Fragility...

OK -- this is a post that I wrote yesterday. I was having a day of deep thoughts and contemplation. I held off on posting it because I was afraid it would come off as preachy, depressing, or misunderstood. I think it can stand for itself right now... it is just is a reflection on life in general. Take it for what it is... there are no hidden meanings or messages... I still can just be taken aback by all the my friends endure and handle themselves on a everyday life. There are so many times that I feel like I am still I kid playing grown-up and trying to live a grown-up life.

I know that many of you are wanting an update of our phone call from today. It went OK, but there are many red flags there. I am really tired right now and am a little on overload from all the thinking I have done over the last couple of days. I will post more tomorrow about the phone call today.

Once again, I cannot tell you all how much your messages and intuition meant to me on FB today. You guys truly surprised me by picking up on the true nature of the phone call so quickly. It felt good to have so many people truly caring and sincerely interested in what is going. Thank you SO very, very much!
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I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts and figure out how I want to approach this entry. First let me start off by saying that I do believe we live a pretty normal life... and to some extent, many would say it is a "sheltered" life. However, the more I learn about the people around me and in my life... sometimes I want to return to a time in my life where I really was naive to things around me. I guess the different between now and then is that, "now" I choose to keep myself sheltered; whereas, "then" I was sheltered because of naivety. Throughout the last few years, I have become acutely aware to how fragile relationships and the heart can be, despite people's best efforts to make and keep them strong and healthy.

Here are some examples of some different situations that I have encountered recently either personally or through my friendships. First, how strong can you keep your heart when a birthmother chooses you and then changes her mind? This has happened to friends of ours, not once but twice. To me, this process is the same as a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. I cannot imagine, how can she be so strong, keep going? I am not sure that I could -- and truly admire her and her husband, they are an inspiration for us during our own adoption process.

How strong can you keep your heart, when your spouse has an affair? (obviously this is not us!) I just found out today that we have close friends whose marriage is being challenged by this and they are trying to refocus on their vows and reconcile. I truly admire them for this, but unsure if I could be that strong. I have seen and read stories about how couples who struggled for years of infertility, eventually get divorced because it consumes their lives and the grief and loss of not being able to conceive tears them apart. (Jon & Kate + 8 may be a good public example of that, along with many other factors as well).

How strong can you keep your heart during times of trial when you don't have the support of your family? How strong can someone keep their heart when themselves or a loved one constantly struggles with depression? How strong can you keep your heart when there are constant financial worries and stresses? How strong can you keep your heart when you are not sure you will have a job tomorrow? How strong can you keep your heart when the "norm" (birth of a child) is actually a day of loss for you (birthmother who giving her child up to adoption)?

My list can go on and on... as I started thinking about things today... it almost seems to be the norm to have many things that weaken and break your heart on a daily basis. Over the past few years, I have become more acutely aware that it is almost more normal for people live with broken hearts on a daily basis vs. finding happiness in their everyday life around them... It truly boggles my mind (to say the least and as an understatement)... it makes me thankful for how well we have weathered this period of our life... but at the same time, it makes me keenly aware of how quickly grief, loneliness, and a broken heart can happen even in the strongest of people. What makes us different that we can continue to endure and find happiness in our daily lives and others were not?

To me... to us... I think the difference is that we have always embraced that "it is what it is." (Yes, there have been times when we have hated and resented this saying... but we have never denied the truth in these words). We have neither pretended to be nothing we are not, nor avoided situations in our life, but have always addressed everything head on with each other... it is VERY tough to do and easier said than done, but I can honestly say it works. Life does sneak up on you, your heart does become broken long before you realize it... but as I told a friend tonight, I know that you will overcome this regardless of the outcome. Keep searching for the peace you are looking for and you can find it... it might take time, your heart might still remain broken and wounded, but you can and will endure and find happiness again. You CAN heal and endure as long as you keep trying and refuse to give up.

In closing, I apologize for the "depressing" nature of this blog. My mind was just racing with many of the other difficult situations out there involving people that I know. Being the "thinker" that I am, sometimes I just cannot help wondering what I would do if I were them or how did that happen. I cannot help but wonder what are we doing different to stay strong...