*Sigh*

Well... I had really intended that my next blog be more upbeat and positive... kind of how I like to see my personality most of the time. Things are fine... status qua. I had a good evening last night with a friend who is going to help us "remodel" our portfolio for the prospective birth mothers. It felt really good to be productive. I posted on FB tonight that I should have worked-out... I think that is probably to blame for part of my blah mood... not to mention that mother nature is knocking at the door for her monthly visit. Oh, well... the cycle of life for now... no pun intended.

I am just filled with... or rather I am slowly becoming overwhelmed by my feelings of "not being good enough." It's tough... not only are we not feeling "good enough" on the adoption front... but I am also seen as a "not good enough" daughter-in-law. (I really just want to scream and pull my hair out!) It's is completely draining in itself despite everything else going on. I am not quite "good enough" to get this last 5-10# off... my weight continues to plateau. I am also feeling like I am not a "good enough" friend to some. People are just moving on... especially since we are in a different places in life... people change and move on. People tend to gravitate towards those they have things in common with... but then why do I feel like such a misfit right now? I am sure that people see us as changing and moving on as well... but I am just afraid they are avoiding me because they can just see how tired and sad I am on my face. I just want to feel included and apart of everything again. I am tired of trying to reach out and stay connected... I am just tired of constantly putting myself out there with the adoption, family, friends, and work... I am tired of working so hard at trying to maintain normalcy to our everyday life. It is just so much.

I like to tell myself that these feelings are normal under the circumstances... I just wish they felt normal. This is just what happens right now when I slow down... all my thoughts and feelings creep up on me and hit me like a train. T has been at a Ranger's game tonight and I have spent most of it by myself. It has been good... I truly was enjoying it up until I started getting ready for bed. Tonight, I had a good conversation with my cousin, cuddled with the dog, played some word games, wrote a couple of e-mails. I think that I am also feeling anxious about all my alone and downtime coming up this weekend. I have scheduled myself a massage and I am hoping to do some shopping.

Thank you all for your e-mails this past week... I loved each and everyone of them! I know that seems like an oxymoron in contrast to this blog... but I guess that just exemplifies the see-saw of thoughts and emotions we are experiencing right now. I really do enjoy our exchanges and staying connected through this cyber-world... I just wish there was more time in the day to visit, see, and talk with each other face-to-face. Thanks for reading again... sorry it is such a Debbie Downer again. Love you all!