knew she wouldn't want me to be by myself when she talked to me, let alone in a place where I would be driving alone. At least I had enough sense about me to park the car and just sit and listen. When my cousin called me back tonight... she asked me if Tracy was with me... I told her "no," the truth... but then I followed up with he was on his way home... I lied and didn't tell her I was also in my car driving at the time. I was just a couple of blocks from meeting Tracy and could hold myself together for that far. Why is it that I am always in my car, alone, driving when I get *news*. Those are two memories that I will always have... I remember my mom calling me one morning to tell me my grandmother had been moved to ICU and they were only going to provide comfort measures... it was just going to be a matter of time. Now, I will remember turning down the wrong dark street, driving, alone, and my cousin telling me that her dad has cancer. They are burned in my memory.

So much has been going through my head... another heartbreak... family relationships and dynamics... my mom... my dad... the future of extended family gatherings and events... T is trying to be supportive but all I want to do is be left alone... homesickness is very quickly setting in... I just want to go and be there... I am a doer... let me help! Let me help! I want to be there for them because I know the day will come that I will need them when I am dealing with my own parents mortality. I feel that when I have spoken with my cousin, I have said some really silly things to my cousin; I just keep trying to say something... here I have spent several months contemplating and complaining about some of the stupid things that people say to us... I just don't want to be one of "those" in my cousin's life. What do you say? What do you say, what do you do? My response to my cousin was "I hate being in Texas!" I hope that was good enough for now to meet her needs. At least she knows that I am just a phone call away and here for her.

One of my favorite memories of the weekend was talking to my brother. He popped through on Facebook late last night and that was fun quickly touching base with him. That was just what I needed, especially when I was feeling a little homesick and wanting to be with family under the circumstances.

Today has felt a little weird just going on with life as usual. Yesterday and all the news of the day seems a distant memory. I have run some errands. I was hoping to get things picked up around the house, but that didn't happen. I have talked to my AK, mom, cousin, and T today. Going to try to go to be early to be ready for boot camp in the morning.